I've not written for a rather long time. Perhaps I've been busy, perhaps I've been trying to muffle my thoughts with the idea that I'm busy, or even.. perhaps I've been trying not to think so much.
But there are a few things on my mind now, things that require decisions. Decisions that I'm not sure how to make.
No. 1 dilemma
Should I go home after my studies?
Well, I've always wanted to live abroad and I am now living in another country. I miss home, always, but I'm not exactly deprived, or depressed, or having a miserable time. I like living amidst people from 20 other countries, I enjoy studying despite the heavy workload too. I guess it's just the idea of not knowing where I truly belong.
When I asked my best friend what he thinks about me going home, he asked me if I loved being here so much so that I do not want to go home. Well, it's not here I want to stay forever.. but I did have plans to work and stay in a few other countries before going home eventually.
Now, though, I'm wondering if my dreams are actually realistic and the right thing to do.
My dream, is to help. To empower people and to speak up and stand up for those who are not able to do so. Simple it is and I should be able to do that from anywhere in the world, right? So, why not home? Mom's at home. She's getting old, and shouldn't a child be there for an aging parent? Or, should I pursue my dreams and at the same time while trying to work out something, something such as relocating mom and even Jane?
Is home really home? They say that 'home is where the heart belongs'. Where does my heart belong? My ancestors left China a long time ago to where they felt the pastures were greener. Should I do the same? Or should I, as a future social worker, head to where the pastures are most dried up, and start from there? Or, should I go home, find withered pastures and work them to make them greener?
As a Christian, I do believe that God should be the one guiding me wherever I go and in everything that I do. Yet, what is it that I should do? Where should I go?
I have less than 1.5 years before I graduate. I need to decide at least a year before that, right? I'm not getting any younger, but these doubts of my future are making me feel as though I'm a child, a child who does not know which toy to choose.
No. 2 dilemma
What do I actually want from my friendships?
I've been feeling rather odd lately. It's not really loneliness, actually. It's just odd. I have many people around me. I have many friends, so people say. Putting it in a very blunt manner (leaving all sense of humility aside), I am the most popular person in my dorm after all. There's always someone to talk to, someone to spend some time with.. yet, why do I feel like I'm always alone?
What am I seeking for? Stability? A nomadic life does not allow that, does it? There are times that I wish I could just find a very small handful of friends who could journey with me in this otherwise very lonely life. People to drink coffee with, to really talk to.. instead of making pointless small talk.
Am I asking too much? My best friend is living his life happily back home. And sometimes I wish he would pay me a little bit more attention. But perhaps, he already is, it's just that I'm asking for a bit too much.
Am I too clingy? Do I demand too much attention?
I used to live for here and now. But now, I really am not sure how I'm actually living my life. In a daze? I really think I'm actually sleepwalking through life.
No. 3 dilemma
Why do I care so much for matters that don't really matter?
Living in a dorm, living in a community, there are certain contributions that need to be made. On the other hand, doing too much isn't exactly the way of contributing, is it? Sometimes I wonder why I do care so much for this temporary home, to the point that others either think I'm benefiting from the fund-raising projects that I do, or think I'm crazy or stupid for doing so much.
Nevertheless, when it's hot, the natural thing is to get electric fans. If the dorm has no funds, raise funds, right? When we need to play sports, and a facility is already available but requires repair, repair it, right? When there's no one to initiate it, and you know you have the means to do so, go ahead, right?
I don't ask for appreciation, nor do I benefit much from what I do.. except the satisfaction of achieving the almost impossible. Why do I just feel that I'm not doing it right? Is it due to the fact, that I'm being so weighed down by the exhaustion and stress of handling these projects? If I can't do it anymore, I should stop. But why do I continue? Why do I care so much when others don't? Why don't I just love myself more, and let this mad obsession of doing things for others stop, for just a little while?
Do I live to please others, to make them a little bit happier, and their lives a little bit easier? I guess the right question is, can I live like that? And if I can't, why can't I stop?
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I'm tired, I am.
I guess a good Christmas holiday will cheer me up and do me good. At least I'll be home for Christmas.
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