Particles, Petals

The disastrous storm seems to have ceased its horrendous torment. The wind and rain no longer beats down at the withering wildflower. Nevertheless, she's never felt more blue (she's originally yellow) as her mind echoes with questions unanswered.

It's not like she really cares for them to be known yet the little bees in her head are busy at work trying to crack the billion dollar questions they seem to find so important without her conscious blessing. She just wants to lay her bloom down in peace for a few seconds more. Sleep is, however, a privilege that those little bees wish not be hers. She feels deprived.

Walking down the long pathways and around vast spaces of education property, emptiness surrounds her as she remains still while others have long left or are busy heeling by. She knows everything will be fine for one day when the last petal falls the wind will blow them far away to a beautiful place where her people grows in abundance in endless fields.

Thud. Her heart drops to the pits painfully as reality slips in silently to remind her of its existence. Silently she weeps as she prays hard for her petals to drop a speed faster.

Uncontrollable. She gasps as little fragments, her heart within burst further into particles so small even bacteria fail to compete in size. No one knows pain till pain is felt. Particles so small takes no form. All attempts to restore will end in vain.

Tears unshed, cries unheard. The withering wildflower smiles. Perishing, her heart and form seem like life's best choice.

Blog Stalker?

I've enjoyed blog stalking. Sue me for being sick if I really am but I do think it's pretty fun reading about someone's life and feeling like you're a part of it.

This blog is a space to free my mind. As it is named, I cannot and will not write things I do not feel and things that are untrue. It will be wrong. It will be a place to lie instead, right?

I know it's weird to think this way but I cannot imagine people I'm not close to reading this. I find it even more hard to believe that people will actually read someone else's blog, click on the link and end up here AND continue to click on other links here. It's just too funny an image to even try conjuring.

These past 2 days have been really weird. I always thought that when the day came for me to let go, it would be out of my choice rather than being forced to with messages that arrived so early on a SUNDAY MORNING. * sigh * Well, looking at the bright side, the process of letting go is sped up! Yeah.. that's something so worth rejoicing, isn't it? I'm so overjoyed to move on. It is time, it has got to be time. This annoying feeling has been around for a bit too long!!!!

Well, the funniest part of the whole scenario would be 'Supposed-To-Be Prince Charming' acknowledging my extremely confused feeling after stumbling upon this blog. Interesting.

Pouring my heart out at a virtual 'space to free my mind' has now killed my normal everyday reality routine to live life happy and smiling. I am now practically forced to let go immediately OR ELSE be known as the stupid self- pitying person I would seem to be! If I were to shut up and not write and not feel, what would life be all about huh? So writing here hurts me. What else am I suppose to do to let this shitty feeling out? Play more Bejeweled and Insaniquarium? Type out what I feel, print it out and pass it around for friends to comment? What I feel and what I write is used against me to force me to let go. WHAT?

Just, it's true. I now feel cheap and stupid for liking him, for having this crush. It sucks. I should have seen it coming and not feel what I felt and not do what I did. I can now totally relate to a stupid heartbroken teenager. I just wish I can wake up from this horrible, horrible nightmare. But I can't. This is life and this is MY LIFE. * sigh........*

Blog stalking? Never thought it would be the way for him to find out. Never!

I'm a JOBLESS BITCH

I hate all these uncertainties about having no jobs, uncertainties about which college to choose, what my future will hold. Seriously, I don't f***ing care! I just want to end up as a photojournalist cum journalist in National Geographic! I hate all these stepping stones to get me there. I can't leave the country, I can't not study. I have to study but where? I need to work.. Damn it.. WHERE??? I feel so annoyingly STUPID, and jobless.

No job means no flowing in cash. No extra extra cash means no confidence.

I hate being jobless.

Heartache. Ouch.

It's not like I've not tried to let you go. It has been really hard 3 months, you know. Since Day One have I tried to let go off all sorts of funny feelings that shouldn't be around. It's not as easy as you think. Crushes do not just come and go. Some stupid ones stay.

It hurts so much to have you say all those things. I wish again and again that the crush did not happen. I just want things to be the same. Like before. Before all this absurdity. Tears won't help and neither will temper- flaring. All I need to do now is to get a grip of myself, and like you said, let go. So easy it sounds, yet so hard in reality.

Unfair. Life's unfair. You shouldn't have told me what you did.. it would be so much better if I make myself let go. I was going to, anyway. I didn't even confess anything! No confession - no direct approach! Sometimes I do think you think too highly of yourself. And you're all too serious. If it is what you said it is, just a crush, why can't you just act normal till I do?

If you think it's so hard dealing with someone who likes you.. try dealing with someone you like that you can't. Gee. You're mean even though you're trying so hard not to be. You can only think of yourself. Try thinking for someone else for once.

I hate all this shit. I hate all this shit that's so shitty I can't control the situation. Shit, shit, shit.

Stupid Guy Opened the Door

Woke up at the wee hours of the morning, took a reluctant shower and headed to PJ to help a friend get her IC done. Was first in line after performing a traffic stunt hence breaking a traffic rule. Heck, no one saw no one knows. An Indian couple came with us, very nice people. Unfortunately a Malay guy came with his old dad. Stupid he was, he opened the doors leading to the stairway and in streamed lots of people cutting the queue. They included an oversized yellow tudung aunty, a superman wannabe guy, a tree trunk bimbo wannabe (who was constantly harassing a guy with her: suspected boyfriend person) and many other aunties. One aunty started preaching to us about Christianity. Doors of the office opened, air-con blasting.. all seems well. We took our seats after my friend got her number. Aunty sat with us and started condemning Catholics. Gee.. Nice. I told her I am a Catholic, she apologised and went on condemning. Heck.

All commotion ended when we had breakfast. Our government badly needs a system. One that will stop stupid people opening doors, teach people to queue, stop pornographic actions in public and stop Christians condemning other Christians. * sigh *
I am quite sure, however, all the above will not be done.

Bad Service Ruins Steamboat Lunch

We went for a steamboat lunch at Mizi Shabu- Shabu at Puchong Puteri or somewhere with the similar name after checking out from the hotel for the Happy Together camp. The place looked presentable, everything looked interesting including the food served, food tasted pretty good. Perfect lunch? Mmm.. nope, it wasn't.

Sad isn't it? Our lunch was actually ruined by very bad service! As creative students from the photographic department, it is actually a common sight to see a "huge" digital SLR be used to take group pictures and pictures of presentable food. Now, why not? We don't use mini cameras, we only use big ones. A bitch came to inform us that their company does not allow photos to be taken inside the restaurant or something as they have some copyright shit. Copyright my foot. What's so special about that place? The cooker thing stuck inside the table? Hello? Get real. We can order similar cooking gadgets from overseas! Their interior design? I don't think so! Food? Ahem.. normal food- not worth the lawsuit. So we explained to her in the most basic words that the pictures are just for memories. Bitch she was, she actually ended our conversation with "Lim Kok Wing students bring approval letters when they take photos". I added (just as spitefully) "For a meal and taking pictures for memories - an approval letter? That's absurd!" Indeed it is!!! How many letters will the college need to issue photo students as we go around taking pictures with our SLR or digital SLR cameras during family and friends' gatherings at COPYRIGHT restaurants?? Stacks of them? S.T.U.P.I.D. The restaurant, by the way, did not place any signs to indicate the ban towards big cameras.

Worse thing happened after that, she actually took a picture of Oufei to 'remember' and 'mark' him. OK. Get real, people. Which 'spy' would actually bring such a huge camera with a bunch of 9 hungry people for spy jobs? * sigh *

Later we had bunch of gossipers serving us, whispering at hushed tones while looking at us as well from the sidelines. OK, getting annoyed. As soon as most of us were done, another bimbo, (oops sorry.. not pretty enough to be one!) I mean annoyee gave us a bill (we didn't call for any as Oufei wasn't done yet) and we had to pay up. Instantly after that, a school of mad fish swam towards us to collect our dishes back, stirring up a minor tug of war with Oufei's unfinished plates and bowls. *heads shaking from side to side in despair*

In retaliation for a lunch ruined, I wrote on the receipt these exact words.
"Your service is very bad. It is time to improve if you have 'copyright's' standard.
p.s. Nobody wants to steal your ideas. It's not worth it"

Left it for the cashier for the management, and left.

What a horrible, horrible lunch. Please.. for your sanity to be intact, avoid the said restaurant for your well-being.

Goodbye 'Happy Together'

After a few sessions of planning and a number of sleepless nights, "Happy Together", a Leadership Gathering organised by the student council came and left. All went well, I suppose. He was there. Amazing. Life is so ironic. Just when you least expect it, it happens. A beautiful two days spent smiling and socialising. Bad part include calming down rowdy college students.. around 15 of them; got verbally harassed by one all throughout the 2 day session, very bad.

All went well. I lost my temper only twice, I guess. I was at the crazy bitch who's suppose to be providing student service. The other was at junior bitch for stupid acts.

Overall, I did enjoy myself and I'm glad it's all over. After next week, everything will slowly calm to a halt and I will let go off the council. I owe myself that much.

p.s. Saddest part of the 2 day camp was that Bejeweled was persistently calling for me at my PC at home. :(