E turns 33... ^^

For October 15, 2009

No matter how much I want to think that the feelings I have for you has lessened, I am but a fool to deny my true desire. The more it seems like goodbye, the more annoyed I get at myself for not letting you go, the more impossible the realities seem, the more I fall in love with you. It is not the challenge I seek, nor am I romanticizing a long distance relationship. It is who you are that makes me want you more. I don't need you, no I don't, but I want you. And wanting you keeps me alive, keeps me at the edge of my seat. Our relationship has evolved into something neither of us can define, but still, you have my heart skipping.

Quoting your favorite song, a melody that leaves a memory, I dedicate these words back to you.

'I wanna change the world, Only for you, All the impossible, I wanna do. I wanna hold you close, Under the rain, I wanna kiss your smile, And feel the pain. I know what's beautiful, Looking at you. In a world of lies, You are the truth. In a world without you, I would always hunger, All I need is your love to make me stronger...'

Singing this song reminds me why my heart belongs to you. You may be far away, but I'll always be right beside you. You are the picture of perfection; attainable, sustainable perfection. Having you in my life lights up not just my face as I smile, but it lights up my heart and my soul too. I love you, E.

Happy 33rd Birthday, Secretary General ^^

H.O.N.E.Y

Thank you for being the best thing that happened to me this semester. Without you, I wouldn't even imagine how things would have been. It is true that our friendship is somewhat different from the expected norm, yet I find no need to redefine or restructure what we have, and what we mean to each other. You are truly important, and I wouldn't even want to grade how important you are, or compare you against the rest of those who are important as well. What I know is that the moments we shared are truly special, and I would cherish the bits and snippets of those special times for a long, long time. I even miss fighting and arguing with you, I miss our walks around the IC parking lot, watching Desperate Housewives together, snacking in your room, our dinners, looking at you chop onions, listening to your corny and cheesy jokes..

You gave me a wonderful part of your life, and though we didn't meet under the best circumstances, I guess we both did make the best of it and found the best in each other. You made me happy, and although I never expected you of anything, you never disappointed me anyway.

I don't even know when I'll see you again, but you promised me that we will, and I should at least trust you enough to wait for that. As much as you tell me that I've made your life colorful, I feel the same.

Thank you for being such a sweet and best buddy to me. I miss you so much already.

I will go back, I will go back one day soon.

I am not one to lie, and I have tried to live my life as honest as I can be, but of late, I've been lying so much without anyone knowing, well.. perhaps Joy knew a bit for occasionally, I would not be able to resist telling her what I really feel, and then the truth would be known.

But I have been trying to put up a front, to pretend that going home is not all that bad, to pretend that I am as cool as a cucumber. I made my farewells so informal, so calm, so fake.

This goodbye is the worst goodbye I've had to make but with all the uncertainties of tomorrow, I am even clueless on how I should react. Thus, I tried to make it as emotionless as I could.

And why would be going home be all that bad anyway? It is home, isn't it where I truly belong? But I felt so much the opposite. In KL's airport, at Kuching's airport.. and when I finally reached home.. it seemed as though I am a missing puzzle piece trying to fit into the last slot but unable to fit in no matter how hard one tries to place it.

I have no Joy here, and literally no joy at all. No one needs me here, but I need them so much. And I can't let anyone know how difficult it is for me, I never show them the real side of me.. they never see my tears. I wipe them away before they drop to the ground.

And I know, when I left IC, I left it for good. I mean, don't get me wrong, I might still come back, but I would come back to a different IC, one without some people but with some others. It will never be the same, never. It always changes, and it will change.

And I cry for the old IC I knew, the recent IC I still know.. I cry for the memories that seem so sweet yet one that makes me weep so bitterly. I cry for mythe todays that seem so mundane, the tomorrows that I know not what will happen. I cry while missing all my friends who seem more like family to me, for family who seem stranger than friends. I cry in longing to belong somewhere for more than just awhile, and for wanting to leave a place that they say I belong to.
And I cry, not knowing what I'm really crying for, just knowing that I can't stop the tears from flowing down my soaked cheeks.

If only I could have one more month, Charles once told me. But I know when time comes for one to leave that certain IC, it's just as predestined as when their vehicle arrives to the front of IC. It's all set, things are somehow planned for.. and our paths are somehow meant to meet, and to depart.

I love you all so much, my IC family...

I'm accepting defeat. I'm going back with my head bowed low, never more ashamed before. My dreams I'm surrendering to reality, harsh it is. I'm tired, I can't fight the challenge anymore. And what scares me more is that I don't even care. It's almost been a year since I've been in constant pain. Every electrifying, shocking pain just rips another piece of enthusiasm away from me. I've lost my charisma. I'm becoming someone even the dogs don't like. I may sound witty but my soul is bitter. My pain has eaten into my soul and there is nothing I can do anymore, but to accept defeat, and to go home...

I've never felt more pain, more discomfort and more challenges than being right here right now, and I still don't understand why despite all that, I refuse to go home to a safer haven. Perhaps I really am insane.