Monday, June 29, 2009
What I do today, will be reflected perhaps, tomorrow? However there is just so much that I can do. If I have tried my best today, to make my tomorrow as beautiful as it can be but someone out there comes along and destroy my perfect plan, there's nothing else I can do but practice patience, tolerance and perseverance. (or depend on my spontaneous reactions?)
Nevertheless, I believe that God is good and that if I do my best today, He will be there to help me to make my tomorrow a better day as well.
In You Lord I trust, and for You Lord I offer up all my tomorrows. Help me to be patient and not live my today(s) only for my tomorrows but to savour each moment that I have been blessed with and cherish all that I have been given.
Nevertheless, I believe that God is good and that if I do my best today, He will be there to help me to make my tomorrow a better day as well.
In You Lord I trust, and for You Lord I offer up all my tomorrows. Help me to be patient and not live my today(s) only for my tomorrows but to savour each moment that I have been blessed with and cherish all that I have been given.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I'm not exactly happy today.
Why?
No. 1 My torn contact lens (still in my eye) is bugging me. I really want to take it out, rip it apart and splatter it around but I don't have my eye glasses with me, nor are there any shops opened for me to get a replacement pair. Ergh.
No. 2 I have no idea whether this whole possible relationship thing is going to work out. I know I should be patient and pray more. Sigh, the human in me is restless.
No. 3 I think I ate too much so I'm feeling bloated now. @@
No. 4 I kinda miss the good old days. Oh, who am I kidding? Charles, I miss you!!!! Where in the world are you now? (the answer is Korea, of course.. @@)
No. 5 I feel lazy even thinking about the work load waiting for me back in UP. Though I know I will somehow pull through this difficult situation, I am still doubting my true knowledge of things. Am I really grasping what I need to absorb within this 4 year time frame to be good enough to face the world out there?
Sigh. Whatever la.
Why?
No. 1 My torn contact lens (still in my eye) is bugging me. I really want to take it out, rip it apart and splatter it around but I don't have my eye glasses with me, nor are there any shops opened for me to get a replacement pair. Ergh.
No. 2 I have no idea whether this whole possible relationship thing is going to work out. I know I should be patient and pray more. Sigh, the human in me is restless.
No. 3 I think I ate too much so I'm feeling bloated now. @@
No. 4 I kinda miss the good old days. Oh, who am I kidding? Charles, I miss you!!!! Where in the world are you now? (the answer is Korea, of course.. @@)
No. 5 I feel lazy even thinking about the work load waiting for me back in UP. Though I know I will somehow pull through this difficult situation, I am still doubting my true knowledge of things. Am I really grasping what I need to absorb within this 4 year time frame to be good enough to face the world out there?
Sigh. Whatever la.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Totally unrelated and yet...
Being in Moonwalk these past few days has stirred an old memory that dates back to December 23 last year.
It was a peak season for the Filipinos to end their last minute Christmas and New Year shopping and start to find their way home. I picked Charles up from Mall of Asia and took a bus to Moonwalk, hoping to catch a jeepney back to the IMCS office to meet the rest before heading home. We were scheduled for an office outing and Charles wanted to tag along on his own expense.
Charles and I were both rather enthusiastic as we descended from the bus and walked amidst the thick crowd towards the jeepney area. However, Charles was very amused at the array of people and things for sell at the side walk and small night market area.
When we finally got to the area where catching a jeepney was as easy as counting to 10, we tried to hail passing jeepneys but failed. After many attempts, my patience was starting to wear out and I was started to get a bit tired and annoyed.
Charles asked me if it was normal for such difficulty to occur and I told him (or perhaps snapped at him @@) that it wasn't. After waiting for half an hour, I started to worry a bit. We tried to get a tricycle but couldn't find any as well. Charles started to suggest stupid ideas like hailing private tricycles or jeepneys to beg them or charter them to bring us to the office. Occasionally I ignored him but honestly, I was beginning to worry to the extend of thinking that some of his ideas were pretty good.
And when all efforts were failing and all hope was almost gone, a ordinary bus (those without air con) came by. We stopped the bus and got in. It was already rather packed when we got in but after making a few more stops, the bus was horribly packed with Filipinos of all sexes (male, female, bakla, whatever, you name it..) and demographics (okay, perhaps no rich ones but definitely of all aged groups!!!) Some were carrying life chickens or roosters and their grocery bags.. well, almost everyone had something in hand (Christmas shopping, perhaps???) It somewhat reminded me of a refugee bus. I felt like a refugee on an escape route to .. paradise?
We were of course the odd ones out. People were giving us weird stares and when it was time for us to get off the bus, I had to fall over a few grocery bags and apologize endlessly to the staring crowd.
Charles told me it was a fun experience. I rolled my eyes.
Half a year later, I look back at this experience and smile. He was right. It was fun (albeit being a bit scary @@)..
I miss hanging out with you, Charles. I do.
It was a peak season for the Filipinos to end their last minute Christmas and New Year shopping and start to find their way home. I picked Charles up from Mall of Asia and took a bus to Moonwalk, hoping to catch a jeepney back to the IMCS office to meet the rest before heading home. We were scheduled for an office outing and Charles wanted to tag along on his own expense.
Charles and I were both rather enthusiastic as we descended from the bus and walked amidst the thick crowd towards the jeepney area. However, Charles was very amused at the array of people and things for sell at the side walk and small night market area.
When we finally got to the area where catching a jeepney was as easy as counting to 10, we tried to hail passing jeepneys but failed. After many attempts, my patience was starting to wear out and I was started to get a bit tired and annoyed.
Charles asked me if it was normal for such difficulty to occur and I told him (or perhaps snapped at him @@) that it wasn't. After waiting for half an hour, I started to worry a bit. We tried to get a tricycle but couldn't find any as well. Charles started to suggest stupid ideas like hailing private tricycles or jeepneys to beg them or charter them to bring us to the office. Occasionally I ignored him but honestly, I was beginning to worry to the extend of thinking that some of his ideas were pretty good.
And when all efforts were failing and all hope was almost gone, a ordinary bus (those without air con) came by. We stopped the bus and got in. It was already rather packed when we got in but after making a few more stops, the bus was horribly packed with Filipinos of all sexes (male, female, bakla, whatever, you name it..) and demographics (okay, perhaps no rich ones but definitely of all aged groups!!!) Some were carrying life chickens or roosters and their grocery bags.. well, almost everyone had something in hand (Christmas shopping, perhaps???) It somewhat reminded me of a refugee bus. I felt like a refugee on an escape route to .. paradise?
We were of course the odd ones out. People were giving us weird stares and when it was time for us to get off the bus, I had to fall over a few grocery bags and apologize endlessly to the staring crowd.
Charles told me it was a fun experience. I rolled my eyes.
Half a year later, I look back at this experience and smile. He was right. It was fun (albeit being a bit scary @@)..
I miss hanging out with you, Charles. I do.
Friday, June 26, 2009
My back condition is serious. I am sorry to only write about this now.
I am diagnosed with 2 degenerated disc for both L3/L4 and L4/L5. On top of that, my L4/L5 disc is protruding into the nerve root - disc herniation, it's medically known.
That is the reason why I have been in pain since last October. That is also why I have been suffering back problems for the past 10 years. Occasionally I was in pain, and thinking that it was normal was wrong. I know now. You do not endure mysterious pain. There is no real mystery to pain. There is always a problem.
I've been in YCS for .. 15 years? To think that I still did not grasp the concept of Judge. I was still oblivious of going for the root cause. I was just Seeing my problem, and Acting on it. I did not Judge well.
I can think of myself as a huge failure but there's no need to go all self accusing. I should just start thinking what I should do.
I'm afraid. I've never been in so much trouble with my health before. I've always been rather 'fit'. I've never had to be on medication to stop my pain. I'm dependent on drugs now. Gee, I sound like a junkie. But I am, until I get my discs functioning again.
My ortho docs are really working hard on my case. They can't over treat me, nor under treat me. Both would cause significant damage to my situation, both physically and financially.
I am suggested total disc replacement. Yet this is to be confirmed after another round of 'discogram' - an injection test at my lumbar spinal area to test which disc is suffering from which pain to determine the functioning/ mal-functioning of my discs and the reaction it produces, making sure that it's in line with the pain I feel everyday.
A TDR costs RM 8-10k. Seriously. To which direction am I going to seek these funds from? Should I look heavenward and beg for money now? Should I pray for a miracle so no operation needs to be done? Or should I be more practical and use my brain.
I am not giving up. I have faith that I will be well again. I will be able to walk, run, jump and even wear high heels! I will be fine, one fine day.
I believe in miracles. I believe that God will not leave me astray. Through whatever means it may be, I will be healed. Somehow.
p.s. It's very difficult for me to talk about this. It is. Accepting this physical flaw has been a tremendous challenge. Yet, I need to accept it in order for me to treat it. Sigh~
Burying dead relationships
I buried 5 dead relationships of my past when I went home for summer.
Imagine that, 5. It wasn't easy.. and the ones in Kuching were more successfully buried than those in KL. I really traumatized poor souls out there. I've been a fool, I've been so crazy with my actions that I ended up hurting people more than I wanted to.
I need to be a bit more careful. I need to be a bit more focused. My life goals are slightly different from others. If they can't accompany me till the end, no matter how lonely the roads get, I need to travel alone. I won't be too lonely though, God always sends His angels to accompany me. Angels like Joy and Ava, temporary ones like Charles and Bon. I'm lucky. I should count my lucky stars and stop digging up things to complain about.
I always fall into the trap of diving head over heels in love with the wrong person. Again and again, I have. I need to be more cautious with my heart. I can't patch it up so often. The more it breaks, the more fragile it becomes. And, honestly, it's really breakable nowadays.
It's time for me to move on from my past. When I came to Phily last year, I was full of my past, full of regrets and past burdens. I've burnt all my bridges now. I've tried my best to let go. I've removed myself from old flames and old relationships. It's time to move on from my past now. Seriously.
I need to be a bit more careful. I need to be a bit more focused. My life goals are slightly different from others. If they can't accompany me till the end, no matter how lonely the roads get, I need to travel alone. I won't be too lonely though, God always sends His angels to accompany me. Angels like Joy and Ava, temporary ones like Charles and Bon. I'm lucky. I should count my lucky stars and stop digging up things to complain about.
I always fall into the trap of diving head over heels in love with the wrong person. Again and again, I have. I need to be more cautious with my heart. I can't patch it up so often. The more it breaks, the more fragile it becomes. And, honestly, it's really breakable nowadays.
It's time for me to move on from my past. When I came to Phily last year, I was full of my past, full of regrets and past burdens. I've burnt all my bridges now. I've tried my best to let go. I've removed myself from old flames and old relationships. It's time to move on from my past now. Seriously.
Oh I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't, I never should. I have Joy, I have Ava.. and I have a few others in IC who still love me. Okay, not a few others.. many others.
So yah, about 30 or more of my friends left. Okay, more than 30.. what's the BIG DEAL? I can handle goodbyes and the after days, can't I? Am I not tough?
Honestly, I'm not.
So yah, about 30 or more of my friends left. Okay, more than 30.. what's the BIG DEAL? I can handle goodbyes and the after days, can't I? Am I not tough?
Honestly, I'm not.
Musings since my return~
I left Malaysia and arrived in Philippines on June 21. Being back felt so good, so refreshing, so energizing. Yet, somehow, I felt somewhat perplexed? Or should I say my heart has been feeling restless. I received comments about me being quiet. Haha, yeah right.. Vicky and Quiet just don't match. They never did, and they never will. *pause. But am I quieter now? *reflects.
I think I am.
I feel lost. I've been fighting many obstacles and objections about not returning. I have. I guess I have been fighting so much that being back is a challenge, an obstacle. A pressure? I need to do well. I need to rescore straight As. I need to learn, I need to get myself educated. I need to do in within the allowed time frame, I need to work hard on the sides, I need to be better than before.. A million, or millions of 'I need to..'. Is this what I want to? Is this? The resounding answer of 'Yes it is' makes the whole scenario even more pressurizing than I can endure. This is what I want, this is what I've decided on, this is my life. This is what I will do.
Am I quiet because I'm tired? Am I tired because my pain is bad or because I'm on medication? Or have I lost that flame, that spirit?
I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that I miss all the people I shouldn't miss. We move on, Vicky. You should too!!!
I think I am.
I feel lost. I've been fighting many obstacles and objections about not returning. I have. I guess I have been fighting so much that being back is a challenge, an obstacle. A pressure? I need to do well. I need to rescore straight As. I need to learn, I need to get myself educated. I need to do in within the allowed time frame, I need to work hard on the sides, I need to be better than before.. A million, or millions of 'I need to..'. Is this what I want to? Is this? The resounding answer of 'Yes it is' makes the whole scenario even more pressurizing than I can endure. This is what I want, this is what I've decided on, this is my life. This is what I will do.
Am I quiet because I'm tired? Am I tired because my pain is bad or because I'm on medication? Or have I lost that flame, that spirit?
I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that I miss all the people I shouldn't miss. We move on, Vicky. You should too!!!
Am I in love with someone I should not be? Can I withstand the pressure? Can I withstand the distance? Can I withstand the .. temptation?
Hah. I'm crazy. Am I actually in the state that I think I am? Am I dreaming of the impossibilities again? Am I alone in this sandcastle dream?
Reality check, Vicky. It's time to grow up! You're not THAT young anymore. Stop dreaming, start working!!!
Hah. I'm crazy. Am I actually in the state that I think I am? Am I dreaming of the impossibilities again? Am I alone in this sandcastle dream?
Reality check, Vicky. It's time to grow up! You're not THAT young anymore. Stop dreaming, start working!!!
Quarantine.
Oh my goodness, oh why? I am not sick. I am as fit as a fiddle. Well, my back injury's internal and not air borne, so I am actually fit! Let me go for my classes, oh please..
I have been running around campus and beyond for 3 whole days, I even paid for my fees, attended 4 classes.. and finally when I attempted to attend my 5th class, my professor sent me home.
'You're a health hazard. You're a potential carrier of Influenza A (H1N1).' Gee. The only thing that links me with swine flu is that I am missing lechon and cooked pork does not transmit the disease if it's well done!
I am not sick!! I'm not! Let me attend my classes! My prof alerted my department chair, and she sent me home too. So I sneaked to the shopping center in UP and got online. After complaining and grumbling for an hour or less, I went back to my dorm and declared to my dorm manager 'M'm, my prof sent me home. I need to be quarantined for 10 days??!?!?!
Why wasn't I informed? I thought it was a horrible joke!! I feel so alienated!!' And my dorm manager laughed and told me that she forgot that she had to quarantine me.. and she started to wonder how to go about it since I have 2 roommates and it will be so unfair for Joy and Achang (new Japanese girl) if they had to be stuck in the room with me as well. Grounding me in a F wing 1st floor empty room that has no proper ventilation would send me to the sick zone even faster.. AND, if I got sick at the end of the quarantine period, they would quarantine me further! Oh, I feel so violated of my rights~
Yet, for harmony of IC and UP, I decided to leave for Avocado/ Las Pinas where quarantine is not enforced. I packed my things, took a nap while waiting for Joy to return, ate dinner with her, bid farewell to fellow concerned dorm mates, and.. left.
I'm back in Phily, yes I am. Yet what the heck am I doing away from where I'm supposed to be?
For WORLD PEACE perhaps, for the SAFETY and HEALTH WELL BEING of my fellow uni mates, I have to stay away, till Tuesday.
Imagine that, they forgot to quarantine me upon my arrival. I ran around and hugged at least 50 people and met a few hundreds, and nobody's sick! I'm not too!!! But.. I have to be quarantine, 3 days later. Nice.
Welcome back, Vicky, welcome HOME! Gah!!!
I have been running around campus and beyond for 3 whole days, I even paid for my fees, attended 4 classes.. and finally when I attempted to attend my 5th class, my professor sent me home.
'You're a health hazard. You're a potential carrier of Influenza A (H1N1).' Gee. The only thing that links me with swine flu is that I am missing lechon and cooked pork does not transmit the disease if it's well done!
I am not sick!! I'm not! Let me attend my classes! My prof alerted my department chair, and she sent me home too. So I sneaked to the shopping center in UP and got online. After complaining and grumbling for an hour or less, I went back to my dorm and declared to my dorm manager 'M'm, my prof sent me home. I need to be quarantined for 10 days??!?!?!
Why wasn't I informed? I thought it was a horrible joke!! I feel so alienated!!' And my dorm manager laughed and told me that she forgot that she had to quarantine me.. and she started to wonder how to go about it since I have 2 roommates and it will be so unfair for Joy and Achang (new Japanese girl) if they had to be stuck in the room with me as well. Grounding me in a F wing 1st floor empty room that has no proper ventilation would send me to the sick zone even faster.. AND, if I got sick at the end of the quarantine period, they would quarantine me further! Oh, I feel so violated of my rights~
Yet, for harmony of IC and UP, I decided to leave for Avocado/ Las Pinas where quarantine is not enforced. I packed my things, took a nap while waiting for Joy to return, ate dinner with her, bid farewell to fellow concerned dorm mates, and.. left.
I'm back in Phily, yes I am. Yet what the heck am I doing away from where I'm supposed to be?
For WORLD PEACE perhaps, for the SAFETY and HEALTH WELL BEING of my fellow uni mates, I have to stay away, till Tuesday.
Imagine that, they forgot to quarantine me upon my arrival. I ran around and hugged at least 50 people and met a few hundreds, and nobody's sick! I'm not too!!! But.. I have to be quarantine, 3 days later. Nice.
Welcome back, Vicky, welcome HOME! Gah!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)