I met Hanna's father in person today. He was apologising for forgetting my kimchi. :) I met him before but he was in the car but today he was just standing in front of me and I was being all polite and formal.

And suddenly I just missed daddy so. He reminded me so, so much of him..

It's been almost 2 years and 2 months but the pain will never seem to go away.

Birthday related updates.. :)

Truly blessed I am. I had lunch with Betsy at Chocolate Kiss. Ate some beef that went deliciously well with the served mashed potatoes. :) Betsy gave me a black forest cake from Seattle's Best. It was.. really good. A birthday cake! I thought I wouldn't have any this year. Proven wrong again. We talked. About a lot of things, her past, mine, her UP life, mine and views on certain issues in the Philippines. I guess hanging out with older people always lead to talks on issues - be they political, social or just erm.. issues? It was around then that CJ called and made my heart melt. I have such a sweet son. (Yay, 2 Malaysian calls already!!!)

I met up with Asami and Tomu (Japan exchange student classmates) at the International Center for Tuesday's presentation. Had to explain (more than I expected!!) economy situations in the Philippines during the American colonisation period to Tomu. His English is.. blur. :P Bon was there too, and Rika joined as well. Rhudiana (a Pinay from south) was there and we chatted and it was nice. :) Messages were rolling in, and my 'one day only fake boyfriend Christoph' messaged me and apologised for not spending the day with me as he wasn't on campus. :P Glo called, it was good to hear her voice, and Pin sent a really touching and inspiring message.

Finally getting Alvi (the Brunei guy) on the line, we confirmed our dinner plans and went to Treehouse for dinner. It was a nice dinner talking about our lives (as usual.. Alvi and I hangout to bitch about bad things in our lives and help each other throw out all the bad aura.. :P) Walking arm in arm along the dark corridor after dinner to get a jeep, Alvi sang me my birthday song. He's such a nice friend. My phone buzzed and I got a message from my prized pig baby brother. :) Jerome has forgotten my birthdays often enough (and got shit from me too, of course) to not forget this year. While we were in the jeep on the way back, Syl called from Aussie!!! Wow, an out of the continent call. :)

I didn't want the day to end. I really didn't. :P So I looked Joy up and we chatted till it was almost midnight before I headed home. While I was chatting with Joy, ertie messaged me. A very typical Chinese birthday message, I thought - with the words health and wealth. :) And the sweetest ever thing for this birthday, was to get a call I was hoping for. Boo called. I guess my day was complete then.

Till after midnight, many messages from classmates and other friends were rolling in. And before I closed my eyes to sleep, I thanked the good Lord for such wonderful people in my life and for being so blessed and to bless those who do not know their birthdays, and those who have lives so tough birthdays hold no meaning other than growing old and bearing more responsibilities. It was a good quiet moment with God.

I checked my Friendster and Facebook accounts and realised that there were even more wishes there. Too many to mention! :) Thank God for these internet networks. Kiwi gave Just the wrong number so both their messages didn't get through. Hah.

Joe and I had kimbab and salad (my birthday gift) on Tuesday evening. We were also planning for his birthday which is coming up. We talked about the situation he's facing on getting a weird girl he likes from the College of Fine Arts. :) I enjoy hanging out with Joe, I can crap so much and tell him serious things too. Hanging out with him reminds me of hanging out with Jerome and Meh.

The wishes continued until today. Hanna gave me 2 necklaces from Korea but her dad forgot to bring the kimchi which is my other birthday gift :) I also got a message from some of my classmates who think I turned 27. Imagine getting a 'Happy 27th Birthday' paper card thingy? I was like.. hmm.. is the age written wrongly or are they almost a year early?

I know (for a fact.. haha) that the birthday thing will only die down a week later so I'm happily receiving belated wishes and belated gifts! :P But the best thing about this birthday is that though I thought it would be the hardest, it turned out to be one of the most naturally unplanned super duper celebrations I had. It was perfect. There wasn't anything else I'd rather do or not do.

And of course because of that, I'm at peace with the world.. and smiling! :)

As another year creeps up

I've been paranoid for the past week about today. :) July 21.

I can't recall a year when my birthday wasn't a special day for me. I can't remember not having my friends around, and not getting wishes throughout the day. And somehow when I moved here, all the insecurities started to flow. I was afraid that my best buddies back home, the chimuis and all the family members I have, will forget my birthday.

I was so much of a paranoid that I started reminding people of my birthday. I really did not want to go through a July 21 without being wished and without my friends making a little bit of a fuss for me. It's not
just the attention, please don't get me wrong.. it's more like the confirmation and security my friends offer when they remember that special day of mine.

Anyway, I had a lovely dinner at the Old Spaghetti House on Saturday with Joy from Korea, Bon and Rika from Japan, Farah from the Philippines and Christoph from America. Other than Farah, the others are all from one of my classes 'Social Welfare & the Philippine Reality'. As foreigners, we somehow find comfort to know that the other is around and experiencing the same difficulties. Occasionally, our countries (thank God we're Malaysians and Malaysians have not done colonising and buying up people's land much in the Philippines) are condemned for the behaviours of the government and the ancestors. I really admire how my friends from those other countries can cope with all the accusations (not all are false though) about their homeland. Even though the good food contributed much to our awesome evening, it was the conversations we had that were really fun and enjoyable - getting to know each other, our different cultures and talking about our happy, sad and stupid moments. I won't ever forget that evening. :)

I met up with Adrian (IMCS Asian Coordinator from Malaysia) at Trinoma yesterday. Prior to yesterday, I met one of his friends (whom he hasn't met before yesterday) Nerve, who's an activist and also an ex UP student, at a social awareness exhibition that shed much light on the current political and social issues in the Philippines. I met Nerve again yesterday and was also introduced to Golda. Golda's a really petite girl who at her young age, has already contributed much to documentary productions on social issues in the Philippines. We bumped into Richard and Audrey who're fighting for the rights of the indigenous people north of Luzon as well. :) It was a very interesting afternoon full of debates and inputs on issues that I am curious about. Richard and Audrey left after lunch but the remaining 4 of us went for Mamma Mia. Hilarious, fun and truly sweet, I would definitely recommend this movie to those who enjoy the 'new oldies'.

After the movie, Golda and Nerve parted ways from us and Adrian and I were joined by Girard. He's a seminarian who's taking a vacation from the religious life. :P I make that sound so wrong, but I guess he's just taking some time off before tying the knot with God. Nothing too wrong about THAT la. We took a jeep and met up with another Malaysian lady Teresa who trains lay leaders prior to their service in their own ministries and countries. She's fun, she's crazy and we had lots to laugh about through dinner of pizza and other side dishes. Saying more goodbyes after dinner, we went to Sarah's (a drinking place on UP campus at Krus Na Ligas) and met up with Shao Yi (a Malaysian Community Development graduate student from my college who loves drinking.. :P). Amidst the laughter and getting to know each other, we were joined by Diks, Leo, Archie and Kal. I stayed with Diks before moving out to Pook Dagohoy and Archie and Kal were my housemates. Leo visits us so often and as we spent much time together, we're close too. I was so overwhelmed with happiness to see so many friends there. Other than Diks, the rest are friends that I met since coming here. I admit I wasn't totally innocent that night la. Girard and I were joking about hooking up after knowing each other for 4 hours. I guess the group were a bit tipsy so our jokes were not too innocent but they were all for laughing purposes lang. Nerve came over with his friend but sat on a different table though. At midnight (they counted down for me), they lit lighters for me to wish on and 'blow out' and many wished me happy birthday :)

Before midnight, Glo sent me a message to 'forewarn' me that she will only call in the evening. :) Thoughtful. Maybe past history of being the first or the last and somehow not making it just makes us very careful about each other's birthday! :P Farah messaged me at midnight and 40 minutes later Nic called. Oh yay!! I got my call. The call that represents that I'm not TOTALLY forgotten back home, that was enough to keep me smiling throughout the night. Our group thinned out and I was sent home in a cab. (Adrian was a bit shocked to see Pook Dagohoy). :P Girard messaged me before I fell asleep, wishing me happy birthday again. He's so sweet. :P

And this morning when I woke up, Jet (my classmate for English classes) sent me a message too. Chia, Maan and Mommy Santiago have sent their wishes as well and I'm asked to have lunch later with Betsy. I was supposed to eat Malaysian food cooked by Shao but drinks last night is giving her a horrible hangover! :P I feel bad... My future sister in law/ classmate/ most 'kikai' girl in class, Kat sent her greetings too.

I HAD to go online to get my wishes so here I am. Mom sent me a mail that made me cry. I was just too happy to receive her mail - she sent it early in the morning after waking up before doing her morning exercise!! Jane and Jerome sent their wishes through her too, Jane even reminded her to wish me! :) That's something to cry about, right? :P I can't log on to Friendster as I'm in the library but so far on Facebook, I had wishes from Sharon, Cammy, Triz, Audrey, Melor, Angel, Ali (a Nigerian guy who was trying to court me), Wan Ling (oh my God I'm so lucky she remembered!!!!), Reese, Wani and Boo. :) Papa Kelvin messaged me just now too. :) Joy gave me my first gift of a Sound of Music original VCD. Yay, non piracy - I can bring the VCD with me to different countries without being locked up! Adrian gave me spices from Thailand as requested so that food will be more tolerable here. (I'm Malaysian, I'm pampered with thousands of dishes from many, many ethnic groups. I can be choosy about food if I want to be!!) I know I sound like I'm counting and recording and I actually am. Every year for my birthday, I write down my messages on paper before deleting them off days (or months) later. I am THAT sentimental la. :P

I am lucky and truly blessed. And though I'm far away from home, those from home still remember they love me. That's already something to be really happy about. On top of that, I have new friends wishing me and celebrating for me.

I just have to learn to take things easy. Things will turn out well, eventually. Harry's advice is echoing in my head again. Oh how I miss having him around.

I'm letting my paranoia sleep for now. Hopefully it will never wake up again. Count my blessings, count my blessings. :) That's what I should do. And thank God too.

p.s. While writing this, I got to chat with Caryn who's in Melbourne now. :) How good it is to chat.. :)

I think I'm feeling homesick.

I don't like this feeling. I want to cry all the time, especially when I'm alone.

I don't feel like eating anything in particular - food's just to fill up my stomach.

I'm finding fault with people, and with things - finding situations to get pissed at, whatever it is doesn't really matter, I just want to lament.

Turning 26 is nothing to look forward to, there won't even be a cake anyway. Gawd, I want a Secret Recipe cake!

My heart's in knots, I can't think of home - I'd cry. And not thinking about home makes me dream about home and dreaming about home makes me want to cry even more. It's starting to rain more now.. maybe that's causing me to feel like crying too. And I don't like to be alone.

I think I'm feeling homesick.

Assignments and presentations on a Wednesday

A good end to a day of classes. Though it's just 4.20 in the afternoon, I feel that today has been eventful enough, and a long one, in that sense.

I woke up before 5, before the light shone through my windows. I went to sleep to keep myself away from the thought of hunger and food - as it was late, I didn't want to go out to buy food and it was hard to find food as well. The next thing I knew, it was past 4 in the morning and I still had 4 story concepts to come up with.

Oh well, so after a bit of rushing, printing and walking hurriedly to class, I had my first class of the day. Creative writing. To be honest, I dislike her, the one that teaches. She finds fault at the oddest moments and when she's late, she gets pissed, at us. * sigh. But today was fun. She told us stories and the whole class was pleasant.

And when we were let out, I ran to the Toki stand and took the next Toki (for once, I just squeezed in despite it being all packed up with students) and arrived slightly late for my next class. I'm always late as the later class is held in CSWCD but the first class in Palma Hall (a walk would take at least 15 minutes). But later than I were my group mates who were supposed to present with me. And so, I had to start presenting first (this is the group presentation that I was preparing for during unhappy rambles the day before) and while I was - late group mates arrived, can't stop talking during presentation of others and the whole thing was a mess. I know it was OK but OK isn't going to get us great grades. To think this is what my money is buying me out from? Lousy crappy group mates who can't do their parts of assignments properly AND do not want to include me in it thus having me look bad as part of the group of this? Ah, crap.

I had lunch at Vinzon's Hall after submitting my passport over to OSA who's handling my 'it's-taking-forever' student visa process. The lunch line was long, the food was a bit crappy but it was cheaper than the other eating places in UP. Oh whatever.

After lunch, I had 2 hours of preparation for my Medea presentation. I had to compile notes for my group members but this group was nice. Jet, Abi and Roy (though he missed our group meeting). Jet and Abi have come up with a lot of information on Greek theater and Tragedy plays, even about Euripides who wrote Medea so I didn't mind doing the notes as my share. I had more info on Themes and Mythological Background - but since Roy wanted to do MB, I let him and settled for Themes. I stretched out with music blaring from my laptop in the middle of the Lagoon (a jungle like area in between the academic oval of UP, with lots of trees and grass) at some stone chairs and prepared the notes. I actually enjoyed the whole process very much and finished much earlier. :)

And presentation later that afternoon was fun. Jet and Abi went first and for once after a long, long time - I felt really happy to be in front presenting to the class on something I knew, something I was confident about and something I liked - the themes used for the Medea play. And my audience was entertained. :) Ah, I'm happy. Roy entertained us further providing info on Greek myth.

At least today went well. I can't have bad days everyday and thankfully, today was good.

I realised something though. I am not in exile but being far away from home does feel like exile. Exile from the people I love.

Oh well, I'm happy for now.


p.s I want to see Mr Kim. I saw him a few days ago and was extremely elated. I'm nuts.

Sore rambles

Am I suppose to continue lying? I'm not happy. The excitement is dying down and all that's left are sore ramblings. I'm tired of hanging out with the kids, I'm sick of being the one to pay for group assignment costs because they're not making an effort to translate to me what they want to do, thus, I can't perform and have ended up being the one to foot the bill for games' presents and xerox copies.

I love my university. It's beautiful and I love a lot of things about it. But honestly, there's only 2 Filipinos in UP that I can have proper conversations with. The rest are all 'hi' 'bye' friends. I have international friends, though. On the surface I look happy, but deep down I'm having doubts on the whole scenario. I am doing what I want to do, but how do I get along with the bunch of children? Children who comment on other people's group work as being 'non substantial' and end up suggesting things that are almost at par as the other groups anyway.

I don't know how I'm going to make this leap to fit in. Like what Alvi said, am I supposed to self invite to join others for lunch? To tag along? Yet even if I'm there, their conversations are those that I don't want to bother with anyway.

I've often taken pride in the fact that I can get along with people of all ages. I guess I'm wrong now and it's obvious. There are some who will always be a bit too young for me to handle on an everyday basis. But the old ones are not around!!!

I'm sick and tired of the stares people give me when they find out that I'm a foreigner and the reluctance in their voice when they have to translate things to me in English. Gawd, to think of how much they adore American culture and yet refuse to utter the words in English?

I mean, yes, I understand that I have to learn the language. I am trying! But give me some time to adapt. I feel so suffocated. The more I'm forced to learn, the more I'd throw it all out. I can't join class discussions and group discussions and there are some lectures that are even hard to swallow. Sigh...

Perhaps it'll get better. It has only been a month. But one thing I know, this experience has a really high price to pay. I know it's one of a kind, and though I'm just that eccentric and all, I really do wonder how much more of this I can cope.

My first creating writing assignment..

“For Identity”

I stepped into the room. An oddly chilly cubicle. It could be the air-conditioner that was causing the chill, or my nerves. Was I supposed to be prepared for this? I wasn’t sure. I started to wonder if anyone could be sure about this matter. I mean, it would be an impact that would last forever? Would it not? This would be an imprint that almost nothing could erase. I had to think this over. Is this another one of my impulsive saga? One that would leave me with much regrets during the later days? Having to think this over for 24 hours might not have been enough. A lifetime of regret seemed too much to handle, but I’ve been dreaming of today for too long already. I need to put this in action, dreaming alone cannot describe what I would feel in the next few hours or so. This is something I want, a desire that has been burning up a hole in me.

There’s no turning back now. He gestured for me to take a seat on a comfy sofa. Sofa? But won’t I get to lie down on some silk sheets in comfort? Satin, then, if silk is too expensive. But no, sofa it was and sofa I had. I tried to numb all feelings of pessimism but cold sweat trickled down my forehead. My palms were slightly damped too. Silly girl, you are ready. It was the angel in me trying to soothe my mashed up nerves yet tauntingly, the devil was suggesting otherwise. Oh shut up please. With what I’m about to do, who takes which side? This is something only I could psych myself through.

He smiles and asked if I was ready. I nodded. Words were stuck in my belly, together with the butterflies that were dancing around. Am I supposed to feel nauseous before all this? His hands were cold as he guided me to bend over. I lost contact with skin as rubber took over. It wasn’t exactly rough, not sticky too – just not skin. I closed my eyes, I tried to envision pain in its worse form. I sucked a deep breath so hard my body shuddered as though I was punched. And it happened.

The piercing through multiple layers of skin brought a sharp penetration that was both pleasurable and painful. Unable to resist, I wondered if the fact that losing two loved ones this year has driven me to this decision. Emotional pain seemed so much more superior in comparison to this physical action of hurt. Endlessly the contact of skin and blade brought a stinging in my eyes. I wasn’t crying. I’m too grown up to cry through an ordeal that I brought upon myself but pain isn’t one that I packaged to such heights with this experience. Denial of pain would cause so much more.

For an hour and a half, I endured. He wasn’t rough, he was actually very gentle and professional in his movements. I am sure that he has performed this act a million of times to be so good at it but when he told me that it was done, relief swept past and happiness settled.

It is done. The worse (or perhaps not) is over. My skin has lost its virginity. Under blood and bodily fluids lies an identity of where I am from, an impressionist design of an eggplant flower, one which my skin will house for the rest of my life.

Mr Kim

I have a crush. A crush on someone that I don't know. All I know is that I saw him in the jeep a few days before going back to KL to get the docs for my student visa. He was eavesdropping on a conversation I was having with Yuko, my Japanese-exchange student-classmate. When he smiled, he actually looked kinda cute. So I sneaked a peek at his name tag and found out that his name is Kim X X. X is for not identifying what the rest was. :P

I told my classmates and we giggled about it. The IC (International Center - international dorm) girls wanted to know who he was and help me find out whether he's staying there, or not. But gee. Kim is one of the most common surnames for Koreans! :P How many Kims must we stalk before we find the right one?

Harry knows about this too. And he told me that even though I know nothing of the guy now, in the future, I will know everything. He will be my husband. Hah. The thought of that was enough to send me roaring with laughter. Oh well, that's Harry talk. He's so confident that I'll marry a Korean he told me that that's his biggest wish for me. Man...

Here's a bit about UPD.
UP Diliman is huge. 400 over hectares crammed with thousands of people - students, professors, staffs, outsiders.. oh well, you get the picture. We are serviced by the Ikots and Tokis, jeepneys that chauffeur us around campus via set routes. I met Mr Kim on a Toki, by the way.

I flew back here yesterday. Tired out, I finally made plans with Shao Yi (a penyu doing her masters in my college) to eat at the one place where they serve Indian-tasting food. Though pricey, I visit that joint to replenish my taste buds with the craving for spicy stuff. And as I was rattling on on who-knows-what, Mr Kim walked in. Coincidence? Perhaps. After dinner, I met up with Joy for her to translate Harry's note. Joy stays at IC so I paid her a visit and who walks pass the lobby? Mr Kim. (So he stays there, yipee!) And after hanging out with Joy for an hour or so, we said our goodbyes and parted ways. And guess who I met again? Mr Kim. Gawd. Coincidence??? Joy says it's fate. Love. Hah.

I hopped on to an Ikot just now to get a t-shirt (that wasn't available, they misplaced my order!!) from the Uni. Film Institute. I hate to ride the jeeps and would only do so if I'm in a hurry between classes or if I'm rushing. Scheduled for a meeting half an hour later, I had no choice but to ride on the Ikot. Passing by a stop.. oh my goodness, Mr Kim got on! Again! Sheesh man, am I unknowingly stalking the guy or is he following me around? There are just so many people on campus, and so many Ikots and Tokis! Joy insists that there's something up between the two of us. I think Mr Kim was shocked to see me too. Again!

So I've decided to do the brave thing. The next time I see him (let's hope the situation would be pleasing - not one where I'm falling flat on my face, or drenched with sweat, or worse...), I will introduce myself and ask him for his name! I need to know the Xs behind the Kim! And I don't think it'll be awkward to do so, anyways. What's more awkward is if we keep on bumping into each other as strangers. Well he might think I'm stalking him then. :P

I thought they wouldn't fall but they did.
I thought I was strong enough but I'm not.

Goodbyes are difficult and being far away from the people that you love most is not an easy thing. It's okay to cry. It really is.

Wise words

Life is like a circle. No matter how good or bad it is, the past has past. But we should always embrace the future with the lessons we have learned from the past. We will meet our past again and even though it is a repeat, it will be different, but perhaps better. We should not hold on too tight to the past, so much so that it will affect our present. Everything will be okay.

Harry wrote these wise words on a Jollibee serviette the morning I left for KL, the morning we said our goodbyes. It was written in poetic Korean and my classmate Joy translated it for me. I know it's not a 100% accurate, but the points are apparent enough.

I'm just so thankful to have met him. Though he's no longer around with me, his wise words remain. I miss you Harry Chang!

I'm back here. Is this where I belong? My head's filled with the idea of getting a job to pay for my next few years here. I'm so exhausted. I've been walking for more than 2 hours already for today. Ironic isn't it? Somewhere else at some corner of this world, another somebody my age would be walking down the aisle, or accepting a wedding proposal... perhaps getting a 5K job. And me? I'm a freshman for an undergrad course.

But this is my dream. Isn't it?

Maybe it's the tiredness doubting my actions. Or the idea of having to sleep 2 hours per day if I take on a full time job working at night. I don't know.

But, Yahweh, I know you are near. Standing always at my side.. You guard me from the foe, and you lead me in ways everlasting.

I'm answering a call. A call I wanted to postpone. There has to be a reason why things happened the way they did. I am not here by chance. And I have to believe, that everything will be okay.