Haircut, Prince Charming.

He got himself a haircut, making me go crazier then I already am. He now looks like what Prince Charming would look like if I were to conjure an image. Sweet. More friendly smiles would be like whipped cream added to McFlurry Oreo. :)

He's no longer a dream guy. He has become a drug and I'm getting addicted. Weekdays are spent anticipating little bump-intos with him along the college corridor. Everyone else pales compared to him. An absent day from college or a leave he takes gives me severe depression. Letting go seems out of the question. I just want to see him everyday. I just want him to talk to me everyday. All these will end one day very soon but before it does, I will enjoy every single moment spent dreaming of him.

A Little Adrenaline Rush for a Job Interview

I'm feeling pretty excited. In another half an hour's time, I will be undergoing the torture and torment of a, job interview.

Sick and tired of waiting for the approval for my job application to work in college - will just have to do without the staff discount if I do pursue my Degree in my old college. * sigh * Will be checking out other colleges for the similar courses.

Life is turning out very different from what I planned. I saw him again this morning and he helped me with some stuff to be settled. It was of course a very awkward moment as he opened some file to be printed. Still can't understand why I do like him so much.

Anyway, hoping my interview will go smoothly and that I'll get the job. And if I don't, well, hoping more interviews will be lined up.. :)

Removing memories

At the spur of a moment, I went into his room and took away the sole reason to occasionally pop in to see him. I took my plant home. Chances of working in the college seem dim. Why bother leaving hope behind? It’s actually time to move on. He wore a jacket today, making him look so vulnerable. He might not care for me in return but I guess it’s alright to care about him. He doesn’t have to know. I’m not asking for anything in return, just an occasional smile perhaps. I’m feeling empty. Like the roots of the plant I’m bringing home, the feelings have grown. I am now removing the only thing that belongs to me that was left with him since the good days. I am removing good memories, burying them the way I should. This mere gesture means more to me than it would to anyone who might be around. I played my role, I acted as though it was the thing to do. It was of course the thing to do just not the thing I wanted to do. There are other things to remove. I’m taking my time. Thursdays are no longer supposed to be anticipated. It is after all just a class, another class. I have to keep that in mind.

The truth is that the only thing I want to do now is to go home and sleep, and stop thinking about all these nonsense. The worse thing about the whole scenario is that I think he knows. Everyone was talking about the issue in a joking way while his room’s door was left open. I’m sure he’s not deaf and I’m pretty sure that even if he did not know my intentions, he sure does now.

Itchy nose .. and Bejeweled

I'm feeling so sick. My nose seems to go itchy every few seconds but I can't seem to sneeze, sometimes. My left eye on the other hand seems to participate in this itching marathon as well. Annoying. Sheesh.

He's not around today making college seem unappealing. With an itchy nose and an itchy eye, college seems the last place for me to be at. Too many annoying events today, including unwanted cancellation and postponement for certain matters. Hmm.. Trying not to fume.

Good thing is, Jus came to college today (with her Palm.. hehe). I'm glad the Palm is here. Why? Bejeweled. The answer to all boredom. The answer to all answers. I don't care bout scores. What I want to do, is to move a jewel to make jewels disappear. Craving for more games. Justine has sort of banned me from her going near her Palm. Further pestering might cause an injunction letter issued! Anyway, might go scout for Bejeweled CD to download for my home PC. Hehe.. Oh yeah, I even dreamt bout the game, and buying a Palm. :)

Life's still fine, despite bad things. Thanks to.. Bejeweled (okay.. and Justine then).

He doesn't love me

I know he doesn't love me. He never exactly told me that, but I guess I just know. It hurts a lot, and it's hard to let go, I want to but I don't know how to. Why is it such a big deal anyway, it's not like this is my first crush or whatsoever. He is not supposed to have such an effect. He's not anyone that great, is he?

Well.. somehow, I find his annoying self charming. No matter what he says, or he does, it just seems so perfect to me. Absurd. Knowing the impossibilities, I should be smart enough to turn around and say goodbye to a no-happy-ending non existing relationship. I am not a child anymore. Crushes like this are not supposed to happen. I can't let myself going around looking like a love-sick love-struck child! Gee. If I could, I would wham myself over and over till I wake up from this nightmare that brings such a bitter sweet after effect.

He doesn't love me but I want him to love me. Funny. Even if he does love me, I don't even know what I'll do. I just want him to love me so... so much.

Grateful, I am!

We had a 'council management' meeting today. We met with some rather 'big' people from the management and they asked us for updates and feedbacks.

As some of you might know, I am a very emotional person. I proved everyone right once more, being really emotional about all the happenings. However, my voice was just calm and monotonous. I sounded bored, I think.

I concluded everything with this.
"If I am not offered a job by September from our college, I have nothing to do but to leave the student council. My family can no longer support me anymore."

Partial truth, partial crap. I struck gold. One tall guy said this.
"If you have to leave, we will not force you to stay/"

And my heart beamed. I've been waiting for this statement for erm.. say, 8 months??? Finally, a green light to dash away soon!! Soon enough.

After the next major event, and settling the current annoying thank you banner, I will be OFF!

Caryn, I guess I'll bid farewell in advance! Jus.. I'll be joining you, 'lepak with no motive in college'. :)

(Erm, feedbacks please. In this case, should I still ask you know who if I will be working in college or not? Or should I just drop and run? )

Whatever it is, I am SO GLAD I will be running soon. Haha, the truth is, I HATE PROMS. No prom planning for me, I guess! Yipeeyayyeh.

Uncertainties or Insecurities?

I feel so uncertain about so many things, important things. I am still currently jobless. Apparently the higher authority's 'tomorrow' did not exactly mean 'tomorrow' but somewhat 'in the near future'. I don't even know if the word 'near' would seem appropriate. It has been almost a month. I am getting restless. Being jobless means being 'rather' penniless. Furthermore, with all the weird energy in me, it would be best to discharge the extra strength into some beneficial form (not in the Student Council way.. they do not pay me!).

For now, the most important thing is to finish up my last subject. A toughie. Personal reasons.
* sigh *

And unfortunately my sad story does not end here. There is still another huge dilemma. My degree. If I do not work at college, thus not getting a special discount.. would studying a degree in Mass Communication (Journalism) be the choice to take? Or should I consider other options? Perhaps going back to Kuching for a degree in Fine Art majoring in Photography? If I do move back, would I survive? Or would I just die off.. slowly? * sigh *

Bits of The Past, Dust of The Present

I got a message from him from Friendster today. Ironic what he said. He seems to be struggling really hard in life. I won't blame him. Having two juniors to raise isn't an easy solution. I am so glad I'm just not the mother of his two juniors or anyone's junior, for that matter. Life wouldn't be what I have now and I'm thankful for that.

Though life seems uncertain and the soul mate dream has ceased to exist in some ways, I am glad for all the stress, sleepless nights, tears, bitterness and anger (and sometimes loneliness) I feel and experience on an almost everyday basis. I am glad that at this 'tender' age of 23, I need not be responsible for any juniors for the time being. A mother I may not be, but a true youth, I am.

Looking back, I am awed by my naiveness and stupidity to plunge into something so unworth my investment of time, money and effort. Short the period may seem, the scar that remained for the days, months and perhaps years after that is definitely something to leave behind in the past.
What hurt most wasn't what seemed apparent, what hurt most was a friendship gone sour.

If I were more humane, I know I would feel pity for him as I read the message today. I don't think I still possess emotions for situations I cannot relate to nowadays. What I feel is this awkward numbness replacing what used to be care and concern.

He definitely formed bits of my past. Big bits, I would say. Alas, what he has to offer now, and what he means now would only be dust to me. A bothersome annoyance.

No Signs.

I didn't see him today and I feel so empty. I went to college today. But I saw no signs of him. I guess our college doesn't seem so small after all.

The feeling I have in me is just so weird. I feel so emotional for no apparent reason. There is no relationship, no commitments, no sparks, nothing between us. I don't even really know him. Yet this flutter I feel in me when I do see him, it's indescribable. I guess it's the hormones.

My, 'Oh So Big' Cupboard

I've always wanted my own cupboard. End of last year when I shifted to Ridzuan Condo, I got one. A big brown and white cupboard. Solid. Unique. 'Tahan lasak'. Or so I thought.

After months of using the cupboard, with my number of clothes slowly increasing, the metal bar fell for the first time. * sigh * I put it back up.

And then it dropped again. And again. And again. And I can continue this a few more times.

I shifted house once more. Having a little room for my albums, stationery and clothes.. I took some of the weight (clothes) off the bar, and folded them up. The door glided gently to close a cupboard full of clothes. Perfect. I now have a perfect cupboard storing 75% of my clothes. Nice.

No thuds. No bangs. Nothing.

------------------------

I slid open the cupboard door. I found the bar dropping with my clothes hanging on to it, ruining my nicely folded clothes underneath. Oh fucking shit. The bar dropped AGAIN! With less weight on it.

And of course I asked myself why. Why the designer had to be so DUMB to design such a bad item. Big and sturdy it looked. Useless it is!!! It can't even stand minimum weight.

REGRET!!!!!!!!!!!

What am I going to do now? Design a new bar for the cupboard?

Or live life with clothes on hangers in a cupboard, left unhung?

In My Dreams

In my dreams, someone told me. Only in my dreams the possibility of you being mine seems possible. Why? I ask this question so often I get sick of my own voice echoing in my head. It is impossible. You can't be mine, and that's it. I want you to just talk to me, smile at me. I want a hug from you! But of course, all that is and will be, impossible.

It is just so hard to ignore this annoying feeling I feel for you. I do not want to feel what I do feel, but I truly can't help myself. I smile when I see you. I freeze when you come close. I become speechless when I want to talk to you. I go breathless when you stand right in front of me.

This is so wrong. What seems even more wrong, is that when I think of you in college, you appear from nowhere. Is our college actually that small?

I dream of your smile. I dream of holding your hand. I dream of your promises for dreams that seem impossible in dreams. My dreams are real dreams. Dreams you dream at night, not dreams you dream when you're awake. I'm getting so obsessed. I should stop. I should let go. But how?

Damn Those Who Are Brainless.

Isn't it ironic that while others are so busy working their way up the corporate ladder, children are running around the streets with their feet uncovered, designers are slaving hard in front of their computers trying their best to create something for the internet to attract people to view their sites and stuff... there are actually people who yearn for attention in the weirdest ways? Some seek for fame by yelling at people with a prepared speech after shit has happened to the person. I can quote some incidents fresh from certain experiences.

One fine evening, a lady or a man sat in his house bored after a boring day at work, or perhaps lazing around at home. A little car parked coincidentally blocking someone's walkway caught his or her attention. Some juicy complaints to make.. the person thought. And so a complaint was lodged. Some yucky old shorty came walking with a speech prepared, towards two innocent, tired and annoyed girls and started yelling at them as though they were cows ready to be slaughtered. He claimed that he was made a fool by some residents who found the matter very serious and very important to be dealt with right away. Clamped was the little car, yelled at were the innocent girls. To make matters worse, a rather tight budget had to be made tight further as 50 bucks was handed to the beast.

Why? Why do things like that happen? Or perhaps the 'mou liu' aunty or b****** uncle wasn't where they actually were? Perhaps they're keen, hyperactive committee members of the condominium ready to serve the community of their residential area by making the guards put a clamp to the little car. They could also be annoying people walking along the walkway finding a little car too in the way, forcing them to walk a few steps around the car. Frustrated they were, they headed to the guard house a hundred meters or so away to seek for their rights to be restored and their walkway cleared.

How absurd.

I feel like those bangla guys now. Those bangla guys who for no reason get yelled at by police just because they are foreigners in another country more well off than theirs, looking for some money to fill their stomachs for the day. I know my situation is less serious than theirs. But when you get shouted at the way I was, or if you experience situations as such, you would truly understand how pathetic some people could just be. Just like Yusoff the stupid idiot who work as one of the chief guards at Ridzuan Condominium, Jalan PJS 10/11, Selangor. Yusoff, you suck.

On The Move Once More

I am extremely exhausted. The reason is simple. I am once more on the move.

Let me explain with brief historical inputs. I arrived in Kuala Lumpur with a luggage bag and a few small boxes in September 2003. I moved in with my 2 sisters for 3 months while working as an admin assistant in Damansara. Their house is situated in Tmn Tun. After a few cat fights and occasional bitching, I decided to move to my foster brother's place for a month or so while scouting for a place to stay near my future institution (unidentified at that moment). A few items were squeezed in a Proton Iswara Aeroback and off I went to stay at John's. A month later I moved out successfully to settle happily at USJ2 with some new found college friends. A packed car brought my things over. Proton Iswara, the normal kind. A year later, I found myself moving once more. I hired a small lorry and with other boxes from other housemates, we managed to shift to another house in USJ2... I thought that would be the end of the moving, at least till I finish my diploma. I was wrong. Unwanted circumstances forced me out of that house barely 10 months upon arrival. Unwanted 'evil forces', inhuman beings. I can't even think back without goose bumps popping up. Hmm. Anyway, this trip round, the lorry was almost packed with my things, and around 5 round trips managed to bring my things over.

Alas, a month ago my housemate informed me that she will be terminating the contract at the end of this year. I had to, once again, scout around for a place to stay (and a housemate too!). I found a place and arranged for transport to move my things over. The mover, Boy came with a 1 tonne lorry. Guess what? He packed the lorry mercilessly full and announced to me that the lorry cannot take anymore of my boxes or anything whatsoever. Left amidst the dust laid a number of 8 more boxes and other electronic devices. 5 more trips perhaps? Or even 10? Who knows? I already made 2 trips with things to my new place.

The 2 poor Indian guys were heaving pitifully as they carried my things up 3 floors. Gosh, and the trips my friends and I made to the 3rd floor were equally tiring. I was very close to being accused for manslaughter (taking the lives of 2 innocent mover guys) or perhaps free labor and a bit of enslaving (I paid, don't get me wrong, yet what was given does not seem enough to cover for a proper massage therapy!!!)

* sigh * I still need to move. There are still trips to be made. And my new place is still waiting patiently to be cleaned. Oh no. Volunteers will be given a free meal. Right Justine? So anyone out there. I am hollering for help. Help?

Here I Go..

I do not exactly know what prompted me to create another blog (I do have a Friendster blog).. and I notice myself typing properly.. without the usual sticky caps, I guess Justine may be a big part of the reasons for this blogging issue and the none sticky caps issue. The truth is, I have no darn idea how to blog here.. seriously. How do you add links? Images? So many questions running in my head.

I've got so much in my mind. I can't seem to make people listen to me every time something pops out, can I? I guess I feel too much insecurities. Not just that, I feel too much boredom. I want to talk all day long, with someone. But I can't find anyone. There just doesn't seem to be anyone to sit down and talk to. Unlike the past 2 years. Every corner you turn in college, you bump into someone damn great to hangout with. And you hang all day in college. Going home to a forlorn looking environment with wacko housemates doesn't seem that bad after a blastful day in college. And now.. * sigh * maybe it is the holidays. Maybe the holidays cause a zombie town feel to sweep by me everytime I walk around MSC. Maybe.. Maybe.. Maybe not. Maybe I'm running out of friends. I can't call Justine everytime I'm bored. Hmm..

I am already 23. Damn. I turned 23 last month.. or should I say few weeks ago? 2? Nothing seems settled still. My job application to work in MSC.. well, that seems like it's pending forever. Mr. P told me that he will contact me when he hears anything. I guess I've been bugging him so much he's starting to feel awkward having to deal with me popping my head in at least twice a day. So, no job. No job yet. Can't get a job now, actually.. I mean outside jobs. Will be studying twice each week for 7 weeks with Jye and Daniel. Digital Imaging II. I just want to get it done and over with. I have finished my finals but I can't seem to tell everyone I'm a Dip. graduate. It will be a lie. People have actually started congratulating me for something a bit not that close to the truth. I am not a graduate yet. I still have one little bugging subject left. Thank goodness Justine's taking DI II with me. Else I'll be stuck with Jye and Daniel. Talk about awkwardness. Eeks. One to one has never been my thing for any forms of anything. Think straight, don't stray.

Let's see. No job. Nothing to do, but selling cloth for the banner. Caryn, if you do read this, good. I hate the banner too. I hate it, hate it, hate it more than I hate anything in this world. Why, oh why did I ever, ever come up with such a stupid idea. And why, oh why did the council agree to it? I am so glad to have Caryn and Sean drawing on the cloth with me.. How long more do we have to endure before we officially enter Tanjung Rambutan or anywhere with similar services?

Moving house. Above all the insecurities in life (jobless and council job not going too well).. all the worries that I try not to show.. I now have to find someone, a housemate, a decent housemate (someone who will not take drugs, bring weird people and sell illegal stuff) to fill up the empty room in the unit I've rented at Court 2. Finding a girl seems to best choice. On the other hand, a guy will be more handy to have around. * sigh * I hate finding housemates. Not knowing who you'll share your 'life' with seems a bit scary. My life is now at home. Seriously. I don't like clubbing anymore. I'm not taking much pictures of flowers these days. I find shopping complexes boring and I am too broke to go for holidays around. So I stay at home and watch DVDs. And I have to stay at a safe place with a safe person, right? I don't even know when I should move. Gee.

And there's the other activity for the council. But if I go on any further, this post will turn out to be a chapter for a book. So I'm going to end it NOW. The blog, I mean.