How do you trust again after trust has been broken?

Situations.

Dec 27, 2005
I had to undergo major heart renovations today. I found out about lies that led to bigger lies that created a pile of shit, evidence displayed in a folder entitled 'b.i.a.t.c.h'. Acted 'Scenario' outside Jalan 7/149J. Dragging and pushing's no fun when heart's breaking. Why lie? Why lie when truth is so much better?
My heart bled as I drove off leaving 'poor me' behind. I've never felt so lost and so uncomfortable. I got pissed again just now. Why? Why does life give you lemons???
Sisters of mine rushed to rescue and repair the damaged heart. Settled for Rocket Mania and Tip Top as bed time 'stories'. Fountains are spraying inside out. Mind's in for a roller coaster ride but heart's not.

Dec 28, 2005
I bolted up from bed with tears streaming down my cheeks. Traumatic images flashing cross my mind, it's the darn folder again.
Needed to run, run somewhere.
Bathed. Got ready.
Flashed off to PJ's SFX. God brought me there for a reason. Fr. Simon's sermon was about victims and us being those victimising. Knowing our faults and forgiveness. The Lord's prayer made me reflect further. So did this.

"Lord please give the the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference".

I settled for a discussion and more evidence search. Sent FBIs out to fetch info and to practice forgiving. Sent out SMSes and messages and tried to sweep shit, shitted by 'poor me'. Well erm.. the story drags on but to cut the long story short, the last joke's on b.i.a.t.c.h. Backs are turned at her, roads seem blocked and dark. Consequences need to be paid for lies, more lies and wrong doings. Oops, so there.

p.s. Final work back home now. College moving out tomorrow...

December 26th - Happy Birthday Justine. Boxing Day.

Had pan mee for breakfast. The wait was long but the food so worth it. Gee. My blog now sounds like a glutton's diary. Well, I am a glutton in a tiny way. Ahem.

Nichii's fashion city was too fantastic as it was the year before. For one, when you have boobs and hips too big to fit into everything, the visit to the 'fashion city' doesn't feel too smashing. Got a top and a skirt for thirty bucks. Darn sizes, and they had the sales thing going on.

Headed home and prepared for dinner. Napped and cooked for Rick and went out with Just. Almost the whole bunch met up. More food at Asia Cafe. Just ordered almost everything yummy. Rejecting's out of the question so more went down to tummy world.

Pool after dinner. Played only to make Just happy.. was a bit funny, the game. Teamwork to get it over and done with. We saw the boys gossiping about us and we gave the game a wonderful ending.

Sleeping time. Was kinda un-amused by some un-wanted and un-needed events. Will write more in future if need be.

December 25th - Christmas Day

Christmas is usually the best time other than Chinese New Year. Lots of reunions, food (hmm.. I'm starting to feel sick thinking of any kind of food....) and presents (or money).

Christmas mass was just the right way to start Christmas day. Went to ertie's and picked her and Ah Wah up. She passed me a Christmas card in the car with something slid in between the little mini card. 'Ta-da'!! 50 bucks!!!! Oooo.. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! :)

Happy, happy we headed to Meaty House in D'sara Utama for Christmas lunch of Lamb Chop, Pork Chop, Baby Ribs and Pork Knuckle.. not forgetting super yummy sausages and.. :) ice wine. Gosh.. I've never felt happier eating. Despite the fact that food made me feel oozy, I ate till my heart was certainly more than contented. Life is beautiful and Christmas without snow could be fantastic as well. The meal was paid either by Wah or ertie. Went to the Curve. Stopped by Ikano for Rhumba at Starbucks. :) Rick found Pepsi cans for herself and Jerome. She said going to church helped. Gee.

Walked around till was a bit too tired to go anywhere - headed home - napped.

More food at Chooi Chin's followed by gambling sessions that I passed.

And I fell asleep on the sofa till it was time to go home!

December 24th - Christmas Eve

It has certainly been a season of food, food and more food. I recall cooking cheese pasta for lunch.

Went for Christmas Eve mass at St. Francis Xavier Church in PJ at 7. The traffic was horrible. Was really annoyed and feeling really un-Christian about the whole scenario. God was at my side, thankfully and I got a parking real quick and ran to church in time for Opening Hymn. It was raining and the crowd packed the church and all extensions built for masses during Christmas. It was wet everywhere and the people outside just didn't sing or respond to anything. However, I felt really happy to be there. Christmas is not Christmas without going for mass, well at least for me this principle rules. Felt more Christmas than I did for days. A truly great feeling indeed.

Went to Rick's kai- ma's and ate lamb. Rick said that lamb reminded her of 'Lamb of God'. Gee. I can't explain the whole 'Lamb of God' thing to her. Too deep even for me. Faith's the most important part, I guess. Also stuffed myself insane with lasagna and cake.

Headed to Oi Mun's after that. Steamboat. Barbecue. Felt slightly ew-ish.. Too much food. Hmm.. Ate a teeny bit but when Ai Vee's cheesecakes were brought out I unleashed the glutton in me. Regret, regret.

Gift exchange wasn't as great as I hoped things would go.. but it was OK. And then there was cleaning up and it was over!

And Christmas day arrived.

December 23rd - Remembering 4 Years.

Today marked the day for four years with a very special person. :)

Went to Mid Valley early in the morning - ate at Manhattan Fish Market (was really yummy till I felt a bit sick of food too good) and took lots of pictures! Mid Valley's decorated at its best during Christmas!

Ertie got a bit sick so picked her up from office and headed to Sunway Medical Centre. Poor her.. down with erm.. some throat disease thingy that gives her rashes, giddiness and all the bad stuff.

Headed to Sunway to see lights! Ate dinner at Dutsi Thai. Buffet steamboat. The tom yam was awesome. More pictures!

Just came over and gave me an ashtray.. and we went out for drinks at Ehsan. Ooo.. and it's already Christmas eve... :)

December 22nd - Tang Yuen Day

I sat around at home for the whole day, well.. almost. Caryn came over and I cooked some stuff. Since she's on a major diet, I ate spaghetti and she ate instant mee. :)

Went to school to in the evening. Went for classes. Was great, took pictures.

Long ago in Kuching, we used to celebrate today - eating round colorful balls and lots of other food. All I recall about the festival today is that they do it every year in December and you eat the balls to grow a year older. I wonder why I'm still into the colorful ball eating routine since I hate growing old. After grandma fell sick and passed on, we stopped all these celebration since our family's Catholic and only dad's side's erm.. whatever they are, practising Chinese??

Went to Rick's. Ate some chicken, yum. And more balls. Double yum. Also drank some yummy soup and had a yumcha session with Zhen.

Tang Yuen's day no longer like the past. But what I do know is that.. I still love tang yuen. :)

December 21st - Justine's Surprise Thingy

Just once told me that she's never actually had a birthday celebration with her friends before. Hearing that, I really felt for her. A friend's birthday should never be taken for lightly especially if you guys are close lar. I once thought birthdays were an annual thing.. until someone passed away. Never really got to celebrate her birthday properly.

I was shopping for food at Carrefour like a housewife on a weekday. Felt kinda awkward but it was fun in a way. Went home and dragged around 6 big bags of stuff up 3 floors. Darn, I hate my place when this happens. Did some preparations and stuff before the rest came to help out. :) Just's birthday sort of surprise thing was simple but still fun. :) The first birthday of someone celebrated at my place. Not too many of us, just the usual crowd - also the remaining ones.

Was a good night. :) Lots of good food, great laughs and pictures!!!

Farewells are tough

Reading Just's blog, I realised that Billy has left. People say he has and I called to say goodbye but it's just not easy to wave your arm to someone you care for, bidding them farewell.

Been saying a lot of goodbyes due to the camp 2 weeks ago. Billy has left for China, for good. He's from China and was one of my college mates. A very respected person, Billy cares for people around him and will do anything he can in his power, to ensure the safety of us. He drinks like a bull, adores having girls swarm around him, talks about pet ghosts, this ghosts and that ghosts and makes people around him happy. Yu Yao, another senior from China will be leaving soon as well.

This year has been a year of goodbyes - be it for good good (deaths) or for good (not a holiday) or goodbyes that are meant to happen (the camp ones).

I've not been crying much about all these goodbyes even though I secretly want to. I guess I'm happy life's still okay and I'm still happy and that nothing too bad is happening now. I love this pace of life.. peaceful and calm, no traumatic experiences nor stalking mother or boyfriend of friends'. I should be thankful for life and all I have instead of weeping over things I have no control of.

Life is good, it's beautiful and it's like a piece of art. And I'm the artist.

Vic on a date.

Vic went on a date on Sunday afternoon for pizza and to watch King Kong. It was great and her former dream has been fulfilled. Well, she always wanted to go out with the Klang guy and now she has.. and he picked her up. The date was okay, they ate, talked and watched a movie. Nothing much happened but it's good it happened for Vic is now sure he's not the one and never would be.

I'm not complaining but...

Well, I really am not complaining. Having my own 'personal space' is supposed to be a good thing but when Rick went off for some family trip this weekend, I felt kinda lonely.

Am glad my juniors didn't all scatter back to their respective hometowns and I still had people to hang out with. Cooked for ChengXin and Geok Pin on Saturday night. They were so happy. Chimui Nic came over as well and he joined in. Before we picked Pin up, the three of us had fun watching 'Oh!Happy day.' a Korean movie. Was nice. :)

Went for mass on Sunday after a long 'break' from churches in KL. Am glad I did lar.. Feel that life's more complete that way.

Can't believe Christmas is this weekend. Feel nothing.. no Chrismassy mood. I'm sure it'll pop up soon...

Trekking Trio?

Kelvin, Hubby (ChengXin) and I went in search for 'entertainment' today. We went to Putra Heights and found fun at a old quarry area where people now either dump rubbish or yucky soil. It was fun trekking past mud and getting sucked down by eeky stuff but it was better when we found the location for hubby's model to be shot at.

The grass grew tall but the surroundings are partially destroyed. Sad to see what humans can do to harm nature. We walked a really long way and had to find various ways to reach wherever good we spotted. Occasionally we would meet piles or little hills of mud or soil of some sort. The sun was scorching and the heat was bad but it was fun. :)

I got sun burnt again but it's worth it lar! :) Kelvin paid for lunch at Court 2. Great little outing!!!

Assignments' Daze.

Gee. I've never written so much crap before all my life ler. For the past 3 days, I've been rushing 2 assignments for my Communcation & Scholarship subject that I'm currently taking with USQ, Australia. Enjoying in Kuching had an expensive price to pay - blessed extension for 2 weeks but horrible jam-packed completion within 3 days.

My first assignment's entitled: Emotional Intelligence as an essential skill for relationship management in the field of education. * gee.. How the hell did I come up with that??? The supporting points are even scarier.

The second's pretty 'nice'. Bullies in Schools. :) And I had to record my voice for 7 minutes at Just's. :) Felt silly but was fun.

Anyway I got ink for my printer but it's konked, I think. * sigh.. How am I going to explain that to my dad now?
Due to faulty printer, I had to pay 18 bucks to print everything. Waste!!! While the poor people are suffering, I wasted my money to print funny stuff that the lecturer won't really read anyway. (the extras are color printed, believe it or not)

Okay I'm babbling but this is somewhere for me to pour all my shortcomings out!

Since Rick's not around this weekend, life's pretty boring. Finishing the assignments leave me wondering what I should actually do next! Everyone's gone home for the holidays... :) Nevermind, will think of something to do.

Hoping everyone'll have a greattt weekend! :)

:) Thailand, Here I Come!

Okay.. I'm not exactly flying off to Thailand anytime this month, or next. However, I will be going to Bangkok in March! Got free tickets and just had to top up some taxes and stuff. ;)
RM 143/- return tickets to Bangkok. :) What an awesome deal.

Having faith in Him really makes things easier. I do admit I was down, a bit barkish and almost about to give up.. but holding on helped. :) (problems with system of Airasia...)

More traveling marks on my 2006 calendar - will be away in Bangkok from March 9 - 27.

I love life. I love Him and I love everybody! Erm, and just this once, I love Airasia!!!

Emotion-less or Emotion-Management?

I would cry all the time in the past for the smallest, darnest things..
I cried when I left USJ to go back home so many times in the past years.
I cried when I had to leave Kuching to come back to USJ...
I also cried when my friends fought or when I fought with them (or even the slightest arguments)
; and I obviously cried when friends or family left for somewhere (when it comes to deaths, I cry darn lot)

Why then am I so tearless this year? Since the departure of one of my beloved lecturer the Late Ms. Lai.. and a tinge of this and that from the social world - Vic the tear-y is now Vic the tear-less.

I so want to cry but I can't.

I wanted to cry when I left the Student Council - out of relief or sadness to leave, who cares?
I also wanted to cry during the social havoc of Prince Charming.. but I didn't.
I could cry last week when my friends from all over the SEAS including somebody left but I also didn't.

Gee. Why can't I cry? Am I so tear-less only soap operas (fake stuff) make me cry but real events leave me stunned and without tears?

* heart feeling heavy.. too much mixed emotions..

Crazy, crazy

I registered a hotmail account so I could chat in MSN as I was requested to do so, by somebody.
Somebody's driving me crazy and I should know better than to let this get to me.

I think I've got this sick obsession for people with authority.

How Do I Explain This Feeling?

My heart's beating a bit too fast, my mind's racing. My body feels both warm and cold.
Before you think I'm catching a flu, let me clarify the situation.

I have made the biggest decision of all time (no, I'm not engaged) but situations depend on God and the community of Asia for a church movement. Till then, will be doing a lot of movement work I suppose.. and juggling studies as well.

Life's getting exciting and I am glad. Hoping to get rid of depression once and for all. I am truly blessed with bountiful blessings. Life may not be perfect but at least I have what I have! Feeling all emotional now.

Okay, I have written a lot yet to explain what I feel.. it's just a very different feeling. I guess it's MSC's air con as well.. it's pretty cold.

Whatever it is, I'm glad things happened the way they did - going back home - realisation and all.. Praying that all will be beautiful and God intended.

Going Home

My trip's ending and it's time to go home.
Back to reality, back to pollution and back to social war.
* sigh

Love Rival

I don't want my love rival to be God.
I have to stop all these crap.

Building a Community That's Broken .. & lots more

For a church camp I was at for the whole week in the past, we were talking about building community through education in the light of faith - in short the theme is faith@edu.com

While discussing all the hot topics of South East Asia regarding community and education + faith that's actually international, I was informed that my friends in KL are (as Just puts it) throwing shit that's hitting the fan. I guess it means bad stuff's happening there in KL. * sigh *

SEE (with all senses)

I see myself happy and making new friends from all over the South East Asia.
I see myself missing all the good old days in the movement and reminiscing of the past endlessly.
I hear myself laughing all the time.

And at the same time, at the other side of Malaysia…

I read messages telling me that war has started at peninsular.
I hear bad news echoing from afar.

JUDGE (an on-going process part ONE)

(My Friends in KL)
I love my life in KL but it's getting a teeny bit too stressful for my liking. My friends are going crazy and only a tiny handful's worth caring for. Everyone's breaking the community in their very own way but nobody really knows what to actually do to solve the problems we can't even identify. Movies, potluck and drinks do not seem to be an option anymore. This is serious social war.

* What should I do? What can I do? Am I part of the problem?
* What are my friends thinking? Why are they doing this? Why's everyone moving away?

(My Involvement in the Movement)
I want to do more for the movement. I feel that my presence can contribute to the society and to the world indirectly. I want to be part of crowd that makes the world a better place. If sacrificing certain things in life helps improve my surroundings and the quality of life for others, that is a good thing, right?

* Should I commit to coordinating the movement in West Malaysia, and request for them to let me do so? Should I volunteer to certain authorities to join the Asian Team that's coming up soon?
* What would others think about me being involved like this? Would others mind? Would my presence be rejected due to my disappearance in the past years?


ACT (for now...)

I will commit to the plan to visit Thailand for 2 weeks for 2 of their camps next year.
I will also contact certain people to arrange for an informal coordinating involvement in the movement.

I will be there to advice my friends but not be involved in the hurting each other process. I will not give up on anyone, but not get emotionally attached to the situation.


------------

Life hasn't seemed beautiful this year till this camp. Everything happens for a reason and I am yet to find out the reason for me joining this camp.. but I think I already do know why.

Home Sweet Home

I've been back in Kuching for a week plus, meeting only a few very close friends and enjoying my stay here very much. Been in minimal touch with the world in KL - nevertheless, they're close at heart - and very in touch with my inner self, God and the calling.

The weather has either been scorching hot or pouring rain and am not bothered by either. Life has been blissful since the flight landed. Problems of any kind seem like a harmless buzzing mosquito compared to those I face in KL & Subang which is like the Aedes mosquitoes bringing dengue.

I am very happy to be home, missing friends over there but things have been great. Reschedule my flight to Monday since last week as I just had to stay back a bit more.

So I'm happy and contented with this holiday. Many intriguing questions have arose since coming back but I will answer them one by one in due time.

And for now I just want to rest till reality pops back into the picture..

Last Day in Hell

Well, hell, as it is mentioned for the title of this blog, isn't exactly hell.. it's just the centre I work at. Anyway, hell might bring me commission of RM 887 which I will use to cover my air tickets for Chinese New Year, tomorrow's trip back.. and also the February trip that I am forced to cancel. I will be throwing RM 200 down the drain for air tickets I won't be using as my stupid, stupid college has just decided to have our convo held on Feb 18. So convenient of them. Damn!!!! Am so, so annoyed. They have no right to postpone the convo date like that! Ergh.. I now have to miss my foster brother's wedding, waste money anyway and feel guilty owing a friend a trip to Kuching! Eesh.

Am telling clients and friends that today's my last day at work and goodbye.. and am practically sitting here doing nothing for the whole day, preparing for training for the whole sales team (including my supervisor!!!) later in the evening. He, in return, will be buying us Domino's. As fate had it, he initiated to pay RM 150 but refrained RM 50 later, how stingy eh? I complained to my Head of Academics and he offered to top up the balance.

Was really happy as I placed my order (and confusing the guy) for extra lots of stuff!!! :) Farewell, Vicky!!!! Can't wait to leave this place.. and go home, and sleep and meet new people from South East Asia!!!

Sugar Rush!!!

I love fruits. I love to eat fruits on happy days like today. Sweet stuff, sugar rush.. :)
I'm feeling so happy..
Happy, happy.

I not only closed a sale today, I'm also resigning!
Wow, great news? :) Be happy for me!!!

Plus, (bonus of the month) I'm GOING HOME!!!!
I'm not JUST going home, I'm going home for a South East Asian Camp!
YipSS!!! Exactly this second next week, I'll be surrounded by old friends from all over
Asia.. and new ones as well. Life's beautiful!! :)

I LOVE LIFE!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING!!!!!

Harry Potter was wonderful for the 2nd time this month. Understood the story more.

Can't wait to breathe again.

Blush

I blushed today. I blushed real bad. I didn't really like the reason why I was blushing but I did blush. I blushed as red as my blouse. Damn.

Work was fine but my colleague Uma told one of the students, Khaled to tell his friend that I think he's cute. Erm.. do I?

Well he's rather cute, from China, 20 years old (this is the reason why I should forgive myself for even looking at him and forget his existence) and has a slight resemblance to Elvis Presley. Oh, he's from a race in China that speaks like the Koreans.

Anyway, work was a bore and I'm having doubts about coping with my degree so I might have to resign earlier than as planned. Whatever it is, I hope I will somehow find whatever I'm searching for and still excel in my degree. * sigh

Forget the depressing stuff, Timothy, my ex colleague dropped by the office today and we had fun taking pictures. Unfortunately he couldn't join Uma and me for lunch.

There's also this girl in the centre. She's pretty but Uma and Annie (another colleague) hates her. We used to think she's 'Elvis's' gf.. but who knows, maybe she's not? Annie calls her prostitute which is totally mean. Uma hates her so much she goes nuts everytime we mention her. Well, she likes Tim's attention and when Tim came back she just seemed so happy. If I were still taking pictures of model, I might consider her being one.. but I'm no longer taking those pictures. Oh well..

I don't know whether I've lost my skills in Photography. What if I have? I will just die.

I might be nuts.

I saw you.
I felt something.
I'm not really sure what.
I think I still like you.
Why?
I'm crazy, that's why.

When Water Flows Out

My tears are brimming and I don't even know why. I don't know why I'm feeling so sad, I don't know why I feel like crying.. I don't know why life has to seem so complicated. I don't know why friends have to leave or change. I don't know why great things have to come to an end. I don't even know why someone has to feel so alone in this world.

I guess I could just go home, crawl into bed and watch movies to cheer myself up. However, I don't really want to do so. What I want to do is to smoke and smoke like a chimney while I cry all these sadness and insecurities out. Why the change and why emotions?

I am wishing once more to be emotionless like how some people can be.

I just want to cry.

I don't know why I'm feeling so sad today. I feel that everything has changed and more will change real soon. I can't control what I feel but what's worse, I can't control all these changes.

I don't want to live in this grown up world. Everything's too complicated for me. What with responsibilities, a cruel heart and cruel situations with cruel people.. these cruel facts are just too hard to bear.

I always thought I could handle things well, I guess not. There are days like today that I'm reminded once again how weak I can be and how immatured my mind set is.



Oh.. and I have this teeny tiny crush on this very funny person. Yeah, like that's nice. * sigh

So Wrong...

So wrong.. everything's turning out to be so wrong. I can't seem to control situations falling apart, falling out of my grip, falling deep into the pit.

I can't seem to work properly, calls never seem to get through, leads seem to turn dead and everything's piling up, up and up.

Friends are either leaving or changing or facing horrible trials in their lives. Feelings in turmoil, friendships sunk, gone, sailing away.

Ka-ching falling into the river. Dropping down, down and disappearing. I don't know where, I don't know why.. just in a flash they're all gone. More fees, more payments, more liability.

Just a year ago, everything seemed so wrong, yet so right. What happened? I don't know anything anymore. I'm just a clueless blank page.

Dear Just.

I know you're hurting a lot in many funny ways now, feeling the irony of life through unwanted gay situations... I know you never meant for things to be so uncertain or for funny 'happy' people to pop up in your life. I also do know that you do not always regret what happens in life but when you do set your mind on something, otherwise hardly occurs. I do know a lot, and might also not know anything.

What I am sure I know is that you're my friend and I do care and that if the skies seem too grey for birds to fly and if storms are fast approaching.. you will always have an emotional shelter from our friendship. Here's the 'free voucher'. Use it well.

Take care and be good.

Dear Sis Tiny Fish...

There are days when all seem down and blue and the clouds seem to gather so thick no wind can blow them through.

There are days when happy flowers don't exist and those that remain are dead and dried.

There are also days when you wake up to find yourself dreaming and you dream, only to wake up from that dream realising you're awake.

Sis..
There are days when those you love, depend on and emotionally need in life seem to leave you to decay by the side of life's walkway.

To get to the point...
There are also days when you happen to fall for a gay guy who turns to you and like a dog bites you at the bag while you're not watching.

There are many types of days and periods in our lives when things go wrong.

However, there are also days when people who love you feel the pain you feel and worry about you. There are also days when they might not be there for you physically not because they choose to, but because situations just don't allow them to. They want to be there emotionally but they are physically constrained.

Sis.. there are actually days when you choose for pain to conquer all or to make a choice that releases pain. No one is 'hurry-ing' your letting go process but those who love you and care for you just need you to know that you should at least take steps to let go.

* hugs..

p.s.
I'm always here for you.. and I'll always be here for you.

Work on Saturday. Hmph!

This is bad. Work is bad. Working on Saturday is worse. No other offices are open anyway. I’m sitting here, waiting for my ass to rot and my brains to decay. The only thing I find amusing is to upload pictures onto Friendster. J Calling individuals result to unanswered calls. Duh. Who wakes up before noon on Saturday if they’re not working. Stupid management. They’re just dumb. All the systems are f***ed and yet they think they’re superior. I’m actually in a pretty good mood despite all these rumbling and self- mumbling. I will not let my beautiful half rainy day be ruined due to brainless bimbos and empty- headed know-it-all.

Here Goes Another Day.

I’ve been making calls after calls since early this morning till now. My voice is starting to sound funny and to keep myself awake I am sounding horribly chirpy. I told my colleague Timothy that I find myself so annoying I feel like slapping me. Gee. This job pays a beggar’s salary and demand’s for a king’s treatment. I hate it but I still have to hang around. Looking at the brighter side, I managed to talk a China girl into coming here full time for half a month. I closed half a sale, to be exact. Interesting huh? Practising with Oufei actually worked. I’ve also answered a million enquiries and answered a million answers. J My eye can hardly see now which isn’t really ironic for a half-blind person. Anyway, we had a welcoming lunch. Was interesting, liked the fish. Uma (another colleague) had a friend come here to ask for course. She brought cream puffs which Uma shared with everyone else. Almost all my friends here are new, but everyone’s pretty pissed with the system already.

Oh.. also, I’m starting my Degree classes tonight. No idea what class this will be. I just know I have to be there. Oh well, hoping all goes well. And if it doesn’t, I will have another excuse to be depressed! Yipeee…

Friendship Crisis, Personal Hell Pits

There are specific times in life that I get extremely depressed, a bit too suicidal for comfort and everything seems to go haywire. I somehow figured out how to counter those negative periods of my life. Play computer games.

Friends. Experiencing a situation where an irresponsible ‘friend’ borrows money from a super emo friend causing havoc for me. I’m stuck in between, pitying the hell out of depresso yet finding myself helpless and clueless. I do not know what I should do in such situation. So when depresso told me he was hungry (he apparently has no money left as irresponsible borrowed a lot of money (near 1 k!!!), I ran to my kitchen and fished out packs and packs of noodles, rice, mushroom, and funny can food, eggs and instant coffee to help him through the next few days. Another friend of mine saw the scenario and obviously pitied depresso, claiming I should do my best for I am to be blamed for his condition. Am penniless myself, surviving on credit from a heavenly part-time resource. If I do pass him some cash to spend, I would actually be helping him fall into darker pits. So how do I help cash-wise? Calling irresponsible is like banging at heaven’s doors with a devil’s heart. I’m starting to really feel and think all the sickness and foul stuff I could ever dare to conjure up about friends, about irresponsible. Depresso is hiding in his room, telling us he’ll never be one of us and more depressing stuff. He told me not to bother about him, that it is not my fault and that he will not blame me, telling me he has caused enough problems and that he will no longer do so. Nuts. In situations as such, all I could do was to converse with him in his locked room by yelling things in Taiwanese Mandarin, having him reply through sms. I cried. I felt so helpless and so confused and so everything I cried. Everyone’s growing up and going their own way or maintaining where they should be but I’m nowhere here nor there.

I’m afraid but no one can help me. The only person to help me is me. And I am not ready to help myself now. I feel so down, even more down than I felt the days and months before.. even more down than I've ever felt. Why now?

Another Post to Inform the World How Bored I Am...

I’m bored!!!!!!! Work’s boring. After making endless calls informing people about the Holiday Program for Kids and stuff and mailing people about Mandarin classes, I now have nothing much to do. Was all the time wondering how people can be so free to email the whole world or to pose pictures up online or to write their blogs while working. I now understand - got to do it with much caution though. Don’t want my supervisors yelling at me during my 2nd day of training. Well.. if I could get more things to do, I guess I won’t be so bored. Been seeing young Taylor students walk around the whole and Club 7 is bloody tempting me from across the building. Gee.. I don’t even really look pool, foosball or drink beer. I guess it’s the friendship hangout place thingy - seems more attractive than merely sitting in front of the computer and phone.

Will be off to Malacca either on Thursday or Friday. Banging my hopes on Friday. Really love Jonker street with lots of stalls to browse through. Just a day trip but something to look forward to. It’s better than sitting at home wishing I was back in Kuching with my sister and her boyfriend. I’m such a sore want-it-all. I need a break! I want a break. I want to get away for at least a few days but I’ve got to settle for a day trip.

I’m still missing college. Why am I so emo?? I’m starting to annoy myself and that just isn’t good so I’ll just stop typing now.

J I’m still bored.

Work.. * sigh

Today’s my second day job training. Everything’s going pretty well despite the fact that my head is throbbing pretty bad. There are many things that I’m still so unsure of. Packages, this that.. and everything is piling up. I still need to read up regarding all the courses and products that we offer but am already entertaining customers! Well, in a way it’ll be good for my commission level will be okay if this goes on but am just a bit nervous for the moment. I can’t seem to get a grip of myself and am feeling rather emo over no particular reason. There’s this beauty in the office. She holds a higher post than most of us and I just met her today. Apparently someone got up on the wrong side of the bed for someone was pretty erm.. snobbish. Maybe it’s my emo side getting all worked up again. I just want to go back to the studying world. * sigh

Oh yeah, I will be sent to take up a Mandarin Free Class every Tuesday starting Nov 8. Hmm.. Good for me, I know how am I going to manage juggling work and that and my Degree classes? I just hope degree classes won’t be on Tuesdays then.

Mixed Emotions

I let go off the COC on Friday night, at midnight. In many ways I am relieved and really, really happy to 'retire' for it has always been on my mind since Day One joining the council 2 years back. However, now with the burden gone, life just feels so empty.

Loud and Wild was loud and wild and in many ways really crazy. Everything spun around me as I walked the corridors of MSC feeling horribly sick, tired and depressed. I smiled when I could but all I wanted to do was to hide and cry. Some people tell me that parties are supposed to be fun. I guess the usual parties are fun. Council parties just take a few more hours off my already short life from me. Been planning this party for a month or so, taking breaks in between. The more breaks I took the more I had to pay back by not sleeping the days after. Some friends around me witnessed this but not to the maximum effect, of course.

All I wanted was to plan something that will make people happy for the last time in the council. I don't even know if that was achieved. Mr. Anderson said it went really well and faults that happened were just minor ones. I somehow do not feel the same. I guess I expect too much from everyone and myself. These after party emotions I feel should be blamed on no one but myself.

I really felt glad in a way the moment I gave my speech and introduced Vivien to the crowd as the new president. I will be giving up the responsibility that includes always being mentally and emotionally abused by people around who do not co-operate the way they should or delivering things they promised they would. And about my speech.. gee, I don't even remember what I said. I just know I wasn't prepared and that I was babbling like crazy. Oh.. and the grand walk in, I flew right in and screamed at some people inside in front. No one noticed, but I missed out on the only 'glorious' time I could have enjoyed.

Sick. Sick. If letting go means letting go off bad stuff, why then do I feel so awkwardly uncomfortable with the fact that it's all over? Why am I not jumping up and down with glee, clapping my hands and drinking beer? Why do I feel like tunneling to Timbuktu for permanent residence? Are all these feelings caused by reasons pointing to the fact that I now know it really is the end of me being in MSC? Changes are happening so fast inside out for the college I know soon things will all be different. Why do I care? I will still be doing my Degree there. Why do I feel so lost now? Why do I feel like I'm never ever going back? What's my problem?

All these mixed emotions make me feel so down. People tell me they understand. But I know deep down inside they don't. The only person to make this okay would be myself. Me, myself and I. * sigh * But I'm just too tired for now...

And I'm going to miss everyone in college so much... All the council people who weren't too shitty as well.. Caryn and Sean.. Darren and the new Chinese bunch and the China bunch.. and the Malay bunch.. and Edmund.. the old bunch (well sometimes I will be glad I left but not now.. )

* sighhhhh

Another End for Another Chapter

I usually write 'chapters' for crushes and infatuations. I do write about these feelings during the period of craziness and also after. These chapters are basically chapters of my life.. big ones and small ones.

Here's a new entry to end this chapter.

***
I've done enough damage to cause social havoc among people around me that I do care for. It's time to let this madness go. So much has happened within such a short period. Restating occurence and events would bring back unhappy memories and bad arguments. Better let all these be buried and never dig it up.

What kind of curvy am I anyway? I know I'm not 'halfway' but I go around having crushes on people for specific reasons. Isn't Rick good enough? I know no one's perfect and I guess I do know the reason. I'm greedy. I want everything to be perfect even though I know I myself am not.

So the mind games have stopped and the crush has almost totally faded away. Life is becoming a bit boring now but at least I'm not totally unhappy and going crazy. The 'victim' (otherwise once known as Prince Charming) can now live in peace. I will cause no further harm nor create future havocs and madness.

This marks the end of chapter XXX (I forgot the serial number for this chapter.. haven't been keeping track :P)

Kluang Break

I wrote a whole post about this but couldn't get online so I saved it in one of the coms in coll and of course the document got deleted. So anyway, here goes, once more.


One of the main reasons of these annual trips is to meet up with my foster mom (who's also Cindy's mom and Cindy Chan's my friend from Kluang) and Aunty Jean (Adrian's mom - Adrian Liew's another friend from Kluang). It wasn't my first few times there, of course. Been there five times before. Was great meeting them and other Kluangies. Was also good to move around familiar places, thinking back of all those great trips before this.

Kluang break was a great dining experience. Ate so much for 3 days I doubt any of my nice clothes can ever fit again. * sigh. Yummy food and drinks included: Foster Mom's Special Herb Chicken, Curry Laksa @ Shwu Chyn's shop, Tang Yuen @ stalls near Sg. Mengkibol, Otak2 @ Little White House that isn't little anymore coz they moved, Fruit Juice on a date with LaoKung @ Thai Village - nice place on top of shop houses!!!, Bak Kut Teh @ Teoh Heng, Western Food @ Barney's (quality dropped though..), Beef Noodles @ some shop too far away for me to know where, Ice Kacang @ Flat Lou, Roti Bomb & Susu @ Little White House, Roti Bakar & Stim & Nasi Lemak @ Kluang Station, Pearl Milk Green Tea @ Witchery Ider and Mien Fen Kao @ the bus station stalls. YUM. Best of the best would be the mangoes I ate at Cindy's house. Uncle gave me an extra portion as I seldom eat them. :)

Other great events would be hanging out and yaking till early morning.. buying and stocking up silver earrings and climbing Gunung Lambak. Was actually forced by Cindy to do so. She felt her conscience wouldn't be at ease if she did not bring me to actually climb Gunung Lambak this trip round. I did (only a quarter way up- hehe), regretting once more about my chimneying and laziness to exercise. Darn.

Highlight of the trip would of course be taking pictures of flowers. Wildflowers. They're just so beautiful!!! :)

Adrian studies in UTM, JB. Even though I did ask him to go back to Kluang for the weekends, I never expected him to. Was kinda down on Saturday when we called and he told us that he was 200 metres from Singapore's immigration border. Sweet, sweet guy decided to surprise Cindy and I by coming back in the evening! Despite his exhaustion (just finished some exams..), he accompanied us for yamcha and cracked jokes to humour us. Sweeter still, he opened car doors for both Cin and I until we felt uneasy. Such a sweet guy lar.

LaoKung was really nice. He accompanied me throughout the trip and carried my 1 tonne camera bag when I couldn't carry it anymore. Am so glad he went back while I was there!

The trip was super but Sunday came and it was time to head back to reality. So I did.. Will miss Kluang but next year will come real soon and I will make my next annual trip, so no tears. :)

Oh yeah, KKKL buses are good. Not too costly yet comfy all the way!

Was in Kluang, Johore from Oct 7 - 9, 2005.

Cyber Cafe In The Morning. Guy Zone???

At Inferno, SS15. Walau eh.. this whole place is packed max! To think I thought it might not be open. Walked in and sat in between two guys.. hmm.. uncomfy. Well, I looked up and saw the whole room packed with guys. College boys and high school boys and boys and boys.. Feeling a bit dizzy now. There are NO GIRLS here. Why? This room definitely has unbalanced ying yang. Maybe that's causing the dizziness.

Jiwang Mode

It's not easy to find friends to mingle with especially those who tune to the same channel as you, these days. Everyone's different. Being different seems to be the 'in' thing, I guess. Well, I shouldn't point fingers for I too enjoy being different in stupid little ways!

It's a blessing to have those I have around me. Editing 'Peng You' was a big outreach to my own feelings regarding friendships and relationships. An occasional evaluation on life is necessary without extra reasons. We're so busy with our daily lives that we just do not know how to feel or be in touch with our inner selves in the normal humane way. Life has become a daze.. a total mash of confusion. At least for me it is.

Well, this post is actually to thank Just and Caryn for always being around and for sharing their lives with me. I've enjoyed all these months very much and am pretty sad that everything will end soon when the 'balls start rolling'. Thanks for the many happy moments.

Jiwang mode ends. Pardon the English if error pops up.. English mode at rest.

The end and the pain that never ends.

The End

It's over, all over. I once wrote a similar post in Friendster. I was lying then. I still had one last subject to complete. Two days ago, I submitted a CD to Daniel, my DI II lecturer. Hmm. I am pretty sure I won't fail so that means the journey for my Diploma in Photography is officially over!

I thought I would be happy. I thought wrong. I've never felt more empty about learning than now. I thought the gap I felt after ending my final presentation and final project in July was bad. This is worse. This is scary. This is too much for a confused, pro suicidal person. * sigh * I think I'll be okay.


The Pain That Never Ends

Oh, on a sadder note, today marks the 4th year of the passing of the late Chai Wan Yee, the late sister of my best friend. She passed away a day after her sister's birthday 4 years ago, leaving us to mourn and grief over a loss never to be replaced. We still mourn and grieve on a different tone today. Yesterday I called Wan Ling to wish her Happy Birthday. At the same this morning I called her to make sure that she was okay. Remembering hurts. I guess the pain never leaves, it'll never end. * sigh *

Kluang!!

I'm here at Kluang. Everything seems to have slowed down by at least 2 whole hours. Been sitting in front of Cin's laptop for at least 2 hours reading blogs after blogs. So I'm back here again. It's good to be back.

The 20 bucks 3 hour journey really paid off. The bus here KKKL was awesome, comfy AND clean! Will be dining at Shwu Chyn's later.

Okay, I'm starting to get bored! Flowers.. I need flowers.. and I will get them soon enough. Tatas

Malacca once more

The 2nd day of Malacca started with goodbyes said to Gerald. It was pretty tough as chances to meet him before CNY equals to zero percent. After a pretty whacked up group photo session, we went walking around the historical areas of Malacca city. Just was suffering from stomachache of some unidentified causes. We made our slow journey and managed to meet up with the group somehow.

To mention what happened will bore my fingers as they type so I'll just list the basics. We visited the gateway of A Famosa & a museum displaying Final Fantasy's sword, climbed St. Paul's Hill, went down to the Red House areas, visited dead Dutch people, burnt our human motherboard and memory space as we wandered past 'Yellow Mansion', 'Capitol' and endless Indian shops and finally reached Tan Kim Hock (some famous local products' shop) to scatter for lunch.

Clingy ones did their act but lunch was with Just, ZhenZhen, Zenn Ge, Loukung, Family Pet, Just's Photo BF. We bumped at a 'customer service 0%' shop with very cheap and pretty good food. Despite being dried up like a 'semboi' (ewwwwwww), we somehow managed to meet up with the rest of group at Tan Kim Hock and later in the bus. I am seriously amazed our heat tolerance being students from MSC, the college well known for super air-conditioner being as cold as the freezer.

Somehow after a few turns around the city, we reached the Butterfly Park. Rain was approaching so our butterfly friends ran away. Was a bit disappointed. I did take pictures of cutie otters after escaping from some endless eekie snake routes! Love birds cheered me up with their adorable antics as I clicked. Minor goodbyes were said before returning to the polluted place we call home.

So there. I've finished writing about my Malacca trip. I had lots of fun and lots of things to grumble about. Such a bliss.. :) Was good hanging out with lots of friends for 2 whole days!!!


FYI, 2nd day of Malacca = September 29th, 2005

School Trip to Malacca

Anticipating the arrival for this trip lasted more than 3 whole gruesome weeks with some very bad things happening in between. The morning of the trip brought a somewhat excited and exhausted me to the steps leading to PGC.
* yawn *

Bus ride was OK. I exchanged places with Zhen to chill by the window. It did good and I was calmed enough to not hop off the bus. :)

Reaching Malacca and checking into Baba House was alright. The whole first part of the day went according to plan in a pretty organised manner. Lunch came and went. Chicken rice ball was discarded for an important matter to attend to, buying a brick. The brick incident was something unexpected and definitely a memory to store.

The sun mercilessly pierced at us. We continued our battle to explore art galleries after art galleries and more historical sites. Wildflowers caught my attention. I captured their beauty at peace. A teeny bit of shopping soothed my nerves. I love spending even though I know it's bad for me these days.

The last art gallery was awesome. They had great flowers and dengue mosquitoes. Interesting. The art pieces were great. Took some 'family portrait' of our 'over-so-confusing' MSC blood relations.

Drinks at Limau- Limau chilled us while we sat under partial shelter as thick fruit lassi (or whatever the others ordered) soothed our throats. Pictures. More pictures.

Heading back to the hotel, we showered, individually of course. Gerald came awhile later with his friend Daniel from Sabah. Dinner was sate celup that I was not particularly a fan of so I controlled my appetite. Gerald and Daniel are good company. The whole troop were heading to Makhota Parade which was not our cups of tea so a few of us headed back to the hotel which was supposedly very far away, according to my temporary-Malaccan friends. It was actually just around a bend and along the road. Gee. 'Cho Tai Ti', 'Uno'.. a shower.. off we go to Harper's by the river.

It's sad to say but this was the highlight of the trip for me. I guess it's the booze, and the company- everyone at ease. We drank and played hand games and I just let my mind rest and everything just seemed so beautiful. I am not intoxicated while I relate this piece of memory. It was truly an enchanting moment for me.

Zenn, I found out is actually a very charming person to hang out with. A brotherly figure, chattable pal and relaxing partner to chill with. Was glad he joined our company for drinks during the afternoon and that evening.

Gerald was (and is) charming and electrifying. Sweet in his own ways. Justine, Zhen and Caryn were just great sisters to have around as the night slipped the day past. Rick turned 21 today. We gave him booze. :)

A walk back to the hotel gently brought the day to a halt. It was time to lay our heads down and so we did.

(Note : A day’s entry for September 28th, 2005)

The story will continue after more rest. Please stay tuned.

Happy Birthday Prince Charming

September 28th marked another birthday for Prince Charming. I tried to act neutral but conscience got the better of me.

I got him a brick. Anyway, he enjoyed that brick-y brownie. Good for him. Well, that's the best a girl can do for a guy she feels so much for but is not supposed to do anything about it, right? Life can be so unfair.

I Will Be Back!!!

I want to talk about Malacca but I am suffering from memory loss due to extreme heat throughout my 2 day trip there recently. When I finally recover, I promise to tell my story. Goodbye. I mean, see you later. I will be back.


p.s. The reason why I can't write is because Justine is being really mean as well. She ate my brain and my self confidence to gain an extra pound.

A Nice Sleepover

After a sweaty day at F.R.I.M, a bunch of us made our way to Caryn's place for a sleepover. Dinner was late but it was yummy. Caryn's kakak cooked bak kut teh and curry for us. Oh yeah, kueh tiao too. Cockroach was telling us (again!!!!!!!!!!!) about the kueh tiao joke. Edmund looked cute and he was seated next to his No. 1 fan, Shwu Chyn. Opposite was Zi Pok, finally awake. I was seated next to my hubby of course. A fake hubby, that is - Cheng Xin, who was not coincidentally placed opposite Shwu Chyn, his ex wife. Beside me sat a huge, human sized insect - Cockroach and his dirty brain. Caryn sat at one end of the table with her No. 1 hubby, Sean, at the other end. Such a wonderful family dinner.

Malaysian Idol 2 was up next on TV. I was bored to death but seeing their happy faces I joined them to cheer for nobody. I do not like stars that I don't know. Steven, College Icon 05 is exceptional. I know him.

Pictures after pictures were taken at the lobby, the front porch, the swimming pool and practically everywhere else. It was fun to be a bit stupid. Okay, I was really stupid. I even helped Cockroach pose for his 'Nak Nak' 100% for smoking future campaign. :P

Oh. Quill was next on the schedule. We sat together in front of the TV set and cried our eyeballs out over some dog story. Hmm.. That was really emotional, okay?

And we finally slept. The girls in Caryn's room, and the guy's at her brother's.

Breakfast came and went, so did watching food shows. And we ate lunch a blink later. We're such pigs. We ate snacks after that. And then we left. I think Caryn's mom must think we're horrible, horrible influence to her. We eat so much and we're so special in our very own ways.

Confusion and lack of memory power makes someone write confusing posts. So forgive me.

I liked the sleepover very much though and I thought it was cool to hang out with people my age. :) I am afterall just 19 right? Hehe..


Sleepover at Caryn's took place on September 24th, 05. We obviously left the day after.

Beer is Bad

I need to tell all those who think drinking helps. It doesn't. It makes you feel emotions you wish you wanted to hide. It's best then, to stay away. Stay away from beer. That's what our nation wants us to do and that's why the taxes are increasing. Stay away.

WHY?

I hate you. I hate this feeling. I hate you for making me feel this way. I want to let go. But I'm still stupid and I hate it.

Forest Research Institute of Malaysia Trip

Throughout my trip at F.R.I.M (Forest Research Institute of Malaysia) a few questions repeatedly popped up in my tired mind.

1. Why didn’t I sleep earlier?
A. I went for College Icon the night before.

2. Why am I so tired when I crawl up this horrible mountain and gawd forsaken mosquito and leech infested jungle?
A. I smoke like a chimney and I lack exercise since possessing a driving license and a car.

3. Why am I here anyway?
A. DUH. Over2Stops needs you around to liaise with the F.R.I.M people.

4. Ok, seriously, why am I here when there are jungles everywhere just like Kuching, my hometown?
A. I’m missing home? I feel deprived of mosquito bites, sweaty body and aching muscles? I like nature???

F.R.I.M was fun, in a way. I got to see the crowning trees or something like that and I also managed to climb all the way up without a heart attack (an almost heart attack does not count!!). I enjoyed walking across the canopy walk and I also enjoyed the view! It was awesome. The nicest part was that I managed to find a tree with flowers!!!!!!!!!!!!! And take pictures of it. Pictures I’m actually pretty proud of. It was great hanging out with friends in the nature. Trip could have been better with better pre event planning. Anyway, I was happy and I hope everyone was too!

F.R.I.M trip was made on September 24^th. 2005.

College Icon!

Ice won Best Vocals! And the guy I banged hopes on (No.4 - Steven from ICOM) won FIRST!!! A wonderful Friday night at Zouk filled with cigarette smoke, wailing HELP girls and very, very interesting performances. Many friends and family gathered as well at Zouk and later at Suzie's Corner to celebrate Ice's victory. Got a personal message from College Icon 2005, Steven when he surprisingly appeared at Suzie's corner as well! Great night, great events.

College Icon was held on September 23, 2005

Mid Autumn Festival in Sepang

When away from Kuching, friends really mean a lot to you. I feel the same about my housemates and some other close friends who used to stay with me or near me in USJ2. We were so close and thankfully we still are, just like how families are supposed to be.

This year's mid autumn festival only gathered Kiwi & wife, CJ and new member Justine at Sepang as Kiwi's operation the Sunday before kept him home-bound in Sg. Pelek. Was a pity S'ze, Zhen, Sharon and Jov couldn't make it. Would have been wonderful to have everyone together.

The weekend was a blast amidst me sensitive self flaring over some 'so-typically-Justine-sweeping-comments' about me being a f***ing person from where I am. Hmm.. Looking back to that moment of time, I feel a tinge stupid.

As Justine's blog has refreshed Sepang memories, I will not go into details.

I would say, however, that the weekend was refreshing, calm and beautiful. The beach made me realise many things I couldn't see or feel while stuck in polluted USJ, really; the fruits Kiwi's family offered and the many walks kept my brain alive for another month while I finish up my last annoying subject for my Diploma; the flowers in Sepang told me that life would be beautiful if only I believed.

After just two days away from Subang, everything in life seemed to be a bit more bearable once more. I will live on, stronger now.


We celebrated Mid Autumn Festival in Sepang during the weekend of September 17 & 18, 2005.

Particles, Petals

The disastrous storm seems to have ceased its horrendous torment. The wind and rain no longer beats down at the withering wildflower. Nevertheless, she's never felt more blue (she's originally yellow) as her mind echoes with questions unanswered.

It's not like she really cares for them to be known yet the little bees in her head are busy at work trying to crack the billion dollar questions they seem to find so important without her conscious blessing. She just wants to lay her bloom down in peace for a few seconds more. Sleep is, however, a privilege that those little bees wish not be hers. She feels deprived.

Walking down the long pathways and around vast spaces of education property, emptiness surrounds her as she remains still while others have long left or are busy heeling by. She knows everything will be fine for one day when the last petal falls the wind will blow them far away to a beautiful place where her people grows in abundance in endless fields.

Thud. Her heart drops to the pits painfully as reality slips in silently to remind her of its existence. Silently she weeps as she prays hard for her petals to drop a speed faster.

Uncontrollable. She gasps as little fragments, her heart within burst further into particles so small even bacteria fail to compete in size. No one knows pain till pain is felt. Particles so small takes no form. All attempts to restore will end in vain.

Tears unshed, cries unheard. The withering wildflower smiles. Perishing, her heart and form seem like life's best choice.

Blog Stalker?

I've enjoyed blog stalking. Sue me for being sick if I really am but I do think it's pretty fun reading about someone's life and feeling like you're a part of it.

This blog is a space to free my mind. As it is named, I cannot and will not write things I do not feel and things that are untrue. It will be wrong. It will be a place to lie instead, right?

I know it's weird to think this way but I cannot imagine people I'm not close to reading this. I find it even more hard to believe that people will actually read someone else's blog, click on the link and end up here AND continue to click on other links here. It's just too funny an image to even try conjuring.

These past 2 days have been really weird. I always thought that when the day came for me to let go, it would be out of my choice rather than being forced to with messages that arrived so early on a SUNDAY MORNING. * sigh * Well, looking at the bright side, the process of letting go is sped up! Yeah.. that's something so worth rejoicing, isn't it? I'm so overjoyed to move on. It is time, it has got to be time. This annoying feeling has been around for a bit too long!!!!

Well, the funniest part of the whole scenario would be 'Supposed-To-Be Prince Charming' acknowledging my extremely confused feeling after stumbling upon this blog. Interesting.

Pouring my heart out at a virtual 'space to free my mind' has now killed my normal everyday reality routine to live life happy and smiling. I am now practically forced to let go immediately OR ELSE be known as the stupid self- pitying person I would seem to be! If I were to shut up and not write and not feel, what would life be all about huh? So writing here hurts me. What else am I suppose to do to let this shitty feeling out? Play more Bejeweled and Insaniquarium? Type out what I feel, print it out and pass it around for friends to comment? What I feel and what I write is used against me to force me to let go. WHAT?

Just, it's true. I now feel cheap and stupid for liking him, for having this crush. It sucks. I should have seen it coming and not feel what I felt and not do what I did. I can now totally relate to a stupid heartbroken teenager. I just wish I can wake up from this horrible, horrible nightmare. But I can't. This is life and this is MY LIFE. * sigh........*

Blog stalking? Never thought it would be the way for him to find out. Never!

I'm a JOBLESS BITCH

I hate all these uncertainties about having no jobs, uncertainties about which college to choose, what my future will hold. Seriously, I don't f***ing care! I just want to end up as a photojournalist cum journalist in National Geographic! I hate all these stepping stones to get me there. I can't leave the country, I can't not study. I have to study but where? I need to work.. Damn it.. WHERE??? I feel so annoyingly STUPID, and jobless.

No job means no flowing in cash. No extra extra cash means no confidence.

I hate being jobless.

Heartache. Ouch.

It's not like I've not tried to let you go. It has been really hard 3 months, you know. Since Day One have I tried to let go off all sorts of funny feelings that shouldn't be around. It's not as easy as you think. Crushes do not just come and go. Some stupid ones stay.

It hurts so much to have you say all those things. I wish again and again that the crush did not happen. I just want things to be the same. Like before. Before all this absurdity. Tears won't help and neither will temper- flaring. All I need to do now is to get a grip of myself, and like you said, let go. So easy it sounds, yet so hard in reality.

Unfair. Life's unfair. You shouldn't have told me what you did.. it would be so much better if I make myself let go. I was going to, anyway. I didn't even confess anything! No confession - no direct approach! Sometimes I do think you think too highly of yourself. And you're all too serious. If it is what you said it is, just a crush, why can't you just act normal till I do?

If you think it's so hard dealing with someone who likes you.. try dealing with someone you like that you can't. Gee. You're mean even though you're trying so hard not to be. You can only think of yourself. Try thinking for someone else for once.

I hate all this shit. I hate all this shit that's so shitty I can't control the situation. Shit, shit, shit.

Stupid Guy Opened the Door

Woke up at the wee hours of the morning, took a reluctant shower and headed to PJ to help a friend get her IC done. Was first in line after performing a traffic stunt hence breaking a traffic rule. Heck, no one saw no one knows. An Indian couple came with us, very nice people. Unfortunately a Malay guy came with his old dad. Stupid he was, he opened the doors leading to the stairway and in streamed lots of people cutting the queue. They included an oversized yellow tudung aunty, a superman wannabe guy, a tree trunk bimbo wannabe (who was constantly harassing a guy with her: suspected boyfriend person) and many other aunties. One aunty started preaching to us about Christianity. Doors of the office opened, air-con blasting.. all seems well. We took our seats after my friend got her number. Aunty sat with us and started condemning Catholics. Gee.. Nice. I told her I am a Catholic, she apologised and went on condemning. Heck.

All commotion ended when we had breakfast. Our government badly needs a system. One that will stop stupid people opening doors, teach people to queue, stop pornographic actions in public and stop Christians condemning other Christians. * sigh *
I am quite sure, however, all the above will not be done.

Bad Service Ruins Steamboat Lunch

We went for a steamboat lunch at Mizi Shabu- Shabu at Puchong Puteri or somewhere with the similar name after checking out from the hotel for the Happy Together camp. The place looked presentable, everything looked interesting including the food served, food tasted pretty good. Perfect lunch? Mmm.. nope, it wasn't.

Sad isn't it? Our lunch was actually ruined by very bad service! As creative students from the photographic department, it is actually a common sight to see a "huge" digital SLR be used to take group pictures and pictures of presentable food. Now, why not? We don't use mini cameras, we only use big ones. A bitch came to inform us that their company does not allow photos to be taken inside the restaurant or something as they have some copyright shit. Copyright my foot. What's so special about that place? The cooker thing stuck inside the table? Hello? Get real. We can order similar cooking gadgets from overseas! Their interior design? I don't think so! Food? Ahem.. normal food- not worth the lawsuit. So we explained to her in the most basic words that the pictures are just for memories. Bitch she was, she actually ended our conversation with "Lim Kok Wing students bring approval letters when they take photos". I added (just as spitefully) "For a meal and taking pictures for memories - an approval letter? That's absurd!" Indeed it is!!! How many letters will the college need to issue photo students as we go around taking pictures with our SLR or digital SLR cameras during family and friends' gatherings at COPYRIGHT restaurants?? Stacks of them? S.T.U.P.I.D. The restaurant, by the way, did not place any signs to indicate the ban towards big cameras.

Worse thing happened after that, she actually took a picture of Oufei to 'remember' and 'mark' him. OK. Get real, people. Which 'spy' would actually bring such a huge camera with a bunch of 9 hungry people for spy jobs? * sigh *

Later we had bunch of gossipers serving us, whispering at hushed tones while looking at us as well from the sidelines. OK, getting annoyed. As soon as most of us were done, another bimbo, (oops sorry.. not pretty enough to be one!) I mean annoyee gave us a bill (we didn't call for any as Oufei wasn't done yet) and we had to pay up. Instantly after that, a school of mad fish swam towards us to collect our dishes back, stirring up a minor tug of war with Oufei's unfinished plates and bowls. *heads shaking from side to side in despair*

In retaliation for a lunch ruined, I wrote on the receipt these exact words.
"Your service is very bad. It is time to improve if you have 'copyright's' standard.
p.s. Nobody wants to steal your ideas. It's not worth it"

Left it for the cashier for the management, and left.

What a horrible, horrible lunch. Please.. for your sanity to be intact, avoid the said restaurant for your well-being.

Goodbye 'Happy Together'

After a few sessions of planning and a number of sleepless nights, "Happy Together", a Leadership Gathering organised by the student council came and left. All went well, I suppose. He was there. Amazing. Life is so ironic. Just when you least expect it, it happens. A beautiful two days spent smiling and socialising. Bad part include calming down rowdy college students.. around 15 of them; got verbally harassed by one all throughout the 2 day session, very bad.

All went well. I lost my temper only twice, I guess. I was at the crazy bitch who's suppose to be providing student service. The other was at junior bitch for stupid acts.

Overall, I did enjoy myself and I'm glad it's all over. After next week, everything will slowly calm to a halt and I will let go off the council. I owe myself that much.

p.s. Saddest part of the 2 day camp was that Bejeweled was persistently calling for me at my PC at home. :(

Haircut, Prince Charming.

He got himself a haircut, making me go crazier then I already am. He now looks like what Prince Charming would look like if I were to conjure an image. Sweet. More friendly smiles would be like whipped cream added to McFlurry Oreo. :)

He's no longer a dream guy. He has become a drug and I'm getting addicted. Weekdays are spent anticipating little bump-intos with him along the college corridor. Everyone else pales compared to him. An absent day from college or a leave he takes gives me severe depression. Letting go seems out of the question. I just want to see him everyday. I just want him to talk to me everyday. All these will end one day very soon but before it does, I will enjoy every single moment spent dreaming of him.

A Little Adrenaline Rush for a Job Interview

I'm feeling pretty excited. In another half an hour's time, I will be undergoing the torture and torment of a, job interview.

Sick and tired of waiting for the approval for my job application to work in college - will just have to do without the staff discount if I do pursue my Degree in my old college. * sigh * Will be checking out other colleges for the similar courses.

Life is turning out very different from what I planned. I saw him again this morning and he helped me with some stuff to be settled. It was of course a very awkward moment as he opened some file to be printed. Still can't understand why I do like him so much.

Anyway, hoping my interview will go smoothly and that I'll get the job. And if I don't, well, hoping more interviews will be lined up.. :)

Removing memories

At the spur of a moment, I went into his room and took away the sole reason to occasionally pop in to see him. I took my plant home. Chances of working in the college seem dim. Why bother leaving hope behind? It’s actually time to move on. He wore a jacket today, making him look so vulnerable. He might not care for me in return but I guess it’s alright to care about him. He doesn’t have to know. I’m not asking for anything in return, just an occasional smile perhaps. I’m feeling empty. Like the roots of the plant I’m bringing home, the feelings have grown. I am now removing the only thing that belongs to me that was left with him since the good days. I am removing good memories, burying them the way I should. This mere gesture means more to me than it would to anyone who might be around. I played my role, I acted as though it was the thing to do. It was of course the thing to do just not the thing I wanted to do. There are other things to remove. I’m taking my time. Thursdays are no longer supposed to be anticipated. It is after all just a class, another class. I have to keep that in mind.

The truth is that the only thing I want to do now is to go home and sleep, and stop thinking about all these nonsense. The worse thing about the whole scenario is that I think he knows. Everyone was talking about the issue in a joking way while his room’s door was left open. I’m sure he’s not deaf and I’m pretty sure that even if he did not know my intentions, he sure does now.

Itchy nose .. and Bejeweled

I'm feeling so sick. My nose seems to go itchy every few seconds but I can't seem to sneeze, sometimes. My left eye on the other hand seems to participate in this itching marathon as well. Annoying. Sheesh.

He's not around today making college seem unappealing. With an itchy nose and an itchy eye, college seems the last place for me to be at. Too many annoying events today, including unwanted cancellation and postponement for certain matters. Hmm.. Trying not to fume.

Good thing is, Jus came to college today (with her Palm.. hehe). I'm glad the Palm is here. Why? Bejeweled. The answer to all boredom. The answer to all answers. I don't care bout scores. What I want to do, is to move a jewel to make jewels disappear. Craving for more games. Justine has sort of banned me from her going near her Palm. Further pestering might cause an injunction letter issued! Anyway, might go scout for Bejeweled CD to download for my home PC. Hehe.. Oh yeah, I even dreamt bout the game, and buying a Palm. :)

Life's still fine, despite bad things. Thanks to.. Bejeweled (okay.. and Justine then).

He doesn't love me

I know he doesn't love me. He never exactly told me that, but I guess I just know. It hurts a lot, and it's hard to let go, I want to but I don't know how to. Why is it such a big deal anyway, it's not like this is my first crush or whatsoever. He is not supposed to have such an effect. He's not anyone that great, is he?

Well.. somehow, I find his annoying self charming. No matter what he says, or he does, it just seems so perfect to me. Absurd. Knowing the impossibilities, I should be smart enough to turn around and say goodbye to a no-happy-ending non existing relationship. I am not a child anymore. Crushes like this are not supposed to happen. I can't let myself going around looking like a love-sick love-struck child! Gee. If I could, I would wham myself over and over till I wake up from this nightmare that brings such a bitter sweet after effect.

He doesn't love me but I want him to love me. Funny. Even if he does love me, I don't even know what I'll do. I just want him to love me so... so much.

Grateful, I am!

We had a 'council management' meeting today. We met with some rather 'big' people from the management and they asked us for updates and feedbacks.

As some of you might know, I am a very emotional person. I proved everyone right once more, being really emotional about all the happenings. However, my voice was just calm and monotonous. I sounded bored, I think.

I concluded everything with this.
"If I am not offered a job by September from our college, I have nothing to do but to leave the student council. My family can no longer support me anymore."

Partial truth, partial crap. I struck gold. One tall guy said this.
"If you have to leave, we will not force you to stay/"

And my heart beamed. I've been waiting for this statement for erm.. say, 8 months??? Finally, a green light to dash away soon!! Soon enough.

After the next major event, and settling the current annoying thank you banner, I will be OFF!

Caryn, I guess I'll bid farewell in advance! Jus.. I'll be joining you, 'lepak with no motive in college'. :)

(Erm, feedbacks please. In this case, should I still ask you know who if I will be working in college or not? Or should I just drop and run? )

Whatever it is, I am SO GLAD I will be running soon. Haha, the truth is, I HATE PROMS. No prom planning for me, I guess! Yipeeyayyeh.

Uncertainties or Insecurities?

I feel so uncertain about so many things, important things. I am still currently jobless. Apparently the higher authority's 'tomorrow' did not exactly mean 'tomorrow' but somewhat 'in the near future'. I don't even know if the word 'near' would seem appropriate. It has been almost a month. I am getting restless. Being jobless means being 'rather' penniless. Furthermore, with all the weird energy in me, it would be best to discharge the extra strength into some beneficial form (not in the Student Council way.. they do not pay me!).

For now, the most important thing is to finish up my last subject. A toughie. Personal reasons.
* sigh *

And unfortunately my sad story does not end here. There is still another huge dilemma. My degree. If I do not work at college, thus not getting a special discount.. would studying a degree in Mass Communication (Journalism) be the choice to take? Or should I consider other options? Perhaps going back to Kuching for a degree in Fine Art majoring in Photography? If I do move back, would I survive? Or would I just die off.. slowly? * sigh *

Bits of The Past, Dust of The Present

I got a message from him from Friendster today. Ironic what he said. He seems to be struggling really hard in life. I won't blame him. Having two juniors to raise isn't an easy solution. I am so glad I'm just not the mother of his two juniors or anyone's junior, for that matter. Life wouldn't be what I have now and I'm thankful for that.

Though life seems uncertain and the soul mate dream has ceased to exist in some ways, I am glad for all the stress, sleepless nights, tears, bitterness and anger (and sometimes loneliness) I feel and experience on an almost everyday basis. I am glad that at this 'tender' age of 23, I need not be responsible for any juniors for the time being. A mother I may not be, but a true youth, I am.

Looking back, I am awed by my naiveness and stupidity to plunge into something so unworth my investment of time, money and effort. Short the period may seem, the scar that remained for the days, months and perhaps years after that is definitely something to leave behind in the past.
What hurt most wasn't what seemed apparent, what hurt most was a friendship gone sour.

If I were more humane, I know I would feel pity for him as I read the message today. I don't think I still possess emotions for situations I cannot relate to nowadays. What I feel is this awkward numbness replacing what used to be care and concern.

He definitely formed bits of my past. Big bits, I would say. Alas, what he has to offer now, and what he means now would only be dust to me. A bothersome annoyance.

No Signs.

I didn't see him today and I feel so empty. I went to college today. But I saw no signs of him. I guess our college doesn't seem so small after all.

The feeling I have in me is just so weird. I feel so emotional for no apparent reason. There is no relationship, no commitments, no sparks, nothing between us. I don't even really know him. Yet this flutter I feel in me when I do see him, it's indescribable. I guess it's the hormones.

My, 'Oh So Big' Cupboard

I've always wanted my own cupboard. End of last year when I shifted to Ridzuan Condo, I got one. A big brown and white cupboard. Solid. Unique. 'Tahan lasak'. Or so I thought.

After months of using the cupboard, with my number of clothes slowly increasing, the metal bar fell for the first time. * sigh * I put it back up.

And then it dropped again. And again. And again. And I can continue this a few more times.

I shifted house once more. Having a little room for my albums, stationery and clothes.. I took some of the weight (clothes) off the bar, and folded them up. The door glided gently to close a cupboard full of clothes. Perfect. I now have a perfect cupboard storing 75% of my clothes. Nice.

No thuds. No bangs. Nothing.

------------------------

I slid open the cupboard door. I found the bar dropping with my clothes hanging on to it, ruining my nicely folded clothes underneath. Oh fucking shit. The bar dropped AGAIN! With less weight on it.

And of course I asked myself why. Why the designer had to be so DUMB to design such a bad item. Big and sturdy it looked. Useless it is!!! It can't even stand minimum weight.

REGRET!!!!!!!!!!!

What am I going to do now? Design a new bar for the cupboard?

Or live life with clothes on hangers in a cupboard, left unhung?

In My Dreams

In my dreams, someone told me. Only in my dreams the possibility of you being mine seems possible. Why? I ask this question so often I get sick of my own voice echoing in my head. It is impossible. You can't be mine, and that's it. I want you to just talk to me, smile at me. I want a hug from you! But of course, all that is and will be, impossible.

It is just so hard to ignore this annoying feeling I feel for you. I do not want to feel what I do feel, but I truly can't help myself. I smile when I see you. I freeze when you come close. I become speechless when I want to talk to you. I go breathless when you stand right in front of me.

This is so wrong. What seems even more wrong, is that when I think of you in college, you appear from nowhere. Is our college actually that small?

I dream of your smile. I dream of holding your hand. I dream of your promises for dreams that seem impossible in dreams. My dreams are real dreams. Dreams you dream at night, not dreams you dream when you're awake. I'm getting so obsessed. I should stop. I should let go. But how?

Damn Those Who Are Brainless.

Isn't it ironic that while others are so busy working their way up the corporate ladder, children are running around the streets with their feet uncovered, designers are slaving hard in front of their computers trying their best to create something for the internet to attract people to view their sites and stuff... there are actually people who yearn for attention in the weirdest ways? Some seek for fame by yelling at people with a prepared speech after shit has happened to the person. I can quote some incidents fresh from certain experiences.

One fine evening, a lady or a man sat in his house bored after a boring day at work, or perhaps lazing around at home. A little car parked coincidentally blocking someone's walkway caught his or her attention. Some juicy complaints to make.. the person thought. And so a complaint was lodged. Some yucky old shorty came walking with a speech prepared, towards two innocent, tired and annoyed girls and started yelling at them as though they were cows ready to be slaughtered. He claimed that he was made a fool by some residents who found the matter very serious and very important to be dealt with right away. Clamped was the little car, yelled at were the innocent girls. To make matters worse, a rather tight budget had to be made tight further as 50 bucks was handed to the beast.

Why? Why do things like that happen? Or perhaps the 'mou liu' aunty or b****** uncle wasn't where they actually were? Perhaps they're keen, hyperactive committee members of the condominium ready to serve the community of their residential area by making the guards put a clamp to the little car. They could also be annoying people walking along the walkway finding a little car too in the way, forcing them to walk a few steps around the car. Frustrated they were, they headed to the guard house a hundred meters or so away to seek for their rights to be restored and their walkway cleared.

How absurd.

I feel like those bangla guys now. Those bangla guys who for no reason get yelled at by police just because they are foreigners in another country more well off than theirs, looking for some money to fill their stomachs for the day. I know my situation is less serious than theirs. But when you get shouted at the way I was, or if you experience situations as such, you would truly understand how pathetic some people could just be. Just like Yusoff the stupid idiot who work as one of the chief guards at Ridzuan Condominium, Jalan PJS 10/11, Selangor. Yusoff, you suck.

On The Move Once More

I am extremely exhausted. The reason is simple. I am once more on the move.

Let me explain with brief historical inputs. I arrived in Kuala Lumpur with a luggage bag and a few small boxes in September 2003. I moved in with my 2 sisters for 3 months while working as an admin assistant in Damansara. Their house is situated in Tmn Tun. After a few cat fights and occasional bitching, I decided to move to my foster brother's place for a month or so while scouting for a place to stay near my future institution (unidentified at that moment). A few items were squeezed in a Proton Iswara Aeroback and off I went to stay at John's. A month later I moved out successfully to settle happily at USJ2 with some new found college friends. A packed car brought my things over. Proton Iswara, the normal kind. A year later, I found myself moving once more. I hired a small lorry and with other boxes from other housemates, we managed to shift to another house in USJ2... I thought that would be the end of the moving, at least till I finish my diploma. I was wrong. Unwanted circumstances forced me out of that house barely 10 months upon arrival. Unwanted 'evil forces', inhuman beings. I can't even think back without goose bumps popping up. Hmm. Anyway, this trip round, the lorry was almost packed with my things, and around 5 round trips managed to bring my things over.

Alas, a month ago my housemate informed me that she will be terminating the contract at the end of this year. I had to, once again, scout around for a place to stay (and a housemate too!). I found a place and arranged for transport to move my things over. The mover, Boy came with a 1 tonne lorry. Guess what? He packed the lorry mercilessly full and announced to me that the lorry cannot take anymore of my boxes or anything whatsoever. Left amidst the dust laid a number of 8 more boxes and other electronic devices. 5 more trips perhaps? Or even 10? Who knows? I already made 2 trips with things to my new place.

The 2 poor Indian guys were heaving pitifully as they carried my things up 3 floors. Gosh, and the trips my friends and I made to the 3rd floor were equally tiring. I was very close to being accused for manslaughter (taking the lives of 2 innocent mover guys) or perhaps free labor and a bit of enslaving (I paid, don't get me wrong, yet what was given does not seem enough to cover for a proper massage therapy!!!)

* sigh * I still need to move. There are still trips to be made. And my new place is still waiting patiently to be cleaned. Oh no. Volunteers will be given a free meal. Right Justine? So anyone out there. I am hollering for help. Help?

Here I Go..

I do not exactly know what prompted me to create another blog (I do have a Friendster blog).. and I notice myself typing properly.. without the usual sticky caps, I guess Justine may be a big part of the reasons for this blogging issue and the none sticky caps issue. The truth is, I have no darn idea how to blog here.. seriously. How do you add links? Images? So many questions running in my head.

I've got so much in my mind. I can't seem to make people listen to me every time something pops out, can I? I guess I feel too much insecurities. Not just that, I feel too much boredom. I want to talk all day long, with someone. But I can't find anyone. There just doesn't seem to be anyone to sit down and talk to. Unlike the past 2 years. Every corner you turn in college, you bump into someone damn great to hangout with. And you hang all day in college. Going home to a forlorn looking environment with wacko housemates doesn't seem that bad after a blastful day in college. And now.. * sigh * maybe it is the holidays. Maybe the holidays cause a zombie town feel to sweep by me everytime I walk around MSC. Maybe.. Maybe.. Maybe not. Maybe I'm running out of friends. I can't call Justine everytime I'm bored. Hmm..

I am already 23. Damn. I turned 23 last month.. or should I say few weeks ago? 2? Nothing seems settled still. My job application to work in MSC.. well, that seems like it's pending forever. Mr. P told me that he will contact me when he hears anything. I guess I've been bugging him so much he's starting to feel awkward having to deal with me popping my head in at least twice a day. So, no job. No job yet. Can't get a job now, actually.. I mean outside jobs. Will be studying twice each week for 7 weeks with Jye and Daniel. Digital Imaging II. I just want to get it done and over with. I have finished my finals but I can't seem to tell everyone I'm a Dip. graduate. It will be a lie. People have actually started congratulating me for something a bit not that close to the truth. I am not a graduate yet. I still have one little bugging subject left. Thank goodness Justine's taking DI II with me. Else I'll be stuck with Jye and Daniel. Talk about awkwardness. Eeks. One to one has never been my thing for any forms of anything. Think straight, don't stray.

Let's see. No job. Nothing to do, but selling cloth for the banner. Caryn, if you do read this, good. I hate the banner too. I hate it, hate it, hate it more than I hate anything in this world. Why, oh why did I ever, ever come up with such a stupid idea. And why, oh why did the council agree to it? I am so glad to have Caryn and Sean drawing on the cloth with me.. How long more do we have to endure before we officially enter Tanjung Rambutan or anywhere with similar services?

Moving house. Above all the insecurities in life (jobless and council job not going too well).. all the worries that I try not to show.. I now have to find someone, a housemate, a decent housemate (someone who will not take drugs, bring weird people and sell illegal stuff) to fill up the empty room in the unit I've rented at Court 2. Finding a girl seems to best choice. On the other hand, a guy will be more handy to have around. * sigh * I hate finding housemates. Not knowing who you'll share your 'life' with seems a bit scary. My life is now at home. Seriously. I don't like clubbing anymore. I'm not taking much pictures of flowers these days. I find shopping complexes boring and I am too broke to go for holidays around. So I stay at home and watch DVDs. And I have to stay at a safe place with a safe person, right? I don't even know when I should move. Gee.

And there's the other activity for the council. But if I go on any further, this post will turn out to be a chapter for a book. So I'm going to end it NOW. The blog, I mean.