Last Day in Hell

Well, hell, as it is mentioned for the title of this blog, isn't exactly hell.. it's just the centre I work at. Anyway, hell might bring me commission of RM 887 which I will use to cover my air tickets for Chinese New Year, tomorrow's trip back.. and also the February trip that I am forced to cancel. I will be throwing RM 200 down the drain for air tickets I won't be using as my stupid, stupid college has just decided to have our convo held on Feb 18. So convenient of them. Damn!!!! Am so, so annoyed. They have no right to postpone the convo date like that! Ergh.. I now have to miss my foster brother's wedding, waste money anyway and feel guilty owing a friend a trip to Kuching! Eesh.

Am telling clients and friends that today's my last day at work and goodbye.. and am practically sitting here doing nothing for the whole day, preparing for training for the whole sales team (including my supervisor!!!) later in the evening. He, in return, will be buying us Domino's. As fate had it, he initiated to pay RM 150 but refrained RM 50 later, how stingy eh? I complained to my Head of Academics and he offered to top up the balance.

Was really happy as I placed my order (and confusing the guy) for extra lots of stuff!!! :) Farewell, Vicky!!!! Can't wait to leave this place.. and go home, and sleep and meet new people from South East Asia!!!

Sugar Rush!!!

I love fruits. I love to eat fruits on happy days like today. Sweet stuff, sugar rush.. :)
I'm feeling so happy..
Happy, happy.

I not only closed a sale today, I'm also resigning!
Wow, great news? :) Be happy for me!!!

Plus, (bonus of the month) I'm GOING HOME!!!!
I'm not JUST going home, I'm going home for a South East Asian Camp!
YipSS!!! Exactly this second next week, I'll be surrounded by old friends from all over
Asia.. and new ones as well. Life's beautiful!! :)

I LOVE LIFE!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING!!!!!

Harry Potter was wonderful for the 2nd time this month. Understood the story more.

Can't wait to breathe again.

Blush

I blushed today. I blushed real bad. I didn't really like the reason why I was blushing but I did blush. I blushed as red as my blouse. Damn.

Work was fine but my colleague Uma told one of the students, Khaled to tell his friend that I think he's cute. Erm.. do I?

Well he's rather cute, from China, 20 years old (this is the reason why I should forgive myself for even looking at him and forget his existence) and has a slight resemblance to Elvis Presley. Oh, he's from a race in China that speaks like the Koreans.

Anyway, work was a bore and I'm having doubts about coping with my degree so I might have to resign earlier than as planned. Whatever it is, I hope I will somehow find whatever I'm searching for and still excel in my degree. * sigh

Forget the depressing stuff, Timothy, my ex colleague dropped by the office today and we had fun taking pictures. Unfortunately he couldn't join Uma and me for lunch.

There's also this girl in the centre. She's pretty but Uma and Annie (another colleague) hates her. We used to think she's 'Elvis's' gf.. but who knows, maybe she's not? Annie calls her prostitute which is totally mean. Uma hates her so much she goes nuts everytime we mention her. Well, she likes Tim's attention and when Tim came back she just seemed so happy. If I were still taking pictures of model, I might consider her being one.. but I'm no longer taking those pictures. Oh well..

I don't know whether I've lost my skills in Photography. What if I have? I will just die.

I might be nuts.

I saw you.
I felt something.
I'm not really sure what.
I think I still like you.
Why?
I'm crazy, that's why.

When Water Flows Out

My tears are brimming and I don't even know why. I don't know why I'm feeling so sad, I don't know why I feel like crying.. I don't know why life has to seem so complicated. I don't know why friends have to leave or change. I don't know why great things have to come to an end. I don't even know why someone has to feel so alone in this world.

I guess I could just go home, crawl into bed and watch movies to cheer myself up. However, I don't really want to do so. What I want to do is to smoke and smoke like a chimney while I cry all these sadness and insecurities out. Why the change and why emotions?

I am wishing once more to be emotionless like how some people can be.

I just want to cry.

I don't know why I'm feeling so sad today. I feel that everything has changed and more will change real soon. I can't control what I feel but what's worse, I can't control all these changes.

I don't want to live in this grown up world. Everything's too complicated for me. What with responsibilities, a cruel heart and cruel situations with cruel people.. these cruel facts are just too hard to bear.

I always thought I could handle things well, I guess not. There are days like today that I'm reminded once again how weak I can be and how immatured my mind set is.



Oh.. and I have this teeny tiny crush on this very funny person. Yeah, like that's nice. * sigh

So Wrong...

So wrong.. everything's turning out to be so wrong. I can't seem to control situations falling apart, falling out of my grip, falling deep into the pit.

I can't seem to work properly, calls never seem to get through, leads seem to turn dead and everything's piling up, up and up.

Friends are either leaving or changing or facing horrible trials in their lives. Feelings in turmoil, friendships sunk, gone, sailing away.

Ka-ching falling into the river. Dropping down, down and disappearing. I don't know where, I don't know why.. just in a flash they're all gone. More fees, more payments, more liability.

Just a year ago, everything seemed so wrong, yet so right. What happened? I don't know anything anymore. I'm just a clueless blank page.

Dear Just.

I know you're hurting a lot in many funny ways now, feeling the irony of life through unwanted gay situations... I know you never meant for things to be so uncertain or for funny 'happy' people to pop up in your life. I also do know that you do not always regret what happens in life but when you do set your mind on something, otherwise hardly occurs. I do know a lot, and might also not know anything.

What I am sure I know is that you're my friend and I do care and that if the skies seem too grey for birds to fly and if storms are fast approaching.. you will always have an emotional shelter from our friendship. Here's the 'free voucher'. Use it well.

Take care and be good.

Dear Sis Tiny Fish...

There are days when all seem down and blue and the clouds seem to gather so thick no wind can blow them through.

There are days when happy flowers don't exist and those that remain are dead and dried.

There are also days when you wake up to find yourself dreaming and you dream, only to wake up from that dream realising you're awake.

Sis..
There are days when those you love, depend on and emotionally need in life seem to leave you to decay by the side of life's walkway.

To get to the point...
There are also days when you happen to fall for a gay guy who turns to you and like a dog bites you at the bag while you're not watching.

There are many types of days and periods in our lives when things go wrong.

However, there are also days when people who love you feel the pain you feel and worry about you. There are also days when they might not be there for you physically not because they choose to, but because situations just don't allow them to. They want to be there emotionally but they are physically constrained.

Sis.. there are actually days when you choose for pain to conquer all or to make a choice that releases pain. No one is 'hurry-ing' your letting go process but those who love you and care for you just need you to know that you should at least take steps to let go.

* hugs..

p.s.
I'm always here for you.. and I'll always be here for you.

Work on Saturday. Hmph!

This is bad. Work is bad. Working on Saturday is worse. No other offices are open anyway. I’m sitting here, waiting for my ass to rot and my brains to decay. The only thing I find amusing is to upload pictures onto Friendster. J Calling individuals result to unanswered calls. Duh. Who wakes up before noon on Saturday if they’re not working. Stupid management. They’re just dumb. All the systems are f***ed and yet they think they’re superior. I’m actually in a pretty good mood despite all these rumbling and self- mumbling. I will not let my beautiful half rainy day be ruined due to brainless bimbos and empty- headed know-it-all.

Here Goes Another Day.

I’ve been making calls after calls since early this morning till now. My voice is starting to sound funny and to keep myself awake I am sounding horribly chirpy. I told my colleague Timothy that I find myself so annoying I feel like slapping me. Gee. This job pays a beggar’s salary and demand’s for a king’s treatment. I hate it but I still have to hang around. Looking at the brighter side, I managed to talk a China girl into coming here full time for half a month. I closed half a sale, to be exact. Interesting huh? Practising with Oufei actually worked. I’ve also answered a million enquiries and answered a million answers. J My eye can hardly see now which isn’t really ironic for a half-blind person. Anyway, we had a welcoming lunch. Was interesting, liked the fish. Uma (another colleague) had a friend come here to ask for course. She brought cream puffs which Uma shared with everyone else. Almost all my friends here are new, but everyone’s pretty pissed with the system already.

Oh.. also, I’m starting my Degree classes tonight. No idea what class this will be. I just know I have to be there. Oh well, hoping all goes well. And if it doesn’t, I will have another excuse to be depressed! Yipeee…

Friendship Crisis, Personal Hell Pits

There are specific times in life that I get extremely depressed, a bit too suicidal for comfort and everything seems to go haywire. I somehow figured out how to counter those negative periods of my life. Play computer games.

Friends. Experiencing a situation where an irresponsible ‘friend’ borrows money from a super emo friend causing havoc for me. I’m stuck in between, pitying the hell out of depresso yet finding myself helpless and clueless. I do not know what I should do in such situation. So when depresso told me he was hungry (he apparently has no money left as irresponsible borrowed a lot of money (near 1 k!!!), I ran to my kitchen and fished out packs and packs of noodles, rice, mushroom, and funny can food, eggs and instant coffee to help him through the next few days. Another friend of mine saw the scenario and obviously pitied depresso, claiming I should do my best for I am to be blamed for his condition. Am penniless myself, surviving on credit from a heavenly part-time resource. If I do pass him some cash to spend, I would actually be helping him fall into darker pits. So how do I help cash-wise? Calling irresponsible is like banging at heaven’s doors with a devil’s heart. I’m starting to really feel and think all the sickness and foul stuff I could ever dare to conjure up about friends, about irresponsible. Depresso is hiding in his room, telling us he’ll never be one of us and more depressing stuff. He told me not to bother about him, that it is not my fault and that he will not blame me, telling me he has caused enough problems and that he will no longer do so. Nuts. In situations as such, all I could do was to converse with him in his locked room by yelling things in Taiwanese Mandarin, having him reply through sms. I cried. I felt so helpless and so confused and so everything I cried. Everyone’s growing up and going their own way or maintaining where they should be but I’m nowhere here nor there.

I’m afraid but no one can help me. The only person to help me is me. And I am not ready to help myself now. I feel so down, even more down than I felt the days and months before.. even more down than I've ever felt. Why now?