Closing the chapter of pain

It's been a year. A whole year. It's really, really time to move on.

A note to my beloved papa.

Dearest Daddy,

It has been 365 days without you and not one day goes by without feeling the flinch of pain, the longing to see you again. I know that you're well, much better than before you left and all the suffering has finally ended. I also know that you don't mind it in heaven, it's all you've ever dreamt of and living in a rubbish free environment has finally come through for you.

Mommy has been doing great. She's keeping busy helping ertie and ah wah with their little business. I'm glad she has something to keep her mind occupied. She still misses you horribly but another part of her knows that you're with the Lord now, and that's what matters most. She occasionally still thinks of your departure as one similiar to the days when you were travelling. We do know though, that you'll never come back to us this time but we will meet one fine day, when the Lord brings us back too.

Ah che came back during Christmas. She also brought mom and Jerome to Singapore. I didn't get the chance to meet her, but I know she's doing well in Japan with ko.

Jerome scored straight As, dy. I know you would have been so proud of him. I still remember the time when I told you about my winning the award and you showed me two thumbs up. I miss the feeling of knowing that you're so proud of me.

Jane has problems with her legs, dy. And we're horribly worried. She's very stubborn though and somehow feels she's still very youthful inside out. Pls do keep an eye on her, dy. We can't lose her too.

I've been travelling quite a bit. I needed to get away to let my sorrowful mind rest. It was good while it lasted, I still feel so much pain now. Though I have a job and I'm keeping busy, I know my life isn't one that anyone would be very proud of. I am not doing what I truly like, but I know I would, in due time. I just want to leave the country, so much. I want to walk the earth, take pictures of flowers, help the poor and the sick and also take care of mom and Jane. Pls do pray for me that I will be able to do so in the very near future, dy. I'm so tired of all these waiting and feeling miserable that I will stop self pitying already. I'm the only one in the family who's left behind from moving forward. I know you wouldn't want that for me, you love me too much to see me cry all the time.

I know that you're well but knowing that I'm not will not make you happier. I love you daddy. I love you so, so much. And I miss you so, so much too. Pls at least be with me in my dreams..

It's hurting more than it should. This isn't right, this weird pain. I'm supposed to be over all these emotional turmoil.. it's almost a year already. But it hurts so, so badly. I'm trying not to think at all, I'm trying to numb myself but I just can't help it. I don't want this pain, I really don't but I feel it anyway. Release me, pls?

The dreaded day will be coming soon, the past will be coming to haunt me and I will fall apart. May 30th, 2007 - a year from when daddy was taken away from us... How am I going to stay strong this time?

I need help. I'm feeling so confused, so emotionally drained and so broken.

Am I destined to be alone? Why am I driving the ones I love far away when all I want is to be close to them?

I'm falling apart or am I falling IN and also at the same time OUT of love?

Am I just a victim of cupid's mad, twisted experiment?

Is this what you call fate? These emotional tortures and mind wrenches?

Why him? Why her?

Goodbye X world. I'm confirmed leaving my company and going back to Continuum. :) Just a bit more patience, just a bit more poo to clean up and I'm.. GONE! :)

Philippines trip planning has kick started and am all geared up to shoot away in Manila, Tarlac, Baguio and maybe Boracay too. Can't wait!

Oh.. I got a free ticket to Bali next March so Pin and I will be shooting there too! :)

Life has been moving rather slow and fast all at the same time but as long as I'm out of this company, I'd need not worry about crazy traffic jams, long horrible rides in the LRT and maddening rush for no particular reason.

Have been missing Yen these days. At times it seems like she's still around. Daddy has almost been gone for a year. Che had a dream and daddy was saying that heaven's not all too different - it's clean and neat and he likes it. :) Why am I not getting such dreams? Why was I dreaming about payment vouchers and work?

Was thinking about Thailand while listening to Thai songs. Was thinking of Blue and the fact that he too has joined Daddy and Yen in the after world. Life's just so bloody short and things just happen so suddenly and changes happen all the time. I'm so tired of life sometimes. Where actually are we heading to and will there be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Is there a rainbow in the first place or all these just part of our illusions?

* sigh .. I miss you still, Daddy.

5 days in Kuching.

Going back to Kuching was nice. It was good spending time with mom, Jane, ertie and Jerome. It was good meeting with Bea, Glo, Livia and some others.

Going for long walks with mom, running errands with her, helping ertie with her catering business and keeping myself busy were simple highlights of this trip.

Just wondering when I'll be home again...

Malacca, awesome historic city.

Was in Malacca again during May 1st and 2nd. It was a rather quiet trip with Boo but I had lots of fun just lazying and eating food at Jonker Street.

I just adore the chicken rice ball but eating one meal would give me the eeky feeling already. I wonder why... Limau2's still wonderful and the Jonker dessert's heavenly! I still like walking around Jonker and the surrounding areas of A Famosa, feeling the historical vibe this places gives.

Malacca's defnitely my favourite place in Malaysia, at least for now. :)