I am not one to lie, and I have tried to live my life as honest as I can be, but of late, I've been lying so much without anyone knowing, well.. perhaps Joy knew a bit for occasionally, I would not be able to resist telling her what I really feel, and then the truth would be known.

But I have been trying to put up a front, to pretend that going home is not all that bad, to pretend that I am as cool as a cucumber. I made my farewells so informal, so calm, so fake.

This goodbye is the worst goodbye I've had to make but with all the uncertainties of tomorrow, I am even clueless on how I should react. Thus, I tried to make it as emotionless as I could.

And why would be going home be all that bad anyway? It is home, isn't it where I truly belong? But I felt so much the opposite. In KL's airport, at Kuching's airport.. and when I finally reached home.. it seemed as though I am a missing puzzle piece trying to fit into the last slot but unable to fit in no matter how hard one tries to place it.

I have no Joy here, and literally no joy at all. No one needs me here, but I need them so much. And I can't let anyone know how difficult it is for me, I never show them the real side of me.. they never see my tears. I wipe them away before they drop to the ground.

And I know, when I left IC, I left it for good. I mean, don't get me wrong, I might still come back, but I would come back to a different IC, one without some people but with some others. It will never be the same, never. It always changes, and it will change.

And I cry for the old IC I knew, the recent IC I still know.. I cry for the memories that seem so sweet yet one that makes me weep so bitterly. I cry for mythe todays that seem so mundane, the tomorrows that I know not what will happen. I cry while missing all my friends who seem more like family to me, for family who seem stranger than friends. I cry in longing to belong somewhere for more than just awhile, and for wanting to leave a place that they say I belong to.
And I cry, not knowing what I'm really crying for, just knowing that I can't stop the tears from flowing down my soaked cheeks.

If only I could have one more month, Charles once told me. But I know when time comes for one to leave that certain IC, it's just as predestined as when their vehicle arrives to the front of IC. It's all set, things are somehow planned for.. and our paths are somehow meant to meet, and to depart.

I love you all so much, my IC family...