Sunshine, doubt no more. You're still the love of my life. Always have been, always will be.

To have stayed was because I loved you. To stop loving you is because I love myself. I'm sorry things had to turn so sour, Xerxes.

I have moved on. I am going to mend my broken heart during this trip to the Philippines. It's not easy to let the past be the past but I need this trip, I want it and since I AM going to have it, I might as well enjoy it.

My right hand's middle finger is swollen. It looks all obscene and it hurts too but I'm still contemplating whether I should get a 100 bucks jab or leave the finger all puffed up during my Philippines' trip.

Argh.. for health or for wealth. Dilemma.

Don't tell me it's going to be okay. Stop telling me that things will get better.

Just tell me that life is scary, full or shit and that I should be ready for death at every corner I turn or that the world is a horrible place and the only decent place to be is nowhere...

Other than from my family and really close friends, I feel no love. I feel no comfort. I feel no joy, no happiness. Life is harsh and life sucks so get real and get on with it.

No matter how many times you slap me, I will never wake up again.

I've kept all these 'most suicidal' writings in my laptop long enough. It's been too long, I've kept my wounds too long and it's time to let go. To let go is to embrace the past, to accept and to move on.

I was afraid that people around me would hurt to know how much I hurt so I tried to be okay.

I've had enough.

I am as depressed as that. Accept me if you love me. I am weak. I can't go on and I do want to die all the time but I am trying to be alright.

I can't accept deaths and I won't be strong. I just want life to be alright but it will never be and my life will never be alright but I will be so numbed with acceptance I will be fine.

I smile because I'm tired of crying. I might be smiling but it doesn't mean I'm happy. Oh please stop thinking I'm the cheerio type. I am not.

I am a depressed, suicidal, lunatic person who lives in the past so much I hate the present and I abandon the love and care of people around me.

All I want, is to be free... Really, really free. But I will never be. Not totally...

I just want to take pictures of flowers, I just want to walk around the world. I just want to love my family members and take care of them.

Too much to ask?

Another 2006 writing...

When you lose someone so dear to you to death, I guess it's natural for you to lock yourself up
with the past. Only in the past do they exist, so in a weird way, your instincts tell you to dwell the days of the past.

But what about the present? Well, you sustain. You do what it takes to sustain, yes. But you breathe the air of the past, you live with the breath of denial.

Strangers brush by you, close ones tap at the glass case surrounding you that you built to block out the world. They cry beside you, anxiety's written all over their faces, worry's controlling their gestures. Yet you do not give in.

Another one about daddy. *written in 2006*

Flashes of the past brings so much pain to the present.

Please let me see you once more. I just want a bit more time. There're still some memories to share. Just a few more moments. No?

Why not? Not even in dreams can I see you pa? But that's asking me to be too strong. And I'm not all that strong. Though fighter genes cruise through my bloodstream, I'm not all as tough as I may seem. Not like you,not like ma.

I still need you pa.

Here's something about daddy.. * written in 2006*

The pain doesn't seem to go away. It's been quite long. Quite a number of days, a dozen of number of days. Yet everytime I remember the incidents of late May and early June, my heart jolts with pain, unbearable-undeniable-
unhidden pain.

Pictures bring tears, pictures reflect memories, memories cause tears.

Daddy, I miss you so much. I try to think of the positive side your leaving may bring me. I guess I'm trying too hard. Or am I not trying hard enough?

With every flip of the pages in my chapters of life without you, my ship sails into the depths of fear. Without you, my anchor and compass, I know not my bearings nor my destination. Aimlessly I await the day when all these fears will be familiarised-accepted-adapted to.

Oh daddy, why so soon? I know you said you had no choice but to go. I know that and I know I should not question anymore but I just can't deny humanly emotions.

I know my doubts are just empty worries but daddy, where are you now? Are you happy? Do you miss us just as much or more than we miss you? Can you still see us? Are you still very much near us? Are you worried about us as well? Are you with your dear Lord in your new heavenly home now? Why aren't you giving me dreams any more dy?

Don't worry daddy. I won't be like this for long - just give me some time, I'm only asking for a few more precious moments to dwell in the past, to feel your presence with us, to be close to you once more, to cherish history like never before. I will be fine, I really will be. As the flesh and blood of a man once so strong, so graceful and such a true fighter, I promise you that I won't fail you. I will live my life as an honour to your past charisma for life, and your dreams I shall fulfill.

I love you daddy. And I still miss you so much.

Here's to you Yen... *written in October 2006*

All these will fade one day. All memories fade. These will go as well. Let me tell them before they eventually end up at the dump site of my brain cells.

We met at Ah Mei's funeral. It was a horribly tough time and Jac was shutting off her emotional system. I was one she chose to shut out. And I was left alone.

And you were there. Jac moving to stay with you conveniently bonded our friendship as I stayed over rather often. When times were still not too bad with Jac, we hung out a lot, at 7th mile. You were just 14 then. And I was 19. And you told me that I shouldn't give up on my bestfriendship with Jac because it was so hard to come by. And you told me that you admired what we had gone through to get to where we were. But it was a lie, because our friendship was falling apart. When I told Jac about fighting for our friendship, she just shrugged it off. And
she was gone, but you remained.

We didn't hang out everyday but I saw you rather often. From super long hair, you cut it shoulder length. I don't know why but you were always very sad and depressed. And I did stupid stuff and said stupid things to make you laugh. I came up with a questionnaire for us to find out more bout each other. And I asked you if you used the washroom with the toilet seat up or down. :) Hah. What stupidity. And I sleptover that night, coz Jac was in KL. You let me listen to some S.H.E song that I liked while we slept, so the next day when I woke up, I left Jay Chou's
'Kai Bu Liao Kou' on repeat for you. Justine said you deny this. Is Jay Chou so 'to deny'?

There was also once when we went to Memories in Padungan. I went to pick you up for yamcha.. and Jac's dad gave us a nice 50 bucks to enjoy our day, I just remember us at Memories chilling in the booth seats. What a nice treat.

Sharon Sagan. You were so bloody obsessed with her! And Jac was of course to be blamed. Why such bad influence??? Sharon calls you the toilet cousin for a reason. Gee, hiding in the toilet to avoid her during a CNY visit? Interesting...

And I remember you starting to chat then. With the nick 'freak'. Oh why, I have no idea. Your stupid friend from school bugged both of us so much. Ew, she even tried to kiss you. Joe right, her name? And you hated to have your pics taken then. I think it was the hair...

There was this time when we had a gathering at the pool place near Mina's shop. Gawd, even weird Joe went. And I taught you pool with Ah Pei or Zoey.. I think there were a few pool times, but these memories have already faded away. I have pics of these incidents, but you never seem to be in them coz you always volunteered to take them.


When I left for KL, and left Jac.. I left you too. I didn't see it that way, but I guess it was like that.

I remember December 2003's gathering at Sandy's place. I made Jac bring you. Your hair was already short then. But we could still talk so much.

Other than that, I only remember meeting you for lunch at Jac's shop. And you were chatting with my brother and I. Sweet times. Good food!!! But you rushed off for work at Everise after that.

And last Chinese New Year we went out. I managed to get a pic of you in Bing, but not at the Junk. But I have a nice video shot at Bing. Well, at least some footage of you speaking to me again.

You came to KL in April 2005 and that was when the friendship took a turn, for the better. Jov picked you from the airport, I think.. and we went to Kim Gary's for dinner. We forced you to take sticker pics with us, of course you tried to run.

There were so many days after that that I slept over at Jov's with you and later Mac joined us.. and there were also so many times when you came over either with Jov or alone. We went to eat good beef and prawn noodles at KL which cost a bloody bomb. And we could lie in bed and talk and talk and talk. We talked bout everything. We talked while lying next to each other, in the car, through drinks.. through the phone, all the bloody time. Good times. You told me that you wanted to get an operation one day, to become a man. But till then you'd always still be a girl. That can't be denied. Hah. Of course we talked bout my obsession with Daniel Loy and your
obsession with Ice. I am so sure you were one of the rabbit stalker company - victims of mine. :) After awhile you started work at Bamboo and we had lunch there so we could hang out with you. But the supervisor treated you like shit. * sigh ...

I remember going to Yum Yums with you a lot. And I even met Mac there with you. You brought me to TGI Friday's sometime while working at Bamboo. It was awesome and we were stuffed full. Brought some leftovers home for Jov, and she was annoyed that we boycotted her. :) It was one of those boycotting times. Fun. Bitching bout others to you was of course to let you know not to act like them. I remember 2 particular occasions, one at the mamak near Ridzuan with Jov, and another at Starbucks, just us two.

You were there at my final presentation showcase, to help clean up.. :P and you were also there during my birthday. And my major student council events like Loud and Wild.. and of course during friends' outing. You were there, and I was there but somehow the gap between us was growing. And you broke the plate Ice gave me. Gee Yen, you never glued it back!

Oh darn, that lost IC. Gawd, we must have awaken before 6 that day to queue up, but that damn guy who opened the door, shit him.. we had to queue for so bloody long. Anyway the IC was made! You wanted to bring me to some duck place, but it wasn't open, I think. So we just ate noodles. :)


You were working at Yum Yums sometime then, and Justine was crazy for you. And I don't really know what you felt for her. But there were exchange of feelings, I'm sure. I don't know why I could never approve of it. Perhaps I knew you liked Ice too much to be totally sincere with your feelings for Just, or perhaps I was afraid Just would hurt you. It was all just crazy but I shut that out as well.

You changed and I changed and I nagged so much and you just got sick of me and I couldn't understand you and I gave up on you. I told Jac that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do it for her anymore. I couldn't take care of you anymore. Your changed scared me so. I was just so afraid you'd leave me like Ah Mei. If we cared enough, Ah Mei wouldn't have left us. But I wouldn't have met you. And I failed again. And you thought I betrayed you coz I told Jac and she told you off. But all I did was cared too much. And I just let you think that way coz it was just so much easier like that.

And like Just said, shit hit the fan. Jov threw you out. Oh Yen, I wasn't even there. But even if I was, I don't know what I would have done. What was there to forgive when it was all just small mistakes? A snowball of small mistakes? Denial was so much easier, shutting you out was the way out.. and I let you go. And I never fought hard enough to tell you how sorry I am to have walk out on our friendship. Those calls I tried to make to you, those messages I sent.. I was never persistent enough to break through that barrier. Never available enough, and never persistent enough.

And then you were gone. Our friendship remains one with many regrets, of what I could have done, of what I didn't do enough, of what I should have stopped doing but didn't. Oh what I would trade to have you talk to me again, to apologise to you, to tell you how much you mean to me. But it's just too late. No matter what I do after you've left will never be enough to change the things of the past. Yen, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to make you sad. Our friendship started with me cheering you up, you know I would never have wanted you to end up
being sad. I'm just so stupid to have forgotten the past and to forget to cherish you the way I should have. I'm sorry I was never good enough for you in this friendship. But please do know I love you, and I will never stop loving you, our friendship will always be one to remember.

Goodbye Yen. I love you so much.

I have had enough

I think I'm going nuts

Even a tonne of fish oil won't help me this time

I am so motivated to leave this place, for good.

I haven't done anything wrong, I've tried my real best.. I work so hard I dream about work.. I come to work on time, I stay back most of the days.. I don't ask for much, I hardly throw my tantrums around, I smile and am polite. I admit my mistakes and learn from them..

So WHY DO YOU GUYS FUCKING PICK ON ME?

Jerome's growing up to be a great man. So much like daddy... Seeing him reminds me so much of daddy. Daddy would be so proud of you, baby brother.

I am so proud of you.

I love my family so much. I love my friends so much.

So much it hurts.

This is just a passing phase. Things will be alright soon.

Beer. Alcohol. Do they really help? Well, at least I can cry when I drink.

I've been so unhappy for the past 1 1/2 years my tears are running short. Crying doesn't seem to help and I get mild asthma attacks when I cry too much... What has become of me? When will I pick myself up and really, really move on? I hope it'll be really soon coz I'm getting a bit too tired of feeling sad already.