Dear Just.

I know you're hurting a lot in many funny ways now, feeling the irony of life through unwanted gay situations... I know you never meant for things to be so uncertain or for funny 'happy' people to pop up in your life. I also do know that you do not always regret what happens in life but when you do set your mind on something, otherwise hardly occurs. I do know a lot, and might also not know anything.

What I am sure I know is that you're my friend and I do care and that if the skies seem too grey for birds to fly and if storms are fast approaching.. you will always have an emotional shelter from our friendship. Here's the 'free voucher'. Use it well.

Take care and be good.

Dear Sis Tiny Fish...

There are days when all seem down and blue and the clouds seem to gather so thick no wind can blow them through.

There are days when happy flowers don't exist and those that remain are dead and dried.

There are also days when you wake up to find yourself dreaming and you dream, only to wake up from that dream realising you're awake.

Sis..
There are days when those you love, depend on and emotionally need in life seem to leave you to decay by the side of life's walkway.

To get to the point...
There are also days when you happen to fall for a gay guy who turns to you and like a dog bites you at the bag while you're not watching.

There are many types of days and periods in our lives when things go wrong.

However, there are also days when people who love you feel the pain you feel and worry about you. There are also days when they might not be there for you physically not because they choose to, but because situations just don't allow them to. They want to be there emotionally but they are physically constrained.

Sis.. there are actually days when you choose for pain to conquer all or to make a choice that releases pain. No one is 'hurry-ing' your letting go process but those who love you and care for you just need you to know that you should at least take steps to let go.

* hugs..

p.s.
I'm always here for you.. and I'll always be here for you.

Work on Saturday. Hmph!

This is bad. Work is bad. Working on Saturday is worse. No other offices are open anyway. I’m sitting here, waiting for my ass to rot and my brains to decay. The only thing I find amusing is to upload pictures onto Friendster. J Calling individuals result to unanswered calls. Duh. Who wakes up before noon on Saturday if they’re not working. Stupid management. They’re just dumb. All the systems are f***ed and yet they think they’re superior. I’m actually in a pretty good mood despite all these rumbling and self- mumbling. I will not let my beautiful half rainy day be ruined due to brainless bimbos and empty- headed know-it-all.

Here Goes Another Day.

I’ve been making calls after calls since early this morning till now. My voice is starting to sound funny and to keep myself awake I am sounding horribly chirpy. I told my colleague Timothy that I find myself so annoying I feel like slapping me. Gee. This job pays a beggar’s salary and demand’s for a king’s treatment. I hate it but I still have to hang around. Looking at the brighter side, I managed to talk a China girl into coming here full time for half a month. I closed half a sale, to be exact. Interesting huh? Practising with Oufei actually worked. I’ve also answered a million enquiries and answered a million answers. J My eye can hardly see now which isn’t really ironic for a half-blind person. Anyway, we had a welcoming lunch. Was interesting, liked the fish. Uma (another colleague) had a friend come here to ask for course. She brought cream puffs which Uma shared with everyone else. Almost all my friends here are new, but everyone’s pretty pissed with the system already.

Oh.. also, I’m starting my Degree classes tonight. No idea what class this will be. I just know I have to be there. Oh well, hoping all goes well. And if it doesn’t, I will have another excuse to be depressed! Yipeee…

Friendship Crisis, Personal Hell Pits

There are specific times in life that I get extremely depressed, a bit too suicidal for comfort and everything seems to go haywire. I somehow figured out how to counter those negative periods of my life. Play computer games.

Friends. Experiencing a situation where an irresponsible ‘friend’ borrows money from a super emo friend causing havoc for me. I’m stuck in between, pitying the hell out of depresso yet finding myself helpless and clueless. I do not know what I should do in such situation. So when depresso told me he was hungry (he apparently has no money left as irresponsible borrowed a lot of money (near 1 k!!!), I ran to my kitchen and fished out packs and packs of noodles, rice, mushroom, and funny can food, eggs and instant coffee to help him through the next few days. Another friend of mine saw the scenario and obviously pitied depresso, claiming I should do my best for I am to be blamed for his condition. Am penniless myself, surviving on credit from a heavenly part-time resource. If I do pass him some cash to spend, I would actually be helping him fall into darker pits. So how do I help cash-wise? Calling irresponsible is like banging at heaven’s doors with a devil’s heart. I’m starting to really feel and think all the sickness and foul stuff I could ever dare to conjure up about friends, about irresponsible. Depresso is hiding in his room, telling us he’ll never be one of us and more depressing stuff. He told me not to bother about him, that it is not my fault and that he will not blame me, telling me he has caused enough problems and that he will no longer do so. Nuts. In situations as such, all I could do was to converse with him in his locked room by yelling things in Taiwanese Mandarin, having him reply through sms. I cried. I felt so helpless and so confused and so everything I cried. Everyone’s growing up and going their own way or maintaining where they should be but I’m nowhere here nor there.

I’m afraid but no one can help me. The only person to help me is me. And I am not ready to help myself now. I feel so down, even more down than I felt the days and months before.. even more down than I've ever felt. Why now?