And again.

Well, it seemed real bad when dad was admitted into the hospital but I was a bit relieved when I was in Kuching. Seeing him and being by him helped, at least I knew his condition. It's like ertie and I reversed roles now. She's there and I'm here and she's telling me how he is.

He's in the hospital again. Due to low count for red blood cells he's feeling breathless so he needs more blood transfused and the oxygen machine.

It's just not easy to sit around and see messages appearing on my handphone not knowing whether it's from some friends inviting me out for yumcha sessions or whether it's from my family. I want the best news, of course but I know that's impossible so soon.

Oh how am I supposed to go off to Thailand now... Maybe I should just cancel?? But YCS means a lot too, and this is one big opportunity to be YCS again.

More mind boggling shit. Well, even if I'm not in Thailand, I would be here in Subang right? The soonest I can be home is most probably April, for Dad's birthday thing IF he's all well and stuff..

I'm rambling and as I do I feel all these emotions jolt up and down and all over, nauseous. Just what am I supposed to feel right now??? * sigh

There are times these days that I really try to be happy, but I just can't. Maybe I'm too free or maybe happiness just isn't what I'm supposed to feel right now and it's okay to not be SO HAPPY. Yeah, maybe

I can't wait to get out of here. All these happy, lazing activities seem too nice for me. I need a challenge and I need to see the world- out- there. :P So maybe it's just Malacca, N9 and Johore but it still seems like a 'big' world- out- there.

Exhaustion will restrain unwanted thoughts, it always does.

Ooo.. my passport's made. 6 crisp 50 bucks notes surrendered to the immigration. Tomorrow I'll possess a document to fly me away, far- far- away.. Okie.. so maybe it's just Thailand but it also seems really far... :P Travelling the globe's also an option now with that book. :)

Thoughts during bedtime. Part One.

It's not easy to be alone in a big city without any family members. Ertie leaving for home this morning really leaves me to fend for myself now. At least I have my USJ family... Still feeling crummy though.

Self Awareness Campaign

Erm.. Please help.

Oh yeah, erm.. Thanks Just for baking my nachos under the sun and for enlightening me on the what 'o chien' really means.

There are times when you WANT to see someone and you DON'T.
There are also times when you DO NOT WANT to see that person AT ALL and you DO so OFTEN you feel SICK.

I felt that today. Ew.

Climax of the journey and the celebrations afterwards.

Feb 18, 2006

The convocation officially marked the end of my 2 1/2 years journey for my Diploma in Photography. I truly enjoyed myself and did not trip or do anything truly stupid during the entire afternoon!

Ertie, Wah and Sunshine came for my convo as my guests. Well, it's pretty obvious Dad, Mom, Jerome and Jane cannot make it le. Anyway, I knew I had to make the whole thing worth
my money collected during CNY's angpao so I tried to enjoy and I did. Ertie gave me money put nicely in a ring box in a nice paper bag with a bottle of perfume from Body Shop. Nice.. :) Sunshine gave me a bouquet of yellow roses with graduating SNOOPY! Got a pig from Fiona and a clip. Just, later in the evening, gave me a nice cheese cake that Jov never waited for me to cut. Hmm.. Typical piggish behaviour la - Note : Accepting a friend for who she is is very important.


The Ceremony

S'ze was the first to get her scroll. Just and I hooted and made hooligan noises, very unethical but very us. :) Hooted a few more times for close friends and yelled Just's name so loud the MC looked at me (and when she saw me, smiled. :P) Got onto the stage panicking over stupid things like tripping, not smiling at the right camera and forgetting to shake the YB's hand. They called my name (I don't even know if they pronounced the last word properly, whatever le..) and the crowd hooted and cheered. BANGGA. Walked forward. Shook hands, held the scroll, smiled. Okay, over and done with. No tripping over funny things, good.

Next was the Awards thingy. They mentioned some stuff bout me while I walked up the stage slowly (didn't want to trip over le..) and the crowd hooted and cheered again. :) HAPPY. Oh yeah, I did this vibrating half wave thing to the crowd every single time I got onto the stage. :) Hehe. Did the same procedure, smiled at cameras and took the plate and envelope from the principal (I think!). Nice plate. After the other person got her award, the person before and after me and I stood in the middle of the stage pretending to talk to the YB and the principal as people started taking pictures. Okay, erm.. nice???

And then it was time for the speech. Was a bit nervous. I probably gave my best shot for a speech, ever and it could have been my best speech but I doubt it was videotaped. It's okay, I kept the script! :) (Just will tell me I'm overly semangat for this) I really wanted to feel for this speech and I did. Thanked everyone as personally as I could and really meant every word I said. Am just a bit sad Dad, Mom, Jane and Jerome weren't there. Oh yeah, and Che too. Well, erm.. people seemed to think the speech was well said so I got nice claps and 3 strangers and some lecturers telling me it was a good speech after that with some nice praises. :) NICE FEELING.

Some press people asked for my Chinese name and took the pics of me and the 2 other award winners. And we were almost forgotten for the Group Pic.

The food was okay though Just and Sunshine think it was horrible. More pics and more pics and more, more, more and it was over.


The Thanksgiving Service

The priests all ran away (retreat le, actually) so we had a service at SFX. Especially went for thanksgiving and a weekend mass. Cried badly after Communion releasing all the fear about Daddy's situation. Overall service was OK.


The Dinner

Dinner was superly duperly yummilicous. Ertie and Wah paid for yummy crabs cooked with salted egg yolk, noodles with super big prawns, toufu and funny vege to celebrate my erm.. success??? It was very, very nice and very, very expensive for a meal. :) Enjoyed tremendously and will try to save up to treat them here again in the future!!


* Rain fell, Sunshine set for awhile. Gee.


The Yumcha Session

Just, Jov, Rick and I had the cheesecake Just gave to me for this Convo at Wing's in Bandar Puteri. Drank some nice drink with it and sent out TQ messages to lecturers.


Some nice messages

Glo, Meh and Nic sent me nice messages coz they couldn't be around. Peter, as he was sent to Penang for a Roadshow (WHAT???!?!??!?!) also sent a very, extremely, sweet message. He's the bestest lecturer in MSC now! Papa Kelvin, of course, sent a nice message and was present at the convo and stayed for my speech! And Fiona too… There were also other lecturers who sent pretty nice messages but we won't ‘visit’ that area this time round... :)


Chili's

And I was treated to a very delicious dinner at Chili's by Sunshine. Had juicy lamb and creamy nachos with super creamy broccoli cheese soup and juices! KISSES!!!!


What more could I ask for? (Well, I know I could ask for more but not this time..) This convo was better than ever! Am so, so HAPPY!!!!!!!!!! and touched and grateful to God for everything.

p.s. And I thank everyone for making this event POSSIBLE and a HUGE CELEBRATION!

Feb 17, 06

Left Kuching Friday night. Supposed to fly at 9.50 pm but the flight was delayed till 11.20. Amused myself walking around, being a chimney, going to the yucky toilet and writing my convo speech. :) Used the AirBus back, aduh.. no reclining seats! Reached KL 1.10 am! slept really late-early... 4...

* Was hard to leave Kuching le. Daddy gave me a big hug goodbye and waved to me from his hospital bed. Broke my heart eh. Am sad I can't be there for him anymore but am glad was here this week, the least I could do.

Jerome's Wedding - Feb 16, 2006

My pet bro got married today. His wedding was pretty simple and sweet; and the wedding dinner.. blasting with karaoke but still sweet.

As my other friends and I gathered really closed together around the table during dinner (there were 12 of us at the table instead of 10..), some with their significant other, I realised how much older everyone has grown. 9 years ago we were all so crappy. That evening, I was practically the only crappy one left. :) Some of them still 'layan'ed me le but that's about it. :) I laughed so much I couldn't eat at the end. Was too breathless to chew. :) It's good to have a gathering like that but hey, one of us has gotten married. Who's next?


Some bits to share..

Highlight of the wedding dinner: Roasted to perfection - Suckling Pig. :)

Best Karaoke Singer of the wedding dinner: Some guy who sang 'Ho Lu Zhi Pa Ban' (give you 1 million in Hokkien).


Most packed table at the wedding dinner: Table No. 3 :) My table le.

Most 'RED' person at the wedding dinner: Me. My friends said that my scarf looked more red than the really red deco at the wedding place.

Road Bully Alert - BEU 7182

"Gee. I was just driving my small car heading home, okay? Don't have to push me around just because your car's bigger than my car!!! "

Nearly got banged badly when a car (I don't even know the make!!) swerved out and almost gave me the s***. Lucky I had ample space to swerve to the left as well. Swerve was so violent I banged my right arm against the interior side of the car door. *Ouch! All because he was impatient and couldn't wait for his turn while someone in front took a U turn. Gee! I was just minding my business on my lane!

If any of you ever see that car, please honk him or something. My honk sounded pathetically annoying, I think I should change it to some folk horn or some kind of blasting ears horn or something!

Am just glad I'm still alive. Failing to swerve might have landed me at the hospital! *Phew.

I feel so...

1. sleepy

2. tired

3. bored

4. lonely

5. worried

Can all of the above be reasons to make me a teeny bit depressed??? I'm trying to not fall into despair.

Daddy's Little Angel

My dad's got a pet bird blue and white. Angel's her name and she's very intelligent for a bird with a pea size brain.

If the day shines and she's not out at her usual spot under the tree, she gets pissed. She'll chirp a lot in a scolding manner as you transfer her out late.

Birds are usually pretty dumb but she knows the people around her. She recognises my parents, nanny and brother but not the rest of us girls as we're usually not around. She won't really let strangers near her, she'll just flutter and fly away to the other side if you get too near.

Unlike her friends who died years before her, Angel has been with the family for 5 long years. Daddy's very fond of her and is planning to keep only her as a pet and release the rest when the house undergo major cleaning up of the garden.

Am glad that we've got a smart bird after all..

p.s. Why the post on a bird?? I dunno le.. Just feel like writing about the bird.

Necessary.

I need to write this le.

V day is good when:-

1. Your buddy who wakes up in the afternoon especially crawls out of bed before 10 to submit your assignment for you by walking many kms and risk getting chewed by dogs and hooted at by perverts who drive big lorries. She also risks getting harassed by crazy young kids.

2. You get messages from friends bout V day with hearts and angels :P

3. You forward the heart messages to more friends and find that you have at least 20 closed ones to send to.. Not bad leh..

4. You feel that not celebrating is alright after all.

I used to feel depressed when I couldn't celebrate in the past. Now, it's okay. :) It's not that I can't, I guess it's that I can't in another way lo.. I still know 'the person' loves me. Right?
* Ahem. :P (Oi person, if you do, comment anonymously ah... :PPPPP)

V Day this year was special. It was spent in the hospital tending to my dad that I love so much with all my heart. He has always taken care of me since young, providing me with anything necessary and even things that I wanted which weren't necessary. The least I could do is to battle through this with him.

V Day dinner was pretty unique too. I had char kuey tiao at Kenyalang's Nyap Kiang with mom. Talking bout holidays and stuff. :)

I am happy. At least I got to spend V Day with people I love and people who loves me.

V Day 2006

February 14, 2006 - Feast of St. Valentine @ Day of Love

What makes today so special to proclaim one's love for another anyway? I guess if you're the type that celebrates monthsaries (how do I spell it le??) V day wouldn't mean much to you.

The flowers are priced extremely high today, and the days before. So are things related to love - chocolates, accessories, perfume.. you name it. Money's wasted on commercialised 'love items'. So why bother?

Today's just a day out of 365 days to proclaim your love. If my better half were to buy me flowers and lovey things today but make life miserable for me the rest of the 364 days, I would rather me suffering today on a LOVE day and be happy for the rest of year.

Recalling V day 2 years ago when an incident occurred between me and 'you know who you are' a.k.a 'it's who you think it is'. I was annoyed at the position where I had to put friendship and my relationship at a crossroad. Lobbying between friends and a lover sucks so I put my feet and arms and everything down - threw a mad tantrum and demanded for autonomy. I got my way and things became much better afterwards. So you see, V day can be a day to fight and set the unjust ways right to make the rest of the year better days to be! It's not just a day to buy lots of things and show you love the person when other days are spent tolerating or annoying each other.

I don't think we should see V day's commercial side of the story but emphasise on loving our partners and being for the person through thick or thin, through better or worse. Why flowers or chocolates or gifts when what V day really means is to truly love??

Trip Two - East Coast !!

KL - Kuantan (Feb 7, 2006)

Slept over at Fiona's the day before so woke up in an air- con room feeling excited and ready to go!! Picked her mom up after snacking and left heading to Karak Highway (*spooky music SFX).
Stopped by Bentong for a wan tan mee and some pic taking before hitting the East Coast Highway. :) Was fun, truly. Stopped by Gambang as well, a town with lots of restaurants and super old buildings! Reached Kuantan and did the hotel search thing after finding out that the hotel we booked was pretty horrible looking. Settled for Classic which had a very classical toilet that required us taking our baths on the balcony of the building. Duh, of course it was sealed up and the general public is kept from sight but you can listen to cars zooming by 24 hours. Wonderful eh? Btw, the street's name is known as 'Ham Yu Kai' - Salted Fish Street - busiest street of Kuantan! Took some pics and bought some stuff from famous 'ham yu' shops, met Fiona's friend for Malay seafood and took a glimpse of Hyatt and Teluk Cempedak. Blacked out early.

Kuantan - Kuala Terengganu (Feb 8, 2006)

After getting caught in the rain while completing Fiona's Kuantan research and photo shooting, we headed off towards Kuala Terengganu. Passed by interesting places like Cherating's Club Med, Kemaman, Kerteh, Paka and Rantau Abang. Kemaman has this coffee outlet 'Kopitiam' which is getting really popular everywhere. Started in 1940, the owned is already 90 but still alive and kicking. The aroma of coffee beans and mini 'Great Wall of China' was the highlight of Kemaman! Also saw a Sultan's cap or hat or something which was pretty big. :) Kerteh and Paka are where the Petronas villages and vast Petronas base are. Cool s***, no joke! Rantau Abang is of course the hotspot for turtles labouring. And the beach, tears brim around the eye lids just looking at such beauty. Found interesting food like Satar and air Nira. Satar's a type of fish and coconut while Nira's the juice for coconut flowers. Otak2 is known as Otok2 here. Reached Kuala Terengganu towards evening and checked into Seri Malaysia. After shooting at Chinatown which is pretty impressive, the shops (for a Pas place man!) we dined at a funny looking place that serves very good frogs and seafood. Oh yum. Sad news was that I received news that Dad needed blood. Fiona and her mom were squabbling so tension was around but I popped early.

Kuala Terengganu - Kota Bahru (Feb 9, 2006)

Covered K.T before doing some shopping. K.T's museum is big man and they've an impressive bridge that passes Pulau Duyong where they make boats and Pulau Besar which isn't that big after all. Drove north towards K.B passing places like Setiu (sounds like bad word le), Merang, Bdr. Pemaisuri and Besut. Merang's where you go to catch your transport to Redang. Besut's the producer of keropok. K.B's pretty impressive with square boxes as the town planning. We reached on a Thursday which is like a Saturday for elsewhere but there. Ate some yummilicious food and took the best shower ever. There are 3 shower heads with a strong water output giving the shower-er the best shower ever. Life's heavenly.

p.s Confirmation on going back to Kuching after this trip for a week.

Kota Bahru - Kuala Kangsar (Feb 10, 2006)

The sad thing about K.B is that the Chinese shophouses are no longer preserved. Camelia dresses were everywhere and a delight to purchase. Being a Friday many shops were closed but special weekend markets were opened. McDs and Xpax ad has Jawi writings . Coolness. Leaving K.B, I suffered from severe headache so I took a snooze. Btw, Fiona also bought some 'ubi' with shapes like the male private part. Aduh. Awaking from my lil nap I read a road sign that pointed right stating 'Thailand 5 km'. Was actually pretty shocked and worried that Fiona had drive to Timbuktu without her navigator's scrutinising instructions but was consoled when I read 'Gerik' as the foward sign. We went endlessly uphill with no civilisation around and clouds crowding near mountain tops. With bladders full, Fiona stopped for wee wee time. We were actually at the peak of Titiwangsa, back bone of West Malaysia. Moving on, we passed by beautiful mountains surrounded by lakes and greens. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Amazing. Reached Gerik late in the evening. Gerik was the gateway to the communists' base in the past. Kuala Kangsar was achieved late in the evening and we checked into a rather sad looking 'Rest House'. I guess you pop anywhere when you're tired, and so I did.

Kuala Kangsar - Ipoh - Home (Feb 11, 2006)

Left K.Kangsar early for shooting and to head to Ipoh to savour egg tarts that were deprived from us eventually anyway. Rushing to Ipoh, we found 0 egg tarts available to our despair!!! Settled for Aun Keng Lim's salted chicken and Tambun's pomelo lo.. :( Got back early, to PJ and was reunited with my love ones! Not for long.. Kuching's on the itinerary - Feb 12, 2006!

Hospital Bound

Am back in Kuching and am eating nice food but the bad news is that Daddy's sick. He's diagnosed with Lymphoma - lymph nodes cancer. It breaks my heart to see the strong person I know look so frail and in pain but I guess this is part of life's cycle.

Been in the hospital for 2 days and am coping with whatever I should do pretty well but it gets a bit depressing if you think too much of it. So I don't.

And I'm lagging on my assignments. Help.

We're still waiting for detailed results to be out. Till then we are uncertain about everything.

Lazy Bumming...

Been back 'home' for almost 3 days. Achievements so far... nothing much. Been so lazy bumming my assignments' not done. Supposed to hand in one in approximately 4 hours' time.

Doomed.. :)

I'm feeling very funny, not as 'semangat' as how I was a year ago or two.

Btw, will be gone for a week. Updates'll come later.

Ciaoz.

Day Five, Day Six

Day Five
Was still out on Day 5, visited some uncles and their families. Daddy was brought to the hospital for some check up. Waited at home hoping it's somehow Malaria. Brought Ryoko to buy some souvenirs. Day 5 seemed so quiet compared to the past days. The Black Vios seemed nowhere in sight. Was just feeling as routines are hard to break. Went home for a rest but Jerome told me that the lymph knots might be symptoms of lymphoma (however you spell it!) and that that might be cancerous. Daddy was looking really frail and everyone knows he hates this 'Oh you're sick let me take care of you' feeling. Feeling was numb. Went out for a crying session with Nic before bringing Ryoko out to Waterfront and to Memories again.

Day Six
It was just awkward at home. Had a day of depression just doing nothing but staying at home. Declined going to Cammy's Marshall's for a gathering though I've not seen many friends for ages. While picking Ryoko up (not expecting it at all, serious), was forced to say an awkward, unwanted sayonara. I wanted to cry when Uncle Joseph asked bout Pa but I sucked it in and left soon. Went over to Allen's to drop Ryoko and 'show face'. Went home and chatted with ertie and che before going to spend some time with Pa. All my life he has been looking the healthiest and the elder one least of our worries.

It will be truly easy to escape all worries by being in Subang. But by being in Subang, it also means I will not be around to be there for him even though he has been there for me all my life. Viscous cycle, this thing we call 'life'.

Alex picked Nic and I up to send Ryoko home. Was supposed to be buying kueh chap but ended up meeting a bunch of old BL friends as well. The next thing on the agenda was Soho. Declining didn't help so I ended up standing in the middle of the exterior of Soho feeling awkward at Level 10! Soho was practically a 'Meeting Point - Destination : Kuching'. Everywhere you turned you'd see a familiar face. There were some very funny crabs dancing
trying to look cool; these crabs included a very famous blogger. Gee, wonder if he'd be blogging about how he dances looking like a chub crab.

I got a call from HOME! Whoa!! Something different.. Che was worried. Got home and got into bed. Flying the next day at 6.

Goodbye.. Laksa.

I looked at my bowl of laksa and hugged it near me.

'I love you, I really do.'

Goodbye Laksa. I will truly miss you.

(I think I've been hanging out too much with Just. )

Day Four.. :)

It was a beaching day at Lundu and Sematan - collecting shells, taking pictures and laughing. :) Went with Ryoko and Chen; met Augie and his friend Wilson at Sematan.

Kayaking was very, very fun - especially when we were paddling out towards the large waves. The feeling I had was pretty 'deep', some drug- filled ecstasy of elation. The urge to rush towards larger waves to gain the absolute pleasure of freedom boggled me totally.

Had a gathering at Ma Ee's. Celebrated Zack's birthday, everything was really nice.

Accompanied Sharon for a long talk and rode in her nice little car.

Slept early, too tired le.

3rd day of CNY

My YCS friends came over - the old and some new. Went to Gie's and Syl's after that for a cheesecake fiesta. Headed to sick Glo's place and of course she had to describe how unwell she was feeling. Met Greenians at Allen's. Practically everyone had something to do so with the Rajit brothers we visited Nic. Wasn't feeling totally comfy after that due to some flirting stuff happening so I went home.

Picked my prized pig and headed to my sister's in law's place. Hung out for a jiffy.. Chen was telling me part of his life story. Went to Wan Ling's after that, was kinda confusing.. the scenario.

Jerome and I paid some bills and headed home. Nic came, relatives came, more people came and then I went out, I think..

Memories. The Memories last year burnt down, I found out. Had some fun fun conversation with Ryoko, Monica and Chen. Headed to Senso to meet up with Sharon but found the bunch there. Was forced to gulp some alcohol that made me feel queasy. I - don't - like - drinking. Ew. Nic came to save me and we chilled for awhile before he sent me home.

Needed to get some rest for the next day!!!

I really want everything to be okay.

Do you know how it feels when tears seem so petty for tears or not the situation just won't change? Crying seems so sissy and so absurd. Gee.. tears won't exchange brighter sunshine or smoothing rain! I don't want to feel so out of grip and this undying urge to bang myself against the wall but I am just so afraid. I want to go back feeling a sense of happiness for this CNY celebrated not this huge burden of worry... How will future days be? A week seems SO LONG, so HORRIBLY long to bear this anxiety and this fear and this bad, bad gut feeling. I just don't know what else to do.

Please let this be a minor thunderstorm. Please clear the skies once again. Please?

Jiwang-ing about the Impossibilities

*If you read this, you'll know what I'm saying le.

It's not entirely true that I won't feel a tinge if you share the same feelings. However, I also know you won't feel anything anyway.

You are nice and you make me really happy just hanging out and doing stupid things.
Chocolates are tempting and pretty sinful but somehow chocolates are still appealing above all the sinful tags hung from it. *Please recall past conversations

I just don't want to keep this in for it would remain something undone which would be a future regret. So here I write.

Impossibilities are spelt clear and feelings will not be exchanged but jolts of emotions are undeniable and unavoidable but I do know that flirts are fun with no strings attached.

I'm emo-ing and truth may be exaggerated. Apologies for damage done.

Why when I'm most happy am I made to feel so depressed?