It's tough to let go, hard to move on.. yet it's really time to leave already.

I feel so hmm.. not disgusted, no. More like erm.. petrified? Not entirely as well. Not really regretful too. I guess I just feel this horrible feeling every time I recall that Mr X was once important to me in my life. The No. 1 guy indeed. Gawd, what horror those memories bring now. Why does life change so dramatically and so soon?

Not that I want any more repeats of the past. I just want to let go, and move on!

Post Christmas rambles

Today's Just's birthday. A significant date indeed. Another Christmas has just passed by.

I went for church camp last week. Was at the orang asli village, longhouse resettlement in Jinjang Utara and also visited CahayaSuara - the home for disabled women by the I.J sisters. Met a lot of young friends, some annoying and some very interesting. :) Had a blast and ate 'beruk' - a type of monkey. :P Hah.

Am having horrible earache. Brings flashbacks of high school days when I had earache. Gawd, I was so young then. I miss home.

Had a friends' gathering at Shabu2 during Christmas eve. Jov and I arrived early so we started eating first. SK arrived after that. Boo and Aivee were late, Jennifer the last. My ear was aching so bad I had to leave early, Boo wasn't well too.

The most touching situation for this entire year is waking up during Christmas morning finding my house all clean and almost all cleared by Jov and Zhen. Such a wonderful surprise, reminds me of how much I love these friends.. and why.

Went to Christmas morning mass alone. Everyone else were occupied, sleeping or not well. Hmm.. It was not as bad as the situation seems. Wore my new Punjabi suit! :)

Had lunch at Carl's Jr with ertie, wah and boo. :) It was an awesome lunch but I had earache la. Hmm..

Mydin experience was horrible. We waited a bloody hour just to pay for food.

Had a BBQ with the USJ2 family. It was a lovely celebration despite Jov and Just playing pranks on some useless guy la. Also celebrated Just and Zhen's birthday.

And as the days blow by, I wonder what tomorrow holds.

On a happier note, I can't wait to let old flames rekindle real soon! :)

You might think I'm stupid enough to be pushed around. You're wrong. So, very, wrong.

I guess I've not been thinking much these days. My mind has been unusually silent and thus this blog has been as quiet.

But it is untrue that I've not been thinking at all, I'm sure you do need brain activity to keep you alive.. and I haven't been dead, so I guess there were some thoughts - none important enough to be shared though.

Kacuak is having his final presentation today. And as usual, I pitched in to help in some ways. Helped him with his report this time. It was... not as bad as Mr X's.

Another junior's graduating and I'm still around. And my life still hasn't changed from the past, and I still have not moved on. However, I'm consoled that this current life is temporary, that I will be making fruitful changes soon enough.

It's been 2 1/2 years, almost.. since my final presentation. I have been bumming for almost 2 years already. Okay, I admit I was working and I did learn new things and the experiences for these 2 years were equally beneficial in their own ways as contributions to this learning journey I call life.

It's just that.. hmm, compare these 2 years to the rest of my life (other than the previous bumming half year in 2002.. and the uncompleted A levels thing), these 2 years have been awfully 'nonchalant'. I can't find any other word and saying that they were uneventful or boring or monotonous just makes it a total lie.

Ahh... whatever.

I'm jobless. It's time to pack up and move on. I've had my holiday in Kluang and it was good. I've stuffed myself silly and now it's time to starve a bit.. :)

There are just moments that I want to spend crying, though. And I don't know why. I think I've too much brain activity over nothing.. Watched Armageddon and burst out in tears. Well, to think that Gracie and I have one thing in common. No daddy walking us down the aisle. Why bother looking for the right person then? ...

Am I 25, 15 or 5?

Last day of October, Halloween.

The only ghosts spooking my life now are myself and the person I'm supposed to be in love with.

I hate to be controlled. I hate the feeling of another person judging my actions and saying 'no' to the things I want to do. I hate the way things are said or situations are made to seem that I should feel guilty of what I have done.

I know I am not totally innocent but I am supposed to live life as wild or crazy or at least HOW I want to live it before I get all settled down and shit like that, right?

It's annoying how my actions can affect another person's day. Gawd.. Days like these make me want to pack up and leave this place on the next flight out.

I am going to Laos next year for a whole week with Aunty Kathy for an all expense paid trip as a companion and travelling mate! :) Can't wait.. So excited.

I've left this blog for a month but I have been around. And I have tried to be alright and to continue with the plans I made and though there were some disturbance midway, things are still going as planned.

There are times when I feel so alone.. I know not who to make decisions with, I fear the consequences of decision made - consequences that I will have to bear alone.

I finally put my feet down. I will not be stepped all over my head again. This warning goes out to all those who enjoy messing around with me. I have had enough. I will not be pushed around anymore. I have let myself be weak for 2 years and that's long enough to be a pussy.

Though I do not have a definite date on when I will take off to the Philippines, I know for sure that I will. I will need a huge God intended interference to make me change my mind.

But for now, I am making plans to go back home for sometime to find myself again...

I hate you for all the promises made, never kept - the emptiness of it all.
I hate you for making me cry though you've told me you'll make me laugh.
I hate you for bringing me to heaven, only to drop me down to hell.
I hate you for all the memories that cause so much pain.
I hate you for the insanity you drive me to.
I hate you for breaking my heart.
I hate you for the way you treat me - even dry ice feel less cold.
I hate you for losing another friend.
I hate you for giving me flicker of hope.. Hope washed away by despair.

I really, really hate you. The fact that I've never loved a guy more makes me hate you more than I really want to.

Dinner with you was wonderful, Nic. Had a good time checking friendster together. :)

It's not easy, but it's not impossible...

Feeling... torn.

I took down my memory notice board today. The dust stained my fingers, my tears strained my eyes.. Letting go, saying goodbye.. it's all just so, so hard.. isn't it?

If I had a chance to write the story of my life, I would definitely add you as one of my happily ever afters.

You.
Photography.
My family.
Flowers.
Travels.

What lies in my tomorrows? More sorrows? A final glimpse of hope?

I feel so insecure. I'm terrified.

I just bloody want to be friends again. Is that too much to ask?

I thought I knew what it felt to hurt.. I thought I knew the true meaning of pain...

And then I met you.

It took me 6 1/2 years to gather the courage to face my past. I was mad for almost 6 years and with further preparation, embraced whatever remained of my friendship and moved on.

Is history repeating itself again? Am I just doomed to meet people with heart problems, have fights with them, suffer alone and embrace history 6 years later?

I don't want whatever that happened before to happen again. I want to be friends with him again.

Welcome back, Chia

I have my bestfriend back. After 6 1/2 years of squabbles, misunderstandings, conflicts and unhappy thoughts, everything's finally okay now.

It's good to have you, Mhy, Miggy, Alexa and Hansie in my life now. Our friendship's different, but it's more fun now, isn't it? Life has changed and so have we but I guess the bond between us has grown much stronger through all the negative things that has happened, through distance and through the recent gathering.

I am just so glad, and so happy to have you back. *Hugs*, best friend. Welcome back, Chia.

Goodbyes...

It gets a bit sad to say goodbye to friends who leave. I know it's not forever, they will come back.. it's just not easy to bid farewell for the time being, especially when you know that they won't be able to hangout for dinner or for yumcha sessions on a regular basis anymore.

Gabby left for Taiwan today. Am missing her already.

Missing you too, Caryn.

And when March comes next year, it will be my turn. Will goodbyes be easier if you're the one leaving?

Hello from Penang!

In Penang now. Gawd, I'm tired. After running here and there, dashing after jeepneys and buses and almost all types of transportation in the Philippines, not to mention dragging my bags as well, I finally came back on the 30th.

I like the Philippines. Despite the mad rush almost every moment of my everyday there, I enjoy it. It's a different environment, different pace, different culture and a difference I am willing to get used to, and be fond of.

Trip was bloody good. Sharing will come much later as I'm still recouping in Penang for the weekend...

Good to be back, though.

Sunshine, doubt no more. You're still the love of my life. Always have been, always will be.

To have stayed was because I loved you. To stop loving you is because I love myself. I'm sorry things had to turn so sour, Xerxes.

I have moved on. I am going to mend my broken heart during this trip to the Philippines. It's not easy to let the past be the past but I need this trip, I want it and since I AM going to have it, I might as well enjoy it.

My right hand's middle finger is swollen. It looks all obscene and it hurts too but I'm still contemplating whether I should get a 100 bucks jab or leave the finger all puffed up during my Philippines' trip.

Argh.. for health or for wealth. Dilemma.

Don't tell me it's going to be okay. Stop telling me that things will get better.

Just tell me that life is scary, full or shit and that I should be ready for death at every corner I turn or that the world is a horrible place and the only decent place to be is nowhere...

Other than from my family and really close friends, I feel no love. I feel no comfort. I feel no joy, no happiness. Life is harsh and life sucks so get real and get on with it.

No matter how many times you slap me, I will never wake up again.

I've kept all these 'most suicidal' writings in my laptop long enough. It's been too long, I've kept my wounds too long and it's time to let go. To let go is to embrace the past, to accept and to move on.

I was afraid that people around me would hurt to know how much I hurt so I tried to be okay.

I've had enough.

I am as depressed as that. Accept me if you love me. I am weak. I can't go on and I do want to die all the time but I am trying to be alright.

I can't accept deaths and I won't be strong. I just want life to be alright but it will never be and my life will never be alright but I will be so numbed with acceptance I will be fine.

I smile because I'm tired of crying. I might be smiling but it doesn't mean I'm happy. Oh please stop thinking I'm the cheerio type. I am not.

I am a depressed, suicidal, lunatic person who lives in the past so much I hate the present and I abandon the love and care of people around me.

All I want, is to be free... Really, really free. But I will never be. Not totally...

I just want to take pictures of flowers, I just want to walk around the world. I just want to love my family members and take care of them.

Too much to ask?

Another 2006 writing...

When you lose someone so dear to you to death, I guess it's natural for you to lock yourself up
with the past. Only in the past do they exist, so in a weird way, your instincts tell you to dwell the days of the past.

But what about the present? Well, you sustain. You do what it takes to sustain, yes. But you breathe the air of the past, you live with the breath of denial.

Strangers brush by you, close ones tap at the glass case surrounding you that you built to block out the world. They cry beside you, anxiety's written all over their faces, worry's controlling their gestures. Yet you do not give in.

Another one about daddy. *written in 2006*

Flashes of the past brings so much pain to the present.

Please let me see you once more. I just want a bit more time. There're still some memories to share. Just a few more moments. No?

Why not? Not even in dreams can I see you pa? But that's asking me to be too strong. And I'm not all that strong. Though fighter genes cruise through my bloodstream, I'm not all as tough as I may seem. Not like you,not like ma.

I still need you pa.

Here's something about daddy.. * written in 2006*

The pain doesn't seem to go away. It's been quite long. Quite a number of days, a dozen of number of days. Yet everytime I remember the incidents of late May and early June, my heart jolts with pain, unbearable-undeniable-
unhidden pain.

Pictures bring tears, pictures reflect memories, memories cause tears.

Daddy, I miss you so much. I try to think of the positive side your leaving may bring me. I guess I'm trying too hard. Or am I not trying hard enough?

With every flip of the pages in my chapters of life without you, my ship sails into the depths of fear. Without you, my anchor and compass, I know not my bearings nor my destination. Aimlessly I await the day when all these fears will be familiarised-accepted-adapted to.

Oh daddy, why so soon? I know you said you had no choice but to go. I know that and I know I should not question anymore but I just can't deny humanly emotions.

I know my doubts are just empty worries but daddy, where are you now? Are you happy? Do you miss us just as much or more than we miss you? Can you still see us? Are you still very much near us? Are you worried about us as well? Are you with your dear Lord in your new heavenly home now? Why aren't you giving me dreams any more dy?

Don't worry daddy. I won't be like this for long - just give me some time, I'm only asking for a few more precious moments to dwell in the past, to feel your presence with us, to be close to you once more, to cherish history like never before. I will be fine, I really will be. As the flesh and blood of a man once so strong, so graceful and such a true fighter, I promise you that I won't fail you. I will live my life as an honour to your past charisma for life, and your dreams I shall fulfill.

I love you daddy. And I still miss you so much.

Here's to you Yen... *written in October 2006*

All these will fade one day. All memories fade. These will go as well. Let me tell them before they eventually end up at the dump site of my brain cells.

We met at Ah Mei's funeral. It was a horribly tough time and Jac was shutting off her emotional system. I was one she chose to shut out. And I was left alone.

And you were there. Jac moving to stay with you conveniently bonded our friendship as I stayed over rather often. When times were still not too bad with Jac, we hung out a lot, at 7th mile. You were just 14 then. And I was 19. And you told me that I shouldn't give up on my bestfriendship with Jac because it was so hard to come by. And you told me that you admired what we had gone through to get to where we were. But it was a lie, because our friendship was falling apart. When I told Jac about fighting for our friendship, she just shrugged it off. And
she was gone, but you remained.

We didn't hang out everyday but I saw you rather often. From super long hair, you cut it shoulder length. I don't know why but you were always very sad and depressed. And I did stupid stuff and said stupid things to make you laugh. I came up with a questionnaire for us to find out more bout each other. And I asked you if you used the washroom with the toilet seat up or down. :) Hah. What stupidity. And I sleptover that night, coz Jac was in KL. You let me listen to some S.H.E song that I liked while we slept, so the next day when I woke up, I left Jay Chou's
'Kai Bu Liao Kou' on repeat for you. Justine said you deny this. Is Jay Chou so 'to deny'?

There was also once when we went to Memories in Padungan. I went to pick you up for yamcha.. and Jac's dad gave us a nice 50 bucks to enjoy our day, I just remember us at Memories chilling in the booth seats. What a nice treat.

Sharon Sagan. You were so bloody obsessed with her! And Jac was of course to be blamed. Why such bad influence??? Sharon calls you the toilet cousin for a reason. Gee, hiding in the toilet to avoid her during a CNY visit? Interesting...

And I remember you starting to chat then. With the nick 'freak'. Oh why, I have no idea. Your stupid friend from school bugged both of us so much. Ew, she even tried to kiss you. Joe right, her name? And you hated to have your pics taken then. I think it was the hair...

There was this time when we had a gathering at the pool place near Mina's shop. Gawd, even weird Joe went. And I taught you pool with Ah Pei or Zoey.. I think there were a few pool times, but these memories have already faded away. I have pics of these incidents, but you never seem to be in them coz you always volunteered to take them.


When I left for KL, and left Jac.. I left you too. I didn't see it that way, but I guess it was like that.

I remember December 2003's gathering at Sandy's place. I made Jac bring you. Your hair was already short then. But we could still talk so much.

Other than that, I only remember meeting you for lunch at Jac's shop. And you were chatting with my brother and I. Sweet times. Good food!!! But you rushed off for work at Everise after that.

And last Chinese New Year we went out. I managed to get a pic of you in Bing, but not at the Junk. But I have a nice video shot at Bing. Well, at least some footage of you speaking to me again.

You came to KL in April 2005 and that was when the friendship took a turn, for the better. Jov picked you from the airport, I think.. and we went to Kim Gary's for dinner. We forced you to take sticker pics with us, of course you tried to run.

There were so many days after that that I slept over at Jov's with you and later Mac joined us.. and there were also so many times when you came over either with Jov or alone. We went to eat good beef and prawn noodles at KL which cost a bloody bomb. And we could lie in bed and talk and talk and talk. We talked bout everything. We talked while lying next to each other, in the car, through drinks.. through the phone, all the bloody time. Good times. You told me that you wanted to get an operation one day, to become a man. But till then you'd always still be a girl. That can't be denied. Hah. Of course we talked bout my obsession with Daniel Loy and your
obsession with Ice. I am so sure you were one of the rabbit stalker company - victims of mine. :) After awhile you started work at Bamboo and we had lunch there so we could hang out with you. But the supervisor treated you like shit. * sigh ...

I remember going to Yum Yums with you a lot. And I even met Mac there with you. You brought me to TGI Friday's sometime while working at Bamboo. It was awesome and we were stuffed full. Brought some leftovers home for Jov, and she was annoyed that we boycotted her. :) It was one of those boycotting times. Fun. Bitching bout others to you was of course to let you know not to act like them. I remember 2 particular occasions, one at the mamak near Ridzuan with Jov, and another at Starbucks, just us two.

You were there at my final presentation showcase, to help clean up.. :P and you were also there during my birthday. And my major student council events like Loud and Wild.. and of course during friends' outing. You were there, and I was there but somehow the gap between us was growing. And you broke the plate Ice gave me. Gee Yen, you never glued it back!

Oh darn, that lost IC. Gawd, we must have awaken before 6 that day to queue up, but that damn guy who opened the door, shit him.. we had to queue for so bloody long. Anyway the IC was made! You wanted to bring me to some duck place, but it wasn't open, I think. So we just ate noodles. :)


You were working at Yum Yums sometime then, and Justine was crazy for you. And I don't really know what you felt for her. But there were exchange of feelings, I'm sure. I don't know why I could never approve of it. Perhaps I knew you liked Ice too much to be totally sincere with your feelings for Just, or perhaps I was afraid Just would hurt you. It was all just crazy but I shut that out as well.

You changed and I changed and I nagged so much and you just got sick of me and I couldn't understand you and I gave up on you. I told Jac that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do it for her anymore. I couldn't take care of you anymore. Your changed scared me so. I was just so afraid you'd leave me like Ah Mei. If we cared enough, Ah Mei wouldn't have left us. But I wouldn't have met you. And I failed again. And you thought I betrayed you coz I told Jac and she told you off. But all I did was cared too much. And I just let you think that way coz it was just so much easier like that.

And like Just said, shit hit the fan. Jov threw you out. Oh Yen, I wasn't even there. But even if I was, I don't know what I would have done. What was there to forgive when it was all just small mistakes? A snowball of small mistakes? Denial was so much easier, shutting you out was the way out.. and I let you go. And I never fought hard enough to tell you how sorry I am to have walk out on our friendship. Those calls I tried to make to you, those messages I sent.. I was never persistent enough to break through that barrier. Never available enough, and never persistent enough.

And then you were gone. Our friendship remains one with many regrets, of what I could have done, of what I didn't do enough, of what I should have stopped doing but didn't. Oh what I would trade to have you talk to me again, to apologise to you, to tell you how much you mean to me. But it's just too late. No matter what I do after you've left will never be enough to change the things of the past. Yen, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to make you sad. Our friendship started with me cheering you up, you know I would never have wanted you to end up
being sad. I'm just so stupid to have forgotten the past and to forget to cherish you the way I should have. I'm sorry I was never good enough for you in this friendship. But please do know I love you, and I will never stop loving you, our friendship will always be one to remember.

Goodbye Yen. I love you so much.

I have had enough

I think I'm going nuts

Even a tonne of fish oil won't help me this time

I am so motivated to leave this place, for good.

I haven't done anything wrong, I've tried my real best.. I work so hard I dream about work.. I come to work on time, I stay back most of the days.. I don't ask for much, I hardly throw my tantrums around, I smile and am polite. I admit my mistakes and learn from them..

So WHY DO YOU GUYS FUCKING PICK ON ME?

Jerome's growing up to be a great man. So much like daddy... Seeing him reminds me so much of daddy. Daddy would be so proud of you, baby brother.

I am so proud of you.

I love my family so much. I love my friends so much.

So much it hurts.

This is just a passing phase. Things will be alright soon.

Beer. Alcohol. Do they really help? Well, at least I can cry when I drink.

I've been so unhappy for the past 1 1/2 years my tears are running short. Crying doesn't seem to help and I get mild asthma attacks when I cry too much... What has become of me? When will I pick myself up and really, really move on? I hope it'll be really soon coz I'm getting a bit too tired of feeling sad already.

Let's go drinking, Boo. Let's go drinking tonight. Let's puke our guts out as well.

I need my old self back. Yet I'm scared to be my old self again. I'm tired of getting so worked up for nothing.

Stop crying already and move on with your plans, Vicky. You're so weak daddy would roll in his grave looking at your pathetic sight.

You won't want to see another girl crying but you'd let me cry instead. What kind of love IS this?

I need a bloody break and I know I'll get one soon enough but 'soon enough' just seems too far away for now.
I'm breaking apart and I've reached my limit. I wonder how long more can I take all these shit before I slowly fade away.

Hah. I'm still the one in your heart...

Lobbying between the both of you seems to be the only option. Yet why do I feel that I'm always still being unfair to one party?

The answer rings aloud. One can never serve two masters. So why me?

It's time to move on. Plans need to be made and goodbyes need to be said. I've stayed long enough, longer than I should have. It's time to pick up my guts, whatever that's left, and gracefully excuse for departure.

I'm leaving all my emotions behind. I'm leaving all that I've built behind. I'm leaving my insanity behind.

Insomaniac.

I can't sleep. I've not been sleeping, all these thoughts seem to run wild in my head, battling among themselves. I've not felt more lost, or confused before. All these disturbing options, all the insane ideas.

I need to get a grip of myself. I need to remain sane.

Am I torturing myself in this manner to forget the pain I still feel from losing daddy? Or am I just a maniac who endless and sadistically enjoy the bliss of agony?

Is this love?

What's love? How does it actually feel like? Do you go all psycho over the smallest things and stay calm at the largest ones? Do you smile when there's no reason to, yet cry when things are alright? Do you feel pain, or pure joy? I really don't know what love is all about anymore.

Here goes a toast.

A toast to my beloved friends whom I call my USJ2 'old' family members.

For being there during the best moments of my life, and the worst ones as well.

For being there at the very best moment of my life, and the worst of the worst - all in a matter of 12 hours.

I love you guys and you guys mean the world to me. I am freaking lucky to be part of your lives.

I turned 25.

And so I did.

Speak, heart, speak!

Whose name is it that echoes in you? Whose, actually?

Oh, Sunshine..

I'm feeling very lost now, very insecure as well. My dreams seem so far away, so out of reach, so beyond reality.

And when I needed someone to be there for me, Sunshine was still there. Radiating as usual, not abandoning me in the least way. Though going through exam period, Sunshine's still shining.

Oh what have I done? I can't turn back now. Taking this step for the future, I need to be firm. But why am I doubting my actions? Am I really so scared of life and my future? Am I really so dependent on Sunshine? Or has the years of being together crippled me in some areas of life?

I can't turn back, there's no turning back. The bridges have been burnt, by me. All by me.

You, me. You, her, Me, her. Me, him. You, her. You, no.. no him. You, them.. Me, them.

Do I really want us to just be us? Is this what I seek for, the challenge? Life as a bitch?

I so want to be with you, but I know it's all an illusion. A mirage of something I create yet not want to possess. I want your today and a little bit of your tomorrow... but I doubt I'll want to be part of your happily ever after.

The only person not letting me go is myself. How do I face an enemy that I only can see when looking into the mirror, or into a pool of water?

To love you is to accept who you are, really.. The good and the bad, the laughter and the temper, the pimples and the burps, the lonely days and the days when you walk with your hand entwined with mine.

I have so often picked on your flaws, expected you to do what you couldn't possible do and found fault in you. That isn't very fair now, is it?

Why couldn't I just sit back, relax, and see all the little things you do for me with all your heart? Why can't I just interpret all your gentle touches and caresses, your mighty hugs, your sinking kisses? Why can't I feel love from all that, knowing you wouldn't speak of it doesn't mean you don't feel it?

I miss you so much.

Hush now, listen to my soul cry for sanity and beautiful days with nice beautiful skies..

Jane was admitted into the hospital yesterday evening. She has always been superb for our family even before I was born, the day she joined us in 'service'. Having a nanny so great and so loving was like having another parent. Now that her legs are in severe pain and causing her absurd problems, she has to succumb to age and reality as well. I feel so useless, what am I still doing here anyway? I can't be there for her, I can't even pay for her bills, I can't do anything for someone who has done so much for me all my life. I feel so bloody helpless. Their life meters run low and I'm still incapable of taking care of them, of shielding them from life's cruelty. When will I ever be ready?


And I no longer know who to share these pains with.

Can we go to sleep now?

Why does it have to be so hard for us to move on? The roads of tomorrow run long and far, how do we walk them feeling so empty inside? Will time heal? Will all be fine one day soon - Will I be able to let you go soon? Will I be able to take my meds without you reminding me?

I need out yet I'm too weak to crawl past the doorway. Or am I just too afraid of what's outside?

Why does it hurt so bad? Why do you make me cry?

I've said this before and I'm saying this again...

I - need - to - get - out - of - here.

If all were lies and the truth lies unknown, why bring me up to heaven when you're best at torturing me in hell?

I'm getting another tatoo and it will be a present from damn close friends. Cambodian temple flowers, that's what I want this time.

Your rack I possess yet your soul lies with her. How do I face the later ons?

There's you, there's me. There's the other two parties as well. When will life get a bit less complicated and a bit easier?

When a door shuts, another opens. In my case, it seems more like a window than a door.. but I'm in this horribly tall tower, and the window's my only option. Do I climb through it and leap to nothingness, or should I stay and starve my soul to death?

A little more..

Life has always been good for me but things have been trying lately. I never meant to hurt you, nor do I want to leave you but I don't see better alternatives than to end this. It's painful but it has to happen, it's either now or in the future when we will hurt more.

I never expected daddy to leave us so suddenly, nor do I expect to be the one who will be picked by mommy to take care of her in the future. I can't be so selfish as to not take care of her just because of my love life. Mommy is even willing to wait for me to finish my studies abroad, and even to to the extend of following me around to pursue my dreams. With that selfless attitude of hers, how can I be even more selfish than I already am?

I am sorry. Those words mean crap but that's exactly how I feel, sorry. I know hope was given after we patched up 3 years back but situations are so different now. Daddy is gone, our anchor is gone. I need to start taking up certain responsibilities in my life.

I've not always been faithful and LDR just doesn't work for me. I can't just leave and expect you to wait for me knowing that I might never return. I can't bring you along, I can't leave you behind.. and to end this seems like the only option now.

You've been a wonder to me, you've always been good and I will always love you. But as I've said and now say again, I'm sorry.

Boo, I'm so, so sorry.

It’s really hard, it really is but I can’t do this to you anymore. I need to let you go so I won’t hurt u anymore. You’ve been hurt enough and I can’t go on being selfish. I know you’re hurting, and I know it hurts but I do hope you’ll smile again. I do hope you will let this devil – me, let you go to find your true happiness.

Remember the song ‘Hate me’? Well, Boo.. I dedicate this song to you from the bottom of my heart. I’m sorry, please forgive me.

Gawd, what a turn of events and the unsuspected and unexpected occurance. I need a floor, I'm floating too far and too high or melting to the depths of bliss - not heights, but depths.

I need some air.

I'm reconsidering my choices. I'm choosing my dreams. I'm choosing this once and for all. Set love free, set Boo free. Go with the flow, achieve my dreams and live life happy for that. Just wish I didn't have to hurt anyone.

It's so hard to love me. It's so good to be loved by me, I do know.. yet so, so hard to love me back. I hurt those that I love, unwillingly.. yet I do so.

Where's my tomorrow? Where do I buy maps for the future? My future?

I'm flying so high I can practically hear the singing of the angels.. Yet why am I tearing up? If this isn't wrong, why am I feeling so confused?

There won't be an expected future anyway. Why bother thinking of being normal?

I'm not thinking with my head, I'm thinking too much with my heart. My life's so choked full of emotions now. I'm drowning in this hurricane of feelings.

Are you feeling as happy as I am?

Having you in my life has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Why such a wrong timing, why so late? Why if we're meant to be are things still looking so complicated?

How do I not love you when you're so, so much like my father that I've lost?

Life's so unfair.

While I'm floating on cloud nine - there's someone hitting the pits of hell, there's someone dying, there's someone crying, there's someone trying to end his life, there's someone feeling unloved, there's someone feeling lost, there's someone suffering from insomnia, there's someone falling out of love..

I feel that I'm so selfish yet I don't know what else to do.

How can someone have the power to control my emotions so? Elation is so wonderful I can't sleep another wink. Just having your silky smooth hand wrapped around mine, life turns to bliss? Am I dreaming or am I living my dreams?

We were just friends.. what are we now? What have we become?

Oh, what if...

I watched 'Sophie Scholl' today. In many ways I'm truly disturbed at mankind's history, present and future. We lived among war, we live among war.. will we live among war again?

I wake up every morning at 7.30. My war's the traffic jam to work. I battle at work and retire in the evenings. My day ends with drinks and chats with friends. Who but myself benefits from this routine I call life?

The calling's here again. I feel it and I don't know how to turn this down once more. What I should do remains a blur, yet the urge is strong.. the urge is there - just like how it was when I watched 'Contant Gardener'.. or 'War Stories' or even 'V for Vendetta'.

I have always been weaked when it came to truly fighting for what I believed in. I guess I fear death in some very absurd way. I hate saying goodbyes. I fear that fighting for my deepest beliefs will drive me further away from my loved ones.. perhaps even drive me six feet under.

It can't be such coincidence that I am exactly how a political rebel would be - brought up in a liberal family, a rebel at heart, positive by nature, emotionally driven, academically fair, very loud, very outspoken, very egoistic and very determined... should I mention my lack of interest in things that are neither here nor there yet my career seems to wooble around like a cup of Jell-O. Am I meant for different things? Should I free my soul from normality? Should I finally take up my stand? But how...?

I am willing, but lost. I would, but I know not how.. and it truly saddens me to be such a chicken shit.

Oh God, help me.

A note to you.

Dearest Xerxes

You've always been there for me through the best and worst days from as long as I can remember you being in my life. And I've been truly happy. I know our days are coming to an end and I really don't want it to, but I know I can't be selfish and I should let you go.

You mean a whole lot to me, more than you would ever know and I thank you for being you and I thank you for accepting me for who I am, and I thank you for your presence.

I want you to be happy too. I want you to be really happy in life for you have given me so much happiness and I don't know how to return the same to you. You deserve someone who would really love you and though I would want to, I'm incapable of doing so.

So when the time is right, it's alright for you to leave me. I wouldn't blame you, nor would I be too sad.. for if leaving me means a better and brighter tomorrow for you, I'd rather be left behind than to hold you back. Though I would be sad without you to hold my hand through the future days, I'd be sadder to see you sad. Please understand how important you are to me, and how much it'll hurt to have your missing presence in my life..

I wish you the best and I hope you'll always keep our cherished moments as good memories deep in your heart, just as I would.

No matter what happens, you'll always have a place in my heart. And you'll always be my no. 1 guy.

Different friends play different roles in my life. I'm just glad for all of them.

All I want is to be close to you, to have you near me, to talk to you and to be with you for as long as I can.. but all I'm doing is driving you away. I don't understand why. Please tell me why?

It's been so, so long but you're still in my dreams. Why? Why you?

Hah
I'm tired from work, tired of work.. more tired than tired and I think that's call exhausted.

But I'm alright, I'm still smiling.

Just a bit messed up with relationship issues now. It's all my doing la. So I'll just undo what I've done in due time.

Damn. No streamyx at home. Life's so different without internet once you get used to having the it around.

I want to go off soon!! Philippines count down.. 1 month, 3 weeks.

Leave me, let me be. Your promises are empty anyway. My tears left unwiped, my body shaken by more tears unshed.

You'll eventually walk away, why bother walking in at the first place?

No joy left, no laughter rung with truth. I'm just pretending, can't you guess? Why be happy when my heart's so broken, so incomplete?

Let go off my hand, drop me to the bottom of the cliffs. Don't looking when all you're searching for is someone I'd never be.

I could dance before, even smile.. There's nothing left but bitterness inside.

Why do I feel so, so down?

Daddy, you'll always be on my mind, in my heart and forever alive in my memories. I love you so much. Still missing you.

Closing the chapter of pain

It's been a year. A whole year. It's really, really time to move on.

A note to my beloved papa.

Dearest Daddy,

It has been 365 days without you and not one day goes by without feeling the flinch of pain, the longing to see you again. I know that you're well, much better than before you left and all the suffering has finally ended. I also know that you don't mind it in heaven, it's all you've ever dreamt of and living in a rubbish free environment has finally come through for you.

Mommy has been doing great. She's keeping busy helping ertie and ah wah with their little business. I'm glad she has something to keep her mind occupied. She still misses you horribly but another part of her knows that you're with the Lord now, and that's what matters most. She occasionally still thinks of your departure as one similiar to the days when you were travelling. We do know though, that you'll never come back to us this time but we will meet one fine day, when the Lord brings us back too.

Ah che came back during Christmas. She also brought mom and Jerome to Singapore. I didn't get the chance to meet her, but I know she's doing well in Japan with ko.

Jerome scored straight As, dy. I know you would have been so proud of him. I still remember the time when I told you about my winning the award and you showed me two thumbs up. I miss the feeling of knowing that you're so proud of me.

Jane has problems with her legs, dy. And we're horribly worried. She's very stubborn though and somehow feels she's still very youthful inside out. Pls do keep an eye on her, dy. We can't lose her too.

I've been travelling quite a bit. I needed to get away to let my sorrowful mind rest. It was good while it lasted, I still feel so much pain now. Though I have a job and I'm keeping busy, I know my life isn't one that anyone would be very proud of. I am not doing what I truly like, but I know I would, in due time. I just want to leave the country, so much. I want to walk the earth, take pictures of flowers, help the poor and the sick and also take care of mom and Jane. Pls do pray for me that I will be able to do so in the very near future, dy. I'm so tired of all these waiting and feeling miserable that I will stop self pitying already. I'm the only one in the family who's left behind from moving forward. I know you wouldn't want that for me, you love me too much to see me cry all the time.

I know that you're well but knowing that I'm not will not make you happier. I love you daddy. I love you so, so much. And I miss you so, so much too. Pls at least be with me in my dreams..

It's hurting more than it should. This isn't right, this weird pain. I'm supposed to be over all these emotional turmoil.. it's almost a year already. But it hurts so, so badly. I'm trying not to think at all, I'm trying to numb myself but I just can't help it. I don't want this pain, I really don't but I feel it anyway. Release me, pls?

The dreaded day will be coming soon, the past will be coming to haunt me and I will fall apart. May 30th, 2007 - a year from when daddy was taken away from us... How am I going to stay strong this time?

I need help. I'm feeling so confused, so emotionally drained and so broken.

Am I destined to be alone? Why am I driving the ones I love far away when all I want is to be close to them?

I'm falling apart or am I falling IN and also at the same time OUT of love?

Am I just a victim of cupid's mad, twisted experiment?

Is this what you call fate? These emotional tortures and mind wrenches?

Why him? Why her?

Goodbye X world. I'm confirmed leaving my company and going back to Continuum. :) Just a bit more patience, just a bit more poo to clean up and I'm.. GONE! :)

Philippines trip planning has kick started and am all geared up to shoot away in Manila, Tarlac, Baguio and maybe Boracay too. Can't wait!

Oh.. I got a free ticket to Bali next March so Pin and I will be shooting there too! :)

Life has been moving rather slow and fast all at the same time but as long as I'm out of this company, I'd need not worry about crazy traffic jams, long horrible rides in the LRT and maddening rush for no particular reason.

Have been missing Yen these days. At times it seems like she's still around. Daddy has almost been gone for a year. Che had a dream and daddy was saying that heaven's not all too different - it's clean and neat and he likes it. :) Why am I not getting such dreams? Why was I dreaming about payment vouchers and work?

Was thinking about Thailand while listening to Thai songs. Was thinking of Blue and the fact that he too has joined Daddy and Yen in the after world. Life's just so bloody short and things just happen so suddenly and changes happen all the time. I'm so tired of life sometimes. Where actually are we heading to and will there be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Is there a rainbow in the first place or all these just part of our illusions?

* sigh .. I miss you still, Daddy.

5 days in Kuching.

Going back to Kuching was nice. It was good spending time with mom, Jane, ertie and Jerome. It was good meeting with Bea, Glo, Livia and some others.

Going for long walks with mom, running errands with her, helping ertie with her catering business and keeping myself busy were simple highlights of this trip.

Just wondering when I'll be home again...

Malacca, awesome historic city.

Was in Malacca again during May 1st and 2nd. It was a rather quiet trip with Boo but I had lots of fun just lazying and eating food at Jonker Street.

I just adore the chicken rice ball but eating one meal would give me the eeky feeling already. I wonder why... Limau2's still wonderful and the Jonker dessert's heavenly! I still like walking around Jonker and the surrounding areas of A Famosa, feeling the historical vibe this places gives.

Malacca's defnitely my favourite place in Malaysia, at least for now. :)

Hate mourning. Hate myself mourning. And hate feeling mourn-ish. But why can't I just wake up already?

Love you mommy, Happy Birthday!

For April 17, 2007

Mommy's special day. Love you mommy and thanks for accepting and loving me just as I am. Happy birthday and may the good Lord bless you. Sorry I'm not in Kuching for this birthday of yours. Hope you had a smashing day.

I need a life. I need to get out of here.

Happy birthday daddy...

Happy birthday, dad. I miss you so much. I still do.

There goes my back.

I hurt my back again. It's so routined I'm getting a bit used to the pain. Ouch...

A few things to think about...

1) Should I stay or should I go?
2) Go where if I go - home or elsewhere?
3) What do I really want to do?
4) Gawd.. what am I good at?
5) Can I actually live my dreams?
6) What's the best way to live a free life and support myself?

More things to think about...

1) How do I get rid of the 2 cats that're haunting my house?
2) Where the heck do I get a gas company's number to get new tank of gas?
3) Should I buy things to cook or just forget about cooking.. * sigh .. there's no gas too!
4) How do I make my drying area look more decent - it's falling apart!
5) How do I get the bloody suction pegs thingy to work?
6) Will those bloody cats get in my room?

And the list goes on...

1) Will I be late today?
2) Will it suddenly get so horribly jammed I pass out sometime somewhere due to severe- jam-shock?
3) Will I get a bloody seat in the train?
4) Will the train breakdown or come late again?
5) Will my bosses run amok on me?
6) Will I chew up my colleagues?

So many questions, so little time..

I just want to sleep a bit later, pls?

Congrats, baby brother!

My baby brother scored all As for his SPM examinations. I am so damn proud of him. I just wish daddy was still around to witness his son's brief glory.

Still missing you, daddy and it doesn't get easier.

And I thought it'd be better

I was dumb to not go home for Chinese New Year as going home would mean facing reality head on that daddy won't be around for this year's celebration. Went to Kluang instead. It wasn't all that bad, it just wasn't as fun as all my Kluang trips had been. For one, everyone's busy with family commitments and family activities and I'm feeling very left out. Cindy's family celebrates CNY on a smaller scale and having 2 grown up kids make the house rather quiet as well. Left Kluang on the 2nd evening and spent the 3rd day rather bored. Went to visit Just's family at her Ah Kong's and was rather entertained there. Other than that, I've had a few rather quiet yumcha sessions and some working days for CNY as well. Oh, and a sick day off.

* sigh

Am looking forward to next year's CNY. Wonder how things will turn out to be??

The first dilemma of the year - I'm in the company that I do want to be in but not doing what I like and it's not going the way I want it to.

So what's next? * sigh

There are times when sacrifice disguises as stepping stones to bigger dreams. Will I ever reach you - dreams of Vicky?

I miss home but going back will mean facing with reality that I'm not ready to accept - how will CNY 07 be? Non existent?

I've been unfair to you, boo. I've always complained that you're too sticky and now that you're gone for a super short weekend trip in Siam, I'm complaining. What the heck is wrong with me? I now understand the shit I throw at you when I pack up and leave just 2 weeks (+/-) after announcing my departure to some foreign country alone.

* sigh

Year 2007 has been a year of reflecting, renewing, revitalising and all the re-s. Hmm..

Hey you. I've really, honestly not been stalking but gee.. are coincidents so coincidental?

Hmm.. another job interview for a position unidentified. The lady on the phone sounds fun. Let's go try it out on Monday at 7 pm okay?

Entering the X world. Seriously.

Job hunting was a bit scary but I finally found a job. I was supposed to be hired for an Executive for Special Projects post but due to my overwhelming (ya, konon) experience in part time adminstrative works, they thought I was interviewing for an admin assistant post and hired me. Gee. I'm in a huge event management company with lots to learn, lots of promises but am doing admin for 6 probational months. After that period, they might consider me for projects. Dilemma's announcing it's arrival once more and am not entirely happy PLUS I have to commute 1 1/2 hours - minimum travelling time, mind you - a day. Is this worth it? Will I be happy at the end?

Well, who knows. This is fun, not knowing what will happen tomorrow. I should stick to it for now.

Some changes ya.

I've been off the net for about 3 weeks now and not updated this space for about as long, or perhaps longer and things have changed.

Moving house was fun in some ways but suicidal in others. I wanted to cry as I was so tired having to juggle with work, not falling sick and house moving for a mad woman - me. I have so many things and in despair, I sat at the corner of my room late one night, crying inwardly on how crazy I must have been to get so many things in 4 short years.

It's good to have proper housemates and I love my new room. I like the little house very much but things are not totally settled yet, though I've been staying there for 3 weeks already! For once in my life, my bathroom's attached. :)

Am feeling that this year would be fun and nevertheless, aimless & carefree.

I never realised I'd miss you so much. Gawd.. you've just been away for 2 hours. Come back!!!