I want to be less emo...

I know that it has never really been a HUGE problem for me that I'm so emo, but I guess of late, it's starting to take a toll on my relationships that I have. People just don't get me, and I don't expect them to, it's not easy to get someone who is so different inside and out.

I want to smile and pretend that I'm alright but I'm not. I'm emo.

And I want to be who I am, I want to stop pretending, but I'm just not that good an actress.

Being emo hasn't been totally bad for my life. I feel more, I'm more passionate, more in tune with nature and with life. I strive hard for relationships that I want to keep. I wake up knowing that God has been good to me, and therefore I should be good to the world too. But people just don't get it.

And I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining, tired of proving that I am not crazy. I'm tired of feeling all the unnecessary tiredness and I'm tired of playing pretend.

I am emo.
Call me crazy but I am, and it's not my problem, it's yours.

May 11, 2010

It's alright to be alone now.
It's alright to walk alone, eat alone, amuse myself with my own thoughts.
But there are just moments that I still want to cry.
I want to look back at my past and wonder why things couldn't have turned out differently.
Don't get me wrong, I know all the answers perfectly well.
I am just hoping for the impossible, for the otherwise.

And today I realized, although I'm wishing and hoping that you would love me or
at least like me, I can't help but fear if you just might.
Whether or not you do, the ending won't be happy and I'll still end up in tears.

I want to listen to Charles.
I want to control my mind but your smile weakens my capacity and capability of keeping myself sane, or right.
Your jokes make me laugh, but it bites into my soul when I consider the possibilities or impossibilities. I can't help but bitterly wonder, why bother laughing so much now, knowing I'll just cry more very soon?

I just wish upon the absent wishing star that this would go away. This dream, illusion, insanity, suffocation, madness, childishness. This infatuation.

Release me, now. But you can't? I want so much to break up with you, but I can't.
You just don't ask to leave when you were never asked to stay.

It's January 27.

It's not that I've been busy. I've been VERY free. I've just been... away from my thoughts. It's another new year. 2010. The shorter version of that being a bit awkward to write - 10'. Already I'm missing the years before.

Updates? Well, of late, I've been bumming at home, watching CSI (all of them, I love all of them), The Nanny, ER, occasionally House.. Korean drama series, whatever cooking show's good.. I've been very much resting. And now I'm restless.

3 more weeks plus and I'll be back. I'm going home. Home away from home. But I'm going to miss the people here too. Especially the babies.

The Ugly Truth?

The Ugly Truth... is that I've been in love with a person I never expected myself to ever love, but all along,I've been silently, truthfully, loving him.
I love him saying I don't, I love him knowing we might never love the way others do. I love him for him, imperfect he may be from my dream prince.

His smile is the reason I'm smiling.
His laugh is one I long to hear.

And being without him is not even really living.

But if I can't love him, then perhaps I just won't love for now.

Just give me some more time. A bit more time to get over you.

* frozen baguet
* melted peanut butter and jelly
* M 29 where it all ended
* M 37 where it all began
* walks in front of IC
* Desperate Housewives
* mosquito net and 'Cars' bed covers
* green bar of soap
* onions
* tokbukki~
* Somewhere Over the Rainbow in 50 First Dates
* as pure as the clear blue sea
* the yellow couch
* English lessons

You, you, you.

How do you let go of someone when there is no reason to let go at all?