Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Well, now I know how it hurts to remember, and to think, and to be reminded, to be updated, to accept, to realize, to feel, to have emotions.
Everything hurts. So how do I gracefully move on?
I can't do what Chris did. I can't just change my watch from digital to analog. My situation's more complicated than that.
Everything pings a small reminder, everything triggers the pain button.
It's time to move on yet I'm stupidly stuck behind, left behind, lagging behind. Everyone thinks I'm way ahead in this game, yet what they fail to see is that I'm so far behind in the distant, they think I've left and taken speed ahead of them.
I need to let this pain drop and start my year anew. Yet I'm still lost in stupid thoughts. How do I get new brains in 2 days?
Everything hurts. So how do I gracefully move on?
I can't do what Chris did. I can't just change my watch from digital to analog. My situation's more complicated than that.
Everything pings a small reminder, everything triggers the pain button.
It's time to move on yet I'm stupidly stuck behind, left behind, lagging behind. Everyone thinks I'm way ahead in this game, yet what they fail to see is that I'm so far behind in the distant, they think I've left and taken speed ahead of them.
I need to let this pain drop and start my year anew. Yet I'm still lost in stupid thoughts. How do I get new brains in 2 days?
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
You.
Today could have been a grand 7 years celebration... but now it's just another insignificant date; 2-days-before-Christmas, birthday of 5 or 6 or more friends.. just another day.
However, the memories live on. I may not get to wish you a happy 23rd, or a happy 7th year anniversary.. and I may not be able to tell you the 3 magic words, but as long as you are happy now, I am happy for you too.
God bless you. May all the good things come your way. May happiness be yours to have, and yours to keep. May smiles be always on your face, laughter and joy always part of your daily lives.
I do miss you, but life is good. Take care now ^^
However, the memories live on. I may not get to wish you a happy 23rd, or a happy 7th year anniversary.. and I may not be able to tell you the 3 magic words, but as long as you are happy now, I am happy for you too.
God bless you. May all the good things come your way. May happiness be yours to have, and yours to keep. May smiles be always on your face, laughter and joy always part of your daily lives.
I do miss you, but life is good. Take care now ^^
Christmas note for my family - Dec 23, 08
Dearest beloved family members of mine...
As the year comes to and end, as Christmas draws very much nearer than the week before, my thoughts are filled with how blessed I am to be who I am, and to have what I have, and to be loved by people around me and those faraway too. I am truly blessed to have all of you as my family members. Now, more than ever before, I thank God and thank all of you for all that we've gone through together and for accepting and loving me as I am ^^ I know I have done much crappy things, and my decisions and actions are usually a bit different from your expectations. I would also like to apologize for all my mistakes or harsh exchange of words, not just those of this year, but of previous years before as well.
And now.. for recent updates!!
Last week's Christmas parade was awesome! Our contingent represented 21 countries of residents of our International Center. We carried flags and some wore national costumes as well. I was clad in my 10 year old (or more) baju kurung. As the VP of UPICA, I had to yell and yell to coordinate the monkeys from different countries. It wasn't easy but it was quite fun. Our lantern was gorgeous, as the sky drew darker and as they lit the lantern. I felt so proud to be part of IC, more than before. To be in IC is truly a blessing from God. We paraded around the academic oval with other contingents and passed by 2 main stops, Palma Hall (the biggest class building of UPD) where a massive crowd awaited us and took lots and lots of pics!!! It was awesome. We felt so much like celebrities as we stood in front of the crowd, waving our flags!!! The 2nd stop was Quezon Hall where our lantern was judged and we, the international students of IC were formally introduced
to UPD and to the rest of the Philippines (through national TV!!!). We just waved our flags and our hands as people cheered for us. It was awesome! Seriously ^^ I was so, so happy.
That evening I went for dinner and drinks with some friend. It was nice to drink beer in a baju kurung. Never did THAT before. As you all know, my drinking capability is weak.. so my control is usually a bottle of a light beer, no worries bout that! ^^
The next day, I hung out with a group of Filipino dorm mates as well. It is important for me to know as many dormers as possible, and it was good getting to know new people! The following day, I went to take pictures of lights at the Quezon City circle.. Gorgeous lights..
I cooked for my friends on Saturday for lunch. One of the old residents, Chantal, from Netherlands, was visiting. She cooked a vegetarian dinner for us that evening.
I came over to the IMCS office on Sunday and have been here, and back at the IYCS/ IMCS home last night for a Christmas gathering. Being far away from home, Adrian (the Malaysian IMCS coordinator) made us sing carols and oldies to 'soothe our homesick hearts'.
I'll be off to the highlands tomorrow. Leaving early morning at 5 am.. It's a IMCS office trip. I'm sure it'll be fun.
I miss all of you much, a bit more as Christmas draws nearer. But I know I'm missed too.
Have a blessed celebration, my loved ones. And do take care. Hugssssssss. Biggg hugs.
Ko, Che, keep warm. I know it's cold there now. I'll keep warm here too!
And for the bunch in KL, enjoy the fun!!! ^^
Honey.. dressed in long pants, and a jacket, ready to have a frozen butt in Baguio!!!
As the year comes to and end, as Christmas draws very much nearer than the week before, my thoughts are filled with how blessed I am to be who I am, and to have what I have, and to be loved by people around me and those faraway too. I am truly blessed to have all of you as my family members. Now, more than ever before, I thank God and thank all of you for all that we've gone through together and for accepting and loving me as I am ^^ I know I have done much crappy things, and my decisions and actions are usually a bit different from your expectations. I would also like to apologize for all my mistakes or harsh exchange of words, not just those of this year, but of previous years before as well.
And now.. for recent updates!!
Last week's Christmas parade was awesome! Our contingent represented 21 countries of residents of our International Center. We carried flags and some wore national costumes as well. I was clad in my 10 year old (or more) baju kurung. As the VP of UPICA, I had to yell and yell to coordinate the monkeys from different countries. It wasn't easy but it was quite fun. Our lantern was gorgeous, as the sky drew darker and as they lit the lantern. I felt so proud to be part of IC, more than before. To be in IC is truly a blessing from God. We paraded around the academic oval with other contingents and passed by 2 main stops, Palma Hall (the biggest class building of UPD) where a massive crowd awaited us and took lots and lots of pics!!! It was awesome. We felt so much like celebrities as we stood in front of the crowd, waving our flags!!! The 2nd stop was Quezon Hall where our lantern was judged and we, the international students of IC were formally introduced
to UPD and to the rest of the Philippines (through national TV!!!). We just waved our flags and our hands as people cheered for us. It was awesome! Seriously ^^ I was so, so happy.
That evening I went for dinner and drinks with some friend. It was nice to drink beer in a baju kurung. Never did THAT before. As you all know, my drinking capability is weak.. so my control is usually a bottle of a light beer, no worries bout that! ^^
The next day, I hung out with a group of Filipino dorm mates as well. It is important for me to know as many dormers as possible, and it was good getting to know new people! The following day, I went to take pictures of lights at the Quezon City circle.. Gorgeous lights..
I cooked for my friends on Saturday for lunch. One of the old residents, Chantal, from Netherlands, was visiting. She cooked a vegetarian dinner for us that evening.
I came over to the IMCS office on Sunday and have been here, and back at the IYCS/ IMCS home last night for a Christmas gathering. Being far away from home, Adrian (the Malaysian IMCS coordinator) made us sing carols and oldies to 'soothe our homesick hearts'.
I'll be off to the highlands tomorrow. Leaving early morning at 5 am.. It's a IMCS office trip. I'm sure it'll be fun.
I miss all of you much, a bit more as Christmas draws nearer. But I know I'm missed too.
Have a blessed celebration, my loved ones. And do take care. Hugssssssss. Biggg hugs.
Ko, Che, keep warm. I know it's cold there now. I'll keep warm here too!
And for the bunch in KL, enjoy the fun!!! ^^
Honey.. dressed in long pants, and a jacket, ready to have a frozen butt in Baguio!!!
An email to my family - Dec 17, 08
Hi all.
:)
The weather's so cold nowadays. It's a bit colder than the normal air con room at night..
Been rushing like mad to finish up 2 assignments, which I have completed.. and now my holiday officially begins!
Will be participating in the U.P. Christmas Lantern Parade later. Very excited. My dorm has our own float which I helped build too. I'm so proud of myself.
Yesterday I had my dorm's Christmas Party too. For the gift exchanged, I was supposed to give something to either boy or girl that cost RM 8 (plus minus la).. so I just gave a toothbrush, toothpaste n box of floss. Haha. I know it's a peculiar gift, but my friend who got it was somewhat pleased that at least the gift is practical :)I in return got a photo frame. Well, I'm OK with frames.. but that one wasn't even worth RM 8.. how I knew? The person forgot to remove the price tag.. :P
My classmates and I had a gift exchange too. The girl whose name I picked.. she's a bit erm.. snobbish and stuff. So I just got her a gift voucher for starbucks worth that price. Haha :P And I in return, got a very nice apron and kitchen mittens and pot holder. I'm so pleased. This gift exchange thing is fun as I know it's difficult to receive presents here. I also don't have the money to return their favors if they do. Presents are a bit difficult for me to buy la.
I might be going for a trip with the IMCS friends but it'll be an all expense paid trip. :) most prob going north to the highlands. Whoa, it'll be cold!!!
Anyway, I was inducted as the VP on Dec 4 and went for a council bonding trip on Dec 7 that weekend. Sadly, I had a minor accident at the waterfalls. I was washed slightly downhill by the strong currents and slammed around the big rocks. But as you can see me happily typing here, I'm fine. I just had some cuts and scratches, and bruises.. No major probs. But I'm fine and I know not to be so silly again.
I organized my friend's 20th birthday too. She's Ava, an Indian girl.. very much like me.. bossy and demanding as well. Haha. She was so happy with the party I threw for her (I didn't throw financially, just coordinated A LOT). I turned a lousy looking room in our dorm to look nice enough for a party la. It was fun and my fellow dorm mates were impressed. Hah! :) The same evening, we went out for drinks and I gave another friend Bon, a Japanese, a surprise too. We got her cake and flowers. She turns 21 on Dec 26 but we all won't be around anymore.
I have very good friends here. Joy is the closest friend. She's only 18 but she's a sophomore and we're like best buddies as we're classmates for some subjects. Ava and Bon too are very close to me. They used to cook for me, hang out with me, and just basically be there when I got homesick. Ava's a fine arts student and Bon a sociology exchange student. Having the surprises for them were really my way of thanking them for always being there.
I was also emcee for a program that was held on Dec 6. It was in conjunction and celebration of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. We had a program where some students gathered to learn more about UDHR for half a day. :) On Dec 8, I coordinated a program at a depressed area (a village that is situated on dump site land) for 10 Singaporean students and this exposure was in relation to the violations of Human Rights as well. :)
Life has been.. okay :)
So now it's time to rest. But before I do, I will enjoy myself thoroughly during this evening's Christmas Lantern Parade.
I guess you've all received my Christmas cards for you. I miss you all terribly and horribly as the carols are endless aired at all corners of this part of the world and as the cold chilly wind blows by. Hugss!!!
Mom, thanks for the blouse. It's a bit big la (hehe, I lost weight ma..) but I love it and everyone told me it was nice. I wore it last night during the Christmas party as I was the emcee. :) Also, the fried rice I cooked (halal it was as there are Muslims in my dorm) was a hit and finished off very fast! Oh yeah, I cook well now! Haha..
That's all. Happy Christmas everyone!!! Will write again soon.
Love lots n lots
Honey in the chilly MM
p.s. It's so cold that if you don't wear a jacket at night, you'll freeze. :P
:)
The weather's so cold nowadays. It's a bit colder than the normal air con room at night..
Been rushing like mad to finish up 2 assignments, which I have completed.. and now my holiday officially begins!
Will be participating in the U.P. Christmas Lantern Parade later. Very excited. My dorm has our own float which I helped build too. I'm so proud of myself.
Yesterday I had my dorm's Christmas Party too. For the gift exchanged, I was supposed to give something to either boy or girl that cost RM 8 (plus minus la).. so I just gave a toothbrush, toothpaste n box of floss. Haha. I know it's a peculiar gift, but my friend who got it was somewhat pleased that at least the gift is practical :)I in return got a photo frame. Well, I'm OK with frames.. but that one wasn't even worth RM 8.. how I knew? The person forgot to remove the price tag.. :P
My classmates and I had a gift exchange too. The girl whose name I picked.. she's a bit erm.. snobbish and stuff. So I just got her a gift voucher for starbucks worth that price. Haha :P And I in return, got a very nice apron and kitchen mittens and pot holder. I'm so pleased. This gift exchange thing is fun as I know it's difficult to receive presents here. I also don't have the money to return their favors if they do. Presents are a bit difficult for me to buy la.
I might be going for a trip with the IMCS friends but it'll be an all expense paid trip. :) most prob going north to the highlands. Whoa, it'll be cold!!!
Anyway, I was inducted as the VP on Dec 4 and went for a council bonding trip on Dec 7 that weekend. Sadly, I had a minor accident at the waterfalls. I was washed slightly downhill by the strong currents and slammed around the big rocks. But as you can see me happily typing here, I'm fine. I just had some cuts and scratches, and bruises.. No major probs. But I'm fine and I know not to be so silly again.
I organized my friend's 20th birthday too. She's Ava, an Indian girl.. very much like me.. bossy and demanding as well. Haha. She was so happy with the party I threw for her (I didn't throw financially, just coordinated A LOT). I turned a lousy looking room in our dorm to look nice enough for a party la. It was fun and my fellow dorm mates were impressed. Hah! :) The same evening, we went out for drinks and I gave another friend Bon, a Japanese, a surprise too. We got her cake and flowers. She turns 21 on Dec 26 but we all won't be around anymore.
I have very good friends here. Joy is the closest friend. She's only 18 but she's a sophomore and we're like best buddies as we're classmates for some subjects. Ava and Bon too are very close to me. They used to cook for me, hang out with me, and just basically be there when I got homesick. Ava's a fine arts student and Bon a sociology exchange student. Having the surprises for them were really my way of thanking them for always being there.
I was also emcee for a program that was held on Dec 6. It was in conjunction and celebration of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. We had a program where some students gathered to learn more about UDHR for half a day. :) On Dec 8, I coordinated a program at a depressed area (a village that is situated on dump site land) for 10 Singaporean students and this exposure was in relation to the violations of Human Rights as well. :)
Life has been.. okay :)
So now it's time to rest. But before I do, I will enjoy myself thoroughly during this evening's Christmas Lantern Parade.
I guess you've all received my Christmas cards for you. I miss you all terribly and horribly as the carols are endless aired at all corners of this part of the world and as the cold chilly wind blows by. Hugss!!!
Mom, thanks for the blouse. It's a bit big la (hehe, I lost weight ma..) but I love it and everyone told me it was nice. I wore it last night during the Christmas party as I was the emcee. :) Also, the fried rice I cooked (halal it was as there are Muslims in my dorm) was a hit and finished off very fast! Oh yeah, I cook well now! Haha..
That's all. Happy Christmas everyone!!! Will write again soon.
Love lots n lots
Honey in the chilly MM
p.s. It's so cold that if you don't wear a jacket at night, you'll freeze. :P
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
My VP intro in the 1st IC News of UPICA
Salam Sejahtera, Da Jia Hao and greetings to all my family members of the International Center. First, let me introduce myself. I am Victoria Jennifer Ang Ling Tze of Sarawak (Borneo), Malaysia. But, for short, just call me Vicky. It is my pleasure to be given a chance to be part of this I.C. family. For months and months I dreamed of that, and the day I was finally accepted into I.C. was one of the happiest days experienced.
I was once just a whacked photographer who wanted to walk the world taking pictures of flowers with Nikon. Yet somehow, with the realization of life, I am now a Social Work student trying to make sense of the realities I've discovered. @@
I enjoy dreaming about the impossible, and live life trying to achieve those dreams. With hope burning in my heart, I truly believe that FREEDOM, JUSTICE, PEACE and LOVE can and will prevail. I hope my presence and contribution in this world will somehow make it a better place. ^^*
I take pleasure in traveling and was blessed to be able to have done some backpacking trips around South East Asia. I love talking, meeting new people and making friends. I also love cooking and baking for people I care for.
I like taking long walks around campus, playing badminton and am passionate about issues related to our environment, child welfare and education (both formal and informal) and other social issues as well.
I feel that 'Life is like a piece of art, it's up to you to see its beauty.' Therefore, I'm trying to make the best out of this dance we call life.. ^^~~ Let's tango!!!
I was once just a whacked photographer who wanted to walk the world taking pictures of flowers with Nikon. Yet somehow, with the realization of life, I am now a Social Work student trying to make sense of the realities I've discovered. @@
I enjoy dreaming about the impossible, and live life trying to achieve those dreams. With hope burning in my heart, I truly believe that FREEDOM, JUSTICE, PEACE and LOVE can and will prevail. I hope my presence and contribution in this world will somehow make it a better place. ^^*
I take pleasure in traveling and was blessed to be able to have done some backpacking trips around South East Asia. I love talking, meeting new people and making friends. I also love cooking and baking for people I care for.
I like taking long walks around campus, playing badminton and am passionate about issues related to our environment, child welfare and education (both formal and informal) and other social issues as well.
I feel that 'Life is like a piece of art, it's up to you to see its beauty.' Therefore, I'm trying to make the best out of this dance we call life.. ^^~~ Let's tango!!!
Another letter to my family - Nov 28, 08
Dearest All,
Heyo! Greetings again.
Here's just a bit of short info for you guys. I was appointed as the Vice President of UPICA Council, which is the University of the Philippines International Center Association's council. I rejected actually, but was somehow tricked to be in la.
Oh well, I wonder if I'm the one looking for trouble or whether trouble always has a way to find me. Thus, again, after soooooooooooooooo many times of trying to run away from these stuff, I'm still involved with these committee stuff la. Anyway, my induction is next Thursday during our IC's Korean night. :)
Also, I've started cooking lately. I've cooked somethng for my friends, as when I was poor, and without home cooked food, they fed me ;) so now I feel healthier la. Eating home cooked food. :)plsssssssssss if you guys are free to find time to write snail mails to me, it would be nice to receive something for Christmas la. :) Some kind of postcard would do? hehe.. My address is F40, International Center, University of the Philippines Diliman, Quezon City, Metro Manila, the Philippines :)
Miss you all! Take care.....
Heyo! Greetings again.
Here's just a bit of short info for you guys. I was appointed as the Vice President of UPICA Council, which is the University of the Philippines International Center Association's council. I rejected actually, but was somehow tricked to be in la.
Oh well, I wonder if I'm the one looking for trouble or whether trouble always has a way to find me. Thus, again, after soooooooooooooooo many times of trying to run away from these stuff, I'm still involved with these committee stuff la. Anyway, my induction is next Thursday during our IC's Korean night. :)
Also, I've started cooking lately. I've cooked somethng for my friends, as when I was poor, and without home cooked food, they fed me ;) so now I feel healthier la. Eating home cooked food. :)plsssssssssss if you guys are free to find time to write snail mails to me, it would be nice to receive something for Christmas la. :) Some kind of postcard would do? hehe.. My address is F40, International Center, University of the Philippines Diliman, Quezon City, Metro Manila, the Philippines :)
Miss you all! Take care.....
Updates from Nov 6, 08
When I finally got my grades back, my average was a 1.70. I made it to the list of College Scholars. :) It's like an awards list. :) The best would of course be the University Scholars (below 1.5) but I'm sure I would need to be a super nerd to attain that, I don't think I could do it with all the bumming, heh.
I'm happy. I got 1.75 for 5 subjects and PE and 1.5 for the last subject I was awaiting for the grades.
Life, is good.
I'm happy. I got 1.75 for 5 subjects and PE and 1.5 for the last subject I was awaiting for the grades.
Life, is good.
Letter to my family - Nov 4, 08
Dearest loved ones back at home!!!
Greetings! I bring news of joy! Well, at least for me.. :) I've been accepted (finally, after 6 months!!!) into the International Center, the dorm for international students. :) Less cost, almost all my friends are here.. it's much safer, cleaner, more convenient... ah, the list can go on. I've dreamt of this day for so long. And now it's finally here!!!
On top of that, despite all the hassle, my alien card will finally be ready soon. Actually it is ready now, but I haven't gotten it. :) I won't be illegal anymore!! Hah! And.. I will be starting my semester 2 this Friday. :) I've got some subjects preenlisted, but am waiting for confirmation and few more subjects to be enlisted. :) Also, I got back grades for 5 subjects and my 1 PE. :) I got 1.75 for all my subjects. 1.75 is an A (85-88%). Yay!!! Only 1 more subject to go for grading, still waiting for that. Hope it will turn out well too. Been attending human rights forum and rallies and mixing around with really great people working for human rights. :) Met many new friends the past week. So life's good. And I'm happy. :)
There you, my updates! Mail me back! Hope all's good for all of you back home or around.
I love you all much.
ME!!! :)
Greetings! I bring news of joy! Well, at least for me.. :) I've been accepted (finally, after 6 months!!!) into the International Center, the dorm for international students. :) Less cost, almost all my friends are here.. it's much safer, cleaner, more convenient... ah, the list can go on. I've dreamt of this day for so long. And now it's finally here!!!
On top of that, despite all the hassle, my alien card will finally be ready soon. Actually it is ready now, but I haven't gotten it. :) I won't be illegal anymore!! Hah! And.. I will be starting my semester 2 this Friday. :) I've got some subjects preenlisted, but am waiting for confirmation and few more subjects to be enlisted. :) Also, I got back grades for 5 subjects and my 1 PE. :) I got 1.75 for all my subjects. 1.75 is an A (85-88%). Yay!!! Only 1 more subject to go for grading, still waiting for that. Hope it will turn out well too. Been attending human rights forum and rallies and mixing around with really great people working for human rights. :) Met many new friends the past week. So life's good. And I'm happy. :)
There you, my updates! Mail me back! Hope all's good for all of you back home or around.
I love you all much.
ME!!! :)
Letter to my sisters and Livia - Oct 24, 08
My goodness. Livia's pregnant. Our little baby uwakwakwak is now having her own baby. How time flies.
And speaking about time flying.. I have OFFICIALLY finished my 1st sem. Classes ended 2 weeks ago and my major exams were done.. but this week, I submitted a 30 page term paper on some prostitution thing, I wrote my autobiography and used psychological personality theories to analyze my life story andddddd I took a PE written exam.
So it's OVER. My sem 1 is OVER but my back hurts like shit man.
As u all might know, I've hurt my back often before - falling, spraining whatever. This sem it was pretty strong, what with push ups and sit ups and losing weight. haha. Unfortunately, I hurt it last week and I can't carry anything heavy now. It was sooooo painful even pain killers don't work la. So I just have to suck in the pain and let's see how it goes. Rest more too, carry less heavy stuff.. and erm.. dont do crazy exercises. :) I went for a massage so it feels slightly better. But having period now, so it sucks quite bad too.
I miss all of you. I'm fine here and I'm alive, if u know what I mean. I've been dead for so long that being alive (though life is super tough) feels good. Though with back ache, I managed to finish allllllllllll my subjects and work! :) I'm glad I have found really good friends here too.:)
Okay that's all. Miss you all.
Byes!
And speaking about time flying.. I have OFFICIALLY finished my 1st sem. Classes ended 2 weeks ago and my major exams were done.. but this week, I submitted a 30 page term paper on some prostitution thing, I wrote my autobiography and used psychological personality theories to analyze my life story andddddd I took a PE written exam.
So it's OVER. My sem 1 is OVER but my back hurts like shit man.
As u all might know, I've hurt my back often before - falling, spraining whatever. This sem it was pretty strong, what with push ups and sit ups and losing weight. haha. Unfortunately, I hurt it last week and I can't carry anything heavy now. It was sooooo painful even pain killers don't work la. So I just have to suck in the pain and let's see how it goes. Rest more too, carry less heavy stuff.. and erm.. dont do crazy exercises. :) I went for a massage so it feels slightly better. But having period now, so it sucks quite bad too.
I miss all of you. I'm fine here and I'm alive, if u know what I mean. I've been dead for so long that being alive (though life is super tough) feels good. Though with back ache, I managed to finish allllllllllll my subjects and work! :) I'm glad I have found really good friends here too.:)
Okay that's all. Miss you all.
Byes!
Letter to my family - Oct 11, 08
Written at the end of Semester 1...
Believe it or not, I have finished 1 semester day of my 8 semesters course. How time flies. It's just like yesterday when I enrolled here. Things are going good. I can read faster now compared to before, I have more patience, I'm healthier, I lost 7 kgs in the past 2 months, I made new friends from all over the world, I learned to speak basic Tagalog, I'm smoking less (haha.. :P I promise I'll quit after this course. ), I got to understand my religion in a better way, realized many things in the world, learned much about politics n economics n social issues, read 8 of the world's best literature books, can write more creatively now :P, learned another perspective of the geography subject - much much more. I've also learned to be tougher, not to cry too much (I only cry when I get emails from you guys.. :P), I'm no longer depressed, I've finally finally accepted and got over daddy's passing, n I think I can walk so much more now than ever before. On a happier note too, I feel very young. haha. I also realized that for my case ah, as this is the 2nd course I'm taking though 1st degree, there's still so much in life for me to learn. You all know how I hated science subjects. Next semester, I pre enlisted for subjects like Natural Science (Basic Physics and Chemistry) and Biology. I just feel that it's time to learn this things before I grow too old to remember anything. I realized that I was really stubborn n a bit too strong headed in the past. Things that I didn't like, I will never even give it a shot. But now, I feel that if I want to be a good social worker who can work with everyone in the world despite all the differences and walks of life, I need to at least know how to talk to all these people, from the richest to the poorest, the smartest to the ahem.. not so smart. And without all the basic knowledge, I won't be able to do so. I will be like an empty vessel. And I don't want to be an empty vessel la. It's a good thing that this course has general education subjects. Last semester, I took 3 GE subjects: Geography, English World Literature and Creative Writing. As I will be given an opportunity to take 5 GE subjects from Arts and Humanitarian, Social Science and Philosophy and Maths Science and Technology... I guess I'll most prob cover almost all basic fields of occupations available. I don't see it as jack of all trades, master of none. Well, I'll be master of social work.. but knowing more wont hurt me. :) So there. I think I did quite alright for this semester. I have 3 subjects that are completed. I have to submit papers for 3 more, and take my PE exam. But other than that, it's all done. Other than my PE, I'm sure if I submit all the papers, I just need an average grade to do quite alright for all my subjects. I've tried, I've not been totally crazy and studying like mad or not at all, so I've been averagely alright. I'm sure my grades will b okay :) The learning experience was wonderful. There. That's all for now. Just wanted to share a bit of my life with you guys. Miss u all much.
p.s. I also realized I had muscles in the body in parts that I never knew existed. haha. I had advanced stretching with bands and balls for my PE class, and so I did a lot of circuit training. :)
Believe it or not, I have finished 1 semester day of my 8 semesters course. How time flies. It's just like yesterday when I enrolled here. Things are going good. I can read faster now compared to before, I have more patience, I'm healthier, I lost 7 kgs in the past 2 months, I made new friends from all over the world, I learned to speak basic Tagalog, I'm smoking less (haha.. :P I promise I'll quit after this course. ), I got to understand my religion in a better way, realized many things in the world, learned much about politics n economics n social issues, read 8 of the world's best literature books, can write more creatively now :P, learned another perspective of the geography subject - much much more. I've also learned to be tougher, not to cry too much (I only cry when I get emails from you guys.. :P), I'm no longer depressed, I've finally finally accepted and got over daddy's passing, n I think I can walk so much more now than ever before. On a happier note too, I feel very young. haha. I also realized that for my case ah, as this is the 2nd course I'm taking though 1st degree, there's still so much in life for me to learn. You all know how I hated science subjects. Next semester, I pre enlisted for subjects like Natural Science (Basic Physics and Chemistry) and Biology. I just feel that it's time to learn this things before I grow too old to remember anything. I realized that I was really stubborn n a bit too strong headed in the past. Things that I didn't like, I will never even give it a shot. But now, I feel that if I want to be a good social worker who can work with everyone in the world despite all the differences and walks of life, I need to at least know how to talk to all these people, from the richest to the poorest, the smartest to the ahem.. not so smart. And without all the basic knowledge, I won't be able to do so. I will be like an empty vessel. And I don't want to be an empty vessel la. It's a good thing that this course has general education subjects. Last semester, I took 3 GE subjects: Geography, English World Literature and Creative Writing. As I will be given an opportunity to take 5 GE subjects from Arts and Humanitarian, Social Science and Philosophy and Maths Science and Technology... I guess I'll most prob cover almost all basic fields of occupations available. I don't see it as jack of all trades, master of none. Well, I'll be master of social work.. but knowing more wont hurt me. :) So there. I think I did quite alright for this semester. I have 3 subjects that are completed. I have to submit papers for 3 more, and take my PE exam. But other than that, it's all done. Other than my PE, I'm sure if I submit all the papers, I just need an average grade to do quite alright for all my subjects. I've tried, I've not been totally crazy and studying like mad or not at all, so I've been averagely alright. I'm sure my grades will b okay :) The learning experience was wonderful. There. That's all for now. Just wanted to share a bit of my life with you guys. Miss u all much.
p.s. I also realized I had muscles in the body in parts that I never knew existed. haha. I had advanced stretching with bands and balls for my PE class, and so I did a lot of circuit training. :)
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
3 months later....
Am I okay? Am I really? I'm not okay, I'm not, I'm not. I'm jealous, I'm sad.. I feel left out, I want to go home. But I can't and I shouldn't and I should always bear with the consequences of my actions and decisions!!! So stop crying, bitch.
On the other hand...
Am I falling too? Am I? But he's such a good buddy. Such a wonderful person to have around. But imagine this.. a guy whom you sort of live with, does your laundry with you (as in he carries it and walks me there and collects them with or for me too), does grocery shopping and household items shopping, eats dinners and lunches and snacks and buys you food, and buys you cream to apply on your wound, watches his first ever movie with you in a foreign city he has been there for 3 months but not watched any movies, goes drinking with you, jumps on your every wimp, apologizes over and over again when he unintentionally ditches you, listens to you blab about every single bad thing in your life, lets you cry in front of him and tells you that everything will be alright coz he's there.. and the whole freaking list goes on and on and on. But I don't think I will like him.. there are elements in his life I just can't accept or tolerate. He's so bloody patriarchal.
To think, after such a long time of not blogging, this blog would actually be about him.
He means so, so much to me. Without him by my side, I feel so lost. And he feels the same too. I don't think we're in love, I think we're .. I don't know unintentionally committed and growing off each other? Gee man. I've not felt any of these feelings with anyone else? This is so weird-ly different. Is it because he's from a different culture, different upbringing? The things he tells me, they make me want to cry so bad.. Not of sadness, but of pure joy. I'm so happy with him. Just as friends. I don't want to ruin it. But I fear so, so much that I will. Sigh..
People kept on teasing us, for months they've been doing so. And I've always been so defensive. Ah, gee. I'm so dumb. I should just let things be.
But, will talking bout this make me more confused?
I miss writing, I'll do so again soon.
On the other hand...
Am I falling too? Am I? But he's such a good buddy. Such a wonderful person to have around. But imagine this.. a guy whom you sort of live with, does your laundry with you (as in he carries it and walks me there and collects them with or for me too), does grocery shopping and household items shopping, eats dinners and lunches and snacks and buys you food, and buys you cream to apply on your wound, watches his first ever movie with you in a foreign city he has been there for 3 months but not watched any movies, goes drinking with you, jumps on your every wimp, apologizes over and over again when he unintentionally ditches you, listens to you blab about every single bad thing in your life, lets you cry in front of him and tells you that everything will be alright coz he's there.. and the whole freaking list goes on and on and on. But I don't think I will like him.. there are elements in his life I just can't accept or tolerate. He's so bloody patriarchal.
To think, after such a long time of not blogging, this blog would actually be about him.
He means so, so much to me. Without him by my side, I feel so lost. And he feels the same too. I don't think we're in love, I think we're .. I don't know unintentionally committed and growing off each other? Gee man. I've not felt any of these feelings with anyone else? This is so weird-ly different. Is it because he's from a different culture, different upbringing? The things he tells me, they make me want to cry so bad.. Not of sadness, but of pure joy. I'm so happy with him. Just as friends. I don't want to ruin it. But I fear so, so much that I will. Sigh..
People kept on teasing us, for months they've been doing so. And I've always been so defensive. Ah, gee. I'm so dumb. I should just let things be.
But, will talking bout this make me more confused?
I miss writing, I'll do so again soon.
Monday, September 08, 2008
It's September already!!!
It's been a bit long.
But here are the updates.
I've been dead tired working my ass off for my midterm exams which passed rather uneventfully. I did not fail in any subjects (at least I assume so, there are a few more subjects which I haven't been returned my test booklet, but I'm confident I won't FAIL). However, I'm not too sure how well I did, or how bad.
Anyway, it's over. Need to start preparing for the finals which will be in October. Ah, I'm so tired.
Also, I have realized that I'm so broke I HAVE to live in a dorm or else I might die of hunger soon. So I reapplied for a spot in the dorm. They'll try to squeeze me in for next sem, so was the feedback. Let's pray, hope and pray some more.
Despite all that, I went for 3 field trips, 1 for SW122 class - a field trip to Balayan, Batangas (another province down south of Luzon) to visit sugarcane planters. It was a good trip, very happy and inspiring. An eye opening situation on Agrarian Reform works in the Philippines.
The 2nd field trip was for SW140 class, visiting Serras Home for Girls at Pasay where girls here are survivors of rape, some in incest situations. The girls here are all above 13, but minors. Later in the afternoon, we visited Hospicio near Manila, a home where they cater to the needs of orphans, old folks, physically challenged and people in social crisis. The week after that I went for another field trip to visit orpahns in White Cross at Mandaluyong and the mentally challenged women at Sanctuary Center, again at Mandaluyong, just a 'not that great area' compared to White Cross.
I do have to admit that SW140 class field trips are rather depressing. But get real, that's life. We have the rosy picture painted, and we have the pale ones with streaks of grey. We should never, ever forget that with happiness exists pain too. And we shouldn't JUST focus on the happy part of life for life isn't meant to be all sweet and beautiful. It's harsh and we need to be ready for the toils that are thrown our way by the oppressors who know not what they do (or maybe they do, in that case, they don't care less).
The week after I was at Christ Youth Action's Crossroads camp which confirmed much of my promise to God to serve his people. It was a good, spiritually sound, energetic and social action based church camp at Antipolo City, Rizal. I was happy.
It was after that that I was sick. Was so sick I had to miss almost 2 days of classes. I was so sick I missed home and felt like I was going a bit nuts.
I finished a few books too, this month. Metamorphosis is required by English 12 class, but Chinese Cinderella and Falling Leaves by Adeline Yen Mah were not. I read them, cried, missed home, cried some more and vowed to fight for human rights, equal rights, gender equality and all the lot that comes with human rights.
hmmm....
Despite still being a bit sick, I went to Tagaytay for my required Geography camp. It was awesome. There were 4 classes, ours (Geog 1 - TTH (Tuesdays and Thursdays) 8.30-10 am, Prof Nantes) was the biggest, consisting of 38 students, me being the only foreigner. And guess what, I was nominated to be the team leader of Black Hole (that's our name). It was good, we bonded, played lots of games, learnt geog stuff and got closer. :) And.. we slept in tents, drank from potable faucets, jumped around trying to pluck guavas, trekked in a gorgeous river setting with awfully weird colored river water, ran like mad, performed kiasu comments on other teams and had LOTS and LOTS of fun. :)
hmmm....
Anong pa? or is it Ano pa? My Tag's still quite bad la.
And I miss la-ing, and of course spicy food, friends and family back home.. and
oh yeah.
Celebrated 1st Merdeka away from Malaysia... Didn't even sing NegaraKu once. :P
Livia and Cyril tied the knot on Sep1. But I wasn't there. So I felt horribly homesick during that day..
Dreamt that Chen was murdered and woke up feeling a bit nuts and started panicking and calling him but he couldn't hear me... but he's alright. I mailed him already.
Ah yeah, I got my student visa and successfully applied for my alien I card! After MUCH problem, MUCH payment, MUCH patience (and impatience), MUCH abuse, MUCH annoyance, and MUCH negativity of all forms, sorts and possibilities.. tapos na! (It's done)
And.. I met new friends! There are many, many but Ava from India is a prominent one. Though she's 7 years younger than me, we're so alike in many ways :) Alvi from Brunei, he moved off campus. I miss hanging out at night with him.. :( Oh anyway, I was invited to Filipino night on Aug 15 and that was when I met many new friends from different countries.
Well, I was in Avocado hanging out with Adrian and Girard (who was also there at that time) and disturbing Ha, Bonny and Jem. Met Yisel, new secretary of IMCS. Celebrated Bonny's 24th birthday and ate good, yummy curry! :)
As for love life, I'm back with Mr Mystery. And I realized I do love him after all. Very on the surface love, but I do. Things are very subtle, nothing major.. we hardly meet, and the relationship's very intellectual and stuff. It's good, it is.
Ah, news bout home. Che was back in Kuching for awhile, Jerome left for KL already, ertie's house is undergoing renovation, mommy and Jane are now alone in Kuching, the white Proton is officially sold off (I'm particularly sad about this as this IS the first car I drove around Kuching when I first got my license).. Things are changing. They are. Sigh.
It rains, it pours. It's crazy, we have typhoon on some days, horrible sun on others. Life is mad.
I miss home, I still do. I love Malaysia a bit more every single day that passes.
Argh shit, it's raining now.
I guess that's all for my updates now. Oh yeah, daddy I still miss you.
But here are the updates.
I've been dead tired working my ass off for my midterm exams which passed rather uneventfully. I did not fail in any subjects (at least I assume so, there are a few more subjects which I haven't been returned my test booklet, but I'm confident I won't FAIL). However, I'm not too sure how well I did, or how bad.
Anyway, it's over. Need to start preparing for the finals which will be in October. Ah, I'm so tired.
Also, I have realized that I'm so broke I HAVE to live in a dorm or else I might die of hunger soon. So I reapplied for a spot in the dorm. They'll try to squeeze me in for next sem, so was the feedback. Let's pray, hope and pray some more.
Despite all that, I went for 3 field trips, 1 for SW122 class - a field trip to Balayan, Batangas (another province down south of Luzon) to visit sugarcane planters. It was a good trip, very happy and inspiring. An eye opening situation on Agrarian Reform works in the Philippines.
The 2nd field trip was for SW140 class, visiting Serras Home for Girls at Pasay where girls here are survivors of rape, some in incest situations. The girls here are all above 13, but minors. Later in the afternoon, we visited Hospicio near Manila, a home where they cater to the needs of orphans, old folks, physically challenged and people in social crisis. The week after that I went for another field trip to visit orpahns in White Cross at Mandaluyong and the mentally challenged women at Sanctuary Center, again at Mandaluyong, just a 'not that great area' compared to White Cross.
I do have to admit that SW140 class field trips are rather depressing. But get real, that's life. We have the rosy picture painted, and we have the pale ones with streaks of grey. We should never, ever forget that with happiness exists pain too. And we shouldn't JUST focus on the happy part of life for life isn't meant to be all sweet and beautiful. It's harsh and we need to be ready for the toils that are thrown our way by the oppressors who know not what they do (or maybe they do, in that case, they don't care less).
The week after I was at Christ Youth Action's Crossroads camp which confirmed much of my promise to God to serve his people. It was a good, spiritually sound, energetic and social action based church camp at Antipolo City, Rizal. I was happy.
It was after that that I was sick. Was so sick I had to miss almost 2 days of classes. I was so sick I missed home and felt like I was going a bit nuts.
I finished a few books too, this month. Metamorphosis is required by English 12 class, but Chinese Cinderella and Falling Leaves by Adeline Yen Mah were not. I read them, cried, missed home, cried some more and vowed to fight for human rights, equal rights, gender equality and all the lot that comes with human rights.
hmmm....
Despite still being a bit sick, I went to Tagaytay for my required Geography camp. It was awesome. There were 4 classes, ours (Geog 1 - TTH (Tuesdays and Thursdays) 8.30-10 am, Prof Nantes) was the biggest, consisting of 38 students, me being the only foreigner. And guess what, I was nominated to be the team leader of Black Hole (that's our name). It was good, we bonded, played lots of games, learnt geog stuff and got closer. :) And.. we slept in tents, drank from potable faucets, jumped around trying to pluck guavas, trekked in a gorgeous river setting with awfully weird colored river water, ran like mad, performed kiasu comments on other teams and had LOTS and LOTS of fun. :)
hmmm....
Anong pa? or is it Ano pa? My Tag's still quite bad la.
And I miss la-ing, and of course spicy food, friends and family back home.. and
oh yeah.
Celebrated 1st Merdeka away from Malaysia... Didn't even sing NegaraKu once. :P
Livia and Cyril tied the knot on Sep1. But I wasn't there. So I felt horribly homesick during that day..
Dreamt that Chen was murdered and woke up feeling a bit nuts and started panicking and calling him but he couldn't hear me... but he's alright. I mailed him already.
Ah yeah, I got my student visa and successfully applied for my alien I card! After MUCH problem, MUCH payment, MUCH patience (and impatience), MUCH abuse, MUCH annoyance, and MUCH negativity of all forms, sorts and possibilities.. tapos na! (It's done)
And.. I met new friends! There are many, many but Ava from India is a prominent one. Though she's 7 years younger than me, we're so alike in many ways :) Alvi from Brunei, he moved off campus. I miss hanging out at night with him.. :( Oh anyway, I was invited to Filipino night on Aug 15 and that was when I met many new friends from different countries.
Well, I was in Avocado hanging out with Adrian and Girard (who was also there at that time) and disturbing Ha, Bonny and Jem. Met Yisel, new secretary of IMCS. Celebrated Bonny's 24th birthday and ate good, yummy curry! :)
As for love life, I'm back with Mr Mystery. And I realized I do love him after all. Very on the surface love, but I do. Things are very subtle, nothing major.. we hardly meet, and the relationship's very intellectual and stuff. It's good, it is.
Ah, news bout home. Che was back in Kuching for awhile, Jerome left for KL already, ertie's house is undergoing renovation, mommy and Jane are now alone in Kuching, the white Proton is officially sold off (I'm particularly sad about this as this IS the first car I drove around Kuching when I first got my license).. Things are changing. They are. Sigh.
It rains, it pours. It's crazy, we have typhoon on some days, horrible sun on others. Life is mad.
I miss home, I still do. I love Malaysia a bit more every single day that passes.
Argh shit, it's raining now.
I guess that's all for my updates now. Oh yeah, daddy I still miss you.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I've realized certain things in the past few weeks. Despite having the midterms craze, I was having a very messy situation with my love life.
As facts are laid so clearly to show my functionality in relationships, I hardly function as a girlfriend. I screw up very easily, I hurt when I don't intend to and things are always just crazy. To make things worse, I fall in love with the wrong person over and over again.
Harsh friends have asked me to grow up, be matured.. but honestly, I don't know if I actually want to. It's fun to get into shit, it's just not fun to hurt someone else I guess.
But this time round, I'm f**ked. Situations are so impossible now, it's not that he doesn't love me or I don't love him, it's just not meant to be. How many wrongs before a final right? I shouldn't be complaining. Filipinos hate people complaining, so someone has said to me. If I can't fit in, I should just go home.
As facts are laid so clearly to show my functionality in relationships, I hardly function as a girlfriend. I screw up very easily, I hurt when I don't intend to and things are always just crazy. To make things worse, I fall in love with the wrong person over and over again.
Harsh friends have asked me to grow up, be matured.. but honestly, I don't know if I actually want to. It's fun to get into shit, it's just not fun to hurt someone else I guess.
But this time round, I'm f**ked. Situations are so impossible now, it's not that he doesn't love me or I don't love him, it's just not meant to be. How many wrongs before a final right? I shouldn't be complaining. Filipinos hate people complaining, so someone has said to me. If I can't fit in, I should just go home.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I met Hanna's father in person today. He was apologising for forgetting my kimchi. :) I met him before but he was in the car but today he was just standing in front of me and I was being all polite and formal.
And suddenly I just missed daddy so. He reminded me so, so much of him..
It's been almost 2 years and 2 months but the pain will never seem to go away.
And suddenly I just missed daddy so. He reminded me so, so much of him..
It's been almost 2 years and 2 months but the pain will never seem to go away.
Birthday related updates.. :)
Truly blessed I am. I had lunch with Betsy at Chocolate Kiss. Ate some beef that went deliciously well with the served mashed potatoes. :) Betsy gave me a black forest cake from Seattle's Best. It was.. really good. A birthday cake! I thought I wouldn't have any this year. Proven wrong again. We talked. About a lot of things, her past, mine, her UP life, mine and views on certain issues in the Philippines. I guess hanging out with older people always lead to talks on issues - be they political, social or just erm.. issues? It was around then that CJ called and made my heart melt. I have such a sweet son. (Yay, 2 Malaysian calls already!!!)
I met up with Asami and Tomu (Japan exchange student classmates) at the International Center for Tuesday's presentation. Had to explain (more than I expected!!) economy situations in the Philippines during the American colonisation period to Tomu. His English is.. blur. :P Bon was there too, and Rika joined as well. Rhudiana (a Pinay from south) was there and we chatted and it was nice. :) Messages were rolling in, and my 'one day only fake boyfriend Christoph' messaged me and apologised for not spending the day with me as he wasn't on campus. :P Glo called, it was good to hear her voice, and Pin sent a really touching and inspiring message.
Finally getting Alvi (the Brunei guy) on the line, we confirmed our dinner plans and went to Treehouse for dinner. It was a nice dinner talking about our lives (as usual.. Alvi and I hangout to bitch about bad things in our lives and help each other throw out all the bad aura.. :P) Walking arm in arm along the dark corridor after dinner to get a jeep, Alvi sang me my birthday song. He's such a nice friend. My phone buzzed and I got a message from my prized pig baby brother. :) Jerome has forgotten my birthdays often enough (and got shit from me too, of course) to not forget this year. While we were in the jeep on the way back, Syl called from Aussie!!! Wow, an out of the continent call. :)
I didn't want the day to end. I really didn't. :P So I looked Joy up and we chatted till it was almost midnight before I headed home. While I was chatting with Joy, ertie messaged me. A very typical Chinese birthday message, I thought - with the words health and wealth. :) And the sweetest ever thing for this birthday, was to get a call I was hoping for. Boo called. I guess my day was complete then.
Till after midnight, many messages from classmates and other friends were rolling in. And before I closed my eyes to sleep, I thanked the good Lord for such wonderful people in my life and for being so blessed and to bless those who do not know their birthdays, and those who have lives so tough birthdays hold no meaning other than growing old and bearing more responsibilities. It was a good quiet moment with God.
I checked my Friendster and Facebook accounts and realised that there were even more wishes there. Too many to mention! :) Thank God for these internet networks. Kiwi gave Just the wrong number so both their messages didn't get through. Hah.
Joe and I had kimbab and salad (my birthday gift) on Tuesday evening. We were also planning for his birthday which is coming up. We talked about the situation he's facing on getting a weird girl he likes from the College of Fine Arts. :) I enjoy hanging out with Joe, I can crap so much and tell him serious things too. Hanging out with him reminds me of hanging out with Jerome and Meh.
The wishes continued until today. Hanna gave me 2 necklaces from Korea but her dad forgot to bring the kimchi which is my other birthday gift :) I also got a message from some of my classmates who think I turned 27. Imagine getting a 'Happy 27th Birthday' paper card thingy? I was like.. hmm.. is the age written wrongly or are they almost a year early?
I know (for a fact.. haha) that the birthday thing will only die down a week later so I'm happily receiving belated wishes and belated gifts! :P But the best thing about this birthday is that though I thought it would be the hardest, it turned out to be one of the most naturally unplanned super duper celebrations I had. It was perfect. There wasn't anything else I'd rather do or not do.
And of course because of that, I'm at peace with the world.. and smiling! :)
I met up with Asami and Tomu (Japan exchange student classmates) at the International Center for Tuesday's presentation. Had to explain (more than I expected!!) economy situations in the Philippines during the American colonisation period to Tomu. His English is.. blur. :P Bon was there too, and Rika joined as well. Rhudiana (a Pinay from south) was there and we chatted and it was nice. :) Messages were rolling in, and my 'one day only fake boyfriend Christoph' messaged me and apologised for not spending the day with me as he wasn't on campus. :P Glo called, it was good to hear her voice, and Pin sent a really touching and inspiring message.
Finally getting Alvi (the Brunei guy) on the line, we confirmed our dinner plans and went to Treehouse for dinner. It was a nice dinner talking about our lives (as usual.. Alvi and I hangout to bitch about bad things in our lives and help each other throw out all the bad aura.. :P) Walking arm in arm along the dark corridor after dinner to get a jeep, Alvi sang me my birthday song. He's such a nice friend. My phone buzzed and I got a message from my prized pig baby brother. :) Jerome has forgotten my birthdays often enough (and got shit from me too, of course) to not forget this year. While we were in the jeep on the way back, Syl called from Aussie!!! Wow, an out of the continent call. :)
I didn't want the day to end. I really didn't. :P So I looked Joy up and we chatted till it was almost midnight before I headed home. While I was chatting with Joy, ertie messaged me. A very typical Chinese birthday message, I thought - with the words health and wealth. :) And the sweetest ever thing for this birthday, was to get a call I was hoping for. Boo called. I guess my day was complete then.
Till after midnight, many messages from classmates and other friends were rolling in. And before I closed my eyes to sleep, I thanked the good Lord for such wonderful people in my life and for being so blessed and to bless those who do not know their birthdays, and those who have lives so tough birthdays hold no meaning other than growing old and bearing more responsibilities. It was a good quiet moment with God.
I checked my Friendster and Facebook accounts and realised that there were even more wishes there. Too many to mention! :) Thank God for these internet networks. Kiwi gave Just the wrong number so both their messages didn't get through. Hah.
Joe and I had kimbab and salad (my birthday gift) on Tuesday evening. We were also planning for his birthday which is coming up. We talked about the situation he's facing on getting a weird girl he likes from the College of Fine Arts. :) I enjoy hanging out with Joe, I can crap so much and tell him serious things too. Hanging out with him reminds me of hanging out with Jerome and Meh.
The wishes continued until today. Hanna gave me 2 necklaces from Korea but her dad forgot to bring the kimchi which is my other birthday gift :) I also got a message from some of my classmates who think I turned 27. Imagine getting a 'Happy 27th Birthday' paper card thingy? I was like.. hmm.. is the age written wrongly or are they almost a year early?
I know (for a fact.. haha) that the birthday thing will only die down a week later so I'm happily receiving belated wishes and belated gifts! :P But the best thing about this birthday is that though I thought it would be the hardest, it turned out to be one of the most naturally unplanned super duper celebrations I had. It was perfect. There wasn't anything else I'd rather do or not do.
And of course because of that, I'm at peace with the world.. and smiling! :)
Monday, July 21, 2008
As another year creeps up
I've been paranoid for the past week about today. :) July 21.
I can't recall a year when my birthday wasn't a special day for me. I can't remember not having my friends around, and not getting wishes throughout the day. And somehow when I moved here, all the insecurities started to flow. I was afraid that my best buddies back home, the chimuis and all the family members I have, will forget my birthday.
I was so much of a paranoid that I started reminding people of my birthday. I really did not want to go through a July 21 without being wished and without my friends making a little bit of a fuss for me. It's not
just the attention, please don't get me wrong.. it's more like the confirmation and security my friends offer when they remember that special day of mine.
Anyway, I had a lovely dinner at the Old Spaghetti House on Saturday with Joy from Korea, Bon and Rika from Japan, Farah from the Philippines and Christoph from America. Other than Farah, the others are all from one of my classes 'Social Welfare & the Philippine Reality'. As foreigners, we somehow find comfort to know that the other is around and experiencing the same difficulties. Occasionally, our countries (thank God we're Malaysians and Malaysians have not done colonising and buying up people's land much in the Philippines) are condemned for the behaviours of the government and the ancestors. I really admire how my friends from those other countries can cope with all the accusations (not all are false though) about their homeland. Even though the good food contributed much to our awesome evening, it was the conversations we had that were really fun and enjoyable - getting to know each other, our different cultures and talking about our happy, sad and stupid moments. I won't ever forget that evening. :)
I met up with Adrian (IMCS Asian Coordinator from Malaysia) at Trinoma yesterday. Prior to yesterday, I met one of his friends (whom he hasn't met before yesterday) Nerve, who's an activist and also an ex UP student, at a social awareness exhibition that shed much light on the current political and social issues in the Philippines. I met Nerve again yesterday and was also introduced to Golda. Golda's a really petite girl who at her young age, has already contributed much to documentary productions on social issues in the Philippines. We bumped into Richard and Audrey who're fighting for the rights of the indigenous people north of Luzon as well. :) It was a very interesting afternoon full of debates and inputs on issues that I am curious about. Richard and Audrey left after lunch but the remaining 4 of us went for Mamma Mia. Hilarious, fun and truly sweet, I would definitely recommend this movie to those who enjoy the 'new oldies'.
After the movie, Golda and Nerve parted ways from us and Adrian and I were joined by Girard. He's a seminarian who's taking a vacation from the religious life. :P I make that sound so wrong, but I guess he's just taking some time off before tying the knot with God. Nothing too wrong about THAT la. We took a jeep and met up with another Malaysian lady Teresa who trains lay leaders prior to their service in their own ministries and countries. She's fun, she's crazy and we had lots to laugh about through dinner of pizza and other side dishes. Saying more goodbyes after dinner, we went to Sarah's (a drinking place on UP campus at Krus Na Ligas) and met up with Shao Yi (a Malaysian Community Development graduate student from my college who loves drinking.. :P). Amidst the laughter and getting to know each other, we were joined by Diks, Leo, Archie and Kal. I stayed with Diks before moving out to Pook Dagohoy and Archie and Kal were my housemates. Leo visits us so often and as we spent much time together, we're close too. I was so overwhelmed with happiness to see so many friends there. Other than Diks, the rest are friends that I met since coming here. I admit I wasn't totally innocent that night la. Girard and I were joking about hooking up after knowing each other for 4 hours. I guess the group were a bit tipsy so our jokes were not too innocent but they were all for laughing purposes lang. Nerve came over with his friend but sat on a different table though. At midnight (they counted down for me), they lit lighters for me to wish on and 'blow out' and many wished me happy birthday :)
Before midnight, Glo sent me a message to 'forewarn' me that she will only call in the evening. :) Thoughtful. Maybe past history of being the first or the last and somehow not making it just makes us very careful about each other's birthday! :P Farah messaged me at midnight and 40 minutes later Nic called. Oh yay!! I got my call. The call that represents that I'm not TOTALLY forgotten back home, that was enough to keep me smiling throughout the night. Our group thinned out and I was sent home in a cab. (Adrian was a bit shocked to see Pook Dagohoy). :P Girard messaged me before I fell asleep, wishing me happy birthday again. He's so sweet. :P
And this morning when I woke up, Jet (my classmate for English classes) sent me a message too. Chia, Maan and Mommy Santiago have sent their wishes as well and I'm asked to have lunch later with Betsy. I was supposed to eat Malaysian food cooked by Shao but drinks last night is giving her a horrible hangover! :P I feel bad... My future sister in law/ classmate/ most 'kikai' girl in class, Kat sent her greetings too.
I HAD to go online to get my wishes so here I am. Mom sent me a mail that made me cry. I was just too happy to receive her mail - she sent it early in the morning after waking up before doing her morning exercise!! Jane and Jerome sent their wishes through her too, Jane even reminded her to wish me! :) That's something to cry about, right? :P I can't log on to Friendster as I'm in the library but so far on Facebook, I had wishes from Sharon, Cammy, Triz, Audrey, Melor, Angel, Ali (a Nigerian guy who was trying to court me), Wan Ling (oh my God I'm so lucky she remembered!!!!), Reese, Wani and Boo. :) Papa Kelvin messaged me just now too. :) Joy gave me my first gift of a Sound of Music original VCD. Yay, non piracy - I can bring the VCD with me to different countries without being locked up! Adrian gave me spices from Thailand as requested so that food will be more tolerable here. (I'm Malaysian, I'm pampered with thousands of dishes from many, many ethnic groups. I can be choosy about food if I want to be!!) I know I sound like I'm counting and recording and I actually am. Every year for my birthday, I write down my messages on paper before deleting them off days (or months) later. I am THAT sentimental la. :P
I am lucky and truly blessed. And though I'm far away from home, those from home still remember they love me. That's already something to be really happy about. On top of that, I have new friends wishing me and celebrating for me.
I just have to learn to take things easy. Things will turn out well, eventually. Harry's advice is echoing in my head again. Oh how I miss having him around.
I'm letting my paranoia sleep for now. Hopefully it will never wake up again. Count my blessings, count my blessings. :) That's what I should do. And thank God too.
p.s. While writing this, I got to chat with Caryn who's in Melbourne now. :) How good it is to chat.. :)
I can't recall a year when my birthday wasn't a special day for me. I can't remember not having my friends around, and not getting wishes throughout the day. And somehow when I moved here, all the insecurities started to flow. I was afraid that my best buddies back home, the chimuis and all the family members I have, will forget my birthday.
I was so much of a paranoid that I started reminding people of my birthday. I really did not want to go through a July 21 without being wished and without my friends making a little bit of a fuss for me. It's not
just the attention, please don't get me wrong.. it's more like the confirmation and security my friends offer when they remember that special day of mine.
Anyway, I had a lovely dinner at the Old Spaghetti House on Saturday with Joy from Korea, Bon and Rika from Japan, Farah from the Philippines and Christoph from America. Other than Farah, the others are all from one of my classes 'Social Welfare & the Philippine Reality'. As foreigners, we somehow find comfort to know that the other is around and experiencing the same difficulties. Occasionally, our countries (thank God we're Malaysians and Malaysians have not done colonising and buying up people's land much in the Philippines) are condemned for the behaviours of the government and the ancestors. I really admire how my friends from those other countries can cope with all the accusations (not all are false though) about their homeland. Even though the good food contributed much to our awesome evening, it was the conversations we had that were really fun and enjoyable - getting to know each other, our different cultures and talking about our happy, sad and stupid moments. I won't ever forget that evening. :)
I met up with Adrian (IMCS Asian Coordinator from Malaysia) at Trinoma yesterday. Prior to yesterday, I met one of his friends (whom he hasn't met before yesterday) Nerve, who's an activist and also an ex UP student, at a social awareness exhibition that shed much light on the current political and social issues in the Philippines. I met Nerve again yesterday and was also introduced to Golda. Golda's a really petite girl who at her young age, has already contributed much to documentary productions on social issues in the Philippines. We bumped into Richard and Audrey who're fighting for the rights of the indigenous people north of Luzon as well. :) It was a very interesting afternoon full of debates and inputs on issues that I am curious about. Richard and Audrey left after lunch but the remaining 4 of us went for Mamma Mia. Hilarious, fun and truly sweet, I would definitely recommend this movie to those who enjoy the 'new oldies'.
After the movie, Golda and Nerve parted ways from us and Adrian and I were joined by Girard. He's a seminarian who's taking a vacation from the religious life. :P I make that sound so wrong, but I guess he's just taking some time off before tying the knot with God. Nothing too wrong about THAT la. We took a jeep and met up with another Malaysian lady Teresa who trains lay leaders prior to their service in their own ministries and countries. She's fun, she's crazy and we had lots to laugh about through dinner of pizza and other side dishes. Saying more goodbyes after dinner, we went to Sarah's (a drinking place on UP campus at Krus Na Ligas) and met up with Shao Yi (a Malaysian Community Development graduate student from my college who loves drinking.. :P). Amidst the laughter and getting to know each other, we were joined by Diks, Leo, Archie and Kal. I stayed with Diks before moving out to Pook Dagohoy and Archie and Kal were my housemates. Leo visits us so often and as we spent much time together, we're close too. I was so overwhelmed with happiness to see so many friends there. Other than Diks, the rest are friends that I met since coming here. I admit I wasn't totally innocent that night la. Girard and I were joking about hooking up after knowing each other for 4 hours. I guess the group were a bit tipsy so our jokes were not too innocent but they were all for laughing purposes lang. Nerve came over with his friend but sat on a different table though. At midnight (they counted down for me), they lit lighters for me to wish on and 'blow out' and many wished me happy birthday :)
Before midnight, Glo sent me a message to 'forewarn' me that she will only call in the evening. :) Thoughtful. Maybe past history of being the first or the last and somehow not making it just makes us very careful about each other's birthday! :P Farah messaged me at midnight and 40 minutes later Nic called. Oh yay!! I got my call. The call that represents that I'm not TOTALLY forgotten back home, that was enough to keep me smiling throughout the night. Our group thinned out and I was sent home in a cab. (Adrian was a bit shocked to see Pook Dagohoy). :P Girard messaged me before I fell asleep, wishing me happy birthday again. He's so sweet. :P
And this morning when I woke up, Jet (my classmate for English classes) sent me a message too. Chia, Maan and Mommy Santiago have sent their wishes as well and I'm asked to have lunch later with Betsy. I was supposed to eat Malaysian food cooked by Shao but drinks last night is giving her a horrible hangover! :P I feel bad... My future sister in law/ classmate/ most 'kikai' girl in class, Kat sent her greetings too.
I HAD to go online to get my wishes so here I am. Mom sent me a mail that made me cry. I was just too happy to receive her mail - she sent it early in the morning after waking up before doing her morning exercise!! Jane and Jerome sent their wishes through her too, Jane even reminded her to wish me! :) That's something to cry about, right? :P I can't log on to Friendster as I'm in the library but so far on Facebook, I had wishes from Sharon, Cammy, Triz, Audrey, Melor, Angel, Ali (a Nigerian guy who was trying to court me), Wan Ling (oh my God I'm so lucky she remembered!!!!), Reese, Wani and Boo. :) Papa Kelvin messaged me just now too. :) Joy gave me my first gift of a Sound of Music original VCD. Yay, non piracy - I can bring the VCD with me to different countries without being locked up! Adrian gave me spices from Thailand as requested so that food will be more tolerable here. (I'm Malaysian, I'm pampered with thousands of dishes from many, many ethnic groups. I can be choosy about food if I want to be!!) I know I sound like I'm counting and recording and I actually am. Every year for my birthday, I write down my messages on paper before deleting them off days (or months) later. I am THAT sentimental la. :P
I am lucky and truly blessed. And though I'm far away from home, those from home still remember they love me. That's already something to be really happy about. On top of that, I have new friends wishing me and celebrating for me.
I just have to learn to take things easy. Things will turn out well, eventually. Harry's advice is echoing in my head again. Oh how I miss having him around.
I'm letting my paranoia sleep for now. Hopefully it will never wake up again. Count my blessings, count my blessings. :) That's what I should do. And thank God too.
p.s. While writing this, I got to chat with Caryn who's in Melbourne now. :) How good it is to chat.. :)
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I think I'm feeling homesick.
I don't like this feeling. I want to cry all the time, especially when I'm alone.
I don't feel like eating anything in particular - food's just to fill up my stomach.
I'm finding fault with people, and with things - finding situations to get pissed at, whatever it is doesn't really matter, I just want to lament.
Turning 26 is nothing to look forward to, there won't even be a cake anyway. Gawd, I want a Secret Recipe cake!
My heart's in knots, I can't think of home - I'd cry. And not thinking about home makes me dream about home and dreaming about home makes me want to cry even more. It's starting to rain more now.. maybe that's causing me to feel like crying too. And I don't like to be alone.
I think I'm feeling homesick.
I don't feel like eating anything in particular - food's just to fill up my stomach.
I'm finding fault with people, and with things - finding situations to get pissed at, whatever it is doesn't really matter, I just want to lament.
Turning 26 is nothing to look forward to, there won't even be a cake anyway. Gawd, I want a Secret Recipe cake!
My heart's in knots, I can't think of home - I'd cry. And not thinking about home makes me dream about home and dreaming about home makes me want to cry even more. It's starting to rain more now.. maybe that's causing me to feel like crying too. And I don't like to be alone.
I think I'm feeling homesick.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Assignments and presentations on a Wednesday
A good end to a day of classes. Though it's just 4.20 in the afternoon, I feel that today has been eventful enough, and a long one, in that sense.
I woke up before 5, before the light shone through my windows. I went to sleep to keep myself away from the thought of hunger and food - as it was late, I didn't want to go out to buy food and it was hard to find food as well. The next thing I knew, it was past 4 in the morning and I still had 4 story concepts to come up with.
Oh well, so after a bit of rushing, printing and walking hurriedly to class, I had my first class of the day. Creative writing. To be honest, I dislike her, the one that teaches. She finds fault at the oddest moments and when she's late, she gets pissed, at us. * sigh. But today was fun. She told us stories and the whole class was pleasant.
And when we were let out, I ran to the Toki stand and took the next Toki (for once, I just squeezed in despite it being all packed up with students) and arrived slightly late for my next class. I'm always late as the later class is held in CSWCD but the first class in Palma Hall (a walk would take at least 15 minutes). But later than I were my group mates who were supposed to present with me. And so, I had to start presenting first (this is the group presentation that I was preparing for during unhappy rambles the day before) and while I was - late group mates arrived, can't stop talking during presentation of others and the whole thing was a mess. I know it was OK but OK isn't going to get us great grades. To think this is what my money is buying me out from? Lousy crappy group mates who can't do their parts of assignments properly AND do not want to include me in it thus having me look bad as part of the group of this? Ah, crap.
I had lunch at Vinzon's Hall after submitting my passport over to OSA who's handling my 'it's-taking-forever' student visa process. The lunch line was long, the food was a bit crappy but it was cheaper than the other eating places in UP. Oh whatever.
After lunch, I had 2 hours of preparation for my Medea presentation. I had to compile notes for my group members but this group was nice. Jet, Abi and Roy (though he missed our group meeting). Jet and Abi have come up with a lot of information on Greek theater and Tragedy plays, even about Euripides who wrote Medea so I didn't mind doing the notes as my share. I had more info on Themes and Mythological Background - but since Roy wanted to do MB, I let him and settled for Themes. I stretched out with music blaring from my laptop in the middle of the Lagoon (a jungle like area in between the academic oval of UP, with lots of trees and grass) at some stone chairs and prepared the notes. I actually enjoyed the whole process very much and finished much earlier. :)
And presentation later that afternoon was fun. Jet and Abi went first and for once after a long, long time - I felt really happy to be in front presenting to the class on something I knew, something I was confident about and something I liked - the themes used for the Medea play. And my audience was entertained. :) Ah, I'm happy. Roy entertained us further providing info on Greek myth.
At least today went well. I can't have bad days everyday and thankfully, today was good.
I realised something though. I am not in exile but being far away from home does feel like exile. Exile from the people I love.
Oh well, I'm happy for now.
p.s I want to see Mr Kim. I saw him a few days ago and was extremely elated. I'm nuts.
I woke up before 5, before the light shone through my windows. I went to sleep to keep myself away from the thought of hunger and food - as it was late, I didn't want to go out to buy food and it was hard to find food as well. The next thing I knew, it was past 4 in the morning and I still had 4 story concepts to come up with.
Oh well, so after a bit of rushing, printing and walking hurriedly to class, I had my first class of the day. Creative writing. To be honest, I dislike her, the one that teaches. She finds fault at the oddest moments and when she's late, she gets pissed, at us. * sigh. But today was fun. She told us stories and the whole class was pleasant.
And when we were let out, I ran to the Toki stand and took the next Toki (for once, I just squeezed in despite it being all packed up with students) and arrived slightly late for my next class. I'm always late as the later class is held in CSWCD but the first class in Palma Hall (a walk would take at least 15 minutes). But later than I were my group mates who were supposed to present with me. And so, I had to start presenting first (this is the group presentation that I was preparing for during unhappy rambles the day before) and while I was - late group mates arrived, can't stop talking during presentation of others and the whole thing was a mess. I know it was OK but OK isn't going to get us great grades. To think this is what my money is buying me out from? Lousy crappy group mates who can't do their parts of assignments properly AND do not want to include me in it thus having me look bad as part of the group of this? Ah, crap.
I had lunch at Vinzon's Hall after submitting my passport over to OSA who's handling my 'it's-taking-forever' student visa process. The lunch line was long, the food was a bit crappy but it was cheaper than the other eating places in UP. Oh whatever.
After lunch, I had 2 hours of preparation for my Medea presentation. I had to compile notes for my group members but this group was nice. Jet, Abi and Roy (though he missed our group meeting). Jet and Abi have come up with a lot of information on Greek theater and Tragedy plays, even about Euripides who wrote Medea so I didn't mind doing the notes as my share. I had more info on Themes and Mythological Background - but since Roy wanted to do MB, I let him and settled for Themes. I stretched out with music blaring from my laptop in the middle of the Lagoon (a jungle like area in between the academic oval of UP, with lots of trees and grass) at some stone chairs and prepared the notes. I actually enjoyed the whole process very much and finished much earlier. :)
And presentation later that afternoon was fun. Jet and Abi went first and for once after a long, long time - I felt really happy to be in front presenting to the class on something I knew, something I was confident about and something I liked - the themes used for the Medea play. And my audience was entertained. :) Ah, I'm happy. Roy entertained us further providing info on Greek myth.
At least today went well. I can't have bad days everyday and thankfully, today was good.
I realised something though. I am not in exile but being far away from home does feel like exile. Exile from the people I love.
Oh well, I'm happy for now.
p.s I want to see Mr Kim. I saw him a few days ago and was extremely elated. I'm nuts.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Sore rambles
Am I suppose to continue lying? I'm not happy. The excitement is dying down and all that's left are sore ramblings. I'm tired of hanging out with the kids, I'm sick of being the one to pay for group assignment costs because they're not making an effort to translate to me what they want to do, thus, I can't perform and have ended up being the one to foot the bill for games' presents and xerox copies.
I love my university. It's beautiful and I love a lot of things about it. But honestly, there's only 2 Filipinos in UP that I can have proper conversations with. The rest are all 'hi' 'bye' friends. I have international friends, though. On the surface I look happy, but deep down I'm having doubts on the whole scenario. I am doing what I want to do, but how do I get along with the bunch of children? Children who comment on other people's group work as being 'non substantial' and end up suggesting things that are almost at par as the other groups anyway.
I don't know how I'm going to make this leap to fit in. Like what Alvi said, am I supposed to self invite to join others for lunch? To tag along? Yet even if I'm there, their conversations are those that I don't want to bother with anyway.
I've often taken pride in the fact that I can get along with people of all ages. I guess I'm wrong now and it's obvious. There are some who will always be a bit too young for me to handle on an everyday basis. But the old ones are not around!!!
I'm sick and tired of the stares people give me when they find out that I'm a foreigner and the reluctance in their voice when they have to translate things to me in English. Gawd, to think of how much they adore American culture and yet refuse to utter the words in English?
I mean, yes, I understand that I have to learn the language. I am trying! But give me some time to adapt. I feel so suffocated. The more I'm forced to learn, the more I'd throw it all out. I can't join class discussions and group discussions and there are some lectures that are even hard to swallow. Sigh...
Perhaps it'll get better. It has only been a month. But one thing I know, this experience has a really high price to pay. I know it's one of a kind, and though I'm just that eccentric and all, I really do wonder how much more of this I can cope.
I love my university. It's beautiful and I love a lot of things about it. But honestly, there's only 2 Filipinos in UP that I can have proper conversations with. The rest are all 'hi' 'bye' friends. I have international friends, though. On the surface I look happy, but deep down I'm having doubts on the whole scenario. I am doing what I want to do, but how do I get along with the bunch of children? Children who comment on other people's group work as being 'non substantial' and end up suggesting things that are almost at par as the other groups anyway.
I don't know how I'm going to make this leap to fit in. Like what Alvi said, am I supposed to self invite to join others for lunch? To tag along? Yet even if I'm there, their conversations are those that I don't want to bother with anyway.
I've often taken pride in the fact that I can get along with people of all ages. I guess I'm wrong now and it's obvious. There are some who will always be a bit too young for me to handle on an everyday basis. But the old ones are not around!!!
I'm sick and tired of the stares people give me when they find out that I'm a foreigner and the reluctance in their voice when they have to translate things to me in English. Gawd, to think of how much they adore American culture and yet refuse to utter the words in English?
I mean, yes, I understand that I have to learn the language. I am trying! But give me some time to adapt. I feel so suffocated. The more I'm forced to learn, the more I'd throw it all out. I can't join class discussions and group discussions and there are some lectures that are even hard to swallow. Sigh...
Perhaps it'll get better. It has only been a month. But one thing I know, this experience has a really high price to pay. I know it's one of a kind, and though I'm just that eccentric and all, I really do wonder how much more of this I can cope.
Friday, July 04, 2008
My first creating writing assignment..
“For Identity”
I stepped into the room. An oddly chilly cubicle. It could be the air-conditioner that was causing the chill, or my nerves. Was I supposed to be prepared for this? I wasn’t sure. I started to wonder if anyone could be sure about this matter. I mean, it would be an impact that would last forever? Would it not? This would be an imprint that almost nothing could erase. I had to think this over. Is this another one of my impulsive saga? One that would leave me with much regrets during the later days? Having to think this over for 24 hours might not have been enough. A lifetime of regret seemed too much to handle, but I’ve been dreaming of today for too long already. I need to put this in action, dreaming alone cannot describe what I would feel in the next few hours or so. This is something I want, a desire that has been burning up a hole in me.
There’s no turning back now. He gestured for me to take a seat on a comfy sofa. Sofa? But won’t I get to lie down on some silk sheets in comfort? Satin, then, if silk is too expensive. But no, sofa it was and sofa I had. I tried to numb all feelings of pessimism but cold sweat trickled down my forehead. My palms were slightly damped too. Silly girl, you are ready. It was the angel in me trying to soothe my mashed up nerves yet tauntingly, the devil was suggesting otherwise. Oh shut up please. With what I’m about to do, who takes which side? This is something only I could psych myself through.
He smiles and asked if I was ready. I nodded. Words were stuck in my belly, together with the butterflies that were dancing around. Am I supposed to feel nauseous before all this? His hands were cold as he guided me to bend over. I lost contact with skin as rubber took over. It wasn’t exactly rough, not sticky too – just not skin. I closed my eyes, I tried to envision pain in its worse form. I sucked a deep breath so hard my body shuddered as though I was punched. And it happened.
The piercing through multiple layers of skin brought a sharp penetration that was both pleasurable and painful. Unable to resist, I wondered if the fact that losing two loved ones this year has driven me to this decision. Emotional pain seemed so much more superior in comparison to this physical action of hurt. Endlessly the contact of skin and blade brought a stinging in my eyes. I wasn’t crying. I’m too grown up to cry through an ordeal that I brought upon myself but pain isn’t one that I packaged to such heights with this experience. Denial of pain would cause so much more.
For an hour and a half, I endured. He wasn’t rough, he was actually very gentle and professional in his movements. I am sure that he has performed this act a million of times to be so good at it but when he told me that it was done, relief swept past and happiness settled.
It is done. The worse (or perhaps not) is over. My skin has lost its virginity. Under blood and bodily fluids lies an identity of where I am from, an impressionist design of an eggplant flower, one which my skin will house for the rest of my life.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Mr Kim
I have a crush. A crush on someone that I don't know. All I know is that I saw him in the jeep a few days before going back to KL to get the docs for my student visa. He was eavesdropping on a conversation I was having with Yuko, my Japanese-exchange student-classmate. When he smiled, he actually looked kinda cute. So I sneaked a peek at his name tag and found out that his name is Kim X X. X is for not identifying what the rest was. :P
I told my classmates and we giggled about it. The IC (International Center - international dorm) girls wanted to know who he was and help me find out whether he's staying there, or not. But gee. Kim is one of the most common surnames for Koreans! :P How many Kims must we stalk before we find the right one?
Harry knows about this too. And he told me that even though I know nothing of the guy now, in the future, I will know everything. He will be my husband. Hah. The thought of that was enough to send me roaring with laughter. Oh well, that's Harry talk. He's so confident that I'll marry a Korean he told me that that's his biggest wish for me. Man...
Here's a bit about UPD.
UP Diliman is huge. 400 over hectares crammed with thousands of people - students, professors, staffs, outsiders.. oh well, you get the picture. We are serviced by the Ikots and Tokis, jeepneys that chauffeur us around campus via set routes. I met Mr Kim on a Toki, by the way.
I flew back here yesterday. Tired out, I finally made plans with Shao Yi (a penyu doing her masters in my college) to eat at the one place where they serve Indian-tasting food. Though pricey, I visit that joint to replenish my taste buds with the craving for spicy stuff. And as I was rattling on on who-knows-what, Mr Kim walked in. Coincidence? Perhaps. After dinner, I met up with Joy for her to translate Harry's note. Joy stays at IC so I paid her a visit and who walks pass the lobby? Mr Kim. (So he stays there, yipee!) And after hanging out with Joy for an hour or so, we said our goodbyes and parted ways. And guess who I met again? Mr Kim. Gawd. Coincidence??? Joy says it's fate. Love. Hah.
I hopped on to an Ikot just now to get a t-shirt (that wasn't available, they misplaced my order!!) from the Uni. Film Institute. I hate to ride the jeeps and would only do so if I'm in a hurry between classes or if I'm rushing. Scheduled for a meeting half an hour later, I had no choice but to ride on the Ikot. Passing by a stop.. oh my goodness, Mr Kim got on! Again! Sheesh man, am I unknowingly stalking the guy or is he following me around? There are just so many people on campus, and so many Ikots and Tokis! Joy insists that there's something up between the two of us. I think Mr Kim was shocked to see me too. Again!
So I've decided to do the brave thing. The next time I see him (let's hope the situation would be pleasing - not one where I'm falling flat on my face, or drenched with sweat, or worse...), I will introduce myself and ask him for his name! I need to know the Xs behind the Kim! And I don't think it'll be awkward to do so, anyways. What's more awkward is if we keep on bumping into each other as strangers. Well he might think I'm stalking him then. :P
I told my classmates and we giggled about it. The IC (International Center - international dorm) girls wanted to know who he was and help me find out whether he's staying there, or not. But gee. Kim is one of the most common surnames for Koreans! :P How many Kims must we stalk before we find the right one?
Harry knows about this too. And he told me that even though I know nothing of the guy now, in the future, I will know everything. He will be my husband. Hah. The thought of that was enough to send me roaring with laughter. Oh well, that's Harry talk. He's so confident that I'll marry a Korean he told me that that's his biggest wish for me. Man...
Here's a bit about UPD.
UP Diliman is huge. 400 over hectares crammed with thousands of people - students, professors, staffs, outsiders.. oh well, you get the picture. We are serviced by the Ikots and Tokis, jeepneys that chauffeur us around campus via set routes. I met Mr Kim on a Toki, by the way.
I flew back here yesterday. Tired out, I finally made plans with Shao Yi (a penyu doing her masters in my college) to eat at the one place where they serve Indian-tasting food. Though pricey, I visit that joint to replenish my taste buds with the craving for spicy stuff. And as I was rattling on on who-knows-what, Mr Kim walked in. Coincidence? Perhaps. After dinner, I met up with Joy for her to translate Harry's note. Joy stays at IC so I paid her a visit and who walks pass the lobby? Mr Kim. (So he stays there, yipee!) And after hanging out with Joy for an hour or so, we said our goodbyes and parted ways. And guess who I met again? Mr Kim. Gawd. Coincidence??? Joy says it's fate. Love. Hah.
I hopped on to an Ikot just now to get a t-shirt (that wasn't available, they misplaced my order!!) from the Uni. Film Institute. I hate to ride the jeeps and would only do so if I'm in a hurry between classes or if I'm rushing. Scheduled for a meeting half an hour later, I had no choice but to ride on the Ikot. Passing by a stop.. oh my goodness, Mr Kim got on! Again! Sheesh man, am I unknowingly stalking the guy or is he following me around? There are just so many people on campus, and so many Ikots and Tokis! Joy insists that there's something up between the two of us. I think Mr Kim was shocked to see me too. Again!
So I've decided to do the brave thing. The next time I see him (let's hope the situation would be pleasing - not one where I'm falling flat on my face, or drenched with sweat, or worse...), I will introduce myself and ask him for his name! I need to know the Xs behind the Kim! And I don't think it'll be awkward to do so, anyways. What's more awkward is if we keep on bumping into each other as strangers. Well he might think I'm stalking him then. :P
Wise words
Life is like a circle. No matter how good or bad it is, the past has past. But we should always embrace the future with the lessons we have learned from the past. We will meet our past again and even though it is a repeat, it will be different, but perhaps better. We should not hold on too tight to the past, so much so that it will affect our present. Everything will be okay.
Harry wrote these wise words on a Jollibee serviette the morning I left for KL, the morning we said our goodbyes. It was written in poetic Korean and my classmate Joy translated it for me. I know it's not a 100% accurate, but the points are apparent enough.
I'm just so thankful to have met him. Though he's no longer around with me, his wise words remain. I miss you Harry Chang!
Harry wrote these wise words on a Jollibee serviette the morning I left for KL, the morning we said our goodbyes. It was written in poetic Korean and my classmate Joy translated it for me. I know it's not a 100% accurate, but the points are apparent enough.
I'm just so thankful to have met him. Though he's no longer around with me, his wise words remain. I miss you Harry Chang!
I'm back here. Is this where I belong? My head's filled with the idea of getting a job to pay for my next few years here. I'm so exhausted. I've been walking for more than 2 hours already for today. Ironic isn't it? Somewhere else at some corner of this world, another somebody my age would be walking down the aisle, or accepting a wedding proposal... perhaps getting a 5K job. And me? I'm a freshman for an undergrad course.
But this is my dream. Isn't it?
Maybe it's the tiredness doubting my actions. Or the idea of having to sleep 2 hours per day if I take on a full time job working at night. I don't know.
But, Yahweh, I know you are near. Standing always at my side.. You guard me from the foe, and you lead me in ways everlasting.
I'm answering a call. A call I wanted to postpone. There has to be a reason why things happened the way they did. I am not here by chance. And I have to believe, that everything will be okay.
But this is my dream. Isn't it?
Maybe it's the tiredness doubting my actions. Or the idea of having to sleep 2 hours per day if I take on a full time job working at night. I don't know.
But, Yahweh, I know you are near. Standing always at my side.. You guard me from the foe, and you lead me in ways everlasting.
I'm answering a call. A call I wanted to postpone. There has to be a reason why things happened the way they did. I am not here by chance. And I have to believe, that everything will be okay.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Heartbroken over a best friend...
Harry left for Hong Kong early this morning. He flew from Manila and I'm still in KL. Our farewell meeting was last Friday and I spoke to him on the phone early this morning around 1.
This feeling sucks. It's a really horrible jolt, as though someone's ripping out my heart. I don't know why I'm so impacted by the whole thing.. our friendship hasn't even been for a month. But I know, and he knows, that time isn't the factor of the depth of friendship that we share.
We have given each other enough advice to last us till our next meet, perhaps but the thought of going back to Manila and him not being there is just unbearable.
I thought it couldn't happen this way, but now I know I'm wrong. At the age where I have spent more than a quarter of a century in this world, I am still able to find a best friend who feels that I'm just as important, and whom I will always treasure in my heart. Best friends are harder to find as you grow older, aye.
Harry said that as long as things are OK in KL, it's OK. But in Manila, everything will be good from now on.
I need to trust him. Who else to trust if not your best friend?
And when Harry says that nothing is impossible, then nothing is. And when he says that everything will be okay, they will be! And when he says that I have to believe that.. I sure am going to believe that, and him.
It's just temporary, this goodbye. It won't be forever.. just for a long, long time.
This feeling sucks. It's a really horrible jolt, as though someone's ripping out my heart. I don't know why I'm so impacted by the whole thing.. our friendship hasn't even been for a month. But I know, and he knows, that time isn't the factor of the depth of friendship that we share.
We have given each other enough advice to last us till our next meet, perhaps but the thought of going back to Manila and him not being there is just unbearable.
I thought it couldn't happen this way, but now I know I'm wrong. At the age where I have spent more than a quarter of a century in this world, I am still able to find a best friend who feels that I'm just as important, and whom I will always treasure in my heart. Best friends are harder to find as you grow older, aye.
Harry said that as long as things are OK in KL, it's OK. But in Manila, everything will be good from now on.
I need to trust him. Who else to trust if not your best friend?
And when Harry says that nothing is impossible, then nothing is. And when he says that everything will be okay, they will be! And when he says that I have to believe that.. I sure am going to believe that, and him.
It's just temporary, this goodbye. It won't be forever.. just for a long, long time.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Moving out of Dik's place was in a way liberating as I now have my own room. However, there are times like now that I feel particularly low. Harry's busy today and so there's no one to eat dinner with. I don't want to bring food home and eat, coz the washing would be a bit of a hassle for me, for now. And eating alone outside just doesn't seem fun at all. There at times when I wish that I had friends to hang out with. Maybe later, just not now? Which brings me back to the topic of Harry leaving, again. I don't know when Harry became so important, but he just did. I know that our friendship would soon face much difference with the existence of distance, but Harry's confident that the value of friendship is determined not by the amount of time spent, but by the depth of it.
I shouldn't hold on so tightly to a certain person, I know. It's just that Harry has been there through much change in my life lately. And having him around has been lots of fun. There's always so much to talk about, to laugh about. He's not just another friend.. he's a new best friend.
Anyway, I have met a number of new friends. And they're from different countries. More Koreans, some Japanese exchange students, an American Pinoy, another Bruneian.. and of course, many Pinoys and Pinays! I am sure that given the chance, we could be great friends too. But for now, I think I'll just spend the last few days with Harry while juggling my studies before going back to KL for a week plus to deal with my student visa. And after that maybe I'll give the new friends making more effort. Or perhaps I'd be so desperate to have people eating dinner with me that I'll be making more friends soon. :) Who knows what it is.. I am known to be a social butterfly, Ms Congeniality.. maybe things will be okay. But for this exact moment, I still need to look for a dinner date.
Lunches are okay eaten alone.. However I feel that dinners are like a social thing!!! Sigh...
Oh yeah, some of the jeepneys were giving free rides today. Some kind of sponsorship from Accenture. Tuesdays are the days when rides are free for some jeeps till the end of December. How cool is that? Oh well, but the free ones are usually full. :P
I shouldn't hold on so tightly to a certain person, I know. It's just that Harry has been there through much change in my life lately. And having him around has been lots of fun. There's always so much to talk about, to laugh about. He's not just another friend.. he's a new best friend.
Anyway, I have met a number of new friends. And they're from different countries. More Koreans, some Japanese exchange students, an American Pinoy, another Bruneian.. and of course, many Pinoys and Pinays! I am sure that given the chance, we could be great friends too. But for now, I think I'll just spend the last few days with Harry while juggling my studies before going back to KL for a week plus to deal with my student visa. And after that maybe I'll give the new friends making more effort. Or perhaps I'd be so desperate to have people eating dinner with me that I'll be making more friends soon. :) Who knows what it is.. I am known to be a social butterfly, Ms Congeniality.. maybe things will be okay. But for this exact moment, I still need to look for a dinner date.
Lunches are okay eaten alone.. However I feel that dinners are like a social thing!!! Sigh...
Oh yeah, some of the jeepneys were giving free rides today. Some kind of sponsorship from Accenture. Tuesdays are the days when rides are free for some jeeps till the end of December. How cool is that? Oh well, but the free ones are usually full. :P
I found a room and I'm happy with it. Just the room. Not too much the environment or anything else.. just the room and the price I'm paying for it. It's 2500 pesos a month.. that's less than RM 200. I am, currently staying on expensive grounds.. Quezon city (where UP Diliman is located) is the most crowded city in the Philippines.
I do not enjoy certain smells and sights but I'm sure I'll do alright. 4 years. I'll be here for 4 years. Well at least I have a room to go back to, now.
Also, been getting things for the room and found out that cost of living here, is just, HELL. Sigh. Expensive plastic items, household items, detergents and everything!
Sigh. I'll have to say my goodbyes to Harry on Friday night. Somehow, the idea of it just wrenches my poor heart. It's just harder to bid him farewell than to break up with Timothy. And that whole idea's a bit maddening too. One was my boyfriend and another my new best friend. Perhaps the thought of never ever seeing Harry again is just too horrifying.
Class starts soon. Gotta run. Will write again soon enough, I hope. Shit the Iliard, I'm still behind reading.
I do not enjoy certain smells and sights but I'm sure I'll do alright. 4 years. I'll be here for 4 years. Well at least I have a room to go back to, now.
Also, been getting things for the room and found out that cost of living here, is just, HELL. Sigh. Expensive plastic items, household items, detergents and everything!
Sigh. I'll have to say my goodbyes to Harry on Friday night. Somehow, the idea of it just wrenches my poor heart. It's just harder to bid him farewell than to break up with Timothy. And that whole idea's a bit maddening too. One was my boyfriend and another my new best friend. Perhaps the thought of never ever seeing Harry again is just too horrifying.
Class starts soon. Gotta run. Will write again soon enough, I hope. Shit the Iliard, I'm still behind reading.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Harry is back.
Harry came back from Vietnam on Monday morning and we met up in the afternoon as it was a holiday. Yay! He made it. He traveled to 4 cities in 4 countries and came back in one piece! :) Congrats Sang Hyeok. I was really worried you would be kidnapped somewhere in SouthEast Asia. but then again, you survived Metro Manila for almost 6 months, and THAT is an achievement. Ah... 'dirf', it is.
I finally visited Mall of Asia. Somehow it didn't impress me the way I thought it would. But it was alright. That evening, Harry cooked me Korean noodles. I guess he should be cooking it the real Korean way. So it was a bit more delicious than the usual Korean instant noodles I am used to tasting. :)
We met up again on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday. On Tuesday, Harry cooked his personal style of fried rice. I guess it was in a way, Korean style.. as he IS Korean, but then again the food I cook never seems to fit any categories of food in Malaysia. I guess what we're cooking is called the fusion personalised style of cooking.
It's really wonderful to hangout with him. He jokes about the craziest things, yet rationalise things the way a proper adult is supposed to. And the best thing of all is the feeling of having found your long lost best friend.
Harry has been joking about the prospects of me ending up with a Korean guy. He says that as I love KL so much.. K stands for Korean and L for Lover. Gawd, talk about corniness. I saw a guy wearing a 'I love HK' shirt and all I can think of is H for Hot and K for Korean. I'm influenced!
I hate to admit but there are times when I feel that the way my new best friend treats me seem to be so much better than how the last boyfriend treated me la. The effort he puts in for us to meet, the quality time we share by just talking about everything.. I am so blessed with great friends and Harry just adds on to the miraculous collection I have. Everywhere I go, I meet the best people (and occasionally the worst too). But it is those best people that I have helped me through, held my hand, wiped my tears, lent me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear to just hear me out, great advice and show me what true friendship means.
I am lucky in the aspect of friends and there are times when I feel that with such great friends, it is not really important for me to find another half. Perhaps I shouldn't be thinking like that, but at times, I just can't help it. I know that my friends will (and some have, actually..) one day move on as our paths drift apart, yet I believe the true friendship just doesn't die there.
As Sun and Daxing puts it (it's some Chinese idiom le), 'In this world, there is no gathering that doesn't end'. All good things come to an end, I know. Wonderful friends will have to leave you, memories stored.. footsteps separate.
I am so not looking forward to the day when I have to bid my new bestfriend goodbye. I really don't want to, but soon I'll have to.
I finally visited Mall of Asia. Somehow it didn't impress me the way I thought it would. But it was alright. That evening, Harry cooked me Korean noodles. I guess he should be cooking it the real Korean way. So it was a bit more delicious than the usual Korean instant noodles I am used to tasting. :)
We met up again on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday. On Tuesday, Harry cooked his personal style of fried rice. I guess it was in a way, Korean style.. as he IS Korean, but then again the food I cook never seems to fit any categories of food in Malaysia. I guess what we're cooking is called the fusion personalised style of cooking.
It's really wonderful to hangout with him. He jokes about the craziest things, yet rationalise things the way a proper adult is supposed to. And the best thing of all is the feeling of having found your long lost best friend.
Harry has been joking about the prospects of me ending up with a Korean guy. He says that as I love KL so much.. K stands for Korean and L for Lover. Gawd, talk about corniness. I saw a guy wearing a 'I love HK' shirt and all I can think of is H for Hot and K for Korean. I'm influenced!
I hate to admit but there are times when I feel that the way my new best friend treats me seem to be so much better than how the last boyfriend treated me la. The effort he puts in for us to meet, the quality time we share by just talking about everything.. I am so blessed with great friends and Harry just adds on to the miraculous collection I have. Everywhere I go, I meet the best people (and occasionally the worst too). But it is those best people that I have helped me through, held my hand, wiped my tears, lent me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear to just hear me out, great advice and show me what true friendship means.
I am lucky in the aspect of friends and there are times when I feel that with such great friends, it is not really important for me to find another half. Perhaps I shouldn't be thinking like that, but at times, I just can't help it. I know that my friends will (and some have, actually..) one day move on as our paths drift apart, yet I believe the true friendship just doesn't die there.
As Sun and Daxing puts it (it's some Chinese idiom le), 'In this world, there is no gathering that doesn't end'. All good things come to an end, I know. Wonderful friends will have to leave you, memories stored.. footsteps separate.
I am so not looking forward to the day when I have to bid my new bestfriend goodbye. I really don't want to, but soon I'll have to.
Dilemma.
Is this a test I have to undergo? Is there no way out? Am I supposed to live with this?
I really am not sure how I'm suppose to take up this task, Lord. I am no sissy and I can be tough when I am. But is this really necessary for this mission?
Am I picky? Am I too choosy? If I can't even go through with this, how am I supposed to be a good social worker?
Sigh.. I am feeling so tired and not finding my own place is actually interrupting with my concentration for reading. I still need to read 23 more chapters of Iliard.
Oh please Lord, find me a proper room? One where I can laugh, cry and most importantly STUDY in?
I really am not sure how I'm suppose to take up this task, Lord. I am no sissy and I can be tough when I am. But is this really necessary for this mission?
Am I picky? Am I too choosy? If I can't even go through with this, how am I supposed to be a good social worker?
Sigh.. I am feeling so tired and not finding my own place is actually interrupting with my concentration for reading. I still need to read 23 more chapters of Iliard.
Oh please Lord, find me a proper room? One where I can laugh, cry and most importantly STUDY in?
Friday, June 13, 2008
I am tired out. I have to read so much it's as though it's payback time for not being with books for the past 8 years, or maybe erm.. less than that. Since the MSC and photography days, I've stashed my books away and started clicking away with my camera. Now I'm just so extremely tired with the idea of reading but then it could be fun.
I thought 'The Iliard' was going to kill me. I tried 2 pages and almost gave up. English literature. The only reasons why I took this subject was because I needed to fill up 1 more GE subject this semester, and that I felt that I could do well. It's English, c'mon. But it's not JUST English. It's the English subject everyone avoids. I think all the students in my class are just there because they need to fill up their GE requirements. Hah. But it's not so bad. I just need a cool and proper environment and I can be reading again. If I'm not distracted, I bet I can read for hours. I used to, and I'm sure I will again soon.
But English Lit isn't the only class with reading. Readings are required for all other classes. Even Geography and Creative Writing.
So my nose is in my books. But I want to spend more time with my new best friend before we part ways!!! Gee man. It's back to juggling social life with my studies. How interesting.
Well.. I'm a student again! A freshie, to be exact! And that means.. studies first, socialising next. Love life? Let's postpone that. As how Harry puts it when people try to intro girls to him (his relationship is a secret, it's complicated la, the whole story.. ) I'll just quote him 'I'm so busy.. I don't have time for a relationship. Besides, I'm not lonely' :) But occasionally I am. And when Harry goes back to Incheon and when I move out of Dik's.. loneliness will strike me. But I guess I just need to talk to the person next to me - my new roommate, whoever she is!
I thought 'The Iliard' was going to kill me. I tried 2 pages and almost gave up. English literature. The only reasons why I took this subject was because I needed to fill up 1 more GE subject this semester, and that I felt that I could do well. It's English, c'mon. But it's not JUST English. It's the English subject everyone avoids. I think all the students in my class are just there because they need to fill up their GE requirements. Hah. But it's not so bad. I just need a cool and proper environment and I can be reading again. If I'm not distracted, I bet I can read for hours. I used to, and I'm sure I will again soon.
But English Lit isn't the only class with reading. Readings are required for all other classes. Even Geography and Creative Writing.
So my nose is in my books. But I want to spend more time with my new best friend before we part ways!!! Gee man. It's back to juggling social life with my studies. How interesting.
Well.. I'm a student again! A freshie, to be exact! And that means.. studies first, socialising next. Love life? Let's postpone that. As how Harry puts it when people try to intro girls to him (his relationship is a secret, it's complicated la, the whole story.. ) I'll just quote him 'I'm so busy.. I don't have time for a relationship. Besides, I'm not lonely' :) But occasionally I am. And when Harry goes back to Incheon and when I move out of Dik's.. loneliness will strike me. But I guess I just need to talk to the person next to me - my new roommate, whoever she is!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Friday, June 06, 2008
Class Registration - My Baptism of UP life
I'm 10 years too late, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm registering for subjects and running all around the university. Though tired to the bones I am, I'm not giving up. Late registration caused most of the subjects I wanted to enlist for to be out of slots or closed, but I still managed to sign up for creative writing and geography. English literature wasn't desired, but I took it for the sake of filling up credits for this semester as most of the maths, science and technology subjects are full.
Gawd. Imagine studying biology or geology for the first time? Kinda weird, it seems.. but that's what I'll be doing next semester and the following, believe it or not. :)
I've not walked so much for such a long time. Only during my travels do I walk so much. Even my hips are aching!
Orientation and classes start next Tuesday. Need to pay fees and continue on other things that I've not done then. Sigh.. still applying for dorm. I hope I get a space la!
Can't wait for my new life to start. It's getting close now! Oh well, actually it started already.
Gawd. Imagine studying biology or geology for the first time? Kinda weird, it seems.. but that's what I'll be doing next semester and the following, believe it or not. :)
I've not walked so much for such a long time. Only during my travels do I walk so much. Even my hips are aching!
Orientation and classes start next Tuesday. Need to pay fees and continue on other things that I've not done then. Sigh.. still applying for dorm. I hope I get a space la!
Can't wait for my new life to start. It's getting close now! Oh well, actually it started already.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Goodbye Prince Charming
I love you. I do. I've never loved a guy the way I could love you.
You made me so happy and you gave me so much hope. You patched
my wounded soul and you showed me how good it was to live again.
You're all that I've ever wanted and needed and I do want a happily
ever after with you.
But I think you need this. I think you need me to let you go. I know
that I should at least listen to what you have to say. But I can't
live with another guy walking out of my life.
So I have to call it quits, babe. I have to let you go. My puzzle's
going to be missing a piece again. My life will be incomplete again
but I guess I'll be alright.
I'm sorry we never made it to our goal. My happily ever after will
just have to wait.
You made me so happy and you gave me so much hope. You patched
my wounded soul and you showed me how good it was to live again.
You're all that I've ever wanted and needed and I do want a happily
ever after with you.
But I think you need this. I think you need me to let you go. I know
that I should at least listen to what you have to say. But I can't
live with another guy walking out of my life.
So I have to call it quits, babe. I have to let you go. My puzzle's
going to be missing a piece again. My life will be incomplete again
but I guess I'll be alright.
I'm sorry we never made it to our goal. My happily ever after will
just have to wait.
I miss you, I do.
Dearest Daddy
It's been 2 years. And it doesn't get easier though I've gotten a bit used to the idea that though you're no longer amidst us physically, your spirit still lives on.
Challenges do not seem to end and there are days when I wish that I could ask you for advice on what I should do. I really had to grow up since you left and there are days that I wish that you never left. But don't worry, dy. Everything's okay. No matter how bad things seem these days, the most I do is just to flip out for 5 minutes and then brush it off. I'm not all that emo anymore and I honestly hope it's a good thing.
Mom says that she's attending more and more wake prayers and funerals with Jane these days. I hope it's not getting too crowded up there. But looking on the bright side, I guess you have more friends to chat with now? :)
Daddy, I love you. I also know that if I do, I need to let you go. And I'm sorry to have held on for so long, and making things seem so hard.. but I am finally trying now.
Though today marks the day you left us, it is not a day to mourn. Instead, it should be a day to celebrate your life and to reflect on how wonderful you were as a father to us, a husband to mom, and a person to everyone who knew you. You were not afraid to love, to be passionate about life, to enjoy the little things that makes you happy and to give unconditionally to your family. You were a man of grace, full of charisma for life. You made people around you laugh and cry just by being you. And you truly lived.
Daddy, here's to you. To all that you made possible and to all that you mean to me.
It's been 2 years. And it doesn't get easier though I've gotten a bit used to the idea that though you're no longer amidst us physically, your spirit still lives on.
Challenges do not seem to end and there are days when I wish that I could ask you for advice on what I should do. I really had to grow up since you left and there are days that I wish that you never left. But don't worry, dy. Everything's okay. No matter how bad things seem these days, the most I do is just to flip out for 5 minutes and then brush it off. I'm not all that emo anymore and I honestly hope it's a good thing.
Mom says that she's attending more and more wake prayers and funerals with Jane these days. I hope it's not getting too crowded up there. But looking on the bright side, I guess you have more friends to chat with now? :)
Daddy, I love you. I also know that if I do, I need to let you go. And I'm sorry to have held on for so long, and making things seem so hard.. but I am finally trying now.
Though today marks the day you left us, it is not a day to mourn. Instead, it should be a day to celebrate your life and to reflect on how wonderful you were as a father to us, a husband to mom, and a person to everyone who knew you. You were not afraid to love, to be passionate about life, to enjoy the little things that makes you happy and to give unconditionally to your family. You were a man of grace, full of charisma for life. You made people around you laugh and cry just by being you. And you truly lived.
Daddy, here's to you. To all that you made possible and to all that you mean to me.
Just another Korean guy? Maybe not...
I'm known to do things the impulsive way and occasionally things I do would somehow be frowned upon but I have not done anything as unexpected as those of the previous days.
My relationship is in trouble. Somehow happiness isn't one that sticks around with me for long. Happiness in a love relationship, that is. I guess I am paying a debt to karma. Perhaps I've done enough wrongs in the past and it's just payback time. However, I'm not as upset as I should be - or should I say as a person who might be facing a break up should be.
I met a Korean guy at Clark and I was keen to talk to him as I was bored out of my wits, a bit upset with the prospects of going home for a potential break up, and missing a conversation in my 'mother tongue' - I honestly thought he was Chinese.
:) After filling up the immigration departure form, I headed to sit next to the Korean guy and asked him 'Are you going to KL?' and he said 'No, Kuala Lumpur'. :) I knew that he wasn't Chinese, nor Malaysian but continued chatting with him anyway. Yes.. that's because I love to talk.
I offered him advice on KL and we later proceeded inside and continued to chat further. Our conversation carried from the check in counter line, to the counter, to the payment for airport tax counter, to the queue towards to immigration check point, past the screening section, at the waiting area, among the queue towards the plane and also in the plane. We were joined briefly by a Chinoy businessman Sandy as well who gave us wonderful stories on beaches and being rich and famous in the Philippines.
After 4 hours of long conversation that covers practically topics of all types, we introduced ourselves! Haha.. and I did the most absurd thing. I invited him to stay at my sister's place!!! And he actually said YES. Oh my goodness. Seriously. I have outdone all the craziest things I've done in the past but it actually felt like it was the thing I had to do.
We talked some more and the plane landed. I would love to mention every single bit of incidents in details but am a bit lazy to be so elaborate.
So, just in brief.. we spent 2 days plus just talking, sightseeing, running financial errands, meeting friends and having a blast.
I have never had such a unique friendship. A really healthy and unusual one as well. Thinking about it, I could have met with a serial killer di ba? Pero it wasn't like that. I met with an angel who thinks I am one too. I met a total stranger who accompanied me through some difficult moments that I couldn't escape and I met with a really great friend. With all the emotions I feel, people find me overwhelming. Yet this new friend responses with equal feelings.
We may have very different lives, our own sets of commitments and future plans. Yet somehow our paths were meant to cross and we were given some time to enjoy each other's presence.
Quoting him indirectly, I honestly feel that even if I met with someone from home, I might not have shared such a wonderful time with that person. When 62 hours of knowing each other seem like 10 years, you'll know that miracles do happen. And God does exist. And living angels do walk the earth. And everything would be okay no matter how bad it seems.
Thank you Harry, Mr Korean Guy.
My relationship is in trouble. Somehow happiness isn't one that sticks around with me for long. Happiness in a love relationship, that is. I guess I am paying a debt to karma. Perhaps I've done enough wrongs in the past and it's just payback time. However, I'm not as upset as I should be - or should I say as a person who might be facing a break up should be.
I met a Korean guy at Clark and I was keen to talk to him as I was bored out of my wits, a bit upset with the prospects of going home for a potential break up, and missing a conversation in my 'mother tongue' - I honestly thought he was Chinese.
:) After filling up the immigration departure form, I headed to sit next to the Korean guy and asked him 'Are you going to KL?' and he said 'No, Kuala Lumpur'. :) I knew that he wasn't Chinese, nor Malaysian but continued chatting with him anyway. Yes.. that's because I love to talk.
I offered him advice on KL and we later proceeded inside and continued to chat further. Our conversation carried from the check in counter line, to the counter, to the payment for airport tax counter, to the queue towards to immigration check point, past the screening section, at the waiting area, among the queue towards the plane and also in the plane. We were joined briefly by a Chinoy businessman Sandy as well who gave us wonderful stories on beaches and being rich and famous in the Philippines.
After 4 hours of long conversation that covers practically topics of all types, we introduced ourselves! Haha.. and I did the most absurd thing. I invited him to stay at my sister's place!!! And he actually said YES. Oh my goodness. Seriously. I have outdone all the craziest things I've done in the past but it actually felt like it was the thing I had to do.
We talked some more and the plane landed. I would love to mention every single bit of incidents in details but am a bit lazy to be so elaborate.
So, just in brief.. we spent 2 days plus just talking, sightseeing, running financial errands, meeting friends and having a blast.
I have never had such a unique friendship. A really healthy and unusual one as well. Thinking about it, I could have met with a serial killer di ba? Pero it wasn't like that. I met with an angel who thinks I am one too. I met a total stranger who accompanied me through some difficult moments that I couldn't escape and I met with a really great friend. With all the emotions I feel, people find me overwhelming. Yet this new friend responses with equal feelings.
We may have very different lives, our own sets of commitments and future plans. Yet somehow our paths were meant to cross and we were given some time to enjoy each other's presence.
Quoting him indirectly, I honestly feel that even if I met with someone from home, I might not have shared such a wonderful time with that person. When 62 hours of knowing each other seem like 10 years, you'll know that miracles do happen. And God does exist. And living angels do walk the earth. And everything would be okay no matter how bad it seems.
Thank you Harry, Mr Korean Guy.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I had to come so far and take such a long time.. just to find out that though I've always wanted things to be perfect in the past, and in a very Victoria Ang way, it was perfect until 2006 came along.. and then things started to get a bit complicated. And after that I felt so much like a failure and things were not just NOT PERFECT, it was rather messed up, it was.
But it's alright. No matter how bad things were, it just shows that I'm not perfect and things don't get perfect but it's okay. I have friends and family and people who love me just the way I am. And that's what matters most.
So though I cry a bit now, I just miss the good old days. I'm fine already. I am.
But it's alright. No matter how bad things were, it just shows that I'm not perfect and things don't get perfect but it's okay. I have friends and family and people who love me just the way I am. And that's what matters most.
So though I cry a bit now, I just miss the good old days. I'm fine already. I am.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Frustrations - A few drops of tears - Hopes and Dreams
My life has been a bit frustrating lately. But amidst that, I still find comfort and joy in the fact that what I'll be doing for the next 4 years will be finally answering to a call that I've avoided long enough.
I didn't make it for the talent determination test. My ego was horribly bruised. May 5. The day I realised that I wasn't so artistic after all. I mean, I never really questioned my creativity. But somehow, I do know that being artistic.. I would somehow need to draw as well. I can't just let my art sense be based on my aesthetic values eye level, right? Oh well.
I wanted to cry and I believe I did drop a few tears. But that was all there was. Just a few drops. If I was totally depressed and if tomorrow was not within sight, I would have been bawling and rolling in the streets, right? But it wasn't all that painful. It was just like a pinch from.. not even from a crab, perhaps like one from mom back when I was younger and falling asleep in church.
I had to console myself for there wasn't anyone around whose words I wanted to listen to, anyway. Except for Joel. Perhaps Joel. He was so sweet.. taking all those rides just to buy me a drink at Starbucks. I knew I had a crush on him for a reason and the reason was today? :)
I was too caught up with the ego bruising, so much so that I let my future plans slip my mind.. the little dreams of working all over the world for a better tomorrow for the people around me. Well, it's never too selfless to start now instead of 8 years later. Besides, it would be a degree as well, right.
So here goes. To the Bachelors of Science in Social Works at the College of Social Works and Community Development.
I don't want to ever forget what I hoped for, what I dreamt about.. and the reason why I'm here. I hope I won't let my ego get in the way again.. but then again, being as egoistic as I am.. it's hard to let the ego thing slip.
The days might be a bit monotonous now but the adventures are starting really soon. New roommate, new course, new environment.. new a lot of things. :) It will be alright. I just need to be a little bit more patient. And.. I just need to remember about 'the ship'.
Things will be alright.
I didn't make it for the talent determination test. My ego was horribly bruised. May 5. The day I realised that I wasn't so artistic after all. I mean, I never really questioned my creativity. But somehow, I do know that being artistic.. I would somehow need to draw as well. I can't just let my art sense be based on my aesthetic values eye level, right? Oh well.
I wanted to cry and I believe I did drop a few tears. But that was all there was. Just a few drops. If I was totally depressed and if tomorrow was not within sight, I would have been bawling and rolling in the streets, right? But it wasn't all that painful. It was just like a pinch from.. not even from a crab, perhaps like one from mom back when I was younger and falling asleep in church.
I had to console myself for there wasn't anyone around whose words I wanted to listen to, anyway. Except for Joel. Perhaps Joel. He was so sweet.. taking all those rides just to buy me a drink at Starbucks. I knew I had a crush on him for a reason and the reason was today? :)
I was too caught up with the ego bruising, so much so that I let my future plans slip my mind.. the little dreams of working all over the world for a better tomorrow for the people around me. Well, it's never too selfless to start now instead of 8 years later. Besides, it would be a degree as well, right.
So here goes. To the Bachelors of Science in Social Works at the College of Social Works and Community Development.
I don't want to ever forget what I hoped for, what I dreamt about.. and the reason why I'm here. I hope I won't let my ego get in the way again.. but then again, being as egoistic as I am.. it's hard to let the ego thing slip.
The days might be a bit monotonous now but the adventures are starting really soon. New roommate, new course, new environment.. new a lot of things. :) It will be alright. I just need to be a little bit more patient. And.. I just need to remember about 'the ship'.
Things will be alright.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Talent Determination Test
I drew 2 Greek men today. They were fighting and they look really white. But somehow, I was suppose to shed some color to create light and form and stuff like that la. My goodness. I can't believe I drew what I did. I mean.. it's tough, no doubt. But I managed to make them look like humans la. That part was unbelievable. But to think I just simply drew for my talent determination test.. Oh well... Let's hope and pray and wish for the best! :P
The 2nd part of TDT was fun though. I drew flowers as the theme was 'nature'. We were supposed to be as creative as possible and add lines and color to some lines that were already provided.
I have never felt at helpless as I did just now. And restless too. But it was quite fun, drawing the Greek men.
I feel a bit speechless now. I guess the whole experience was too overwhelming in a good, bad and maddening way.
So, I'm going to sleep soon..
I miss home.
The 2nd part of TDT was fun though. I drew flowers as the theme was 'nature'. We were supposed to be as creative as possible and add lines and color to some lines that were already provided.
I have never felt at helpless as I did just now. And restless too. But it was quite fun, drawing the Greek men.
I feel a bit speechless now. I guess the whole experience was too overwhelming in a good, bad and maddening way.
So, I'm going to sleep soon..
I miss home.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
66 this year.
Another birthday, another opportunity to celebrate, another wise year to add on to your wise age.. but you're no longer around, daddy.
It's still not easy and we still miss you so. But everyone's alright now. Even I am alright now. I want to make you proud again, daddy. I am truly happy with life now and everything seems good and promising. Just pray that I get into UP, into CFA and major visual comm.
I love you no less, daddy. And I still wish that I could've spend a bit more time. I believe you're doing well now. Just keep guiding us, k.
Happy 66th Birthday, daddy. I love you and I miss you.
It's still not easy and we still miss you so. But everyone's alright now. Even I am alright now. I want to make you proud again, daddy. I am truly happy with life now and everything seems good and promising. Just pray that I get into UP, into CFA and major visual comm.
I love you no less, daddy. And I still wish that I could've spend a bit more time. I believe you're doing well now. Just keep guiding us, k.
Happy 66th Birthday, daddy. I love you and I miss you.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Reporting from UP's shopping center...
I've been in the Philippines for a week already. Life has started and is going on pretty well. I am happy, contented and life seems to be rolling pretty well. The thing is that I do miss home and the people there. Very much.
It's been hot and I've been busy with university application. After numerous visits, clarification emails, endless headache and a horribly long procedure, I'm finally accepted by UP. The thing is that I am yet to be accepted by the College of Fine Arts for the Bachelors in Visual Communication.
I am tired. I am also sleepy but there are things I can't overlook.. like visa. Gawd, I almost forgot about my visa!! I pray and hope that all will go well, I really do.
And till I lay my head on the bed again tonight, or more so when I'm in Tarlac.. my headache will not go away. Sigh..
It's been hot and I've been busy with university application. After numerous visits, clarification emails, endless headache and a horribly long procedure, I'm finally accepted by UP. The thing is that I am yet to be accepted by the College of Fine Arts for the Bachelors in Visual Communication.
I am tired. I am also sleepy but there are things I can't overlook.. like visa. Gawd, I almost forgot about my visa!! I pray and hope that all will go well, I really do.
And till I lay my head on the bed again tonight, or more so when I'm in Tarlac.. my headache will not go away. Sigh..
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
I have to learn how to pick myself up alone.
I have to learn how to be emotionally independent.
I have to learn how to stop crying and when to stop crying.
I have to learn how to accept the things I can't change and learn to adapt with new changes.
I have to learn how to bear with consequences.
I have to learn how to smile at the hiccups of life.
I have to learn how to overcome the pangs I feel when rejected.
I have to learn how to toughen up and keep on breathing.
I have to learn how to let you go.
I have to learn now that you are no longer by my side.
I have to learn how to be emotionally independent.
I have to learn how to stop crying and when to stop crying.
I have to learn how to accept the things I can't change and learn to adapt with new changes.
I have to learn how to bear with consequences.
I have to learn how to smile at the hiccups of life.
I have to learn how to overcome the pangs I feel when rejected.
I have to learn how to toughen up and keep on breathing.
I have to learn how to let you go.
I have to learn now that you are no longer by my side.
Writings in the plane from Bali - Mar 12, 08
Let's face our fears before they tear us apart. To overcome fear, one needs to at least confront and accept that these fears exist. So what am I afraid of? Changes? But I crave for differences, for non monotonous life! So why am I complaining now? What's making me feel that all the changes in the future will be for the worse? Is it due to the fact that I have just made a huge step out of a long term relationship? And getting myself attached with a totally different other person? One whom I'm not sure if I can get used to when it comes to trust, long distance
and being faithful?
Whatever it is. It's good to live life to the fullest. It's just once, anyway. Even if I have my heart broken, it'll just be once, by one person. If I let someone hurt me twice, then I'll be horribly dumb. But till then, I wouldn't know the outcome of the situation unless I try, right? So let's just plunge all crazily into the depths of life. Everything will be okay. It's okay to not have stability for a moment or two as long as it's not permanent, alright?
Things will be fine, Vicky. You just need to have faith in God and yourself. Things will be perfectly well then. Amen.
and being faithful?
Whatever it is. It's good to live life to the fullest. It's just once, anyway. Even if I have my heart broken, it'll just be once, by one person. If I let someone hurt me twice, then I'll be horribly dumb. But till then, I wouldn't know the outcome of the situation unless I try, right? So let's just plunge all crazily into the depths of life. Everything will be okay. It's okay to not have stability for a moment or two as long as it's not permanent, alright?
Things will be fine, Vicky. You just need to have faith in God and yourself. Things will be perfectly well then. Amen.
The little pleasures of life - Part II
The little pleasures of life - Part II
- going on long drives with Nic
- just starring at the blue sea at Padangbai, Bali
- hanging out by the river at Luang Prabang, Laos
- eating ice cream on a snowing day
- dining with the Thai bunch
- talking about future kids and future life with Pin
- recalling fond memories with old friends
- Santiago family's avocado dessert
- having a conversation with Jerome
- getting a good bargain for something unique!
- writing and pouring out my heart
- chatting with strangers while travelling
- going on long drives with Nic
- just starring at the blue sea at Padangbai, Bali
- hanging out by the river at Luang Prabang, Laos
- eating ice cream on a snowing day
- dining with the Thai bunch
- talking about future kids and future life with Pin
- recalling fond memories with old friends
- Santiago family's avocado dessert
- having a conversation with Jerome
- getting a good bargain for something unique!
- writing and pouring out my heart
- chatting with strangers while travelling
I love you, Tim - Bali Nyepi Day - Mar 7, 08
I've not felt as happy as I do now and I know it's all because of you. Your presence in my life, YOU being who you are.. totally fills up the missing puzzle space. Are you the missing puzzle? Are you the one to complete me?
Being with you, being your girl just totally fulfills all my dreams of being in love. I love the way you make me feel. I love the fact that I love life now, not just because I'm in love with you, but you've given me the air to breathe once more.
My brain tingles with joy to know that I have a prince charming who loves me to bits. My heart flutters and dances around in bliss as I recall all our wonderful moments together.
You make me feel like all the impossibilities in this world are nothing but my own fear. You make the impossibilities seem so possible.
The fact that I know you're there for me gives me courage to face another day, confidence to approach my worst fears yet sanity to encounter them with wisdom.
You're my angel. You're God's gift for me, the compass that I lost when I lost my father... Hearing your voice is like surfing in God's heavenly skies, soaring to the heavens.
Having you in my arms or having your arms around me comforts me. The world may fall apart but as long as you're there.. I fear not.
You're the bridge that I once unintentionally burnt. The bridge that leads me to my Heavenly King. You have brought me back to His side.
And I love you, Tim. I love you so much and still I feel that I can love you more and more.
This weird feeling that you are THE ONE may seem crazy and insane.. but totally fine, all at the same time.
And I thank God, never enough though.. for bringing you into my life once again. I've tried to run, I could have been hiding.. but you found me once more. And I love you so much for all your love, all your care and all that you mean to me.
Being with you, being your girl just totally fulfills all my dreams of being in love. I love the way you make me feel. I love the fact that I love life now, not just because I'm in love with you, but you've given me the air to breathe once more.
My brain tingles with joy to know that I have a prince charming who loves me to bits. My heart flutters and dances around in bliss as I recall all our wonderful moments together.
You make me feel like all the impossibilities in this world are nothing but my own fear. You make the impossibilities seem so possible.
The fact that I know you're there for me gives me courage to face another day, confidence to approach my worst fears yet sanity to encounter them with wisdom.
You're my angel. You're God's gift for me, the compass that I lost when I lost my father... Hearing your voice is like surfing in God's heavenly skies, soaring to the heavens.
Having you in my arms or having your arms around me comforts me. The world may fall apart but as long as you're there.. I fear not.
You're the bridge that I once unintentionally burnt. The bridge that leads me to my Heavenly King. You have brought me back to His side.
And I love you, Tim. I love you so much and still I feel that I can love you more and more.
This weird feeling that you are THE ONE may seem crazy and insane.. but totally fine, all at the same time.
And I thank God, never enough though.. for bringing you into my life once again. I've tried to run, I could have been hiding.. but you found me once more. And I love you so much for all your love, all your care and all that you mean to me.
Hello daddy,
Am just writing to tell you that I've found love. His name is Timothy and he's from Nigeria and he's the best thing in my life now. No worries, I won't let this get in the way of my educational plans.
There are just so many things to tell you, about him but I will do so as the time goes by. My gut feeling tells me that he is the one yet no one knows that they've found the one till they breathe their last breaths, right? Well, you found yours, and I hope Tim is mine.
I still miss you, daddy. But the pain is more bearable now. You're not replaced, you can never be but I have found the man that I love most now and I am really, really happy.
Am just writing to tell you that I've found love. His name is Timothy and he's from Nigeria and he's the best thing in my life now. No worries, I won't let this get in the way of my educational plans.
There are just so many things to tell you, about him but I will do so as the time goes by. My gut feeling tells me that he is the one yet no one knows that they've found the one till they breathe their last breaths, right? Well, you found yours, and I hope Tim is mine.
I still miss you, daddy. But the pain is more bearable now. You're not replaced, you can never be but I have found the man that I love most now and I am really, really happy.
I tried to blog in Mandarin but somehow my software doesn't seem to be working well. Oh darn, just need to use another computer, I guess. But gee.. writing in English, I can type 80 to 90 words per minute. And writing in Mandarin? Haha.. with the speed I take to string my words and phrases together, I can only write a sentence in 5 minutes? Maybe I'm exaggerating.. maybe just 3 minutes. :P
Life has been awfully peaceful these few days. I guess the roller coaster ride starts again next Saturday when I finally get my ass over to Manila. I am excited, but there are now reasons for me not to leave. However, getting a degree is important for my future. I must be at par with Tim or else there will always be a mental gap.
My back is not hurting so much anymore. I'm so lazy to blog about Seoul and Bali. Too many friends mean repeating your stories too many times thus getting bored of them - the stories, already. Haih.
It's so good to be in love.
Life has been awfully peaceful these few days. I guess the roller coaster ride starts again next Saturday when I finally get my ass over to Manila. I am excited, but there are now reasons for me not to leave. However, getting a degree is important for my future. I must be at par with Tim or else there will always be a mental gap.
My back is not hurting so much anymore. I'm so lazy to blog about Seoul and Bali. Too many friends mean repeating your stories too many times thus getting bored of them - the stories, already. Haih.
It's so good to be in love.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Coming to Seoul made me realise a few things.
*It gets a bit lonely when the weather is cold.
*Snow is best seen and experienced with your loved ones.
*No matter where you are won't determine how easy it is for you to let go.
*Running away from handling emotions will still stain your eyes with unshed tears when you finally embrace the situation.
*My heart can never be divided. It somehow just added on some extensions.
* Forcing yourself to forget is cruel.
(As of end February 2008)
*It gets a bit lonely when the weather is cold.
*Snow is best seen and experienced with your loved ones.
*No matter where you are won't determine how easy it is for you to let go.
*Running away from handling emotions will still stain your eyes with unshed tears when you finally embrace the situation.
*My heart can never be divided. It somehow just added on some extensions.
* Forcing yourself to forget is cruel.
(As of end February 2008)
Friday, February 22, 2008
Here's for you, Boo.. my sunshine.
Thank you for walking me through this journey of more than 6 years.
Thank you for being my sunshine through the darkest days.
Thank you for your everlasting tender, loving, care.
Thank you for always thinking what's best for me.
Thank you for making me smile when all I could do was to cry.
Thank you for being my listener, when nobody wanted to listen.
Thank you for being the shoulder for me to cry on.
Thank you for teaching me how to truly love.
Thank you for all you've meant to me, all you mean to me.
Thank you for being you.
I will always love you, Boo. But I have to let you go now. I'm sorry.
Thank you for being my sunshine through the darkest days.
Thank you for your everlasting tender, loving, care.
Thank you for always thinking what's best for me.
Thank you for making me smile when all I could do was to cry.
Thank you for being my listener, when nobody wanted to listen.
Thank you for being the shoulder for me to cry on.
Thank you for teaching me how to truly love.
Thank you for all you've meant to me, all you mean to me.
Thank you for being you.
I will always love you, Boo. But I have to let you go now. I'm sorry.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Sobbing from within.
I have lived with you as a huge part of my life for more than 6 years already. Every single step I took, every breath I breathed.. Every moment of those years, you played such a significant role. Through the days that I've done wrong, I'm sorry for all the hurt that I brought to you.
I love you. I still do. I love you so much it hurts that goodbye has arrived at our doorstep. If I do not let you go now, I will harm you more than you know. I will cause more pain, pain you do not deserve. I need you to understand that no matter how much I feel for you, no matter how it cuts my heart and my soul, I still need to let you go.
My heart aches in sour anguish yet tears refuse to flow. I fear the future. I really do. But what must be done, must be done.
Goodbye, my love. And thank you for being the most important person in my life.
I love you. I still do. I love you so much it hurts that goodbye has arrived at our doorstep. If I do not let you go now, I will harm you more than you know. I will cause more pain, pain you do not deserve. I need you to understand that no matter how much I feel for you, no matter how it cuts my heart and my soul, I still need to let you go.
My heart aches in sour anguish yet tears refuse to flow. I fear the future. I really do. But what must be done, must be done.
Goodbye, my love. And thank you for being the most important person in my life.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
I want to cry because our days are coming to and end but I'm still not ready to let go. I have to and I will but I just want to cry a bit more.
I want to cry because though our days are just starting, they seem to be ending really soon. It's alright if there are tomorrows though, but certainty is a word so foreign.
I want to cry because I don't know whether I'm strong enough to go on, determine enough to fight another battle for 4 years.
I want to cry because I don't know who to talk to anymore. Friends are here there and everywhere. I really don't want to invade.
I want to cry because I'm still crying after such a long time. I'm so tired already...
I want to cry because though our days are just starting, they seem to be ending really soon. It's alright if there are tomorrows though, but certainty is a word so foreign.
I want to cry because I don't know whether I'm strong enough to go on, determine enough to fight another battle for 4 years.
I want to cry because I don't know who to talk to anymore. Friends are here there and everywhere. I really don't want to invade.
I want to cry because I'm still crying after such a long time. I'm so tired already...
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Monday, February 04, 2008
A mental note to make - Laos is GORGEOUS. Cheap, beautiful and wonderful. What took me so long to visit Laos.. I wonder. :P The answer's simple la, Airasia wasn't flying to Laos before this. :)
Heartfelt gratitude to Aunty Kathy who made this trip possible. Without her as my financier, this trip would have been impossible for now.
Vientiane is a laid back city, bustling in its own pace. Walk along the streets to savour the wonders of the capital.
Vang Vieng, a tourist's cow boy town. The wonderful hills and local activity paints this town so beautifully your day shines a bit brighter and smiling to everyone seems normal.
Luang Prabang. One of the UNESCO World Heritage sites. Preserved for its scenic nature and French colonial buildings, this town bustles with tourists especially during year end. Walking down small alley lanes, eating rice noodles and visiting ancient temples are usual visit routines of foreigners. A ride out of the town area brings one to gorgeous caves and waterfalls. What a wonderful place to chill and relax.
I love Laos. I will be back. I will bring more friends and next time round, I will swim in Nam Ngum Lake and Kuang Si Waterfall!!! I will even rent a car to take more pics.
This place is definitely in my list of places to spray my ashes after I cuckoo. :)
Heartfelt gratitude to Aunty Kathy who made this trip possible. Without her as my financier, this trip would have been impossible for now.
Vientiane is a laid back city, bustling in its own pace. Walk along the streets to savour the wonders of the capital.
Vang Vieng, a tourist's cow boy town. The wonderful hills and local activity paints this town so beautifully your day shines a bit brighter and smiling to everyone seems normal.
Luang Prabang. One of the UNESCO World Heritage sites. Preserved for its scenic nature and French colonial buildings, this town bustles with tourists especially during year end. Walking down small alley lanes, eating rice noodles and visiting ancient temples are usual visit routines of foreigners. A ride out of the town area brings one to gorgeous caves and waterfalls. What a wonderful place to chill and relax.
I love Laos. I will be back. I will bring more friends and next time round, I will swim in Nam Ngum Lake and Kuang Si Waterfall!!! I will even rent a car to take more pics.
This place is definitely in my list of places to spray my ashes after I cuckoo. :)
Boo.
Let tears not stain our eyes when distance separates us. You're fondly and lovingly in my heart and on my mind. Your presence in my life has strengthened me through the worst days and for that, you will always remain as the most important person for me. Always. Doubt not what you mean to me. Fear not what our future holds. Destiny is but a foreign word. Blue skies and sunshine will rule our later days.
Missing you from home.
Let tears not stain our eyes when distance separates us. You're fondly and lovingly in my heart and on my mind. Your presence in my life has strengthened me through the worst days and for that, you will always remain as the most important person for me. Always. Doubt not what you mean to me. Fear not what our future holds. Destiny is but a foreign word. Blue skies and sunshine will rule our later days.
Missing you from home.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
So long, farewell - KL
So I left KL yesterday afternoon at 3.25 pm and as the plane took off, my KL life ended. I've bid farewell to a fair lot of people who made my 5 years and 3 months in KL bearable.
My heart hurt and I wanted to cry so badly but I kept telling myself that KL will always be close to heart.
It's over. Life there. And new adventures are waiting for me. I admit the fear of not knowing what tomorrow brings, but I'm too psycho to actually let myself fear too much. The mystery of my after days actually creates an adrenaline rush that I enjoy. I am nuts.
Will be bumming in Kuching for a month. After that I might be in Seoul for a week for the East Asian Session, and then to Bali for some sun with Pin.
Life's finally starting for me again. I guess I'm too chicken shit to truly enjoy it for now.
My heart hurt and I wanted to cry so badly but I kept telling myself that KL will always be close to heart.
It's over. Life there. And new adventures are waiting for me. I admit the fear of not knowing what tomorrow brings, but I'm too psycho to actually let myself fear too much. The mystery of my after days actually creates an adrenaline rush that I enjoy. I am nuts.
Will be bumming in Kuching for a month. After that I might be in Seoul for a week for the East Asian Session, and then to Bali for some sun with Pin.
Life's finally starting for me again. I guess I'm too chicken shit to truly enjoy it for now.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Talk about fusion la.
My heart's in pain. I'm feeling all too much.
I'm excited that Laos is just 3 days away.
I'm sad that Wednesday marks my last day in USJ..
It hurts to say goodbye. It hurts to know that goodbye's just around the corner.
My strings aren't cut. No farewell seems final. I don't even know when it's proper to cry.
Jan 20th or March 29th?
Giving away things soothe my mind but creates this tightness in the chest.
My things are slowly leaving No. 19.. with pieces of memories attached to them.
There goes the fridge and washing machine that mommy gave to me.
Soon WLW 8276 will be going to Pin too. Daddy's most precious gift to me ever.
I'm having doubts on my actions, but I've never been more sure about anything.
It's time to move on, Vicky. It really is.
14 boxes have been sea-mailed back home. A few more will be following suit.
Some things will be airasia-ed together with Joevie and Rick in July, others will
be mine to bring over in March.
They're all just THINGS, right. Materials that help make life easier? Things accumulated
through the years. Why all these emotions where they go or when they go?
I can't seem to cry and that seems wrong too.
I need to learn how to take things easy. It's time to learn, it's not too late.
I'm excited that Laos is just 3 days away.
I'm sad that Wednesday marks my last day in USJ..
It hurts to say goodbye. It hurts to know that goodbye's just around the corner.
My strings aren't cut. No farewell seems final. I don't even know when it's proper to cry.
Jan 20th or March 29th?
Giving away things soothe my mind but creates this tightness in the chest.
My things are slowly leaving No. 19.. with pieces of memories attached to them.
There goes the fridge and washing machine that mommy gave to me.
Soon WLW 8276 will be going to Pin too. Daddy's most precious gift to me ever.
I'm having doubts on my actions, but I've never been more sure about anything.
It's time to move on, Vicky. It really is.
14 boxes have been sea-mailed back home. A few more will be following suit.
Some things will be airasia-ed together with Joevie and Rick in July, others will
be mine to bring over in March.
They're all just THINGS, right. Materials that help make life easier? Things accumulated
through the years. Why all these emotions where they go or when they go?
I can't seem to cry and that seems wrong too.
I need to learn how to take things easy. It's time to learn, it's not too late.
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