You're not mine to have anymore.
You were never mine in the first place, and perhaps you will never be.
But my heart is yours and I want your heart so much. Or maybe even more than that.

You're driving me insane...

To live everyday as though it was my last. Literally, this is not entirely a lie.

I want to cry before I leave, for I may never come back again. But if I do return, what's the use of wasting all these precious tears?

But it is undeniable that I may never return to UP or IC in the same manner of life as I live here now. I may visit, but I may never be able to resume, or continue, or 'come back'. I'm too tired to explain, too humiliated to describe, too afraid to let them down.

I am seriously unsure of my tomorrows, and the months and years to follow.

All I know is that I am in a lot of pain, and I cannot live a normal life anymore. I need to postpone, or give up, or sacrifice in order to just, survive.

Vicky Ang is falling down, falling down, falling down. My back pain is causing my nerves to twitch so much it caused me to fall down and sprain both my ankles in the previous months, but lately, even without falling or walking, my right ankle has the ability to self-sprain. I even get that when I'm just sitting down.

I'm in so much pain I no longer have the ability to describe what I'm going through to my friends. I do not know what to do, but to just hold on and endure with the madness of being disabled but the ability to look completely well.

I'm so tired. I so want to give up.

The awe and stupidity of my love for you...

I started loving you even before I knew that I was capable of loving again.
I loved you even more than I allowed myself to ever do so.
I loved the way I love you and I loved even more the way you make me love you so.
My heart beats for you. They rhythm it takes, the pauses, acceleration.. they all sing and hum the tune of your name.

I have no idea what I would do if I could not love you.
Knowing that you might never love back breaks my heart, but it does not crush my soul.
I know that if I love you silently, but remain as your true muse, my soul will sustain.
Loving you has brought me to challenge the impossibilities and ride with conquests of uncertainties.
And though I can still secretly love you now, I know that the inability to express has somehow mellowed my ability and capacity of fighting on.

I want to love you still, though there is no reason to do so, no benefits to obtain, no love in return.
But I would rather have that, than to lose the chance to continue loving you, for loving you makes sense of all the things I think is insane.

Come what may, E...

The storm is over.
I'm fine now.
I'm going home.

I'm so bitter, but I don't even care about it anymore.

How different I had it last year.

Don't be so quick to judge me, you've never had to go through things as harsh as I have it.
Don't think you know me well, we might have similar blood running through us but fate had it that we had it different.
Don't even dream about telling me that I am who I am because of just what I did, there are 101 things that was definitely not part of my plan that happened because I don't have it as well as you did, and I'm not as strong as you are.
Don't use my misfortunes against me.

The words you use just don't seem human at all. All you do is to think that I want to hurt our family but are you really so insane to not see what I'm going through and try to understand and just be there for me and let me cry? Are you so crazy to think I'm that inhumane? And that selfish? No matter how much I do, how well I do it, you are just like her... you will never be able to accept me for who I really am.

Yes, I'm useless. I'm 27 and I'm not giving the family the money that is the source of our existence. Well is it not the source of our existence if every focus revolves around it?

I have shared my best days with you all, and kept my worsts secrets. And even then you still can't share my burden? This phase of my life is not what I wanted at all, why can't you just see me through it, as my family?

Since daddy died, I think the worst unit of institution that I have to deal with is this bloody family. You told me that since I want to serve so much, why don't I just serve my family? Well, I'll tell you. With all these crap that you throw my way, the LAST PEOPLE I would serve, is my family.

I just wish someone would tell me I'm adopted. Then the world and my life would make sense again.

If you do love me, why do you make it so difficult?
If you do love me, why do you make me cry?
If you do love me, why can't you just do it unconditionally?
If you do love me, why does it feel so painful?
If you do love me, why can't you accompany me through this challenging times with just love, and not other judgments that you apply?
If you do love me, why do you make me feel otherwise?

It makes me feel like you don't love me.
And if you don't love me, why did you bring me into this world?

I really never asked to be born. My life is a living hell every day as it takes.
I never asked for weak genes or to be so different, to have accident befall
me as though they were showers of blessings.

The only good thing you truly gave me was to introduce Him to me.
And if not for Him, I would have died many years ago, or even try to
end this misery now. Right here, right now.

If you can't do this JOB well, then don't. Don't pretend to do it
just because you're obliged. I'm disobliging you.

Perhaps I would hurt less if you don't love me and admit it.

It's coming. The dreaded injection test(s) shit is heading my way. One more month. One more month before I'm wheeled into the operation theater and treated like an animal again. The pain is so unbearable I really don't know how I can bear a second round of it. Even the thought of it freaks me out, turns my body cold.

And there's not even anything after wards to take my mind away. There's no ASC to look forward to at the end of the day.. and unknowingly, then I met E after wards. But there's no that to look forward to anymore too.

I don't like self-pitying, but I'm really so afraid.. and I just want to cry.

And the end of this/ these injection test(s) only brings worse news. Confirmation on an operation I might not be able to afford, or a dragging on series of ridiculous milder treatments. Nothing that excludes pain, nothing that excludes money, nothing that excludes misery.

Sometimes I wish I could just die. Just like that. And death is also totally not excluded from the picture. Or being crippled. Or something else going wrong.

And this isn't even temporary. This pain will last forever, just lessened. And this problem and injury will constantly come back to taunt me. This is just Part One of a very long and tiring game to play - one that I never asked to be included in, one that I can't afford to play, one that I just want to call quits and end it forever. Sometimes I wish it was cancer. Then I would know it would end soon soon. Then pain won't be in vain, and there really won't be a tomorrow that I fear and don't dare to dream about anymore.

Do you really think that you can come and go whenever you like, take whatever you want and leave whatever you don't think suits.
Do you think that you can judge me however you like, tell me that I think like this or like that and take that against me.
Who are you to include me when you want to and treat me like trash when you feel like joke's at the tip of your tongue?
You're wrong to think that you can step all over my head and treat me like a convenient stop over.

I'm sorry if you think that this is what we call friendship.

For me, friendship is HARDCORE. Friendship is about true feelings, not some superficial fake mask you put on when you feel like it. It's all or nothing, you're it or you're not. It brings the benefits I give, but not just makes you another insignificant being in this world.

I'm sorry my emotions rule my relationships. I want it that way. Life is too short to pretend that there's always a next time, there's always tomorrow. For all we know, tomorrow may never come.

It's broken again~

I got my heart broken again. It's not the first time, and I have a horrible feeling that it won't be the last. It hurts so, so much but all I'm thinking is that this is part of life. I'm treating this situation so matter-of-fact-ly that I can't seem to just cry and let it out and let it go. I just feel that I'm so sick and tired of all these stupid love games - how they start so well and end so bad and how much I get entangled in the emotional entrapment of heart-brokenness..

I want to move on, I guess I should. It's the healthier way, but before I cry and let all the pain and misery be channeled out of my system, I cannot really smile again.

What is my problem? Why can I never keep love? Maybe it's just so not meant to be. Or perhaps I'm just dumb, and irrational and unreasonable and I asked for this pain and if I try to be normal and less impulsive and silly and crazy, things will be fine. Perhaps it's all my fault. Perhaps it is.

Goodbye E. Goodbye for now.