I am a citizen of the world, but...

I miss home.
I miss home terribly.
I miss home so bad it hurts.
I miss everything, anything, something about home.

I miss mommy. I miss Jane. I miss Poopie. I miss Pam. I miss Ah che. I miss Ertie. I miss Livia. I miss Eze. I miss all my cousins and uncles and aunties.

I miss Glo. I miss Nic. I miss Syl. I miss Augie.

I miss Ralph. I miss Rick. I miss Meh.

I miss Pin. I miss Jiah Ling. I miss Rick. I miss Just. I miss Kiwi. I miss CJ. I miss Sharon. I miss Zhen. I miss Sze2. I miss Wani. I miss Sun. I miss DaXing. I miss Fiona. I miss Kelvin papa.

To cut the very long story short. I miss people from home.

And I miss so much I'm going nuts. December is still 5 months away. How?

Stop running, Vicky. Please for once, stay for the end of this story.

But I so want to run. I've been running for a long time now.

I do understand that life is harsh. I do know that I can't always pick up my things and run. I do know that I should accept reality for what it is and face it although it may not be the way I want it to be.

I can accept reality for what it is, I'm not stupid, but I may not always want to show others how much it hurts me.
So I'll run once more.

Help me to be alright but please don't stop me from running. Just one more time?

I want to be less emo...

I know that it has never really been a HUGE problem for me that I'm so emo, but I guess of late, it's starting to take a toll on my relationships that I have. People just don't get me, and I don't expect them to, it's not easy to get someone who is so different inside and out.

I want to smile and pretend that I'm alright but I'm not. I'm emo.

And I want to be who I am, I want to stop pretending, but I'm just not that good an actress.

Being emo hasn't been totally bad for my life. I feel more, I'm more passionate, more in tune with nature and with life. I strive hard for relationships that I want to keep. I wake up knowing that God has been good to me, and therefore I should be good to the world too. But people just don't get it.

And I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining, tired of proving that I am not crazy. I'm tired of feeling all the unnecessary tiredness and I'm tired of playing pretend.

I am emo.
Call me crazy but I am, and it's not my problem, it's yours.

May 11, 2010

It's alright to be alone now.
It's alright to walk alone, eat alone, amuse myself with my own thoughts.
But there are just moments that I still want to cry.
I want to look back at my past and wonder why things couldn't have turned out differently.
Don't get me wrong, I know all the answers perfectly well.
I am just hoping for the impossible, for the otherwise.

And today I realized, although I'm wishing and hoping that you would love me or
at least like me, I can't help but fear if you just might.
Whether or not you do, the ending won't be happy and I'll still end up in tears.

I want to listen to Charles.
I want to control my mind but your smile weakens my capacity and capability of keeping myself sane, or right.
Your jokes make me laugh, but it bites into my soul when I consider the possibilities or impossibilities. I can't help but bitterly wonder, why bother laughing so much now, knowing I'll just cry more very soon?

I just wish upon the absent wishing star that this would go away. This dream, illusion, insanity, suffocation, madness, childishness. This infatuation.

Release me, now. But you can't? I want so much to break up with you, but I can't.
You just don't ask to leave when you were never asked to stay.

It's January 27.

It's not that I've been busy. I've been VERY free. I've just been... away from my thoughts. It's another new year. 2010. The shorter version of that being a bit awkward to write - 10'. Already I'm missing the years before.

Updates? Well, of late, I've been bumming at home, watching CSI (all of them, I love all of them), The Nanny, ER, occasionally House.. Korean drama series, whatever cooking show's good.. I've been very much resting. And now I'm restless.

3 more weeks plus and I'll be back. I'm going home. Home away from home. But I'm going to miss the people here too. Especially the babies.