Mixed Emotions

I let go off the COC on Friday night, at midnight. In many ways I am relieved and really, really happy to 'retire' for it has always been on my mind since Day One joining the council 2 years back. However, now with the burden gone, life just feels so empty.

Loud and Wild was loud and wild and in many ways really crazy. Everything spun around me as I walked the corridors of MSC feeling horribly sick, tired and depressed. I smiled when I could but all I wanted to do was to hide and cry. Some people tell me that parties are supposed to be fun. I guess the usual parties are fun. Council parties just take a few more hours off my already short life from me. Been planning this party for a month or so, taking breaks in between. The more breaks I took the more I had to pay back by not sleeping the days after. Some friends around me witnessed this but not to the maximum effect, of course.

All I wanted was to plan something that will make people happy for the last time in the council. I don't even know if that was achieved. Mr. Anderson said it went really well and faults that happened were just minor ones. I somehow do not feel the same. I guess I expect too much from everyone and myself. These after party emotions I feel should be blamed on no one but myself.

I really felt glad in a way the moment I gave my speech and introduced Vivien to the crowd as the new president. I will be giving up the responsibility that includes always being mentally and emotionally abused by people around who do not co-operate the way they should or delivering things they promised they would. And about my speech.. gee, I don't even remember what I said. I just know I wasn't prepared and that I was babbling like crazy. Oh.. and the grand walk in, I flew right in and screamed at some people inside in front. No one noticed, but I missed out on the only 'glorious' time I could have enjoyed.

Sick. Sick. If letting go means letting go off bad stuff, why then do I feel so awkwardly uncomfortable with the fact that it's all over? Why am I not jumping up and down with glee, clapping my hands and drinking beer? Why do I feel like tunneling to Timbuktu for permanent residence? Are all these feelings caused by reasons pointing to the fact that I now know it really is the end of me being in MSC? Changes are happening so fast inside out for the college I know soon things will all be different. Why do I care? I will still be doing my Degree there. Why do I feel so lost now? Why do I feel like I'm never ever going back? What's my problem?

All these mixed emotions make me feel so down. People tell me they understand. But I know deep down inside they don't. The only person to make this okay would be myself. Me, myself and I. * sigh * But I'm just too tired for now...

And I'm going to miss everyone in college so much... All the council people who weren't too shitty as well.. Caryn and Sean.. Darren and the new Chinese bunch and the China bunch.. and the Malay bunch.. and Edmund.. the old bunch (well sometimes I will be glad I left but not now.. )

* sighhhhh