Gawd, what a turn of events and the unsuspected and unexpected occurance. I need a floor, I'm floating too far and too high or melting to the depths of bliss - not heights, but depths.

I need some air.

I'm reconsidering my choices. I'm choosing my dreams. I'm choosing this once and for all. Set love free, set Boo free. Go with the flow, achieve my dreams and live life happy for that. Just wish I didn't have to hurt anyone.

It's so hard to love me. It's so good to be loved by me, I do know.. yet so, so hard to love me back. I hurt those that I love, unwillingly.. yet I do so.

Where's my tomorrow? Where do I buy maps for the future? My future?

I'm flying so high I can practically hear the singing of the angels.. Yet why am I tearing up? If this isn't wrong, why am I feeling so confused?

There won't be an expected future anyway. Why bother thinking of being normal?

I'm not thinking with my head, I'm thinking too much with my heart. My life's so choked full of emotions now. I'm drowning in this hurricane of feelings.

Are you feeling as happy as I am?

Having you in my life has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Why such a wrong timing, why so late? Why if we're meant to be are things still looking so complicated?

How do I not love you when you're so, so much like my father that I've lost?

Life's so unfair.

While I'm floating on cloud nine - there's someone hitting the pits of hell, there's someone dying, there's someone crying, there's someone trying to end his life, there's someone feeling unloved, there's someone feeling lost, there's someone suffering from insomnia, there's someone falling out of love..

I feel that I'm so selfish yet I don't know what else to do.

How can someone have the power to control my emotions so? Elation is so wonderful I can't sleep another wink. Just having your silky smooth hand wrapped around mine, life turns to bliss? Am I dreaming or am I living my dreams?

We were just friends.. what are we now? What have we become?

Oh, what if...

I watched 'Sophie Scholl' today. In many ways I'm truly disturbed at mankind's history, present and future. We lived among war, we live among war.. will we live among war again?

I wake up every morning at 7.30. My war's the traffic jam to work. I battle at work and retire in the evenings. My day ends with drinks and chats with friends. Who but myself benefits from this routine I call life?

The calling's here again. I feel it and I don't know how to turn this down once more. What I should do remains a blur, yet the urge is strong.. the urge is there - just like how it was when I watched 'Contant Gardener'.. or 'War Stories' or even 'V for Vendetta'.

I have always been weaked when it came to truly fighting for what I believed in. I guess I fear death in some very absurd way. I hate saying goodbyes. I fear that fighting for my deepest beliefs will drive me further away from my loved ones.. perhaps even drive me six feet under.

It can't be such coincidence that I am exactly how a political rebel would be - brought up in a liberal family, a rebel at heart, positive by nature, emotionally driven, academically fair, very loud, very outspoken, very egoistic and very determined... should I mention my lack of interest in things that are neither here nor there yet my career seems to wooble around like a cup of Jell-O. Am I meant for different things? Should I free my soul from normality? Should I finally take up my stand? But how...?

I am willing, but lost. I would, but I know not how.. and it truly saddens me to be such a chicken shit.

Oh God, help me.

A note to you.

Dearest Xerxes

You've always been there for me through the best and worst days from as long as I can remember you being in my life. And I've been truly happy. I know our days are coming to an end and I really don't want it to, but I know I can't be selfish and I should let you go.

You mean a whole lot to me, more than you would ever know and I thank you for being you and I thank you for accepting me for who I am, and I thank you for your presence.

I want you to be happy too. I want you to be really happy in life for you have given me so much happiness and I don't know how to return the same to you. You deserve someone who would really love you and though I would want to, I'm incapable of doing so.

So when the time is right, it's alright for you to leave me. I wouldn't blame you, nor would I be too sad.. for if leaving me means a better and brighter tomorrow for you, I'd rather be left behind than to hold you back. Though I would be sad without you to hold my hand through the future days, I'd be sadder to see you sad. Please understand how important you are to me, and how much it'll hurt to have your missing presence in my life..

I wish you the best and I hope you'll always keep our cherished moments as good memories deep in your heart, just as I would.

No matter what happens, you'll always have a place in my heart. And you'll always be my no. 1 guy.

Different friends play different roles in my life. I'm just glad for all of them.

All I want is to be close to you, to have you near me, to talk to you and to be with you for as long as I can.. but all I'm doing is driving you away. I don't understand why. Please tell me why?

It's been so, so long but you're still in my dreams. Why? Why you?

Hah
I'm tired from work, tired of work.. more tired than tired and I think that's call exhausted.

But I'm alright, I'm still smiling.

Just a bit messed up with relationship issues now. It's all my doing la. So I'll just undo what I've done in due time.

Damn. No streamyx at home. Life's so different without internet once you get used to having the it around.

I want to go off soon!! Philippines count down.. 1 month, 3 weeks.

Leave me, let me be. Your promises are empty anyway. My tears left unwiped, my body shaken by more tears unshed.

You'll eventually walk away, why bother walking in at the first place?

No joy left, no laughter rung with truth. I'm just pretending, can't you guess? Why be happy when my heart's so broken, so incomplete?

Let go off my hand, drop me to the bottom of the cliffs. Don't looking when all you're searching for is someone I'd never be.

I could dance before, even smile.. There's nothing left but bitterness inside.

Why do I feel so, so down?

Daddy, you'll always be on my mind, in my heart and forever alive in my memories. I love you so much. Still missing you.