Musings since my return~

I left Malaysia and arrived in Philippines on June 21. Being back felt so good, so refreshing, so energizing. Yet, somehow, I felt somewhat perplexed? Or should I say my heart has been feeling restless. I received comments about me being quiet. Haha, yeah right.. Vicky and Quiet just don't match. They never did, and they never will. *pause. But am I quieter now? *reflects.
I think I am.

I feel lost. I've been fighting many obstacles and objections about not returning. I have. I guess I have been fighting so much that being back is a challenge, an obstacle. A pressure? I need to do well. I need to rescore straight As. I need to learn, I need to get myself educated. I need to do in within the allowed time frame, I need to work hard on the sides, I need to be better than before.. A million, or millions of 'I need to..'. Is this what I want to? Is this? The resounding answer of 'Yes it is' makes the whole scenario even more pressurizing than I can endure. This is what I want, this is what I've decided on, this is my life. This is what I will do.

Am I quiet because I'm tired? Am I tired because my pain is bad or because I'm on medication? Or have I lost that flame, that spirit?

I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that I miss all the people I shouldn't miss. We move on, Vicky. You should too!!!