3 months later....

Am I okay? Am I really? I'm not okay, I'm not, I'm not. I'm jealous, I'm sad.. I feel left out, I want to go home. But I can't and I shouldn't and I should always bear with the consequences of my actions and decisions!!! So stop crying, bitch.

On the other hand...
Am I falling too? Am I? But he's such a good buddy. Such a wonderful person to have around. But imagine this.. a guy whom you sort of live with, does your laundry with you (as in he carries it and walks me there and collects them with or for me too), does grocery shopping and household items shopping, eats dinners and lunches and snacks and buys you food, and buys you cream to apply on your wound, watches his first ever movie with you in a foreign city he has been there for 3 months but not watched any movies, goes drinking with you, jumps on your every wimp, apologizes over and over again when he unintentionally ditches you, listens to you blab about every single bad thing in your life, lets you cry in front of him and tells you that everything will be alright coz he's there.. and the whole freaking list goes on and on and on. But I don't think I will like him.. there are elements in his life I just can't accept or tolerate. He's so bloody patriarchal.

To think, after such a long time of not blogging, this blog would actually be about him.

He means so, so much to me. Without him by my side, I feel so lost. And he feels the same too. I don't think we're in love, I think we're .. I don't know unintentionally committed and growing off each other? Gee man. I've not felt any of these feelings with anyone else? This is so weird-ly different. Is it because he's from a different culture, different upbringing? The things he tells me, they make me want to cry so bad.. Not of sadness, but of pure joy. I'm so happy with him. Just as friends. I don't want to ruin it. But I fear so, so much that I will. Sigh..

People kept on teasing us, for months they've been doing so. And I've always been so defensive. Ah, gee. I'm so dumb. I should just let things be.

But, will talking bout this make me more confused?

I miss writing, I'll do so again soon.