I watched 'Sophie Scholl' today. In many ways I'm truly disturbed at mankind's history, present and future. We lived among war, we live among war.. will we live among war again?
I wake up every morning at 7.30. My war's the traffic jam to work. I battle at work and retire in the evenings. My day ends with drinks and chats with friends. Who but myself benefits from this routine I call life?
The calling's here again. I feel it and I don't know how to turn this down once more. What I should do remains a blur, yet the urge is strong.. the urge is there - just like how it was when I watched 'Contant Gardener'.. or 'War Stories' or even 'V for Vendetta'.
I have always been weaked when it came to truly fighting for what I believed in. I guess I fear death in some very absurd way. I hate saying goodbyes. I fear that fighting for my deepest beliefs will drive me further away from my loved ones.. perhaps even drive me six feet under.
It can't be such coincidence that I am exactly how a political rebel would be - brought up in a liberal family, a rebel at heart, positive by nature, emotionally driven, academically fair, very loud, very outspoken, very egoistic and very determined... should I mention my lack of interest in things that are neither here nor there yet my career seems to wooble around like a cup of Jell-O. Am I meant for different things? Should I free my soul from normality? Should I finally take up my stand? But how...?
I am willing, but lost. I would, but I know not how.. and it truly saddens me to be such a chicken shit.
Oh God, help me.
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