The Ugly Truth... is that I've been in love with a person I never expected myself to ever love, but all along,I've been silently, truthfully, loving him.
I love him saying I don't, I love him knowing we might never love the way others do. I love him for him, imperfect he may be from my dream prince.
His smile is the reason I'm smiling.
His laugh is one I long to hear.
And being without him is not even really living.
But if I can't love him, then perhaps I just won't love for now.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Just give me some more time. A bit more time to get over you.
* frozen baguet
* melted peanut butter and jelly
* M 29 where it all ended
* M 37 where it all began
* walks in front of IC
* Desperate Housewives
* mosquito net and 'Cars' bed covers
* green bar of soap
* onions
* tokbukki~
* Somewhere Over the Rainbow in 50 First Dates
* as pure as the clear blue sea
* the yellow couch
* English lessons
You, you, you.
How do you let go of someone when there is no reason to let go at all?
* frozen baguet
* melted peanut butter and jelly
* M 29 where it all ended
* M 37 where it all began
* walks in front of IC
* Desperate Housewives
* mosquito net and 'Cars' bed covers
* green bar of soap
* onions
* tokbukki~
* Somewhere Over the Rainbow in 50 First Dates
* as pure as the clear blue sea
* the yellow couch
* English lessons
You, you, you.
How do you let go of someone when there is no reason to let go at all?
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Dearest Mr Honig
For a long time, I've been searching for a song that describes us and the way I feel after I left the Philippines. I think I've found it. Here's another song to remember you by..
Owl City
Vanilla Twilight lyrics
The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake and miss you.
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,
But I'll miss your arms around me.
I'd send a postcard to you dear,
'Cause I wish you were here.
I watch the night turn light blue.
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.
I'll find repose in new ways,
Though I haven't slept in two days,
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
But drenched in Vanilla twilight,
I'll sit on the front porch all night,
Waist deep in thought because when I think of you.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
As many times as I blink I'll think of you... tonight.
I'll think of you tonight.
When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.
**
I wish for another day, or even another hour. But what has passed remains the past. I miss you so much.
With much love,
Your Jenny
For a long time, I've been searching for a song that describes us and the way I feel after I left the Philippines. I think I've found it. Here's another song to remember you by..
Owl City
Vanilla Twilight lyrics
The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake and miss you.
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,
But I'll miss your arms around me.
I'd send a postcard to you dear,
'Cause I wish you were here.
I watch the night turn light blue.
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.
I'll find repose in new ways,
Though I haven't slept in two days,
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
But drenched in Vanilla twilight,
I'll sit on the front porch all night,
Waist deep in thought because when I think of you.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
As many times as I blink I'll think of you... tonight.
I'll think of you tonight.
When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.
**
I wish for another day, or even another hour. But what has passed remains the past. I miss you so much.
With much love,
Your Jenny
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I'm letting go~
Goodbye E. Time to let go again. Time to move on. For real, this time. No more games.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I'm home. But I'm feeling homesick, for my other home. It's so difficult to get by these sad and lonely nights, reminiscing the good old times in IC.. thinking what it would be like if I were still there.
I talked to Thilo just now, and somehow I wanted to cry so badly after I hung up. I miss him so much. Knowing that even if I go back, and I won't find him there, it just feels so wrong.
I cooked a dish for dinner just now, and when I smelt my hands that were stinking of onions, I couldn't help but wish he was here next to me.
Ya sure the world is not all that big, and that I could always resort to mental telepathy to talk to him, but it would be so much better if time could have stopped, and we could have both been in IC still, talking like there was no tomorrow.
Thilo Honig, you're truly missed...
I talked to Thilo just now, and somehow I wanted to cry so badly after I hung up. I miss him so much. Knowing that even if I go back, and I won't find him there, it just feels so wrong.
I cooked a dish for dinner just now, and when I smelt my hands that were stinking of onions, I couldn't help but wish he was here next to me.
Ya sure the world is not all that big, and that I could always resort to mental telepathy to talk to him, but it would be so much better if time could have stopped, and we could have both been in IC still, talking like there was no tomorrow.
Thilo Honig, you're truly missed...
Friday, October 16, 2009
Restless.
It's that little gap of time in between the afternoon at the nights that drives me insane. And you're not around to brush away this restless feeling anymore. I miss you, much. And I don't even have a way to contact you. It's as though life is telling me to let you go, to forget you and move on. I was ready to do that, but you promised otherwise. Should I remain patient?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
E turns 33... ^^
For October 15, 2009
No matter how much I want to think that the feelings I have for you has lessened, I am but a fool to deny my true desire. The more it seems like goodbye, the more annoyed I get at myself for not letting you go, the more impossible the realities seem, the more I fall in love with you. It is not the challenge I seek, nor am I romanticizing a long distance relationship. It is who you are that makes me want you more. I don't need you, no I don't, but I want you. And wanting you keeps me alive, keeps me at the edge of my seat. Our relationship has evolved into something neither of us can define, but still, you have my heart skipping.
Quoting your favorite song, a melody that leaves a memory, I dedicate these words back to you.
'I wanna change the world, Only for you, All the impossible, I wanna do. I wanna hold you close, Under the rain, I wanna kiss your smile, And feel the pain. I know what's beautiful, Looking at you. In a world of lies, You are the truth. In a world without you, I would always hunger, All I need is your love to make me stronger...'
Singing this song reminds me why my heart belongs to you. You may be far away, but I'll always be right beside you. You are the picture of perfection; attainable, sustainable perfection. Having you in my life lights up not just my face as I smile, but it lights up my heart and my soul too. I love you, E.
Happy 33rd Birthday, Secretary General ^^
No matter how much I want to think that the feelings I have for you has lessened, I am but a fool to deny my true desire. The more it seems like goodbye, the more annoyed I get at myself for not letting you go, the more impossible the realities seem, the more I fall in love with you. It is not the challenge I seek, nor am I romanticizing a long distance relationship. It is who you are that makes me want you more. I don't need you, no I don't, but I want you. And wanting you keeps me alive, keeps me at the edge of my seat. Our relationship has evolved into something neither of us can define, but still, you have my heart skipping.
Quoting your favorite song, a melody that leaves a memory, I dedicate these words back to you.
'I wanna change the world, Only for you, All the impossible, I wanna do. I wanna hold you close, Under the rain, I wanna kiss your smile, And feel the pain. I know what's beautiful, Looking at you. In a world of lies, You are the truth. In a world without you, I would always hunger, All I need is your love to make me stronger...'
Singing this song reminds me why my heart belongs to you. You may be far away, but I'll always be right beside you. You are the picture of perfection; attainable, sustainable perfection. Having you in my life lights up not just my face as I smile, but it lights up my heart and my soul too. I love you, E.
Happy 33rd Birthday, Secretary General ^^
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
H.O.N.E.Y
Thank you for being the best thing that happened to me this semester. Without you, I wouldn't even imagine how things would have been. It is true that our friendship is somewhat different from the expected norm, yet I find no need to redefine or restructure what we have, and what we mean to each other. You are truly important, and I wouldn't even want to grade how important you are, or compare you against the rest of those who are important as well. What I know is that the moments we shared are truly special, and I would cherish the bits and snippets of those special times for a long, long time. I even miss fighting and arguing with you, I miss our walks around the IC parking lot, watching Desperate Housewives together, snacking in your room, our dinners, looking at you chop onions, listening to your corny and cheesy jokes..
You gave me a wonderful part of your life, and though we didn't meet under the best circumstances, I guess we both did make the best of it and found the best in each other. You made me happy, and although I never expected you of anything, you never disappointed me anyway.
I don't even know when I'll see you again, but you promised me that we will, and I should at least trust you enough to wait for that. As much as you tell me that I've made your life colorful, I feel the same.
Thank you for being such a sweet and best buddy to me. I miss you so much already.
You gave me a wonderful part of your life, and though we didn't meet under the best circumstances, I guess we both did make the best of it and found the best in each other. You made me happy, and although I never expected you of anything, you never disappointed me anyway.
I don't even know when I'll see you again, but you promised me that we will, and I should at least trust you enough to wait for that. As much as you tell me that I've made your life colorful, I feel the same.
Thank you for being such a sweet and best buddy to me. I miss you so much already.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I am not one to lie, and I have tried to live my life as honest as I can be, but of late, I've been lying so much without anyone knowing, well.. perhaps Joy knew a bit for occasionally, I would not be able to resist telling her what I really feel, and then the truth would be known.
But I have been trying to put up a front, to pretend that going home is not all that bad, to pretend that I am as cool as a cucumber. I made my farewells so informal, so calm, so fake.
This goodbye is the worst goodbye I've had to make but with all the uncertainties of tomorrow, I am even clueless on how I should react. Thus, I tried to make it as emotionless as I could.
And why would be going home be all that bad anyway? It is home, isn't it where I truly belong? But I felt so much the opposite. In KL's airport, at Kuching's airport.. and when I finally reached home.. it seemed as though I am a missing puzzle piece trying to fit into the last slot but unable to fit in no matter how hard one tries to place it.
I have no Joy here, and literally no joy at all. No one needs me here, but I need them so much. And I can't let anyone know how difficult it is for me, I never show them the real side of me.. they never see my tears. I wipe them away before they drop to the ground.
And I know, when I left IC, I left it for good. I mean, don't get me wrong, I might still come back, but I would come back to a different IC, one without some people but with some others. It will never be the same, never. It always changes, and it will change.
And I cry for the old IC I knew, the recent IC I still know.. I cry for the memories that seem so sweet yet one that makes me weep so bitterly. I cry for mythe todays that seem so mundane, the tomorrows that I know not what will happen. I cry while missing all my friends who seem more like family to me, for family who seem stranger than friends. I cry in longing to belong somewhere for more than just awhile, and for wanting to leave a place that they say I belong to.
And I cry, not knowing what I'm really crying for, just knowing that I can't stop the tears from flowing down my soaked cheeks.
If only I could have one more month, Charles once told me. But I know when time comes for one to leave that certain IC, it's just as predestined as when their vehicle arrives to the front of IC. It's all set, things are somehow planned for.. and our paths are somehow meant to meet, and to depart.
I love you all so much, my IC family...
But I have been trying to put up a front, to pretend that going home is not all that bad, to pretend that I am as cool as a cucumber. I made my farewells so informal, so calm, so fake.
This goodbye is the worst goodbye I've had to make but with all the uncertainties of tomorrow, I am even clueless on how I should react. Thus, I tried to make it as emotionless as I could.
And why would be going home be all that bad anyway? It is home, isn't it where I truly belong? But I felt so much the opposite. In KL's airport, at Kuching's airport.. and when I finally reached home.. it seemed as though I am a missing puzzle piece trying to fit into the last slot but unable to fit in no matter how hard one tries to place it.
I have no Joy here, and literally no joy at all. No one needs me here, but I need them so much. And I can't let anyone know how difficult it is for me, I never show them the real side of me.. they never see my tears. I wipe them away before they drop to the ground.
And I know, when I left IC, I left it for good. I mean, don't get me wrong, I might still come back, but I would come back to a different IC, one without some people but with some others. It will never be the same, never. It always changes, and it will change.
And I cry for the old IC I knew, the recent IC I still know.. I cry for the memories that seem so sweet yet one that makes me weep so bitterly. I cry for mythe todays that seem so mundane, the tomorrows that I know not what will happen. I cry while missing all my friends who seem more like family to me, for family who seem stranger than friends. I cry in longing to belong somewhere for more than just awhile, and for wanting to leave a place that they say I belong to.
And I cry, not knowing what I'm really crying for, just knowing that I can't stop the tears from flowing down my soaked cheeks.
If only I could have one more month, Charles once told me. But I know when time comes for one to leave that certain IC, it's just as predestined as when their vehicle arrives to the front of IC. It's all set, things are somehow planned for.. and our paths are somehow meant to meet, and to depart.
I love you all so much, my IC family...
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
I'm accepting defeat. I'm going back with my head bowed low, never more ashamed before. My dreams I'm surrendering to reality, harsh it is. I'm tired, I can't fight the challenge anymore. And what scares me more is that I don't even care. It's almost been a year since I've been in constant pain. Every electrifying, shocking pain just rips another piece of enthusiasm away from me. I've lost my charisma. I'm becoming someone even the dogs don't like. I may sound witty but my soul is bitter. My pain has eaten into my soul and there is nothing I can do anymore, but to accept defeat, and to go home...
I've never felt more pain, more discomfort and more challenges than being right here right now, and I still don't understand why despite all that, I refuse to go home to a safer haven. Perhaps I really am insane.
I've never felt more pain, more discomfort and more challenges than being right here right now, and I still don't understand why despite all that, I refuse to go home to a safer haven. Perhaps I really am insane.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I want to cry before I leave, for I may never come back again. But if I do return, what's the use of wasting all these precious tears?
But it is undeniable that I may never return to UP or IC in the same manner of life as I live here now. I may visit, but I may never be able to resume, or continue, or 'come back'. I'm too tired to explain, too humiliated to describe, too afraid to let them down.
I am seriously unsure of my tomorrows, and the months and years to follow.
All I know is that I am in a lot of pain, and I cannot live a normal life anymore. I need to postpone, or give up, or sacrifice in order to just, survive.
But it is undeniable that I may never return to UP or IC in the same manner of life as I live here now. I may visit, but I may never be able to resume, or continue, or 'come back'. I'm too tired to explain, too humiliated to describe, too afraid to let them down.
I am seriously unsure of my tomorrows, and the months and years to follow.
All I know is that I am in a lot of pain, and I cannot live a normal life anymore. I need to postpone, or give up, or sacrifice in order to just, survive.
Vicky Ang is falling down, falling down, falling down. My back pain is causing my nerves to twitch so much it caused me to fall down and sprain both my ankles in the previous months, but lately, even without falling or walking, my right ankle has the ability to self-sprain. I even get that when I'm just sitting down.
I'm in so much pain I no longer have the ability to describe what I'm going through to my friends. I do not know what to do, but to just hold on and endure with the madness of being disabled but the ability to look completely well.
I'm so tired. I so want to give up.
I'm in so much pain I no longer have the ability to describe what I'm going through to my friends. I do not know what to do, but to just hold on and endure with the madness of being disabled but the ability to look completely well.
I'm so tired. I so want to give up.
The awe and stupidity of my love for you...
I started loving you even before I knew that I was capable of loving again.
I loved you even more than I allowed myself to ever do so.
I loved the way I love you and I loved even more the way you make me love you so.
My heart beats for you. They rhythm it takes, the pauses, acceleration.. they all sing and hum the tune of your name.
I have no idea what I would do if I could not love you.
Knowing that you might never love back breaks my heart, but it does not crush my soul.
I know that if I love you silently, but remain as your true muse, my soul will sustain.
Loving you has brought me to challenge the impossibilities and ride with conquests of uncertainties.
And though I can still secretly love you now, I know that the inability to express has somehow mellowed my ability and capacity of fighting on.
I want to love you still, though there is no reason to do so, no benefits to obtain, no love in return.
But I would rather have that, than to lose the chance to continue loving you, for loving you makes sense of all the things I think is insane.
Come what may, E...
I loved you even more than I allowed myself to ever do so.
I loved the way I love you and I loved even more the way you make me love you so.
My heart beats for you. They rhythm it takes, the pauses, acceleration.. they all sing and hum the tune of your name.
I have no idea what I would do if I could not love you.
Knowing that you might never love back breaks my heart, but it does not crush my soul.
I know that if I love you silently, but remain as your true muse, my soul will sustain.
Loving you has brought me to challenge the impossibilities and ride with conquests of uncertainties.
And though I can still secretly love you now, I know that the inability to express has somehow mellowed my ability and capacity of fighting on.
I want to love you still, though there is no reason to do so, no benefits to obtain, no love in return.
But I would rather have that, than to lose the chance to continue loving you, for loving you makes sense of all the things I think is insane.
Come what may, E...
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Don't be so quick to judge me, you've never had to go through things as harsh as I have it.
Don't think you know me well, we might have similar blood running through us but fate had it that we had it different.
Don't even dream about telling me that I am who I am because of just what I did, there are 101 things that was definitely not part of my plan that happened because I don't have it as well as you did, and I'm not as strong as you are.
Don't use my misfortunes against me.
The words you use just don't seem human at all. All you do is to think that I want to hurt our family but are you really so insane to not see what I'm going through and try to understand and just be there for me and let me cry? Are you so crazy to think I'm that inhumane? And that selfish? No matter how much I do, how well I do it, you are just like her... you will never be able to accept me for who I really am.
Yes, I'm useless. I'm 27 and I'm not giving the family the money that is the source of our existence. Well is it not the source of our existence if every focus revolves around it?
I have shared my best days with you all, and kept my worsts secrets. And even then you still can't share my burden? This phase of my life is not what I wanted at all, why can't you just see me through it, as my family?
Since daddy died, I think the worst unit of institution that I have to deal with is this bloody family. You told me that since I want to serve so much, why don't I just serve my family? Well, I'll tell you. With all these crap that you throw my way, the LAST PEOPLE I would serve, is my family.
I just wish someone would tell me I'm adopted. Then the world and my life would make sense again.
Don't think you know me well, we might have similar blood running through us but fate had it that we had it different.
Don't even dream about telling me that I am who I am because of just what I did, there are 101 things that was definitely not part of my plan that happened because I don't have it as well as you did, and I'm not as strong as you are.
Don't use my misfortunes against me.
The words you use just don't seem human at all. All you do is to think that I want to hurt our family but are you really so insane to not see what I'm going through and try to understand and just be there for me and let me cry? Are you so crazy to think I'm that inhumane? And that selfish? No matter how much I do, how well I do it, you are just like her... you will never be able to accept me for who I really am.
Yes, I'm useless. I'm 27 and I'm not giving the family the money that is the source of our existence. Well is it not the source of our existence if every focus revolves around it?
I have shared my best days with you all, and kept my worsts secrets. And even then you still can't share my burden? This phase of my life is not what I wanted at all, why can't you just see me through it, as my family?
Since daddy died, I think the worst unit of institution that I have to deal with is this bloody family. You told me that since I want to serve so much, why don't I just serve my family? Well, I'll tell you. With all these crap that you throw my way, the LAST PEOPLE I would serve, is my family.
I just wish someone would tell me I'm adopted. Then the world and my life would make sense again.
If you do love me, why do you make it so difficult?
If you do love me, why do you make me cry?
If you do love me, why can't you just do it unconditionally?
If you do love me, why does it feel so painful?
If you do love me, why can't you accompany me through this challenging times with just love, and not other judgments that you apply?
If you do love me, why do you make me feel otherwise?
It makes me feel like you don't love me.
And if you don't love me, why did you bring me into this world?
I really never asked to be born. My life is a living hell every day as it takes.
I never asked for weak genes or to be so different, to have accident befall
me as though they were showers of blessings.
The only good thing you truly gave me was to introduce Him to me.
And if not for Him, I would have died many years ago, or even try to
end this misery now. Right here, right now.
If you can't do this JOB well, then don't. Don't pretend to do it
just because you're obliged. I'm disobliging you.
Perhaps I would hurt less if you don't love me and admit it.
If you do love me, why do you make me cry?
If you do love me, why can't you just do it unconditionally?
If you do love me, why does it feel so painful?
If you do love me, why can't you accompany me through this challenging times with just love, and not other judgments that you apply?
If you do love me, why do you make me feel otherwise?
It makes me feel like you don't love me.
And if you don't love me, why did you bring me into this world?
I really never asked to be born. My life is a living hell every day as it takes.
I never asked for weak genes or to be so different, to have accident befall
me as though they were showers of blessings.
The only good thing you truly gave me was to introduce Him to me.
And if not for Him, I would have died many years ago, or even try to
end this misery now. Right here, right now.
If you can't do this JOB well, then don't. Don't pretend to do it
just because you're obliged. I'm disobliging you.
Perhaps I would hurt less if you don't love me and admit it.
It's coming. The dreaded injection test(s) shit is heading my way. One more month. One more month before I'm wheeled into the operation theater and treated like an animal again. The pain is so unbearable I really don't know how I can bear a second round of it. Even the thought of it freaks me out, turns my body cold.
And there's not even anything after wards to take my mind away. There's no ASC to look forward to at the end of the day.. and unknowingly, then I met E after wards. But there's no that to look forward to anymore too.
I don't like self-pitying, but I'm really so afraid.. and I just want to cry.
And the end of this/ these injection test(s) only brings worse news. Confirmation on an operation I might not be able to afford, or a dragging on series of ridiculous milder treatments. Nothing that excludes pain, nothing that excludes money, nothing that excludes misery.
Sometimes I wish I could just die. Just like that. And death is also totally not excluded from the picture. Or being crippled. Or something else going wrong.
And this isn't even temporary. This pain will last forever, just lessened. And this problem and injury will constantly come back to taunt me. This is just Part One of a very long and tiring game to play - one that I never asked to be included in, one that I can't afford to play, one that I just want to call quits and end it forever. Sometimes I wish it was cancer. Then I would know it would end soon soon. Then pain won't be in vain, and there really won't be a tomorrow that I fear and don't dare to dream about anymore.
And there's not even anything after wards to take my mind away. There's no ASC to look forward to at the end of the day.. and unknowingly, then I met E after wards. But there's no that to look forward to anymore too.
I don't like self-pitying, but I'm really so afraid.. and I just want to cry.
And the end of this/ these injection test(s) only brings worse news. Confirmation on an operation I might not be able to afford, or a dragging on series of ridiculous milder treatments. Nothing that excludes pain, nothing that excludes money, nothing that excludes misery.
Sometimes I wish I could just die. Just like that. And death is also totally not excluded from the picture. Or being crippled. Or something else going wrong.
And this isn't even temporary. This pain will last forever, just lessened. And this problem and injury will constantly come back to taunt me. This is just Part One of a very long and tiring game to play - one that I never asked to be included in, one that I can't afford to play, one that I just want to call quits and end it forever. Sometimes I wish it was cancer. Then I would know it would end soon soon. Then pain won't be in vain, and there really won't be a tomorrow that I fear and don't dare to dream about anymore.
Do you really think that you can come and go whenever you like, take whatever you want and leave whatever you don't think suits.
Do you think that you can judge me however you like, tell me that I think like this or like that and take that against me.
Who are you to include me when you want to and treat me like trash when you feel like joke's at the tip of your tongue?
You're wrong to think that you can step all over my head and treat me like a convenient stop over.
I'm sorry if you think that this is what we call friendship.
For me, friendship is HARDCORE. Friendship is about true feelings, not some superficial fake mask you put on when you feel like it. It's all or nothing, you're it or you're not. It brings the benefits I give, but not just makes you another insignificant being in this world.
I'm sorry my emotions rule my relationships. I want it that way. Life is too short to pretend that there's always a next time, there's always tomorrow. For all we know, tomorrow may never come.
Do you think that you can judge me however you like, tell me that I think like this or like that and take that against me.
Who are you to include me when you want to and treat me like trash when you feel like joke's at the tip of your tongue?
You're wrong to think that you can step all over my head and treat me like a convenient stop over.
I'm sorry if you think that this is what we call friendship.
For me, friendship is HARDCORE. Friendship is about true feelings, not some superficial fake mask you put on when you feel like it. It's all or nothing, you're it or you're not. It brings the benefits I give, but not just makes you another insignificant being in this world.
I'm sorry my emotions rule my relationships. I want it that way. Life is too short to pretend that there's always a next time, there's always tomorrow. For all we know, tomorrow may never come.
It's broken again~
I got my heart broken again. It's not the first time, and I have a horrible feeling that it won't be the last. It hurts so, so much but all I'm thinking is that this is part of life. I'm treating this situation so matter-of-fact-ly that I can't seem to just cry and let it out and let it go. I just feel that I'm so sick and tired of all these stupid love games - how they start so well and end so bad and how much I get entangled in the emotional entrapment of heart-brokenness..
I want to move on, I guess I should. It's the healthier way, but before I cry and let all the pain and misery be channeled out of my system, I cannot really smile again.
What is my problem? Why can I never keep love? Maybe it's just so not meant to be. Or perhaps I'm just dumb, and irrational and unreasonable and I asked for this pain and if I try to be normal and less impulsive and silly and crazy, things will be fine. Perhaps it's all my fault. Perhaps it is.
Goodbye E. Goodbye for now.
I want to move on, I guess I should. It's the healthier way, but before I cry and let all the pain and misery be channeled out of my system, I cannot really smile again.
What is my problem? Why can I never keep love? Maybe it's just so not meant to be. Or perhaps I'm just dumb, and irrational and unreasonable and I asked for this pain and if I try to be normal and less impulsive and silly and crazy, things will be fine. Perhaps it's all my fault. Perhaps it is.
Goodbye E. Goodbye for now.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Vicky turns 27~
Wow. I'm 27 now. How time flies. I was just enjoying my teens awhile back but this is life. We move on, we age, we move on, we die.
I'm a year closer to my death bed but a year wiser, so they say.
I was with friends yesterday evening and also during the countdown. All went as perfect as I could have expected it to, despite some warring dormitory political issues. My birthday celebration that was supposed to be a social gathering for friends turned out to be a somewhat political suicide, as some viewed it. I didn't know I carried such strong political aura.
Whatever it is. As I turn 27, the walls of my dorm are clad with the dorm council's upcoming election materials. I so hate all these useless papers and stuff but I should not complain. This is politics. Oh why on my birthday? Such eyesores.
I'm happy. What more can I wish for? I'm studying something I enjoy and am passionate about, I have wonderful people around me and around the world.. My friends and family love me and support me. I'm kinda healthy, well at least I'm still alive. And.. I'm not exactly eating off the streets, so I am fine.
I just hope that I can achieve whatever I want to achieve in this lifetime and not the next. I just hope and pray that the world will indeed be a better place because I'm in it... and not the other way round.
Happy Birthday, Vicky. It's alright to be who you are as long as you know it's alright~
I'm a year closer to my death bed but a year wiser, so they say.
I was with friends yesterday evening and also during the countdown. All went as perfect as I could have expected it to, despite some warring dormitory political issues. My birthday celebration that was supposed to be a social gathering for friends turned out to be a somewhat political suicide, as some viewed it. I didn't know I carried such strong political aura.
Whatever it is. As I turn 27, the walls of my dorm are clad with the dorm council's upcoming election materials. I so hate all these useless papers and stuff but I should not complain. This is politics. Oh why on my birthday? Such eyesores.
I'm happy. What more can I wish for? I'm studying something I enjoy and am passionate about, I have wonderful people around me and around the world.. My friends and family love me and support me. I'm kinda healthy, well at least I'm still alive. And.. I'm not exactly eating off the streets, so I am fine.
I just hope that I can achieve whatever I want to achieve in this lifetime and not the next. I just hope and pray that the world will indeed be a better place because I'm in it... and not the other way round.
Happy Birthday, Vicky. It's alright to be who you are as long as you know it's alright~
Sunday, July 12, 2009
E~
I really like you. I do. You're so possible and impossible but I like you. You're so much like me that when I feel insecure, I know the answers. Yet knowing the answers does not make me more secure.
Is there going to be a tomorrow? Or are we accompanying each other through this passing phase?
I don't know and honestly, I'm too tired to find out.
If you end up as my tomorrow, I will thank God, the lucky stars and the whole world that conspired to make it happen.
And if you don't, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Is there going to be a tomorrow? Or are we accompanying each other through this passing phase?
I don't know and honestly, I'm too tired to find out.
If you end up as my tomorrow, I will thank God, the lucky stars and the whole world that conspired to make it happen.
And if you don't, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
I'm struggling between the lines of over-elation and almost depression. Times are difficult. My body and spirit are both challenging my mind. I'm gearing all positivism into the brain. Hopefully, things will be alright.
I guess the approaching birthday is making me feel insecure again. I'm turning 27, yet I'm still floating amidst here and there.
More insecurities cloud this future birthday. My 27th life might see me through my first operation. I even doubt the possibility of the operation. I'm so confused and scared.
I'm starting to wonder what I would do if my close friends walk away. Would I still be as happy as I can be now? Is this happiness real, or am I living in doubt?
I guess the approaching birthday is making me feel insecure again. I'm turning 27, yet I'm still floating amidst here and there.
More insecurities cloud this future birthday. My 27th life might see me through my first operation. I even doubt the possibility of the operation. I'm so confused and scared.
I'm starting to wonder what I would do if my close friends walk away. Would I still be as happy as I can be now? Is this happiness real, or am I living in doubt?
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Give back to nature what used to be nature for it belongs to nature.
Was eating avocados and throwing the seeds and skin into the garden in front of my room. Joy asked me what I was doing so I told her that. She agrees with me totally. ^^ and then Kuya Bernard was walking by too, so I told him the same when he asked me.
He told me I'm deep. Hah.
Was eating avocados and throwing the seeds and skin into the garden in front of my room. Joy asked me what I was doing so I told her that. She agrees with me totally. ^^ and then Kuya Bernard was walking by too, so I told him the same when he asked me.
He told me I'm deep. Hah.
Monday, June 29, 2009
What I do today, will be reflected perhaps, tomorrow? However there is just so much that I can do. If I have tried my best today, to make my tomorrow as beautiful as it can be but someone out there comes along and destroy my perfect plan, there's nothing else I can do but practice patience, tolerance and perseverance. (or depend on my spontaneous reactions?)
Nevertheless, I believe that God is good and that if I do my best today, He will be there to help me to make my tomorrow a better day as well.
In You Lord I trust, and for You Lord I offer up all my tomorrows. Help me to be patient and not live my today(s) only for my tomorrows but to savour each moment that I have been blessed with and cherish all that I have been given.
Nevertheless, I believe that God is good and that if I do my best today, He will be there to help me to make my tomorrow a better day as well.
In You Lord I trust, and for You Lord I offer up all my tomorrows. Help me to be patient and not live my today(s) only for my tomorrows but to savour each moment that I have been blessed with and cherish all that I have been given.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I'm not exactly happy today.
Why?
No. 1 My torn contact lens (still in my eye) is bugging me. I really want to take it out, rip it apart and splatter it around but I don't have my eye glasses with me, nor are there any shops opened for me to get a replacement pair. Ergh.
No. 2 I have no idea whether this whole possible relationship thing is going to work out. I know I should be patient and pray more. Sigh, the human in me is restless.
No. 3 I think I ate too much so I'm feeling bloated now. @@
No. 4 I kinda miss the good old days. Oh, who am I kidding? Charles, I miss you!!!! Where in the world are you now? (the answer is Korea, of course.. @@)
No. 5 I feel lazy even thinking about the work load waiting for me back in UP. Though I know I will somehow pull through this difficult situation, I am still doubting my true knowledge of things. Am I really grasping what I need to absorb within this 4 year time frame to be good enough to face the world out there?
Sigh. Whatever la.
Why?
No. 1 My torn contact lens (still in my eye) is bugging me. I really want to take it out, rip it apart and splatter it around but I don't have my eye glasses with me, nor are there any shops opened for me to get a replacement pair. Ergh.
No. 2 I have no idea whether this whole possible relationship thing is going to work out. I know I should be patient and pray more. Sigh, the human in me is restless.
No. 3 I think I ate too much so I'm feeling bloated now. @@
No. 4 I kinda miss the good old days. Oh, who am I kidding? Charles, I miss you!!!! Where in the world are you now? (the answer is Korea, of course.. @@)
No. 5 I feel lazy even thinking about the work load waiting for me back in UP. Though I know I will somehow pull through this difficult situation, I am still doubting my true knowledge of things. Am I really grasping what I need to absorb within this 4 year time frame to be good enough to face the world out there?
Sigh. Whatever la.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Totally unrelated and yet...
Being in Moonwalk these past few days has stirred an old memory that dates back to December 23 last year.
It was a peak season for the Filipinos to end their last minute Christmas and New Year shopping and start to find their way home. I picked Charles up from Mall of Asia and took a bus to Moonwalk, hoping to catch a jeepney back to the IMCS office to meet the rest before heading home. We were scheduled for an office outing and Charles wanted to tag along on his own expense.
Charles and I were both rather enthusiastic as we descended from the bus and walked amidst the thick crowd towards the jeepney area. However, Charles was very amused at the array of people and things for sell at the side walk and small night market area.
When we finally got to the area where catching a jeepney was as easy as counting to 10, we tried to hail passing jeepneys but failed. After many attempts, my patience was starting to wear out and I was started to get a bit tired and annoyed.
Charles asked me if it was normal for such difficulty to occur and I told him (or perhaps snapped at him @@) that it wasn't. After waiting for half an hour, I started to worry a bit. We tried to get a tricycle but couldn't find any as well. Charles started to suggest stupid ideas like hailing private tricycles or jeepneys to beg them or charter them to bring us to the office. Occasionally I ignored him but honestly, I was beginning to worry to the extend of thinking that some of his ideas were pretty good.
And when all efforts were failing and all hope was almost gone, a ordinary bus (those without air con) came by. We stopped the bus and got in. It was already rather packed when we got in but after making a few more stops, the bus was horribly packed with Filipinos of all sexes (male, female, bakla, whatever, you name it..) and demographics (okay, perhaps no rich ones but definitely of all aged groups!!!) Some were carrying life chickens or roosters and their grocery bags.. well, almost everyone had something in hand (Christmas shopping, perhaps???) It somewhat reminded me of a refugee bus. I felt like a refugee on an escape route to .. paradise?
We were of course the odd ones out. People were giving us weird stares and when it was time for us to get off the bus, I had to fall over a few grocery bags and apologize endlessly to the staring crowd.
Charles told me it was a fun experience. I rolled my eyes.
Half a year later, I look back at this experience and smile. He was right. It was fun (albeit being a bit scary @@)..
I miss hanging out with you, Charles. I do.
It was a peak season for the Filipinos to end their last minute Christmas and New Year shopping and start to find their way home. I picked Charles up from Mall of Asia and took a bus to Moonwalk, hoping to catch a jeepney back to the IMCS office to meet the rest before heading home. We were scheduled for an office outing and Charles wanted to tag along on his own expense.
Charles and I were both rather enthusiastic as we descended from the bus and walked amidst the thick crowd towards the jeepney area. However, Charles was very amused at the array of people and things for sell at the side walk and small night market area.
When we finally got to the area where catching a jeepney was as easy as counting to 10, we tried to hail passing jeepneys but failed. After many attempts, my patience was starting to wear out and I was started to get a bit tired and annoyed.
Charles asked me if it was normal for such difficulty to occur and I told him (or perhaps snapped at him @@) that it wasn't. After waiting for half an hour, I started to worry a bit. We tried to get a tricycle but couldn't find any as well. Charles started to suggest stupid ideas like hailing private tricycles or jeepneys to beg them or charter them to bring us to the office. Occasionally I ignored him but honestly, I was beginning to worry to the extend of thinking that some of his ideas were pretty good.
And when all efforts were failing and all hope was almost gone, a ordinary bus (those without air con) came by. We stopped the bus and got in. It was already rather packed when we got in but after making a few more stops, the bus was horribly packed with Filipinos of all sexes (male, female, bakla, whatever, you name it..) and demographics (okay, perhaps no rich ones but definitely of all aged groups!!!) Some were carrying life chickens or roosters and their grocery bags.. well, almost everyone had something in hand (Christmas shopping, perhaps???) It somewhat reminded me of a refugee bus. I felt like a refugee on an escape route to .. paradise?
We were of course the odd ones out. People were giving us weird stares and when it was time for us to get off the bus, I had to fall over a few grocery bags and apologize endlessly to the staring crowd.
Charles told me it was a fun experience. I rolled my eyes.
Half a year later, I look back at this experience and smile. He was right. It was fun (albeit being a bit scary @@)..
I miss hanging out with you, Charles. I do.
Friday, June 26, 2009
My back condition is serious. I am sorry to only write about this now.
I am diagnosed with 2 degenerated disc for both L3/L4 and L4/L5. On top of that, my L4/L5 disc is protruding into the nerve root - disc herniation, it's medically known.
That is the reason why I have been in pain since last October. That is also why I have been suffering back problems for the past 10 years. Occasionally I was in pain, and thinking that it was normal was wrong. I know now. You do not endure mysterious pain. There is no real mystery to pain. There is always a problem.
I've been in YCS for .. 15 years? To think that I still did not grasp the concept of Judge. I was still oblivious of going for the root cause. I was just Seeing my problem, and Acting on it. I did not Judge well.
I can think of myself as a huge failure but there's no need to go all self accusing. I should just start thinking what I should do.
I'm afraid. I've never been in so much trouble with my health before. I've always been rather 'fit'. I've never had to be on medication to stop my pain. I'm dependent on drugs now. Gee, I sound like a junkie. But I am, until I get my discs functioning again.
My ortho docs are really working hard on my case. They can't over treat me, nor under treat me. Both would cause significant damage to my situation, both physically and financially.
I am suggested total disc replacement. Yet this is to be confirmed after another round of 'discogram' - an injection test at my lumbar spinal area to test which disc is suffering from which pain to determine the functioning/ mal-functioning of my discs and the reaction it produces, making sure that it's in line with the pain I feel everyday.
A TDR costs RM 8-10k. Seriously. To which direction am I going to seek these funds from? Should I look heavenward and beg for money now? Should I pray for a miracle so no operation needs to be done? Or should I be more practical and use my brain.
I am not giving up. I have faith that I will be well again. I will be able to walk, run, jump and even wear high heels! I will be fine, one fine day.
I believe in miracles. I believe that God will not leave me astray. Through whatever means it may be, I will be healed. Somehow.
p.s. It's very difficult for me to talk about this. It is. Accepting this physical flaw has been a tremendous challenge. Yet, I need to accept it in order for me to treat it. Sigh~
Burying dead relationships
I buried 5 dead relationships of my past when I went home for summer.
Imagine that, 5. It wasn't easy.. and the ones in Kuching were more successfully buried than those in KL. I really traumatized poor souls out there. I've been a fool, I've been so crazy with my actions that I ended up hurting people more than I wanted to.
I need to be a bit more careful. I need to be a bit more focused. My life goals are slightly different from others. If they can't accompany me till the end, no matter how lonely the roads get, I need to travel alone. I won't be too lonely though, God always sends His angels to accompany me. Angels like Joy and Ava, temporary ones like Charles and Bon. I'm lucky. I should count my lucky stars and stop digging up things to complain about.
I always fall into the trap of diving head over heels in love with the wrong person. Again and again, I have. I need to be more cautious with my heart. I can't patch it up so often. The more it breaks, the more fragile it becomes. And, honestly, it's really breakable nowadays.
It's time for me to move on from my past. When I came to Phily last year, I was full of my past, full of regrets and past burdens. I've burnt all my bridges now. I've tried my best to let go. I've removed myself from old flames and old relationships. It's time to move on from my past now. Seriously.
I need to be a bit more careful. I need to be a bit more focused. My life goals are slightly different from others. If they can't accompany me till the end, no matter how lonely the roads get, I need to travel alone. I won't be too lonely though, God always sends His angels to accompany me. Angels like Joy and Ava, temporary ones like Charles and Bon. I'm lucky. I should count my lucky stars and stop digging up things to complain about.
I always fall into the trap of diving head over heels in love with the wrong person. Again and again, I have. I need to be more cautious with my heart. I can't patch it up so often. The more it breaks, the more fragile it becomes. And, honestly, it's really breakable nowadays.
It's time for me to move on from my past. When I came to Phily last year, I was full of my past, full of regrets and past burdens. I've burnt all my bridges now. I've tried my best to let go. I've removed myself from old flames and old relationships. It's time to move on from my past now. Seriously.
Oh I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't, I never should. I have Joy, I have Ava.. and I have a few others in IC who still love me. Okay, not a few others.. many others.
So yah, about 30 or more of my friends left. Okay, more than 30.. what's the BIG DEAL? I can handle goodbyes and the after days, can't I? Am I not tough?
Honestly, I'm not.
So yah, about 30 or more of my friends left. Okay, more than 30.. what's the BIG DEAL? I can handle goodbyes and the after days, can't I? Am I not tough?
Honestly, I'm not.
Musings since my return~
I left Malaysia and arrived in Philippines on June 21. Being back felt so good, so refreshing, so energizing. Yet, somehow, I felt somewhat perplexed? Or should I say my heart has been feeling restless. I received comments about me being quiet. Haha, yeah right.. Vicky and Quiet just don't match. They never did, and they never will. *pause. But am I quieter now? *reflects.
I think I am.
I feel lost. I've been fighting many obstacles and objections about not returning. I have. I guess I have been fighting so much that being back is a challenge, an obstacle. A pressure? I need to do well. I need to rescore straight As. I need to learn, I need to get myself educated. I need to do in within the allowed time frame, I need to work hard on the sides, I need to be better than before.. A million, or millions of 'I need to..'. Is this what I want to? Is this? The resounding answer of 'Yes it is' makes the whole scenario even more pressurizing than I can endure. This is what I want, this is what I've decided on, this is my life. This is what I will do.
Am I quiet because I'm tired? Am I tired because my pain is bad or because I'm on medication? Or have I lost that flame, that spirit?
I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that I miss all the people I shouldn't miss. We move on, Vicky. You should too!!!
I think I am.
I feel lost. I've been fighting many obstacles and objections about not returning. I have. I guess I have been fighting so much that being back is a challenge, an obstacle. A pressure? I need to do well. I need to rescore straight As. I need to learn, I need to get myself educated. I need to do in within the allowed time frame, I need to work hard on the sides, I need to be better than before.. A million, or millions of 'I need to..'. Is this what I want to? Is this? The resounding answer of 'Yes it is' makes the whole scenario even more pressurizing than I can endure. This is what I want, this is what I've decided on, this is my life. This is what I will do.
Am I quiet because I'm tired? Am I tired because my pain is bad or because I'm on medication? Or have I lost that flame, that spirit?
I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that I miss all the people I shouldn't miss. We move on, Vicky. You should too!!!
Am I in love with someone I should not be? Can I withstand the pressure? Can I withstand the distance? Can I withstand the .. temptation?
Hah. I'm crazy. Am I actually in the state that I think I am? Am I dreaming of the impossibilities again? Am I alone in this sandcastle dream?
Reality check, Vicky. It's time to grow up! You're not THAT young anymore. Stop dreaming, start working!!!
Hah. I'm crazy. Am I actually in the state that I think I am? Am I dreaming of the impossibilities again? Am I alone in this sandcastle dream?
Reality check, Vicky. It's time to grow up! You're not THAT young anymore. Stop dreaming, start working!!!
Quarantine.
Oh my goodness, oh why? I am not sick. I am as fit as a fiddle. Well, my back injury's internal and not air borne, so I am actually fit! Let me go for my classes, oh please..
I have been running around campus and beyond for 3 whole days, I even paid for my fees, attended 4 classes.. and finally when I attempted to attend my 5th class, my professor sent me home.
'You're a health hazard. You're a potential carrier of Influenza A (H1N1).' Gee. The only thing that links me with swine flu is that I am missing lechon and cooked pork does not transmit the disease if it's well done!
I am not sick!! I'm not! Let me attend my classes! My prof alerted my department chair, and she sent me home too. So I sneaked to the shopping center in UP and got online. After complaining and grumbling for an hour or less, I went back to my dorm and declared to my dorm manager 'M'm, my prof sent me home. I need to be quarantined for 10 days??!?!?!
Why wasn't I informed? I thought it was a horrible joke!! I feel so alienated!!' And my dorm manager laughed and told me that she forgot that she had to quarantine me.. and she started to wonder how to go about it since I have 2 roommates and it will be so unfair for Joy and Achang (new Japanese girl) if they had to be stuck in the room with me as well. Grounding me in a F wing 1st floor empty room that has no proper ventilation would send me to the sick zone even faster.. AND, if I got sick at the end of the quarantine period, they would quarantine me further! Oh, I feel so violated of my rights~
Yet, for harmony of IC and UP, I decided to leave for Avocado/ Las Pinas where quarantine is not enforced. I packed my things, took a nap while waiting for Joy to return, ate dinner with her, bid farewell to fellow concerned dorm mates, and.. left.
I'm back in Phily, yes I am. Yet what the heck am I doing away from where I'm supposed to be?
For WORLD PEACE perhaps, for the SAFETY and HEALTH WELL BEING of my fellow uni mates, I have to stay away, till Tuesday.
Imagine that, they forgot to quarantine me upon my arrival. I ran around and hugged at least 50 people and met a few hundreds, and nobody's sick! I'm not too!!! But.. I have to be quarantine, 3 days later. Nice.
Welcome back, Vicky, welcome HOME! Gah!!!
I have been running around campus and beyond for 3 whole days, I even paid for my fees, attended 4 classes.. and finally when I attempted to attend my 5th class, my professor sent me home.
'You're a health hazard. You're a potential carrier of Influenza A (H1N1).' Gee. The only thing that links me with swine flu is that I am missing lechon and cooked pork does not transmit the disease if it's well done!
I am not sick!! I'm not! Let me attend my classes! My prof alerted my department chair, and she sent me home too. So I sneaked to the shopping center in UP and got online. After complaining and grumbling for an hour or less, I went back to my dorm and declared to my dorm manager 'M'm, my prof sent me home. I need to be quarantined for 10 days??!?!?!
Why wasn't I informed? I thought it was a horrible joke!! I feel so alienated!!' And my dorm manager laughed and told me that she forgot that she had to quarantine me.. and she started to wonder how to go about it since I have 2 roommates and it will be so unfair for Joy and Achang (new Japanese girl) if they had to be stuck in the room with me as well. Grounding me in a F wing 1st floor empty room that has no proper ventilation would send me to the sick zone even faster.. AND, if I got sick at the end of the quarantine period, they would quarantine me further! Oh, I feel so violated of my rights~
Yet, for harmony of IC and UP, I decided to leave for Avocado/ Las Pinas where quarantine is not enforced. I packed my things, took a nap while waiting for Joy to return, ate dinner with her, bid farewell to fellow concerned dorm mates, and.. left.
I'm back in Phily, yes I am. Yet what the heck am I doing away from where I'm supposed to be?
For WORLD PEACE perhaps, for the SAFETY and HEALTH WELL BEING of my fellow uni mates, I have to stay away, till Tuesday.
Imagine that, they forgot to quarantine me upon my arrival. I ran around and hugged at least 50 people and met a few hundreds, and nobody's sick! I'm not too!!! But.. I have to be quarantine, 3 days later. Nice.
Welcome back, Vicky, welcome HOME! Gah!!!
Monday, May 11, 2009
my contribution to IC news, though it's not even published yet~
My IC life started in July 2008 even though I officially moved into IC on the 2nd week of November, 4 1/2 months later. The person I have to thank for all the wonderful beginnings would be Joy. I met her in one of my social work classes and he introduced me to many of my IC friends. I was also classmates with Bon, Rika, Asami, Yuko and Mariko but as I started hanging out with Joy more, I got closer to them. Meeting Ava during Filipino night, IC became my 2nd home. I hung out here so much the residents were like family even before I moved in.
Bon @ Kazusa Takemika
Somehow, when Bon and I realized that we both shared the same blood group (AB - the 'weird genius'es), we also realized that we shared similar interests and liked similar things; namely, cakes. We had similar Korean best friend-situations and we enjoyed just hanging out somewhere,anywhere.. chatting. I enjoyed many of my happy memories at the front of IC's bench. There, Bon and Joy were my companions. And very so often, I would 'borrow' the IC female's CR. I used that CR even more then the one of my boarding house at Pook Dagohoy!! The visitor's guestbook was also filled with my log ins. ^^
After moving to IC, Bon and I became room neighbours. Being 3 doors away from me, we were always together. I remember the first time we cooked our first meal together. The memory still radiates a warmth in my heart. As I lacked utensils then, we had to share many of hers. When I got mine, I shared everything with her too! We would listen to songs as we cut onions, taste each other's dishes, plan what to cook, chase away IC house cats, and take turns carrying our cooked
dishes to the 'bench'. And at the 'bench', we shared our deepest sorrows and latest updates. We were like inseparable sisters who found each other after a long time. When I was sick or extremely exhausted, Bon would visit my room; once with chocolate cake sent from her dad all the way from Japan with a cup of hot tea. Her presence in IC completed the picture of a family.
She was truly a sister to all of us. She made sure we ate, she made us tea, cooked for us and was always there to listen to our stories. On top of that, she was actively involved with her NGO works and was also the project director of UPICA. Without her by my side, I would never have managed the international night's coordination works. with her angelic smile, Bon's presence at almost every single potluck dinners, IC friends' hangout and goodbye send offs was the symbol of
the international friendship and the being of a true IC family.
Her send off at the airport on March 8 was a truly heart- wrenching experience for many of us. As 14 of us of 7 nationalities bid our farewells to Bon, our eyes and hearts teared watching her go. We created such a crying scene at the immigration to the extend that the officer asked Bon to say another last goodbye with us even after her passport was stamped. Our last group hug would forever remain in our memories as a
closing chapter of Bon's IC life.
Charles @ Lee Cheol Se
Through a mutual friend, Doo, Charles and I met outside the IC main door's bench. He was sitting on one side, and I, on another. As usual, he was practising English by himself and I thought that he was very much a weirdo! Upon our introduction, Charles and I became fast friends. Even though I told him many stories about my life back then in September 2008 during
our initial meetings, he could only absorb 30% of my conversation. After hanging out for a month or so, he started to understand me better - to a point of 70%!!! Charles and I hung out everyday and through these sessions, he learnt his share of English and I gained a companion. We met every single day to the extend that we were like each other's shadows. People used us to track each other's whereabouts. When a very good friend left at the end of October, Charles stood by
me as I painfully said my first 'IC goodbye'. Coincidentally at that time, Ava, Bon and Joy were all not around. It was then that I realized that though he may not always come up with the best phrases or sweetest comment, he was truly my IC best friend - for he truly realized the phrase of 'a friend in need is a friend indeed'.
With my back injury that worsened in October, Charles helped me with my daily chores - laundry, shopping, carrying my bags etc. We shopped for Christmas and Valentine day cards together, we spent numerous big celebrations with each other's company and countless dinners and outings through the 6 month duration of our friendship. Through tedious preparations for Korean night and International night, our friendship was challenged as we spent less time together. However, the success of both 'nights' with our somewhat significant contributions made us feel so proud of each other's hard work. Charles tagged along even hen I met friends from outside IC and joined my NGO office Christmas outing to Baguio as well. I do admit that in many
ways, I was very dependant on him. Yet with a new romantic relationship that he found during his stay in IC, my IC best friend did not neglect me.
After minor arguments and disagreements, I tried so hard to depart from this 'temporary' friendship that doesn't seem to have a happy ending. I knew that when he left, it would tear me apart if I continued to be so dependant on him. I would be the one who's left behind to roam the familiar places, alone again. Nevertheless, as my roommate Danee puts it, I would be so selfish to deprive him of a friendship he has so sincerely offered. And so, despite the possibility of getting hurt when he eventually had to leave, I let down my guard and erased the lines I drew
to protect myself from truly being a friend and from being emotionally attached with a person.
Charles was a people's person. He was friendly with everyone in IC. His bubbly personality contributed much to a more cheerful atmosphere in IC. As we said our goodbyes on March 7, I had to steady myself for one of the worst days of my life. And as I walk around UP campus or IC grounds without my 'shadow', my eyes find it impossible to remain dry.
Goodbyes in IC are worse than breakups. I'm serious. A break up usually ends on a bad note or the fact that you have mutually agreed to part ways and end the relationship. However, IC goodbyes are one which you part because you have to - because a party needs to go home. And as you reluctantly cook your last dish for some one's farewell party, or drink your last bottle of San Mig during your last 'barkada' outing, you hold on to beautiful memories that you have shared and promises of future reunions and visits. You feel no sore remorse or regret for your past experiences together.
And you can't let go off such enriching bitter sweet moments shared. Unlike a break up, you have no reason to ditch these memories and let go...
Yes, it is true that there is a way to protect yourself from feeling all these sadness and emotional turmoil. You could numb yourself to goodbyes, you could choose to not care so much, set boundaries and barriers.. There are so many formulas of what to do and what not to do. Nevertheless, formulas might exist but these are humanly emotions. There are no straight
cut formulas to defend one's self against the hellos and goodbyes of an IC relationship. Our relationship runs deep, we're not just friends.. we are a family.
Note from the contributor: The 2 previous IC residents were chosen to be 'highlights' of this article based on very personal encounters. However, it doesn't mean that these personal encounters may not be repeated in other relationships in IC. Pause for a moment, think for awhile... don't those shared memories sound familiar? It could be of similar experiences you have shared with your IC friend(s). And if you have no recall of such memories with another IC resident, it might be time for you to join the next IC event!!!
p.s. Kimchi brothers, Sushi sisters and to any of my friends who are leaving as well.. not featuring you in this article does not mean I love you less!!! You know I love you girls/guys ^^
this was written in March 2009 after Charles and Bon left.
Bon @ Kazusa Takemika
Somehow, when Bon and I realized that we both shared the same blood group (AB - the 'weird genius'es), we also realized that we shared similar interests and liked similar things; namely, cakes. We had similar Korean best friend-situations and we enjoyed just hanging out somewhere,anywhere.. chatting. I enjoyed many of my happy memories at the front of IC's bench. There, Bon and Joy were my companions. And very so often, I would 'borrow' the IC female's CR. I used that CR even more then the one of my boarding house at Pook Dagohoy!! The visitor's guestbook was also filled with my log ins. ^^
After moving to IC, Bon and I became room neighbours. Being 3 doors away from me, we were always together. I remember the first time we cooked our first meal together. The memory still radiates a warmth in my heart. As I lacked utensils then, we had to share many of hers. When I got mine, I shared everything with her too! We would listen to songs as we cut onions, taste each other's dishes, plan what to cook, chase away IC house cats, and take turns carrying our cooked
dishes to the 'bench'. And at the 'bench', we shared our deepest sorrows and latest updates. We were like inseparable sisters who found each other after a long time. When I was sick or extremely exhausted, Bon would visit my room; once with chocolate cake sent from her dad all the way from Japan with a cup of hot tea. Her presence in IC completed the picture of a family.
She was truly a sister to all of us. She made sure we ate, she made us tea, cooked for us and was always there to listen to our stories. On top of that, she was actively involved with her NGO works and was also the project director of UPICA. Without her by my side, I would never have managed the international night's coordination works. with her angelic smile, Bon's presence at almost every single potluck dinners, IC friends' hangout and goodbye send offs was the symbol of
the international friendship and the being of a true IC family.
Her send off at the airport on March 8 was a truly heart- wrenching experience for many of us. As 14 of us of 7 nationalities bid our farewells to Bon, our eyes and hearts teared watching her go. We created such a crying scene at the immigration to the extend that the officer asked Bon to say another last goodbye with us even after her passport was stamped. Our last group hug would forever remain in our memories as a
closing chapter of Bon's IC life.
Charles @ Lee Cheol Se
Through a mutual friend, Doo, Charles and I met outside the IC main door's bench. He was sitting on one side, and I, on another. As usual, he was practising English by himself and I thought that he was very much a weirdo! Upon our introduction, Charles and I became fast friends. Even though I told him many stories about my life back then in September 2008 during
our initial meetings, he could only absorb 30% of my conversation. After hanging out for a month or so, he started to understand me better - to a point of 70%!!! Charles and I hung out everyday and through these sessions, he learnt his share of English and I gained a companion. We met every single day to the extend that we were like each other's shadows. People used us to track each other's whereabouts. When a very good friend left at the end of October, Charles stood by
me as I painfully said my first 'IC goodbye'. Coincidentally at that time, Ava, Bon and Joy were all not around. It was then that I realized that though he may not always come up with the best phrases or sweetest comment, he was truly my IC best friend - for he truly realized the phrase of 'a friend in need is a friend indeed'.
With my back injury that worsened in October, Charles helped me with my daily chores - laundry, shopping, carrying my bags etc. We shopped for Christmas and Valentine day cards together, we spent numerous big celebrations with each other's company and countless dinners and outings through the 6 month duration of our friendship. Through tedious preparations for Korean night and International night, our friendship was challenged as we spent less time together. However, the success of both 'nights' with our somewhat significant contributions made us feel so proud of each other's hard work. Charles tagged along even hen I met friends from outside IC and joined my NGO office Christmas outing to Baguio as well. I do admit that in many
ways, I was very dependant on him. Yet with a new romantic relationship that he found during his stay in IC, my IC best friend did not neglect me.
After minor arguments and disagreements, I tried so hard to depart from this 'temporary' friendship that doesn't seem to have a happy ending. I knew that when he left, it would tear me apart if I continued to be so dependant on him. I would be the one who's left behind to roam the familiar places, alone again. Nevertheless, as my roommate Danee puts it, I would be so selfish to deprive him of a friendship he has so sincerely offered. And so, despite the possibility of getting hurt when he eventually had to leave, I let down my guard and erased the lines I drew
to protect myself from truly being a friend and from being emotionally attached with a person.
Charles was a people's person. He was friendly with everyone in IC. His bubbly personality contributed much to a more cheerful atmosphere in IC. As we said our goodbyes on March 7, I had to steady myself for one of the worst days of my life. And as I walk around UP campus or IC grounds without my 'shadow', my eyes find it impossible to remain dry.
Goodbyes in IC are worse than breakups. I'm serious. A break up usually ends on a bad note or the fact that you have mutually agreed to part ways and end the relationship. However, IC goodbyes are one which you part because you have to - because a party needs to go home. And as you reluctantly cook your last dish for some one's farewell party, or drink your last bottle of San Mig during your last 'barkada' outing, you hold on to beautiful memories that you have shared and promises of future reunions and visits. You feel no sore remorse or regret for your past experiences together.
And you can't let go off such enriching bitter sweet moments shared. Unlike a break up, you have no reason to ditch these memories and let go...
Yes, it is true that there is a way to protect yourself from feeling all these sadness and emotional turmoil. You could numb yourself to goodbyes, you could choose to not care so much, set boundaries and barriers.. There are so many formulas of what to do and what not to do. Nevertheless, formulas might exist but these are humanly emotions. There are no straight
cut formulas to defend one's self against the hellos and goodbyes of an IC relationship. Our relationship runs deep, we're not just friends.. we are a family.
Note from the contributor: The 2 previous IC residents were chosen to be 'highlights' of this article based on very personal encounters. However, it doesn't mean that these personal encounters may not be repeated in other relationships in IC. Pause for a moment, think for awhile... don't those shared memories sound familiar? It could be of similar experiences you have shared with your IC friend(s). And if you have no recall of such memories with another IC resident, it might be time for you to join the next IC event!!!
p.s. Kimchi brothers, Sushi sisters and to any of my friends who are leaving as well.. not featuring you in this article does not mean I love you less!!! You know I love you girls/guys ^^
this was written in March 2009 after Charles and Bon left.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)