Let's go drinking, Boo. Let's go drinking tonight. Let's puke our guts out as well.

I need my old self back. Yet I'm scared to be my old self again. I'm tired of getting so worked up for nothing.

Stop crying already and move on with your plans, Vicky. You're so weak daddy would roll in his grave looking at your pathetic sight.

You won't want to see another girl crying but you'd let me cry instead. What kind of love IS this?

I need a bloody break and I know I'll get one soon enough but 'soon enough' just seems too far away for now.
I'm breaking apart and I've reached my limit. I wonder how long more can I take all these shit before I slowly fade away.

Hah. I'm still the one in your heart...

Lobbying between the both of you seems to be the only option. Yet why do I feel that I'm always still being unfair to one party?

The answer rings aloud. One can never serve two masters. So why me?

It's time to move on. Plans need to be made and goodbyes need to be said. I've stayed long enough, longer than I should have. It's time to pick up my guts, whatever that's left, and gracefully excuse for departure.

I'm leaving all my emotions behind. I'm leaving all that I've built behind. I'm leaving my insanity behind.

Insomaniac.

I can't sleep. I've not been sleeping, all these thoughts seem to run wild in my head, battling among themselves. I've not felt more lost, or confused before. All these disturbing options, all the insane ideas.

I need to get a grip of myself. I need to remain sane.

Am I torturing myself in this manner to forget the pain I still feel from losing daddy? Or am I just a maniac who endless and sadistically enjoy the bliss of agony?

Is this love?

What's love? How does it actually feel like? Do you go all psycho over the smallest things and stay calm at the largest ones? Do you smile when there's no reason to, yet cry when things are alright? Do you feel pain, or pure joy? I really don't know what love is all about anymore.

Here goes a toast.

A toast to my beloved friends whom I call my USJ2 'old' family members.

For being there during the best moments of my life, and the worst ones as well.

For being there at the very best moment of my life, and the worst of the worst - all in a matter of 12 hours.

I love you guys and you guys mean the world to me. I am freaking lucky to be part of your lives.

I turned 25.

And so I did.

Speak, heart, speak!

Whose name is it that echoes in you? Whose, actually?

Oh, Sunshine..

I'm feeling very lost now, very insecure as well. My dreams seem so far away, so out of reach, so beyond reality.

And when I needed someone to be there for me, Sunshine was still there. Radiating as usual, not abandoning me in the least way. Though going through exam period, Sunshine's still shining.

Oh what have I done? I can't turn back now. Taking this step for the future, I need to be firm. But why am I doubting my actions? Am I really so scared of life and my future? Am I really so dependent on Sunshine? Or has the years of being together crippled me in some areas of life?

I can't turn back, there's no turning back. The bridges have been burnt, by me. All by me.

You, me. You, her, Me, her. Me, him. You, her. You, no.. no him. You, them.. Me, them.

Do I really want us to just be us? Is this what I seek for, the challenge? Life as a bitch?

I so want to be with you, but I know it's all an illusion. A mirage of something I create yet not want to possess. I want your today and a little bit of your tomorrow... but I doubt I'll want to be part of your happily ever after.

The only person not letting me go is myself. How do I face an enemy that I only can see when looking into the mirror, or into a pool of water?

To love you is to accept who you are, really.. The good and the bad, the laughter and the temper, the pimples and the burps, the lonely days and the days when you walk with your hand entwined with mine.

I have so often picked on your flaws, expected you to do what you couldn't possible do and found fault in you. That isn't very fair now, is it?

Why couldn't I just sit back, relax, and see all the little things you do for me with all your heart? Why can't I just interpret all your gentle touches and caresses, your mighty hugs, your sinking kisses? Why can't I feel love from all that, knowing you wouldn't speak of it doesn't mean you don't feel it?

I miss you so much.

Hush now, listen to my soul cry for sanity and beautiful days with nice beautiful skies..

Jane was admitted into the hospital yesterday evening. She has always been superb for our family even before I was born, the day she joined us in 'service'. Having a nanny so great and so loving was like having another parent. Now that her legs are in severe pain and causing her absurd problems, she has to succumb to age and reality as well. I feel so useless, what am I still doing here anyway? I can't be there for her, I can't even pay for her bills, I can't do anything for someone who has done so much for me all my life. I feel so bloody helpless. Their life meters run low and I'm still incapable of taking care of them, of shielding them from life's cruelty. When will I ever be ready?


And I no longer know who to share these pains with.

Can we go to sleep now?

Why does it have to be so hard for us to move on? The roads of tomorrow run long and far, how do we walk them feeling so empty inside? Will time heal? Will all be fine one day soon - Will I be able to let you go soon? Will I be able to take my meds without you reminding me?

I need out yet I'm too weak to crawl past the doorway. Or am I just too afraid of what's outside?

Why does it hurt so bad? Why do you make me cry?

I've said this before and I'm saying this again...

I - need - to - get - out - of - here.

If all were lies and the truth lies unknown, why bring me up to heaven when you're best at torturing me in hell?

I'm getting another tatoo and it will be a present from damn close friends. Cambodian temple flowers, that's what I want this time.

Your rack I possess yet your soul lies with her. How do I face the later ons?

There's you, there's me. There's the other two parties as well. When will life get a bit less complicated and a bit easier?

When a door shuts, another opens. In my case, it seems more like a window than a door.. but I'm in this horribly tall tower, and the window's my only option. Do I climb through it and leap to nothingness, or should I stay and starve my soul to death?

A little more..

Life has always been good for me but things have been trying lately. I never meant to hurt you, nor do I want to leave you but I don't see better alternatives than to end this. It's painful but it has to happen, it's either now or in the future when we will hurt more.

I never expected daddy to leave us so suddenly, nor do I expect to be the one who will be picked by mommy to take care of her in the future. I can't be so selfish as to not take care of her just because of my love life. Mommy is even willing to wait for me to finish my studies abroad, and even to to the extend of following me around to pursue my dreams. With that selfless attitude of hers, how can I be even more selfish than I already am?

I am sorry. Those words mean crap but that's exactly how I feel, sorry. I know hope was given after we patched up 3 years back but situations are so different now. Daddy is gone, our anchor is gone. I need to start taking up certain responsibilities in my life.

I've not always been faithful and LDR just doesn't work for me. I can't just leave and expect you to wait for me knowing that I might never return. I can't bring you along, I can't leave you behind.. and to end this seems like the only option now.

You've been a wonder to me, you've always been good and I will always love you. But as I've said and now say again, I'm sorry.

Boo, I'm so, so sorry.

It’s really hard, it really is but I can’t do this to you anymore. I need to let you go so I won’t hurt u anymore. You’ve been hurt enough and I can’t go on being selfish. I know you’re hurting, and I know it hurts but I do hope you’ll smile again. I do hope you will let this devil – me, let you go to find your true happiness.

Remember the song ‘Hate me’? Well, Boo.. I dedicate this song to you from the bottom of my heart. I’m sorry, please forgive me.