Dearest Mr Honig
For a long time, I've been searching for a song that describes us and the way I feel after I left the Philippines. I think I've found it. Here's another song to remember you by..

Owl City
Vanilla Twilight lyrics

The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake and miss you.
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,
But I'll miss your arms around me.
I'd send a postcard to you dear,
'Cause I wish you were here.

I watch the night turn light blue.
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.

I'll find repose in new ways,
Though I haven't slept in two days,
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
But drenched in Vanilla twilight,
I'll sit on the front porch all night,
Waist deep in thought because when I think of you.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.

As many times as I blink I'll think of you... tonight.
I'll think of you tonight.

When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.

**

I wish for another day, or even another hour. But what has passed remains the past. I miss you so much.

With much love,
Your Jenny

I'm letting go~

Goodbye E. Time to let go again. Time to move on. For real, this time. No more games.

I'm going to sleep now, so I can continue talking to you in my dreams.

I'm home. But I'm feeling homesick, for my other home. It's so difficult to get by these sad and lonely nights, reminiscing the good old times in IC.. thinking what it would be like if I were still there.

I talked to Thilo just now, and somehow I wanted to cry so badly after I hung up. I miss him so much. Knowing that even if I go back, and I won't find him there, it just feels so wrong.

I cooked a dish for dinner just now, and when I smelt my hands that were stinking of onions, I couldn't help but wish he was here next to me.

Ya sure the world is not all that big, and that I could always resort to mental telepathy to talk to him, but it would be so much better if time could have stopped, and we could have both been in IC still, talking like there was no tomorrow.

Thilo Honig, you're truly missed...

Restless.

It's that little gap of time in between the afternoon at the nights that drives me insane. And you're not around to brush away this restless feeling anymore. I miss you, much. And I don't even have a way to contact you. It's as though life is telling me to let you go, to forget you and move on. I was ready to do that, but you promised otherwise. Should I remain patient?

E turns 33... ^^

For October 15, 2009

No matter how much I want to think that the feelings I have for you has lessened, I am but a fool to deny my true desire. The more it seems like goodbye, the more annoyed I get at myself for not letting you go, the more impossible the realities seem, the more I fall in love with you. It is not the challenge I seek, nor am I romanticizing a long distance relationship. It is who you are that makes me want you more. I don't need you, no I don't, but I want you. And wanting you keeps me alive, keeps me at the edge of my seat. Our relationship has evolved into something neither of us can define, but still, you have my heart skipping.

Quoting your favorite song, a melody that leaves a memory, I dedicate these words back to you.

'I wanna change the world, Only for you, All the impossible, I wanna do. I wanna hold you close, Under the rain, I wanna kiss your smile, And feel the pain. I know what's beautiful, Looking at you. In a world of lies, You are the truth. In a world without you, I would always hunger, All I need is your love to make me stronger...'

Singing this song reminds me why my heart belongs to you. You may be far away, but I'll always be right beside you. You are the picture of perfection; attainable, sustainable perfection. Having you in my life lights up not just my face as I smile, but it lights up my heart and my soul too. I love you, E.

Happy 33rd Birthday, Secretary General ^^

H.O.N.E.Y

Thank you for being the best thing that happened to me this semester. Without you, I wouldn't even imagine how things would have been. It is true that our friendship is somewhat different from the expected norm, yet I find no need to redefine or restructure what we have, and what we mean to each other. You are truly important, and I wouldn't even want to grade how important you are, or compare you against the rest of those who are important as well. What I know is that the moments we shared are truly special, and I would cherish the bits and snippets of those special times for a long, long time. I even miss fighting and arguing with you, I miss our walks around the IC parking lot, watching Desperate Housewives together, snacking in your room, our dinners, looking at you chop onions, listening to your corny and cheesy jokes..

You gave me a wonderful part of your life, and though we didn't meet under the best circumstances, I guess we both did make the best of it and found the best in each other. You made me happy, and although I never expected you of anything, you never disappointed me anyway.

I don't even know when I'll see you again, but you promised me that we will, and I should at least trust you enough to wait for that. As much as you tell me that I've made your life colorful, I feel the same.

Thank you for being such a sweet and best buddy to me. I miss you so much already.

I will go back, I will go back one day soon.

I am not one to lie, and I have tried to live my life as honest as I can be, but of late, I've been lying so much without anyone knowing, well.. perhaps Joy knew a bit for occasionally, I would not be able to resist telling her what I really feel, and then the truth would be known.

But I have been trying to put up a front, to pretend that going home is not all that bad, to pretend that I am as cool as a cucumber. I made my farewells so informal, so calm, so fake.

This goodbye is the worst goodbye I've had to make but with all the uncertainties of tomorrow, I am even clueless on how I should react. Thus, I tried to make it as emotionless as I could.

And why would be going home be all that bad anyway? It is home, isn't it where I truly belong? But I felt so much the opposite. In KL's airport, at Kuching's airport.. and when I finally reached home.. it seemed as though I am a missing puzzle piece trying to fit into the last slot but unable to fit in no matter how hard one tries to place it.

I have no Joy here, and literally no joy at all. No one needs me here, but I need them so much. And I can't let anyone know how difficult it is for me, I never show them the real side of me.. they never see my tears. I wipe them away before they drop to the ground.

And I know, when I left IC, I left it for good. I mean, don't get me wrong, I might still come back, but I would come back to a different IC, one without some people but with some others. It will never be the same, never. It always changes, and it will change.

And I cry for the old IC I knew, the recent IC I still know.. I cry for the memories that seem so sweet yet one that makes me weep so bitterly. I cry for mythe todays that seem so mundane, the tomorrows that I know not what will happen. I cry while missing all my friends who seem more like family to me, for family who seem stranger than friends. I cry in longing to belong somewhere for more than just awhile, and for wanting to leave a place that they say I belong to.
And I cry, not knowing what I'm really crying for, just knowing that I can't stop the tears from flowing down my soaked cheeks.

If only I could have one more month, Charles once told me. But I know when time comes for one to leave that certain IC, it's just as predestined as when their vehicle arrives to the front of IC. It's all set, things are somehow planned for.. and our paths are somehow meant to meet, and to depart.

I love you all so much, my IC family...

I'm accepting defeat. I'm going back with my head bowed low, never more ashamed before. My dreams I'm surrendering to reality, harsh it is. I'm tired, I can't fight the challenge anymore. And what scares me more is that I don't even care. It's almost been a year since I've been in constant pain. Every electrifying, shocking pain just rips another piece of enthusiasm away from me. I've lost my charisma. I'm becoming someone even the dogs don't like. I may sound witty but my soul is bitter. My pain has eaten into my soul and there is nothing I can do anymore, but to accept defeat, and to go home...

I've never felt more pain, more discomfort and more challenges than being right here right now, and I still don't understand why despite all that, I refuse to go home to a safer haven. Perhaps I really am insane.