My back condition is serious. I am sorry to only write about this now.

I am diagnosed with 2 degenerated disc for both L3/L4 and L4/L5. On top of that, my L4/L5 disc is protruding into the nerve root - disc herniation, it's medically known.

That is the reason why I have been in pain since last October. That is also why I have been suffering back problems for the past 10 years. Occasionally I was in pain, and thinking that it was normal was wrong. I know now. You do not endure mysterious pain. There is no real mystery to pain. There is always a problem.

I've been in YCS for .. 15 years? To think that I still did not grasp the concept of Judge. I was still oblivious of going for the root cause. I was just Seeing my problem, and Acting on it. I did not Judge well.

I can think of myself as a huge failure but there's no need to go all self accusing. I should just start thinking what I should do.

I'm afraid. I've never been in so much trouble with my health before. I've always been rather 'fit'. I've never had to be on medication to stop my pain. I'm dependent on drugs now. Gee, I sound like a junkie. But I am, until I get my discs functioning again.

My ortho docs are really working hard on my case. They can't over treat me, nor under treat me. Both would cause significant damage to my situation, both physically and financially.

I am suggested total disc replacement. Yet this is to be confirmed after another round of 'discogram' - an injection test at my lumbar spinal area to test which disc is suffering from which pain to determine the functioning/ mal-functioning of my discs and the reaction it produces, making sure that it's in line with the pain I feel everyday.

A TDR costs RM 8-10k. Seriously. To which direction am I going to seek these funds from? Should I look heavenward and beg for money now? Should I pray for a miracle so no operation needs to be done? Or should I be more practical and use my brain.

I am not giving up. I have faith that I will be well again. I will be able to walk, run, jump and even wear high heels! I will be fine, one fine day.

I believe in miracles. I believe that God will not leave me astray. Through whatever means it may be, I will be healed. Somehow.

p.s. It's very difficult for me to talk about this. It is. Accepting this physical flaw has been a tremendous challenge. Yet, I need to accept it in order for me to treat it. Sigh~