All these will fade one day. All memories fade. These will go as well. Let me tell them before they eventually end up at the dump site of my brain cells.
We met at Ah Mei's funeral. It was a horribly tough time and Jac was shutting off her emotional system. I was one she chose to shut out. And I was left alone.
And you were there. Jac moving to stay with you conveniently bonded our friendship as I stayed over rather often. When times were still not too bad with Jac, we hung out a lot, at 7th mile. You were just 14 then. And I was 19. And you told me that I shouldn't give up on my bestfriendship with Jac because it was so hard to come by. And you told me that you admired what we had gone through to get to where we were. But it was a lie, because our friendship was falling apart. When I told Jac about fighting for our friendship, she just shrugged it off. And
she was gone, but you remained.
We didn't hang out everyday but I saw you rather often. From super long hair, you cut it shoulder length. I don't know why but you were always very sad and depressed. And I did stupid stuff and said stupid things to make you laugh. I came up with a questionnaire for us to find out more bout each other. And I asked you if you used the washroom with the toilet seat up or down. :) Hah. What stupidity. And I sleptover that night, coz Jac was in KL. You let me listen to some S.H.E song that I liked while we slept, so the next day when I woke up, I left Jay Chou's
'Kai Bu Liao Kou' on repeat for you. Justine said you deny this. Is Jay Chou so 'to deny'?
There was also once when we went to Memories in Padungan. I went to pick you up for yamcha.. and Jac's dad gave us a nice 50 bucks to enjoy our day, I just remember us at Memories chilling in the booth seats. What a nice treat.
Sharon Sagan. You were so bloody obsessed with her! And Jac was of course to be blamed. Why such bad influence??? Sharon calls you the toilet cousin for a reason. Gee, hiding in the toilet to avoid her during a CNY visit? Interesting...
And I remember you starting to chat then. With the nick 'freak'. Oh why, I have no idea. Your stupid friend from school bugged both of us so much. Ew, she even tried to kiss you. Joe right, her name? And you hated to have your pics taken then. I think it was the hair...
There was this time when we had a gathering at the pool place near Mina's shop. Gawd, even weird Joe went. And I taught you pool with Ah Pei or Zoey.. I think there were a few pool times, but these memories have already faded away. I have pics of these incidents, but you never seem to be in them coz you always volunteered to take them.
When I left for KL, and left Jac.. I left you too. I didn't see it that way, but I guess it was like that.
I remember December 2003's gathering at Sandy's place. I made Jac bring you. Your hair was already short then. But we could still talk so much.
Other than that, I only remember meeting you for lunch at Jac's shop. And you were chatting with my brother and I. Sweet times. Good food!!! But you rushed off for work at Everise after that.
And last Chinese New Year we went out. I managed to get a pic of you in Bing, but not at the Junk. But I have a nice video shot at Bing. Well, at least some footage of you speaking to me again.
You came to KL in April 2005 and that was when the friendship took a turn, for the better. Jov picked you from the airport, I think.. and we went to Kim Gary's for dinner. We forced you to take sticker pics with us, of course you tried to run.
There were so many days after that that I slept over at Jov's with you and later Mac joined us.. and there were also so many times when you came over either with Jov or alone. We went to eat good beef and prawn noodles at KL which cost a bloody bomb. And we could lie in bed and talk and talk and talk. We talked bout everything. We talked while lying next to each other, in the car, through drinks.. through the phone, all the bloody time. Good times. You told me that you wanted to get an operation one day, to become a man. But till then you'd always still be a girl. That can't be denied. Hah. Of course we talked bout my obsession with Daniel Loy and your
obsession with Ice. I am so sure you were one of the rabbit stalker company - victims of mine. :) After awhile you started work at Bamboo and we had lunch there so we could hang out with you. But the supervisor treated you like shit. * sigh ...
I remember going to Yum Yums with you a lot. And I even met Mac there with you. You brought me to TGI Friday's sometime while working at Bamboo. It was awesome and we were stuffed full. Brought some leftovers home for Jov, and she was annoyed that we boycotted her. :) It was one of those boycotting times. Fun. Bitching bout others to you was of course to let you know not to act like them. I remember 2 particular occasions, one at the mamak near Ridzuan with Jov, and another at Starbucks, just us two.
You were there at my final presentation showcase, to help clean up.. :P and you were also there during my birthday. And my major student council events like Loud and Wild.. and of course during friends' outing. You were there, and I was there but somehow the gap between us was growing. And you broke the plate Ice gave me. Gee Yen, you never glued it back!
Oh darn, that lost IC. Gawd, we must have awaken before 6 that day to queue up, but that damn guy who opened the door, shit him.. we had to queue for so bloody long. Anyway the IC was made! You wanted to bring me to some duck place, but it wasn't open, I think. So we just ate noodles. :)
You were working at Yum Yums sometime then, and Justine was crazy for you. And I don't really know what you felt for her. But there were exchange of feelings, I'm sure. I don't know why I could never approve of it. Perhaps I knew you liked Ice too much to be totally sincere with your feelings for Just, or perhaps I was afraid Just would hurt you. It was all just crazy but I shut that out as well.
You changed and I changed and I nagged so much and you just got sick of me and I couldn't understand you and I gave up on you. I told Jac that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do it for her anymore. I couldn't take care of you anymore. Your changed scared me so. I was just so afraid you'd leave me like Ah Mei. If we cared enough, Ah Mei wouldn't have left us. But I wouldn't have met you. And I failed again. And you thought I betrayed you coz I told Jac and she told you off. But all I did was cared too much. And I just let you think that way coz it was just so much easier like that.
And like Just said, shit hit the fan. Jov threw you out. Oh Yen, I wasn't even there. But even if I was, I don't know what I would have done. What was there to forgive when it was all just small mistakes? A snowball of small mistakes? Denial was so much easier, shutting you out was the way out.. and I let you go. And I never fought hard enough to tell you how sorry I am to have walk out on our friendship. Those calls I tried to make to you, those messages I sent.. I was never persistent enough to break through that barrier. Never available enough, and never persistent enough.
And then you were gone. Our friendship remains one with many regrets, of what I could have done, of what I didn't do enough, of what I should have stopped doing but didn't. Oh what I would trade to have you talk to me again, to apologise to you, to tell you how much you mean to me. But it's just too late. No matter what I do after you've left will never be enough to change the things of the past. Yen, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to make you sad. Our friendship started with me cheering you up, you know I would never have wanted you to end up
being sad. I'm just so stupid to have forgotten the past and to forget to cherish you the way I should have. I'm sorry I was never good enough for you in this friendship. But please do know I love you, and I will never stop loving you, our friendship will always be one to remember.
Goodbye Yen. I love you so much.
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