I've lived so much yet there's so much to see
I've learned so much yet more awaits me
I've met so many yet more I'll meet
But for now, I just want to be back at His feet.
Lord help me to be grateful for what I have, to be thankful to be alive, to be glad that my days come and go without pain, to smile at the little things to be happy about, and to share all my blessings with others.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
About recent dilemmas...
I've not written for a rather long time. Perhaps I've been busy, perhaps I've been trying to muffle my thoughts with the idea that I'm busy, or even.. perhaps I've been trying not to think so much.
But there are a few things on my mind now, things that require decisions. Decisions that I'm not sure how to make.
No. 1 dilemma
Should I go home after my studies?
Well, I've always wanted to live abroad and I am now living in another country. I miss home, always, but I'm not exactly deprived, or depressed, or having a miserable time. I like living amidst people from 20 other countries, I enjoy studying despite the heavy workload too. I guess it's just the idea of not knowing where I truly belong.
When I asked my best friend what he thinks about me going home, he asked me if I loved being here so much so that I do not want to go home. Well, it's not here I want to stay forever.. but I did have plans to work and stay in a few other countries before going home eventually.
Now, though, I'm wondering if my dreams are actually realistic and the right thing to do.
My dream, is to help. To empower people and to speak up and stand up for those who are not able to do so. Simple it is and I should be able to do that from anywhere in the world, right? So, why not home? Mom's at home. She's getting old, and shouldn't a child be there for an aging parent? Or, should I pursue my dreams and at the same time while trying to work out something, something such as relocating mom and even Jane?
Is home really home? They say that 'home is where the heart belongs'. Where does my heart belong? My ancestors left China a long time ago to where they felt the pastures were greener. Should I do the same? Or should I, as a future social worker, head to where the pastures are most dried up, and start from there? Or, should I go home, find withered pastures and work them to make them greener?
As a Christian, I do believe that God should be the one guiding me wherever I go and in everything that I do. Yet, what is it that I should do? Where should I go?
I have less than 1.5 years before I graduate. I need to decide at least a year before that, right? I'm not getting any younger, but these doubts of my future are making me feel as though I'm a child, a child who does not know which toy to choose.
No. 2 dilemma
What do I actually want from my friendships?
I've been feeling rather odd lately. It's not really loneliness, actually. It's just odd. I have many people around me. I have many friends, so people say. Putting it in a very blunt manner (leaving all sense of humility aside), I am the most popular person in my dorm after all. There's always someone to talk to, someone to spend some time with.. yet, why do I feel like I'm always alone?
What am I seeking for? Stability? A nomadic life does not allow that, does it? There are times that I wish I could just find a very small handful of friends who could journey with me in this otherwise very lonely life. People to drink coffee with, to really talk to.. instead of making pointless small talk.
Am I asking too much? My best friend is living his life happily back home. And sometimes I wish he would pay me a little bit more attention. But perhaps, he already is, it's just that I'm asking for a bit too much.
Am I too clingy? Do I demand too much attention?
I used to live for here and now. But now, I really am not sure how I'm actually living my life. In a daze? I really think I'm actually sleepwalking through life.
No. 3 dilemma
Why do I care so much for matters that don't really matter?
Living in a dorm, living in a community, there are certain contributions that need to be made. On the other hand, doing too much isn't exactly the way of contributing, is it? Sometimes I wonder why I do care so much for this temporary home, to the point that others either think I'm benefiting from the fund-raising projects that I do, or think I'm crazy or stupid for doing so much.
Nevertheless, when it's hot, the natural thing is to get electric fans. If the dorm has no funds, raise funds, right? When we need to play sports, and a facility is already available but requires repair, repair it, right? When there's no one to initiate it, and you know you have the means to do so, go ahead, right?
I don't ask for appreciation, nor do I benefit much from what I do.. except the satisfaction of achieving the almost impossible. Why do I just feel that I'm not doing it right? Is it due to the fact, that I'm being so weighed down by the exhaustion and stress of handling these projects? If I can't do it anymore, I should stop. But why do I continue? Why do I care so much when others don't? Why don't I just love myself more, and let this mad obsession of doing things for others stop, for just a little while?
Do I live to please others, to make them a little bit happier, and their lives a little bit easier? I guess the right question is, can I live like that? And if I can't, why can't I stop?
----
I'm tired, I am.
I guess a good Christmas holiday will cheer me up and do me good. At least I'll be home for Christmas.
But there are a few things on my mind now, things that require decisions. Decisions that I'm not sure how to make.
No. 1 dilemma
Should I go home after my studies?
Well, I've always wanted to live abroad and I am now living in another country. I miss home, always, but I'm not exactly deprived, or depressed, or having a miserable time. I like living amidst people from 20 other countries, I enjoy studying despite the heavy workload too. I guess it's just the idea of not knowing where I truly belong.
When I asked my best friend what he thinks about me going home, he asked me if I loved being here so much so that I do not want to go home. Well, it's not here I want to stay forever.. but I did have plans to work and stay in a few other countries before going home eventually.
Now, though, I'm wondering if my dreams are actually realistic and the right thing to do.
My dream, is to help. To empower people and to speak up and stand up for those who are not able to do so. Simple it is and I should be able to do that from anywhere in the world, right? So, why not home? Mom's at home. She's getting old, and shouldn't a child be there for an aging parent? Or, should I pursue my dreams and at the same time while trying to work out something, something such as relocating mom and even Jane?
Is home really home? They say that 'home is where the heart belongs'. Where does my heart belong? My ancestors left China a long time ago to where they felt the pastures were greener. Should I do the same? Or should I, as a future social worker, head to where the pastures are most dried up, and start from there? Or, should I go home, find withered pastures and work them to make them greener?
As a Christian, I do believe that God should be the one guiding me wherever I go and in everything that I do. Yet, what is it that I should do? Where should I go?
I have less than 1.5 years before I graduate. I need to decide at least a year before that, right? I'm not getting any younger, but these doubts of my future are making me feel as though I'm a child, a child who does not know which toy to choose.
No. 2 dilemma
What do I actually want from my friendships?
I've been feeling rather odd lately. It's not really loneliness, actually. It's just odd. I have many people around me. I have many friends, so people say. Putting it in a very blunt manner (leaving all sense of humility aside), I am the most popular person in my dorm after all. There's always someone to talk to, someone to spend some time with.. yet, why do I feel like I'm always alone?
What am I seeking for? Stability? A nomadic life does not allow that, does it? There are times that I wish I could just find a very small handful of friends who could journey with me in this otherwise very lonely life. People to drink coffee with, to really talk to.. instead of making pointless small talk.
Am I asking too much? My best friend is living his life happily back home. And sometimes I wish he would pay me a little bit more attention. But perhaps, he already is, it's just that I'm asking for a bit too much.
Am I too clingy? Do I demand too much attention?
I used to live for here and now. But now, I really am not sure how I'm actually living my life. In a daze? I really think I'm actually sleepwalking through life.
No. 3 dilemma
Why do I care so much for matters that don't really matter?
Living in a dorm, living in a community, there are certain contributions that need to be made. On the other hand, doing too much isn't exactly the way of contributing, is it? Sometimes I wonder why I do care so much for this temporary home, to the point that others either think I'm benefiting from the fund-raising projects that I do, or think I'm crazy or stupid for doing so much.
Nevertheless, when it's hot, the natural thing is to get electric fans. If the dorm has no funds, raise funds, right? When we need to play sports, and a facility is already available but requires repair, repair it, right? When there's no one to initiate it, and you know you have the means to do so, go ahead, right?
I don't ask for appreciation, nor do I benefit much from what I do.. except the satisfaction of achieving the almost impossible. Why do I just feel that I'm not doing it right? Is it due to the fact, that I'm being so weighed down by the exhaustion and stress of handling these projects? If I can't do it anymore, I should stop. But why do I continue? Why do I care so much when others don't? Why don't I just love myself more, and let this mad obsession of doing things for others stop, for just a little while?
Do I live to please others, to make them a little bit happier, and their lives a little bit easier? I guess the right question is, can I live like that? And if I can't, why can't I stop?
----
I'm tired, I am.
I guess a good Christmas holiday will cheer me up and do me good. At least I'll be home for Christmas.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Standing on the outside, once more, looking in.
Standing amidst the crowd with a big huge grin, but with a heart so heavy.
I need to realize, and to understand that this is life and it will be painful. It will be difficult and it will be challenging. I can't keep on expecting to smile every day. I need to be realistic and to buck up, otherwise, I'll be left behind, again.
But it just gets so lonely.
Standing amidst the crowd with a big huge grin, but with a heart so heavy.
I need to realize, and to understand that this is life and it will be painful. It will be difficult and it will be challenging. I can't keep on expecting to smile every day. I need to be realistic and to buck up, otherwise, I'll be left behind, again.
But it just gets so lonely.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Use and trash.
They say it's bad, but just use and trash.
Guard your heart, so use and trash.
It's very easy to use and trash.
Not ideal, no future.. worry not, just use and trash.
Expectations, disappointments. Broken promises, ruined dreams.. Matter not, use and trash.
Flirt. Have fun. That's use and trash.
They leave anyway, they always do. But it's harmless if you use and trash.
The righteous, the players; the sinners, the saints. Whoever they are, they use and trash.
Who's evil? Who's playing? What's wrong? To use and trash?
Before they use, before they trash. YOU use, you use and trash.
I'm used, I am. I'm used AND trashed.
So forgive me, if you think I'm bad but now, I'll just use and trash.
Guard your heart, so use and trash.
It's very easy to use and trash.
Not ideal, no future.. worry not, just use and trash.
Expectations, disappointments. Broken promises, ruined dreams.. Matter not, use and trash.
Flirt. Have fun. That's use and trash.
They leave anyway, they always do. But it's harmless if you use and trash.
The righteous, the players; the sinners, the saints. Whoever they are, they use and trash.
Who's evil? Who's playing? What's wrong? To use and trash?
Before they use, before they trash. YOU use, you use and trash.
I'm used, I am. I'm used AND trashed.
So forgive me, if you think I'm bad but now, I'll just use and trash.
Ramblings of a nut gone nuts.
I... need a bloody break. It's true, I'm not working as hard as I should. My heart is not here, my heart is everywhere. I'm letting it be trampled on, kicked around, thrown from base to base like a freaking baseball! My guard is down, my head is spinning, my body weak. I am making a fool of myself and my control.. wait, what control?
Why? I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of everything in my life. There are times that I'm just OFF and this is the time. I don't want to bounce back, I don't care about my acads and my future dreams, goals.. future WHATEVER- all a mess. My vision is blurred, my focus totally out.
I am alive but a dead, living among the living. I smile, I make polite conversations, I watch drama series, attend the classes that I can bring myself to- I'm there but my presence is absent.
All I need is a break. I think my body's causing my mind and soul to not function anymore. Am I allowed the privilege of a break? Am I?
How much more should I push myself? For how long? How do you measure your human capacities when you know not anything but desiring a break like a lost soul in the desert longing to quench his thirst?
I want to run away. For a little bit. Run home. Yes, HOME. I've been having constant homesickness for 3 months now. How long more? 3?
What should I do? The WISE decision or the BEST? The one the world approves of or the one that gives me rest?
What do YOU want me to do? Tell me, give me a big big sign. Let the heavens break open, pour down your wisdom upon me. I am but a lost, undeserving soul.. but I am the willing instrument, the potential tool, the daughter who needs your guidance. Use me but please repair me. I am damaged, spoiled, ruined.. I am feeling lethargic, exhausted, drained.
I am so going to crash against the wall. Lord, give me brakes and a long, long break. Please... I implore thee.
Why? I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of everything in my life. There are times that I'm just OFF and this is the time. I don't want to bounce back, I don't care about my acads and my future dreams, goals.. future WHATEVER- all a mess. My vision is blurred, my focus totally out.
I am alive but a dead, living among the living. I smile, I make polite conversations, I watch drama series, attend the classes that I can bring myself to- I'm there but my presence is absent.
All I need is a break. I think my body's causing my mind and soul to not function anymore. Am I allowed the privilege of a break? Am I?
How much more should I push myself? For how long? How do you measure your human capacities when you know not anything but desiring a break like a lost soul in the desert longing to quench his thirst?
I want to run away. For a little bit. Run home. Yes, HOME. I've been having constant homesickness for 3 months now. How long more? 3?
What should I do? The WISE decision or the BEST? The one the world approves of or the one that gives me rest?
What do YOU want me to do? Tell me, give me a big big sign. Let the heavens break open, pour down your wisdom upon me. I am but a lost, undeserving soul.. but I am the willing instrument, the potential tool, the daughter who needs your guidance. Use me but please repair me. I am damaged, spoiled, ruined.. I am feeling lethargic, exhausted, drained.
I am so going to crash against the wall. Lord, give me brakes and a long, long break. Please... I implore thee.
Saturday, August 07, 2010
Move on, let go!
The whole world is trying to tell me to move on, that it will be alright. It shows from the music I happen to listen to, to the book I'm reading, from the lips of those around me.
I hold the hand of this very wonderful man. Despite being heavily intoxicated, he drags himself out just to be by my side. I let my pasts flow by and my undetermined future slip away from my mind. Today is where I belong. And yes, I should plan my week ahead.. but it's entirely alright to let my future remain in my tomorrows. They haven't arrived yet.
If the world is conspiring to bring me forward, I shouldn't be selfish to hold myself back.
I hold the hand of this very wonderful man. Despite being heavily intoxicated, he drags himself out just to be by my side. I let my pasts flow by and my undetermined future slip away from my mind. Today is where I belong. And yes, I should plan my week ahead.. but it's entirely alright to let my future remain in my tomorrows. They haven't arrived yet.
If the world is conspiring to bring me forward, I shouldn't be selfish to hold myself back.
inspired by Zahir.
My past remains my past, a fraction of my life's very untangled web.. but so often have these little fractions determine the routes for my journey. And so often have I stumbled and bruised myself, due to these fractions which seem more like mean frictions. And so often have I cried, and so often have I wished for my tears to be wiped away.
But for today, I feel illuminated, by the fact that I'm alive. I feel empowered and strong, yet confused and a little cold. My mind is tensed, I'm nervous for the unexpected and unanticipated. I want to think that my life will go according to my diary planner, but I know better. I know it won't.
But for today, I feel illuminated, by the fact that I'm alive. I feel empowered and strong, yet confused and a little cold. My mind is tensed, I'm nervous for the unexpected and unanticipated. I want to think that my life will go according to my diary planner, but I know better. I know it won't.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I am a citizen of the world, but...
I miss home.
I miss home terribly.
I miss home so bad it hurts.
I miss everything, anything, something about home.
I miss mommy. I miss Jane. I miss Poopie. I miss Pam. I miss Ah che. I miss Ertie. I miss Livia. I miss Eze. I miss all my cousins and uncles and aunties.
I miss Glo. I miss Nic. I miss Syl. I miss Augie.
I miss Ralph. I miss Rick. I miss Meh.
I miss Pin. I miss Jiah Ling. I miss Rick. I miss Just. I miss Kiwi. I miss CJ. I miss Sharon. I miss Zhen. I miss Sze2. I miss Wani. I miss Sun. I miss DaXing. I miss Fiona. I miss Kelvin papa.
To cut the very long story short. I miss people from home.
And I miss so much I'm going nuts. December is still 5 months away. How?
I miss home terribly.
I miss home so bad it hurts.
I miss everything, anything, something about home.
I miss mommy. I miss Jane. I miss Poopie. I miss Pam. I miss Ah che. I miss Ertie. I miss Livia. I miss Eze. I miss all my cousins and uncles and aunties.
I miss Glo. I miss Nic. I miss Syl. I miss Augie.
I miss Ralph. I miss Rick. I miss Meh.
I miss Pin. I miss Jiah Ling. I miss Rick. I miss Just. I miss Kiwi. I miss CJ. I miss Sharon. I miss Zhen. I miss Sze2. I miss Wani. I miss Sun. I miss DaXing. I miss Fiona. I miss Kelvin papa.
To cut the very long story short. I miss people from home.
And I miss so much I'm going nuts. December is still 5 months away. How?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Stop running, Vicky. Please for once, stay for the end of this story.
But I so want to run. I've been running for a long time now.
I do understand that life is harsh. I do know that I can't always pick up my things and run. I do know that I should accept reality for what it is and face it although it may not be the way I want it to be.
I can accept reality for what it is, I'm not stupid, but I may not always want to show others how much it hurts me.
So I'll run once more.
Help me to be alright but please don't stop me from running. Just one more time?
But I so want to run. I've been running for a long time now.
I do understand that life is harsh. I do know that I can't always pick up my things and run. I do know that I should accept reality for what it is and face it although it may not be the way I want it to be.
I can accept reality for what it is, I'm not stupid, but I may not always want to show others how much it hurts me.
So I'll run once more.
Help me to be alright but please don't stop me from running. Just one more time?
I want to be less emo...
I know that it has never really been a HUGE problem for me that I'm so emo, but I guess of late, it's starting to take a toll on my relationships that I have. People just don't get me, and I don't expect them to, it's not easy to get someone who is so different inside and out.
I want to smile and pretend that I'm alright but I'm not. I'm emo.
And I want to be who I am, I want to stop pretending, but I'm just not that good an actress.
Being emo hasn't been totally bad for my life. I feel more, I'm more passionate, more in tune with nature and with life. I strive hard for relationships that I want to keep. I wake up knowing that God has been good to me, and therefore I should be good to the world too. But people just don't get it.
And I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining, tired of proving that I am not crazy. I'm tired of feeling all the unnecessary tiredness and I'm tired of playing pretend.
I am emo.
Call me crazy but I am, and it's not my problem, it's yours.
I want to smile and pretend that I'm alright but I'm not. I'm emo.
And I want to be who I am, I want to stop pretending, but I'm just not that good an actress.
Being emo hasn't been totally bad for my life. I feel more, I'm more passionate, more in tune with nature and with life. I strive hard for relationships that I want to keep. I wake up knowing that God has been good to me, and therefore I should be good to the world too. But people just don't get it.
And I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining, tired of proving that I am not crazy. I'm tired of feeling all the unnecessary tiredness and I'm tired of playing pretend.
I am emo.
Call me crazy but I am, and it's not my problem, it's yours.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
May 11, 2010
It's alright to be alone now.
It's alright to walk alone, eat alone, amuse myself with my own thoughts.
But there are just moments that I still want to cry.
I want to look back at my past and wonder why things couldn't have turned out differently.
Don't get me wrong, I know all the answers perfectly well.
I am just hoping for the impossible, for the otherwise.
And today I realized, although I'm wishing and hoping that you would love me or
at least like me, I can't help but fear if you just might.
Whether or not you do, the ending won't be happy and I'll still end up in tears.
I want to listen to Charles.
I want to control my mind but your smile weakens my capacity and capability of keeping myself sane, or right.
Your jokes make me laugh, but it bites into my soul when I consider the possibilities or impossibilities. I can't help but bitterly wonder, why bother laughing so much now, knowing I'll just cry more very soon?
I just wish upon the absent wishing star that this would go away. This dream, illusion, insanity, suffocation, madness, childishness. This infatuation.
Release me, now. But you can't? I want so much to break up with you, but I can't.
You just don't ask to leave when you were never asked to stay.
It's alright to walk alone, eat alone, amuse myself with my own thoughts.
But there are just moments that I still want to cry.
I want to look back at my past and wonder why things couldn't have turned out differently.
Don't get me wrong, I know all the answers perfectly well.
I am just hoping for the impossible, for the otherwise.
And today I realized, although I'm wishing and hoping that you would love me or
at least like me, I can't help but fear if you just might.
Whether or not you do, the ending won't be happy and I'll still end up in tears.
I want to listen to Charles.
I want to control my mind but your smile weakens my capacity and capability of keeping myself sane, or right.
Your jokes make me laugh, but it bites into my soul when I consider the possibilities or impossibilities. I can't help but bitterly wonder, why bother laughing so much now, knowing I'll just cry more very soon?
I just wish upon the absent wishing star that this would go away. This dream, illusion, insanity, suffocation, madness, childishness. This infatuation.
Release me, now. But you can't? I want so much to break up with you, but I can't.
You just don't ask to leave when you were never asked to stay.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
It's January 27.
It's not that I've been busy. I've been VERY free. I've just been... away from my thoughts. It's another new year. 2010. The shorter version of that being a bit awkward to write - 10'. Already I'm missing the years before.
Updates? Well, of late, I've been bumming at home, watching CSI (all of them, I love all of them), The Nanny, ER, occasionally House.. Korean drama series, whatever cooking show's good.. I've been very much resting. And now I'm restless.
3 more weeks plus and I'll be back. I'm going home. Home away from home. But I'm going to miss the people here too. Especially the babies.
Updates? Well, of late, I've been bumming at home, watching CSI (all of them, I love all of them), The Nanny, ER, occasionally House.. Korean drama series, whatever cooking show's good.. I've been very much resting. And now I'm restless.
3 more weeks plus and I'll be back. I'm going home. Home away from home. But I'm going to miss the people here too. Especially the babies.
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