Move on, let go!

The whole world is trying to tell me to move on, that it will be alright. It shows from the music I happen to listen to, to the book I'm reading, from the lips of those around me.

I hold the hand of this very wonderful man. Despite being heavily intoxicated, he drags himself out just to be by my side. I let my pasts flow by and my undetermined future slip away from my mind. Today is where I belong. And yes, I should plan my week ahead.. but it's entirely alright to let my future remain in my tomorrows. They haven't arrived yet.

If the world is conspiring to bring me forward, I shouldn't be selfish to hold myself back.

inspired by Zahir.

My past remains my past, a fraction of my life's very untangled web.. but so often have these little fractions determine the routes for my journey. And so often have I stumbled and bruised myself, due to these fractions which seem more like mean frictions. And so often have I cried, and so often have I wished for my tears to be wiped away.

But for today, I feel illuminated, by the fact that I'm alive. I feel empowered and strong, yet confused and a little cold. My mind is tensed, I'm nervous for the unexpected and unanticipated. I want to think that my life will go according to my diary planner, but I know better. I know it won't.

I am a citizen of the world, but...

I miss home.
I miss home terribly.
I miss home so bad it hurts.
I miss everything, anything, something about home.

I miss mommy. I miss Jane. I miss Poopie. I miss Pam. I miss Ah che. I miss Ertie. I miss Livia. I miss Eze. I miss all my cousins and uncles and aunties.

I miss Glo. I miss Nic. I miss Syl. I miss Augie.

I miss Ralph. I miss Rick. I miss Meh.

I miss Pin. I miss Jiah Ling. I miss Rick. I miss Just. I miss Kiwi. I miss CJ. I miss Sharon. I miss Zhen. I miss Sze2. I miss Wani. I miss Sun. I miss DaXing. I miss Fiona. I miss Kelvin papa.

To cut the very long story short. I miss people from home.

And I miss so much I'm going nuts. December is still 5 months away. How?

Stop running, Vicky. Please for once, stay for the end of this story.

But I so want to run. I've been running for a long time now.

I do understand that life is harsh. I do know that I can't always pick up my things and run. I do know that I should accept reality for what it is and face it although it may not be the way I want it to be.

I can accept reality for what it is, I'm not stupid, but I may not always want to show others how much it hurts me.
So I'll run once more.

Help me to be alright but please don't stop me from running. Just one more time?

I want to be less emo...

I know that it has never really been a HUGE problem for me that I'm so emo, but I guess of late, it's starting to take a toll on my relationships that I have. People just don't get me, and I don't expect them to, it's not easy to get someone who is so different inside and out.

I want to smile and pretend that I'm alright but I'm not. I'm emo.

And I want to be who I am, I want to stop pretending, but I'm just not that good an actress.

Being emo hasn't been totally bad for my life. I feel more, I'm more passionate, more in tune with nature and with life. I strive hard for relationships that I want to keep. I wake up knowing that God has been good to me, and therefore I should be good to the world too. But people just don't get it.

And I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining, tired of proving that I am not crazy. I'm tired of feeling all the unnecessary tiredness and I'm tired of playing pretend.

I am emo.
Call me crazy but I am, and it's not my problem, it's yours.