Life is so damn short. I should stop pretending to care for those that I don't and stop hating those I love.

Can't wait for Saturday to come. Am heading to my colleague's place for a full swing bbq. Full swing = will get to meet everyone's everyone. :)

And come Sunday, will be off to Malacca. Gawd.. I really need this break. This would be the first real break since all the emotional breakdowns. Too bad I can't redeem my 2 days 1 night stay voucher during Raya.. well, I guess I'll just use it next weekend. I just want a rest. I just want to sleep in a nice air con hotel room and let my emotions cool with the air.

Perhaps I'd feel better after all the holidays I'm going to get.

It's just so damn easy to ask me to let go. Try feeling all these emotions and then ask me to let go.

I wish I could write like Just. I know she writes for a living but she just expresses her grief so well.

If only I could curl up in a corner and cry my tomorrows away.

A very nice person passed away a few days ago. We had very good times, and we had bad ones as well. I will accept the punishment to live a life of regret for the after days that were.. not so nice.

I should have trusted more, demanded for an explanation or something.. I should have reached out, reached over and offered a hug, perhaps. But I did not and it's really too late now.

I've watched movies and read stories of all these sad scenes, not knowing that our friendship would end up like this. Despite burying myself in grief, I am also to bear the heartaches of a farewell unsaid, apologies unspoken - so many things undone. Guilt is one so hard to swallow and it blends so painfully with grief.

My tears will never be enough to show you how bad it feels and how sorry I am. After death, everything's just too late. All the unanswered 'WHYs' and 'IF ONLYs'. We could have done so much but we let you go. Oh, fuck the others. I should have stayed but I chose to leave. Backs turned, memories stored.. I let it rot, thinking it had already gone bad. I had forgotten all those good days and that particular time you chose to stay when the others closed me out.

Your heart was not evil but I chose to see it black.

I thought it was too painful to stay with you and watch you live life your way, whatever that may be but leaving has caused more self-inflicted pain on myself.

Why didn't I tell you how much I loved you and stayed back to wait for you while you went for a little spin? You would eventually come back anyway. But I didn't, and it's all too late.

Why doesn't this horrible - farked up year just end?

Why can't my heart stop bleeding and normal tears start pouring?

Why can't everything just be alright again? Is this all part of the growing up shit we have to go through? To hell with growing up then. I hate all these shitty acceptance theories about life and death, about cycles of life and the whole mess.

I just want things to feel right. Is that just too much to ask? 2 deaths in one year's just asking too much. Fuck reality, fuck you who made all these happened.