It's coming. The dreaded injection test(s) shit is heading my way. One more month. One more month before I'm wheeled into the operation theater and treated like an animal again. The pain is so unbearable I really don't know how I can bear a second round of it. Even the thought of it freaks me out, turns my body cold.

And there's not even anything after wards to take my mind away. There's no ASC to look forward to at the end of the day.. and unknowingly, then I met E after wards. But there's no that to look forward to anymore too.

I don't like self-pitying, but I'm really so afraid.. and I just want to cry.

And the end of this/ these injection test(s) only brings worse news. Confirmation on an operation I might not be able to afford, or a dragging on series of ridiculous milder treatments. Nothing that excludes pain, nothing that excludes money, nothing that excludes misery.

Sometimes I wish I could just die. Just like that. And death is also totally not excluded from the picture. Or being crippled. Or something else going wrong.

And this isn't even temporary. This pain will last forever, just lessened. And this problem and injury will constantly come back to taunt me. This is just Part One of a very long and tiring game to play - one that I never asked to be included in, one that I can't afford to play, one that I just want to call quits and end it forever. Sometimes I wish it was cancer. Then I would know it would end soon soon. Then pain won't be in vain, and there really won't be a tomorrow that I fear and don't dare to dream about anymore.