A Space to Free My Mind

2011-01-08T23:06:00.001+08:00

I miss you. It feels like a break up but it's just actually a training how to not be dependent on a friend. I just wish that things could be different, but I don't even know what that actually means.

It's a new year. It's 2011...

2011-01-08T22:45:00.000+08:00

My countdown was well, absent. I wanted it to be special, or at least different. And I got what I wished for, I guess.

Mom told me that she wanted me to spend a day out with her, and sleep over at her old friend's place. I agreed but I didn't know she wanted to do that on New Year's eve. Well, the morning started out a bit bad. She was moody and I was sensitive. We went to the market, got some food and ate breakfast. Sent Jane home to the kampung and there was a bit of argument going on. But after we dropped Jane, I guess we both tried to be a bit nicer to each other. We visited Nirvana to check out the place, went driving at Serikin and visited Kpg. Stass as well. Kpg. Stass is apparently the place that my maternal grandparents met for the first time. Mom and I expected at least a row of shops, but we found.. erm, nothing. Just houses and a church and lots of land. It was a nice visit though as mom has heard so much about this village but never seen it in person. We would never know now, though, how her parents actually met in such a small village. I mean, where in the world did they meet for the arranged marriage kind of
thing?? Mind boggling. After that, we went to Bau for lunch. Had a nice curry chicken and meatball-tofu soup lunch. Dropped by Tasik Biru and took some pictures and drove from Bau, passing Singai to Matang. Picked mom's friend up and visited Fiona and her mom at their place at Sinar Serapi. Was good catching up. Fiona's expecting her 2nd baby now and Hanna, her eldest is turning 3 soon. Time flies but the feelings remain. I guess these words are best to reflect the situation of the day. Around evening, mom, her friend and I drove to Kpg. Gersik, across river from Kuching's riverside to have dinner. We also got some kek lapis :). I was dead tired by then, having driven for so many hours and to so many places out of Kuching but on the way back, I stupidly commented that E-mart, this local big mart at Matang, was so big! So they kinda coerced me to give E-mart a visit, which I did, half asleep. By the time we reached mom's friend's place, I could only manage a bath, a drink of juice she made for us, and bed.

After some calls I made, I fell asleep, only to be awoken by Glo 7 minutes past midnight, to wish me a happy new year.

For once, after almost 20 years of my life, I slept past countdown. Even my post surgery condition did not stop me from going out during the last new year's countdown. But I did miss it, this year.

But in the morning, when I saw how happy mom and her friend were, having chatted till almost 3 in the morning, catching up, I just knew I did the right thing. After all, how often can I make mom happy?

We had noodles at the infamous noodle shop near Bishop's gate in Kuching's 'chinatown'. I told mom that the love the crowd had for the noodle was definitely more than the fear they had for the noodle maker. Apparently the dude who sells the noodles is a really fearsome guy. If you do not play by the protocol of the shop, although a customer, he'd yell at you!!! We had a good chat with Mr and Mrs Lai who coincidentally sat with us, and later paid for our noodles! Wow, my very first New Year's gift!!! :)

And so that's my new year's story. What's yours?

2011-01-08T22:43:00.000+08:00

Life is so fragile. Just a little snap and you're done. But it's not just you that's gone, it's the impact you leave behind. Chances are, if you're not a total outcast from the world, there will be people who would suffer the loss.

This thought makes me think twice before doing anything really stupid. I mean, if it's not just me who's going to suffer the consequences, I shouldn't be selfish and let others suffer when I'm gone.

2010-12-12T02:00:00.005+08:00

I've lived so much yet there's so much to see
I've learned so much yet more awaits me
I've met so many yet more I'll meet
But for now, I just want to be back at His feet.

Lord help me to be grateful for what I have, to be thankful to be alive, to be glad that my days come and go without pain, to smile at the little things to be happy about, and to share all my blessings with others.

About recent dilemmas...

2010-12-12T01:18:00.002+08:00

I've not written for a rather long time. Perhaps I've been busy, perhaps I've been trying to muffle my thoughts with the idea that I'm busy, or even.. perhaps I've been trying not to think so much.

But there are a few things on my mind now, things that require decisions. Decisions that I'm not sure how to make.

No. 1 dilemma
Should I go home after my studies?

Well, I've always wanted to live abroad and I am now living in another country. I miss home, always, but I'm not exactly deprived, or depressed, or having a miserable time. I like living amidst people from 20 other countries, I enjoy studying despite the heavy workload too. I guess it's just the idea of not knowing where I truly belong.

When I asked my best friend what he thinks about me going home, he asked me if I loved being here so much so that I do not want to go home. Well, it's not here I want to stay forever.. but I did have plans to work and stay in a few other countries before going home eventually.

Now, though, I'm wondering if my dreams are actually realistic and the right thing to do.

My dream, is to help. To empower people and to speak up and stand up for those who are not able to do so. Simple it is and I should be able to do that from anywhere in the world, right? So, why not home? Mom's at home. She's getting old, and shouldn't a child be there for an aging parent? Or, should I pursue my dreams and at the same time while trying to work out something, something such as relocating mom and even Jane?

Is home really home? They say that 'home is where the heart belongs'. Where does my heart belong? My ancestors left China a long time ago to where they felt the pastures were greener. Should I do the same? Or should I, as a future social worker, head to where the pastures are most dried up, and start from there? Or, should I go home, find withered pastures and work them to make them greener?

As a Christian, I do believe that God should be the one guiding me wherever I go and in everything that I do. Yet, what is it that I should do? Where should I go?

I have less than 1.5 years before I graduate. I need to decide at least a year before that, right? I'm not getting any younger, but these doubts of my future are making me feel as though I'm a child, a child who does not know which toy to choose.

No. 2 dilemma
What do I actually want from my friendships?

I've been feeling rather odd lately. It's not really loneliness, actually. It's just odd. I have many people around me. I have many friends, so people say. Putting it in a very blunt manner (leaving all sense of humility aside), I am the most popular person in my dorm after all. There's always someone to talk to, someone to spend some time with.. yet, why do I feel like I'm always alone?

What am I seeking for? Stability? A nomadic life does not allow that, does it? There are times that I wish I could just find a very small handful of friends who could journey with me in this otherwise very lonely life. People to drink coffee with, to really talk to.. instead of making pointless small talk.

Am I asking too much? My best friend is living his life happily back home. And sometimes I wish he would pay me a little bit more attention. But perhaps, he already is, it's just that I'm asking for a bit too much.

Am I too clingy? Do I demand too much attention?

I used to live for here and now. But now, I really am not sure how I'm actually living my life. In a daze? I really think I'm actually sleepwalking through life.

No. 3 dilemma
Why do I care so much for matters that don't really matter?

Living in a dorm, living in a community, there are certain contributions that need to be made. On the other hand, doing too much isn't exactly the way of contributing, is it? Sometimes I wonder why I do care so much for this temporary home, to the point that others either think I'm benefiting from the fund-raising projects that I do, or think I'm crazy or stupid for doing so much.

Nevertheless, when it's hot, the natural thing is to get electric fans. If the dorm has no funds, raise funds, right? When we need to play sports, and a facility is already available but requires repair, repair it, right? When there's no one to initiate it, and you know you have the means to do so, go ahead, right?

I don't ask for appreciation, nor do I benefit much from what I do.. except the satisfaction of achieving the almost impossible. Why do I just feel that I'm not doing it right? Is it due to the fact, that I'm being so weighed down by the exhaustion and stress of handling these projects? If I can't do it anymore, I should stop. But why do I continue? Why do I care so much when others don't? Why don't I just love myself more, and let this mad obsession of doing things for others stop, for just a little while?

Do I live to please others, to make them a little bit happier, and their lives a little bit easier? I guess the right question is, can I live like that? And if I can't, why can't I stop?

----

I'm tired, I am.
I guess a good Christmas holiday will cheer me up and do me good. At least I'll be home for Christmas.

2010-11-03T17:25:00.002+08:00

Standing on the outside, once more, looking in.
Standing amidst the crowd with a big huge grin, but with a heart so heavy.

I need to realize, and to understand that this is life and it will be painful. It will be difficult and it will be challenging. I can't keep on expecting to smile every day. I need to be realistic and to buck up, otherwise, I'll be left behind, again.

But it just gets so lonely.

2010-11-03T17:15:00.000+08:00

You don't rip out the heart of your best friend. You just don't. It's wrong.

2010-11-03T17:08:00.002+08:00

Is loneliness really a state of mind or is it really a plague of reality? This is deja vu all over again and I'm not liking it one bit. Walking around the muddy streets my heart is weighed down by the fond memories of just weeks before. But no, time that's past does not return.

2010-09-25T15:49:00.000+08:00

The world discriminates those who are minorities or weak. This is a mean world.

Use and trash.

2010-09-18T02:01:00.004+08:00

They say it's bad, but just use and trash.

Guard your heart, so use and trash.

It's very easy to use and trash.

Not ideal, no future.. worry not, just use and trash.

Expectations, disappointments. Broken promises, ruined dreams.. Matter not, use and trash.

Flirt. Have fun. That's use and trash.

They leave anyway, they always do. But it's harmless if you use and trash.

The righteous, the players; the sinners, the saints. Whoever they are, they use and trash.

Who's evil? Who's playing? What's wrong? To use and trash?

Before they use, before they trash. YOU use, you use and trash.

I'm used, I am. I'm used AND trashed.

So forgive me, if you think I'm bad but now, I'll just use and trash.

Ramblings of a nut gone nuts.

2010-09-18T01:47:00.003+08:00

I... need a bloody break. It's true, I'm not working as hard as I should. My heart is not here, my heart is everywhere. I'm letting it be trampled on, kicked around, thrown from base to base like a freaking baseball! My guard is down, my head is spinning, my body weak. I am making a fool of myself and my control.. wait, what control?

Why? I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of everything in my life. There are times that I'm just OFF and this is the time. I don't want to bounce back, I don't care about my acads and my future dreams, goals.. future WHATEVER- all a mess. My vision is blurred, my focus totally out.

I am alive but a dead, living among the living. I smile, I make polite conversations, I watch drama series, attend the classes that I can bring myself to- I'm there but my presence is absent.

All I need is a break. I think my body's causing my mind and soul to not function anymore. Am I allowed the privilege of a break? Am I?

How much more should I push myself? For how long? How do you measure your human capacities when you know not anything but desiring a break like a lost soul in the desert longing to quench his thirst?

I want to run away. For a little bit. Run home. Yes, HOME. I've been having constant homesickness for 3 months now. How long more? 3?

What should I do? The WISE decision or the BEST? The one the world approves of or the one that gives me rest?

What do YOU want me to do? Tell me, give me a big big sign. Let the heavens break open, pour down your wisdom upon me. I am but a lost, undeserving soul.. but I am the willing instrument, the potential tool, the daughter who needs your guidance. Use me but please repair me. I am damaged, spoiled, ruined.. I am feeling lethargic, exhausted, drained.

I am so going to crash against the wall. Lord, give me brakes and a long, long break. Please... I implore thee.

Move on, let go!

2010-08-07T16:11:00.003+08:00

The whole world is trying to tell me to move on, that it will be alright. It shows from the music I happen to listen to, to the book I'm reading, from the lips of those around me.

I hold the hand of this very wonderful man. Despite being heavily intoxicated, he drags himself out just to be by my side. I let my pasts flow by and my undetermined future slip away from my mind. Today is where I belong. And yes, I should plan my week ahead.. but it's entirely alright to let my future remain in my tomorrows. They haven't arrived yet.

If the world is conspiring to bring me forward, I shouldn't be selfish to hold myself back.

inspired by Zahir.

2010-08-07T16:11:00.001+08:00

My past remains my past, a fraction of my life's very untangled web.. but so often have these little fractions determine the routes for my journey. And so often have I stumbled and bruised myself, due to these fractions which seem more like mean frictions. And so often have I cried, and so often have I wished for my tears to be wiped away.

But for today, I feel illuminated, by the fact that I'm alive. I feel empowered and strong, yet confused and a little cold. My mind is tensed, I'm nervous for the unexpected and unanticipated. I want to think that my life will go according to my diary planner, but I know better. I know it won't.

I am a citizen of the world, but...

2010-07-29T02:36:00.002+08:00

I miss home.
I miss home terribly.
I miss home so bad it hurts.
I miss everything, anything, something about home.

I miss mommy. I miss Jane. I miss Poopie. I miss Pam. I miss Ah che. I miss Ertie. I miss Livia. I miss Eze. I miss all my cousins and uncles and aunties.

I miss Glo. I miss Nic. I miss Syl. I miss Augie.

I miss Ralph. I miss Rick. I miss Meh.

I miss Pin. I miss Jiah Ling. I miss Rick. I miss Just. I miss Kiwi. I miss CJ. I miss Sharon. I miss Zhen. I miss Sze2. I miss Wani. I miss Sun. I miss DaXing. I miss Fiona. I miss Kelvin papa.

To cut the very long story short. I miss people from home.

And I miss so much I'm going nuts. December is still 5 months away. How?

2010-07-25T02:32:00.003+08:00

Stop running, Vicky. Please for once, stay for the end of this story.

But I so want to run. I've been running for a long time now.

I do understand that life is harsh. I do know that I can't always pick up my things and run. I do know that I should accept reality for what it is and face it although it may not be the way I want it to be.

I can accept reality for what it is, I'm not stupid, but I may not always want to show others how much it hurts me.
So I'll run once more.

Help me to be alright but please don't stop me from running. Just one more time?

I want to be less emo...

2010-07-25T02:25:00.003+08:00

I know that it has never really been a HUGE problem for me that I'm so emo, but I guess of late, it's starting to take a toll on my relationships that I have. People just don't get me, and I don't expect them to, it's not easy to get someone who is so different inside and out.

I want to smile and pretend that I'm alright but I'm not. I'm emo.

And I want to be who I am, I want to stop pretending, but I'm just not that good an actress.

Being emo hasn't been totally bad for my life. I feel more, I'm more passionate, more in tune with nature and with life. I strive hard for relationships that I want to keep. I wake up knowing that God has been good to me, and therefore I should be good to the world too. But people just don't get it.

And I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining, tired of proving that I am not crazy. I'm tired of feeling all the unnecessary tiredness and I'm tired of playing pretend.

I am emo.
Call me crazy but I am, and it's not my problem, it's yours.

May 11, 2010

2010-05-11T21:24:00.002+08:00

It's alright to be alone now.
It's alright to walk alone, eat alone, amuse myself with my own thoughts.
But there are just moments that I still want to cry.
I want to look back at my past and wonder why things couldn't have turned out differently.
Don't get me wrong, I know all the answers perfectly well.
I am just hoping for the impossible, for the otherwise.

And today I realized, although I'm wishing and hoping that you would love me or
at least like me, I can't help but fear if you just might.
Whether or not you do, the ending won't be happy and I'll still end up in tears.

I want to listen to Charles.
I want to control my mind but your smile weakens my capacity and capability of keeping myself sane, or right.
Your jokes make me laugh, but it bites into my soul when I consider the possibilities or impossibilities. I can't help but bitterly wonder, why bother laughing so much now, knowing I'll just cry more very soon?

I just wish upon the absent wishing star that this would go away. This dream, illusion, insanity, suffocation, madness, childishness. This infatuation.

Release me, now. But you can't? I want so much to break up with you, but I can't.
You just don't ask to leave when you were never asked to stay.

It's January 27.

2010-01-27T15:39:00.002+08:00

It's not that I've been busy. I've been VERY free. I've just been... away from my thoughts. It's another new year. 2010. The shorter version of that being a bit awkward to write - 10'. Already I'm missing the years before.

Updates? Well, of late, I've been bumming at home, watching CSI (all of them, I love all of them), The Nanny, ER, occasionally House.. Korean drama series, whatever cooking show's good.. I've been very much resting. And now I'm restless.

3 more weeks plus and I'll be back. I'm going home. Home away from home. But I'm going to miss the people here too. Especially the babies.

The Ugly Truth?

2009-11-08T02:16:00.000+08:00

The Ugly Truth... is that I've been in love with a person I never expected myself to ever love, but all along,I've been silently, truthfully, loving him.
I love him saying I don't, I love him knowing we might never love the way others do. I love him for him, imperfect he may be from my dream prince.

His smile is the reason I'm smiling.
His laugh is one I long to hear.

And being without him is not even really living.

But if I can't love him, then perhaps I just won't love for now.

2009-11-03T22:37:00.002+08:00

Just give me some more time. A bit more time to get over you.

* frozen baguet
* melted peanut butter and jelly
* M 29 where it all ended
* M 37 where it all began
* walks in front of IC
* Desperate Housewives
* mosquito net and 'Cars' bed covers
* green bar of soap
* onions
* tokbukki~
* Somewhere Over the Rainbow in 50 First Dates
* as pure as the clear blue sea
* the yellow couch
* English lessons

You, you, you.

How do you let go of someone when there is no reason to let go at all?

2009-10-31T22:22:00.002+08:00

Dearest Mr Honig
For a long time, I've been searching for a song that describes us and the way I feel after I left the Philippines. I think I've found it. Here's another song to remember you by..

Owl City
Vanilla Twilight lyrics

The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake and miss you.
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,
But I'll miss your arms around me.
I'd send a postcard to you dear,
'Cause I wish you were here.

I watch the night turn light blue.
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.

I'll find repose in new ways,
Though I haven't slept in two days,
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
But drenched in Vanilla twilight,
I'll sit on the front porch all night,
Waist deep in thought because when I think of you.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.

As many times as I blink I'll think of you... tonight.
I'll think of you tonight.

When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.

**

I wish for another day, or even another hour. But what has passed remains the past. I miss you so much.

With much love,
Your Jenny

I'm letting go~

2009-10-22T02:28:00.002+08:00

Goodbye E. Time to let go again. Time to move on. For real, this time. No more games.

2009-10-20T23:25:00.001+08:00

I'm going to sleep now, so I can continue talking to you in my dreams.

2009-10-20T23:21:00.002+08:00

I'm home. But I'm feeling homesick, for my other home. It's so difficult to get by these sad and lonely nights, reminiscing the good old times in IC.. thinking what it would be like if I were still there.

I talked to Thilo just now, and somehow I wanted to cry so badly after I hung up. I miss him so much. Knowing that even if I go back, and I won't find him there, it just feels so wrong.

I cooked a dish for dinner just now, and when I smelt my hands that were stinking of onions, I couldn't help but wish he was here next to me.

Ya sure the world is not all that big, and that I could always resort to mental telepathy to talk to him, but it would be so much better if time could have stopped, and we could have both been in IC still, talking like there was no tomorrow.

Thilo Honig, you're truly missed...

Restless.

2009-10-16T18:28:00.002+08:00

It's that little gap of time in between the afternoon at the nights that drives me insane. And you're not around to brush away this restless feeling anymore. I miss you, much. And I don't even have a way to contact you. It's as though life is telling me to let you go, to forget you and move on. I was ready to do that, but you promised otherwise. Should I remain patient?

E turns 33... ^^

2009-10-14T23:00:00.004+08:00

For October 15, 2009

No matter how much I want to think that the feelings I have for you has lessened, I am but a fool to deny my true desire. The more it seems like goodbye, the more annoyed I get at myself for not letting you go, the more impossible the realities seem, the more I fall in love with you. It is not the challenge I seek, nor am I romanticizing a long distance relationship. It is who you are that makes me want you more. I don't need you, no I don't, but I want you. And wanting you keeps me alive, keeps me at the edge of my seat. Our relationship has evolved into something neither of us can define, but still, you have my heart skipping.

Quoting your favorite song, a melody that leaves a memory, I dedicate these words back to you.

'I wanna change the world, Only for you, All the impossible, I wanna do. I wanna hold you close, Under the rain, I wanna kiss your smile, And feel the pain. I know what's beautiful, Looking at you. In a world of lies, You are the truth. In a world without you, I would always hunger, All I need is your love to make me stronger...'

Singing this song reminds me why my heart belongs to you. You may be far away, but I'll always be right beside you. You are the picture of perfection; attainable, sustainable perfection. Having you in my life lights up not just my face as I smile, but it lights up my heart and my soul too. I love you, E.

Happy 33rd Birthday, Secretary General ^^

H.O.N.E.Y

2009-10-13T20:47:00.002+08:00

Thank you for being the best thing that happened to me this semester. Without you, I wouldn't even imagine how things would have been. It is true that our friendship is somewhat different from the expected norm, yet I find no need to redefine or restructure what we have, and what we mean to each other. You are truly important, and I wouldn't even want to grade how important you are, or compare you against the rest of those who are important as well. What I know is that the moments we shared are truly special, and I would cherish the bits and snippets of those special times for a long, long time. I even miss fighting and arguing with you, I miss our walks around the IC parking lot, watching Desperate Housewives together, snacking in your room, our dinners, looking at you chop onions, listening to your corny and cheesy jokes..

You gave me a wonderful part of your life, and though we didn't meet under the best circumstances, I guess we both did make the best of it and found the best in each other. You made me happy, and although I never expected you of anything, you never disappointed me anyway.

I don't even know when I'll see you again, but you promised me that we will, and I should at least trust you enough to wait for that. As much as you tell me that I've made your life colorful, I feel the same.

Thank you for being such a sweet and best buddy to me. I miss you so much already.

2009-10-11T17:03:00.001+08:00

I will go back, I will go back one day soon.

2009-10-11T16:22:00.002+08:00

I am not one to lie, and I have tried to live my life as honest as I can be, but of late, I've been lying so much without anyone knowing, well.. perhaps Joy knew a bit for occasionally, I would not be able to resist telling her what I really feel, and then the truth would be known.

But I have been trying to put up a front, to pretend that going home is not all that bad, to pretend that I am as cool as a cucumber. I made my farewells so informal, so calm, so fake.

This goodbye is the worst goodbye I've had to make but with all the uncertainties of tomorrow, I am even clueless on how I should react. Thus, I tried to make it as emotionless as I could.

And why would be going home be all that bad anyway? It is home, isn't it where I truly belong? But I felt so much the opposite. In KL's airport, at Kuching's airport.. and when I finally reached home.. it seemed as though I am a missing puzzle piece trying to fit into the last slot but unable to fit in no matter how hard one tries to place it.

I have no Joy here, and literally no joy at all. No one needs me here, but I need them so much. And I can't let anyone know how difficult it is for me, I never show them the real side of me.. they never see my tears. I wipe them away before they drop to the ground.

And I know, when I left IC, I left it for good. I mean, don't get me wrong, I might still come back, but I would come back to a different IC, one without some people but with some others. It will never be the same, never. It always changes, and it will change.

And I cry for the old IC I knew, the recent IC I still know.. I cry for the memories that seem so sweet yet one that makes me weep so bitterly. I cry for mythe todays that seem so mundane, the tomorrows that I know not what will happen. I cry while missing all my friends who seem more like family to me, for family who seem stranger than friends. I cry in longing to belong somewhere for more than just awhile, and for wanting to leave a place that they say I belong to.
And I cry, not knowing what I'm really crying for, just knowing that I can't stop the tears from flowing down my soaked cheeks.

If only I could have one more month, Charles once told me. But I know when time comes for one to leave that certain IC, it's just as predestined as when their vehicle arrives to the front of IC. It's all set, things are somehow planned for.. and our paths are somehow meant to meet, and to depart.

I love you all so much, my IC family...

2009-10-07T14:29:00.002+08:00

I'm accepting defeat. I'm going back with my head bowed low, never more ashamed before. My dreams I'm surrendering to reality, harsh it is. I'm tired, I can't fight the challenge anymore. And what scares me more is that I don't even care. It's almost been a year since I've been in constant pain. Every electrifying, shocking pain just rips another piece of enthusiasm away from me. I've lost my charisma. I'm becoming someone even the dogs don't like. I may sound witty but my soul is bitter. My pain has eaten into my soul and there is nothing I can do anymore, but to accept defeat, and to go home...

I've never felt more pain, more discomfort and more challenges than being right here right now, and I still don't understand why despite all that, I refuse to go home to a safer haven. Perhaps I really am insane.

2009-09-21T03:54:00.002+08:00

You're not mine to have anymore.
You were never mine in the first place, and perhaps you will never be.
But my heart is yours and I want your heart so much. Or maybe even more than that.

You're driving me insane...

2009-09-20T21:09:00.001+08:00

To live everyday as though it was my last. Literally, this is not entirely a lie.

2009-09-20T21:05:00.002+08:00

I want to cry before I leave, for I may never come back again. But if I do return, what's the use of wasting all these precious tears?

But it is undeniable that I may never return to UP or IC in the same manner of life as I live here now. I may visit, but I may never be able to resume, or continue, or 'come back'. I'm too tired to explain, too humiliated to describe, too afraid to let them down.

I am seriously unsure of my tomorrows, and the months and years to follow.

All I know is that I am in a lot of pain, and I cannot live a normal life anymore. I need to postpone, or give up, or sacrifice in order to just, survive.

2009-09-20T21:01:00.002+08:00

Vicky Ang is falling down, falling down, falling down. My back pain is causing my nerves to twitch so much it caused me to fall down and sprain both my ankles in the previous months, but lately, even without falling or walking, my right ankle has the ability to self-sprain. I even get that when I'm just sitting down.

I'm in so much pain I no longer have the ability to describe what I'm going through to my friends. I do not know what to do, but to just hold on and endure with the madness of being disabled but the ability to look completely well.

I'm so tired. I so want to give up.

The awe and stupidity of my love for you...

2009-09-20T20:47:00.002+08:00

I started loving you even before I knew that I was capable of loving again.
I loved you even more than I allowed myself to ever do so.
I loved the way I love you and I loved even more the way you make me love you so.
My heart beats for you. They rhythm it takes, the pauses, acceleration.. they all sing and hum the tune of your name.

I have no idea what I would do if I could not love you.
Knowing that you might never love back breaks my heart, but it does not crush my soul.
I know that if I love you silently, but remain as your true muse, my soul will sustain.
Loving you has brought me to challenge the impossibilities and ride with conquests of uncertainties.
And though I can still secretly love you now, I know that the inability to express has somehow mellowed my ability and capacity of fighting on.

I want to love you still, though there is no reason to do so, no benefits to obtain, no love in return.
But I would rather have that, than to lose the chance to continue loving you, for loving you makes sense of all the things I think is insane.

Come what may, E...

2009-09-15T22:19:00.000+08:00

The storm is over.
I'm fine now.
I'm going home.

2009-09-12T13:34:00.001+08:00

I'm so bitter, but I don't even care about it anymore.

How different I had it last year.

2009-09-12T13:20:00.003+08:00

Don't be so quick to judge me, you've never had to go through things as harsh as I have it.
Don't think you know me well, we might have similar blood running through us but fate had it that we had it different.
Don't even dream about telling me that I am who I am because of just what I did, there are 101 things that was definitely not part of my plan that happened because I don't have it as well as you did, and I'm not as strong as you are.
Don't use my misfortunes against me.

The words you use just don't seem human at all. All you do is to think that I want to hurt our family but are you really so insane to not see what I'm going through and try to understand and just be there for me and let me cry? Are you so crazy to think I'm that inhumane? And that selfish? No matter how much I do, how well I do it, you are just like her... you will never be able to accept me for who I really am.

Yes, I'm useless. I'm 27 and I'm not giving the family the money that is the source of our existence. Well is it not the source of our existence if every focus revolves around it?

I have shared my best days with you all, and kept my worsts secrets. And even then you still can't share my burden? This phase of my life is not what I wanted at all, why can't you just see me through it, as my family?

Since daddy died, I think the worst unit of institution that I have to deal with is this bloody family. You told me that since I want to serve so much, why don't I just serve my family? Well, I'll tell you. With all these crap that you throw my way, the LAST PEOPLE I would serve, is my family.

I just wish someone would tell me I'm adopted. Then the world and my life would make sense again.

2009-09-12T13:13:00.003+08:00

If you do love me, why do you make it so difficult?
If you do love me, why do you make me cry?
If you do love me, why can't you just do it unconditionally?
If you do love me, why does it feel so painful?
If you do love me, why can't you accompany me through this challenging times with just love, and not other judgments that you apply?
If you do love me, why do you make me feel otherwise?

It makes me feel like you don't love me.
And if you don't love me, why did you bring me into this world?

I really never asked to be born. My life is a living hell every day as it takes.
I never asked for weak genes or to be so different, to have accident befall
me as though they were showers of blessings.

The only good thing you truly gave me was to introduce Him to me.
And if not for Him, I would have died many years ago, or even try to
end this misery now. Right here, right now.

If you can't do this JOB well, then don't. Don't pretend to do it
just because you're obliged. I'm disobliging you.

Perhaps I would hurt less if you don't love me and admit it.

2009-09-12T13:02:00.003+08:00

It's coming. The dreaded injection test(s) shit is heading my way. One more month. One more month before I'm wheeled into the operation theater and treated like an animal again. The pain is so unbearable I really don't know how I can bear a second round of it. Even the thought of it freaks me out, turns my body cold.

And there's not even anything after wards to take my mind away. There's no ASC to look forward to at the end of the day.. and unknowingly, then I met E after wards. But there's no that to look forward to anymore too.

I don't like self-pitying, but I'm really so afraid.. and I just want to cry.

And the end of this/ these injection test(s) only brings worse news. Confirmation on an operation I might not be able to afford, or a dragging on series of ridiculous milder treatments. Nothing that excludes pain, nothing that excludes money, nothing that excludes misery.

Sometimes I wish I could just die. Just like that. And death is also totally not excluded from the picture. Or being crippled. Or something else going wrong.

And this isn't even temporary. This pain will last forever, just lessened. And this problem and injury will constantly come back to taunt me. This is just Part One of a very long and tiring game to play - one that I never asked to be included in, one that I can't afford to play, one that I just want to call quits and end it forever. Sometimes I wish it was cancer. Then I would know it would end soon soon. Then pain won't be in vain, and there really won't be a tomorrow that I fear and don't dare to dream about anymore.

2009-09-12T12:57:00.002+08:00

Do you really think that you can come and go whenever you like, take whatever you want and leave whatever you don't think suits.
Do you think that you can judge me however you like, tell me that I think like this or like that and take that against me.
Who are you to include me when you want to and treat me like trash when you feel like joke's at the tip of your tongue?
You're wrong to think that you can step all over my head and treat me like a convenient stop over.

I'm sorry if you think that this is what we call friendship.

For me, friendship is HARDCORE. Friendship is about true feelings, not some superficial fake mask you put on when you feel like it. It's all or nothing, you're it or you're not. It brings the benefits I give, but not just makes you another insignificant being in this world.

I'm sorry my emotions rule my relationships. I want it that way. Life is too short to pretend that there's always a next time, there's always tomorrow. For all we know, tomorrow may never come.

It's broken again~

2009-09-12T12:50:00.002+08:00

I got my heart broken again. It's not the first time, and I have a horrible feeling that it won't be the last. It hurts so, so much but all I'm thinking is that this is part of life. I'm treating this situation so matter-of-fact-ly that I can't seem to just cry and let it out and let it go. I just feel that I'm so sick and tired of all these stupid love games - how they start so well and end so bad and how much I get entangled in the emotional entrapment of heart-brokenness..

I want to move on, I guess I should. It's the healthier way, but before I cry and let all the pain and misery be channeled out of my system, I cannot really smile again.

What is my problem? Why can I never keep love? Maybe it's just so not meant to be. Or perhaps I'm just dumb, and irrational and unreasonable and I asked for this pain and if I try to be normal and less impulsive and silly and crazy, things will be fine. Perhaps it's all my fault. Perhaps it is.

Goodbye E. Goodbye for now.

2009-07-21T13:47:00.002+08:00

Thank you mommy for bringing me into this world~ God bless you always ^^

Vicky turns 27~

2009-07-21T13:47:00.001+08:00

Wow. I'm 27 now. How time flies. I was just enjoying my teens awhile back but this is life. We move on, we age, we move on, we die.

I'm a year closer to my death bed but a year wiser, so they say.

I was with friends yesterday evening and also during the countdown. All went as perfect as I could have expected it to, despite some warring dormitory political issues. My birthday celebration that was supposed to be a social gathering for friends turned out to be a somewhat political suicide, as some viewed it. I didn't know I carried such strong political aura.

Whatever it is. As I turn 27, the walls of my dorm are clad with the dorm council's upcoming election materials. I so hate all these useless papers and stuff but I should not complain. This is politics. Oh why on my birthday? Such eyesores.

I'm happy. What more can I wish for? I'm studying something I enjoy and am passionate about, I have wonderful people around me and around the world.. My friends and family love me and support me. I'm kinda healthy, well at least I'm still alive. And.. I'm not exactly eating off the streets, so I am fine.

I just hope that I can achieve whatever I want to achieve in this lifetime and not the next. I just hope and pray that the world will indeed be a better place because I'm in it... and not the other way round.

Happy Birthday, Vicky. It's alright to be who you are as long as you know it's alright~

E~

2009-07-12T12:46:00.001+08:00

I really like you. I do. You're so possible and impossible but I like you. You're so much like me that when I feel insecure, I know the answers. Yet knowing the answers does not make me more secure.

Is there going to be a tomorrow? Or are we accompanying each other through this passing phase?

I don't know and honestly, I'm too tired to find out.

If you end up as my tomorrow, I will thank God, the lucky stars and the whole world that conspired to make it happen.

And if you don't, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

2009-07-12T12:42:00.002+08:00

I'm struggling between the lines of over-elation and almost depression. Times are difficult. My body and spirit are both challenging my mind. I'm gearing all positivism into the brain. Hopefully, things will be alright.

I guess the approaching birthday is making me feel insecure again. I'm turning 27, yet I'm still floating amidst here and there.

More insecurities cloud this future birthday. My 27th life might see me through my first operation. I even doubt the possibility of the operation. I'm so confused and scared.

I'm starting to wonder what I would do if my close friends walk away. Would I still be as happy as I can be now? Is this happiness real, or am I living in doubt?

2009-07-05T16:43:00.001+08:00

Every time I smell the rain, I remember my childhood and remember how I used to feel when it rained.

It's so funny how certain things can remind you of your past; a pop or hit song of a certain period of time, a nice or funny smell, visuals..

I miss my past but I'm happy with my present.

2009-07-05T16:30:00.000+08:00

Give back to nature what used to be nature for it belongs to nature.

Was eating avocados and throwing the seeds and skin into the garden in front of my room. Joy asked me what I was doing so I told her that. She agrees with me totally. ^^ and then Kuya Bernard was walking by too, so I told him the same when he asked me.

He told me I'm deep. Hah.

Identity

2009-06-29T16:43:00.001+08:00

It's useless not being me, when all I am and the best that I can truly be is as me.

2009-06-29T16:35:00.003+08:00

What I do today, will be reflected perhaps, tomorrow? However there is just so much that I can do. If I have tried my best today, to make my tomorrow as beautiful as it can be but someone out there comes along and destroy my perfect plan, there's nothing else I can do but practice patience, tolerance and perseverance. (or depend on my spontaneous reactions?)

Nevertheless, I believe that God is good and that if I do my best today, He will be there to help me to make my tomorrow a better day as well.

In You Lord I trust, and for You Lord I offer up all my tomorrows. Help me to be patient and not live my today(s) only for my tomorrows but to savour each moment that I have been blessed with and cherish all that I have been given.

2009-06-29T01:04:00.001+08:00

Question of the day
Who am I and what is it that I must do before I die?

Answer of the question of the day
I am Vicky and Vicky is as best as Vicky gets. I must serve the people and complete God's mission for me before I die. ^^

2009-06-28T23:19:00.001+08:00

On a happier note, I have a date with Kuya Bernard soon! We're going to watch UP the latest Pixar movie. Can't wait~ No idea when the movie will be released though! ^^ Whatever it is, a date's always fun! I hope he buys me popcorn!

2009-06-28T23:11:00.002+08:00

I'm not exactly happy today.
Why?

No. 1 My torn contact lens (still in my eye) is bugging me. I really want to take it out, rip it apart and splatter it around but I don't have my eye glasses with me, nor are there any shops opened for me to get a replacement pair. Ergh.

No. 2 I have no idea whether this whole possible relationship thing is going to work out. I know I should be patient and pray more. Sigh, the human in me is restless.

No. 3 I think I ate too much so I'm feeling bloated now. @@

No. 4 I kinda miss the good old days. Oh, who am I kidding? Charles, I miss you!!!! Where in the world are you now? (the answer is Korea, of course.. @@)

No. 5 I feel lazy even thinking about the work load waiting for me back in UP. Though I know I will somehow pull through this difficult situation, I am still doubting my true knowledge of things. Am I really grasping what I need to absorb within this 4 year time frame to be good enough to face the world out there?

Sigh. Whatever la.

Totally unrelated and yet...

2009-06-27T03:40:00.003+08:00

Being in Moonwalk these past few days has stirred an old memory that dates back to December 23 last year.

It was a peak season for the Filipinos to end their last minute Christmas and New Year shopping and start to find their way home. I picked Charles up from Mall of Asia and took a bus to Moonwalk, hoping to catch a jeepney back to the IMCS office to meet the rest before heading home. We were scheduled for an office outing and Charles wanted to tag along on his own expense.

Charles and I were both rather enthusiastic as we descended from the bus and walked amidst the thick crowd towards the jeepney area. However, Charles was very amused at the array of people and things for sell at the side walk and small night market area.

When we finally got to the area where catching a jeepney was as easy as counting to 10, we tried to hail passing jeepneys but failed. After many attempts, my patience was starting to wear out and I was started to get a bit tired and annoyed.

Charles asked me if it was normal for such difficulty to occur and I told him (or perhaps snapped at him @@) that it wasn't. After waiting for half an hour, I started to worry a bit. We tried to get a tricycle but couldn't find any as well. Charles started to suggest stupid ideas like hailing private tricycles or jeepneys to beg them or charter them to bring us to the office. Occasionally I ignored him but honestly, I was beginning to worry to the extend of thinking that some of his ideas were pretty good.

And when all efforts were failing and all hope was almost gone, a ordinary bus (those without air con) came by. We stopped the bus and got in. It was already rather packed when we got in but after making a few more stops, the bus was horribly packed with Filipinos of all sexes (male, female, bakla, whatever, you name it..) and demographics (okay, perhaps no rich ones but definitely of all aged groups!!!) Some were carrying life chickens or roosters and their grocery bags.. well, almost everyone had something in hand (Christmas shopping, perhaps???) It somewhat reminded me of a refugee bus. I felt like a refugee on an escape route to .. paradise?

We were of course the odd ones out. People were giving us weird stares and when it was time for us to get off the bus, I had to fall over a few grocery bags and apologize endlessly to the staring crowd.

Charles told me it was a fun experience. I rolled my eyes.

Half a year later, I look back at this experience and smile. He was right. It was fun (albeit being a bit scary @@)..

I miss hanging out with you, Charles. I do.

My back condition is serious. I am sorry to only write about this now.

2009-06-26T01:20:00.007+08:00

I am diagnosed with 2 degenerated disc for both L3/L4 and L4/L5. On top of that, my L4/L5 disc is protruding into the nerve root - disc herniation, it's medically known.

That is the reason why I have been in pain since last October. That is also why I have been suffering back problems for the past 10 years. Occasionally I was in pain, and thinking that it was normal was wrong. I know now. You do not endure mysterious pain. There is no real mystery to pain. There is always a problem.

I've been in YCS for .. 15 years? To think that I still did not grasp the concept of Judge. I was still oblivious of going for the root cause. I was just Seeing my problem, and Acting on it. I did not Judge well.

I can think of myself as a huge failure but there's no need to go all self accusing. I should just start thinking what I should do.

I'm afraid. I've never been in so much trouble with my health before. I've always been rather 'fit'. I've never had to be on medication to stop my pain. I'm dependent on drugs now. Gee, I sound like a junkie. But I am, until I get my discs functioning again.

My ortho docs are really working hard on my case. They can't over treat me, nor under treat me. Both would cause significant damage to my situation, both physically and financially.

I am suggested total disc replacement. Yet this is to be confirmed after another round of 'discogram' - an injection test at my lumbar spinal area to test which disc is suffering from which pain to determine the functioning/ mal-functioning of my discs and the reaction it produces, making sure that it's in line with the pain I feel everyday.

A TDR costs RM 8-10k. Seriously. To which direction am I going to seek these funds from? Should I look heavenward and beg for money now? Should I pray for a miracle so no operation needs to be done? Or should I be more practical and use my brain.

I am not giving up. I have faith that I will be well again. I will be able to walk, run, jump and even wear high heels! I will be fine, one fine day.

I believe in miracles. I believe that God will not leave me astray. Through whatever means it may be, I will be healed. Somehow.

p.s. It's very difficult for me to talk about this. It is. Accepting this physical flaw has been a tremendous challenge. Yet, I need to accept it in order for me to treat it. Sigh~

2009-06-26T01:19:00.000+08:00

Vicky, it's not really all that scary. Stand up, don't be afraid. You are alive for Him, and only Him.

Burying dead relationships

2009-06-26T01:13:00.004+08:00

I buried 5 dead relationships of my past when I went home for summer.

Imagine that, 5. It wasn't easy.. and the ones in Kuching were more successfully buried than those in KL. I really traumatized poor souls out there. I've been a fool, I've been so crazy with my actions that I ended up hurting people more than I wanted to.

I need to be a bit more careful. I need to be a bit more focused. My life goals are slightly different from others. If they can't accompany me till the end, no matter how lonely the roads get, I need to travel alone. I won't be too lonely though, God always sends His angels to accompany me. Angels like Joy and Ava, temporary ones like Charles and Bon. I'm lucky. I should count my lucky stars and stop digging up things to complain about.

I always fall into the trap of diving head over heels in love with the wrong person. Again and again, I have. I need to be more cautious with my heart. I can't patch it up so often. The more it breaks, the more fragile it becomes. And, honestly, it's really breakable nowadays.

It's time for me to move on from my past. When I came to Phily last year, I was full of my past, full of regrets and past burdens. I've burnt all my bridges now. I've tried my best to let go. I've removed myself from old flames and old relationships. It's time to move on from my past now. Seriously.

2009-06-26T01:11:00.003+08:00

I think I have needed to write here for a long time. I've shut myself up too much. I have tried to move about soundless.

But no, I can't continue on without rambling like this. I need to let it out!!! I need to free my mind!

Woohooo!!! Nobody may read you, but still I'd like to write you!

2009-06-26T01:11:00.001+08:00

I want Christmas 08' once more.

2009-06-26T01:10:00.003+08:00

Oh I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't, I never should. I have Joy, I have Ava.. and I have a few others in IC who still love me. Okay, not a few others.. many others.

So yah, about 30 or more of my friends left. Okay, more than 30.. what's the BIG DEAL? I can handle goodbyes and the after days, can't I? Am I not tough?

Honestly, I'm not.

2009-06-26T01:10:00.002+08:00

I want Charles to come back. Now. I don't care whether it's possible or not. I want him now!!!

Musings since my return~

2009-06-26T01:08:00.005+08:00

I left Malaysia and arrived in Philippines on June 21. Being back felt so good, so refreshing, so energizing. Yet, somehow, I felt somewhat perplexed? Or should I say my heart has been feeling restless. I received comments about me being quiet. Haha, yeah right.. Vicky and Quiet just don't match. They never did, and they never will. *pause. But am I quieter now? *reflects.
I think I am.

I feel lost. I've been fighting many obstacles and objections about not returning. I have. I guess I have been fighting so much that being back is a challenge, an obstacle. A pressure? I need to do well. I need to rescore straight As. I need to learn, I need to get myself educated. I need to do in within the allowed time frame, I need to work hard on the sides, I need to be better than before.. A million, or millions of 'I need to..'. Is this what I want to? Is this? The resounding answer of 'Yes it is' makes the whole scenario even more pressurizing than I can endure. This is what I want, this is what I've decided on, this is my life. This is what I will do.

Am I quiet because I'm tired? Am I tired because my pain is bad or because I'm on medication? Or have I lost that flame, that spirit?

I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that I miss all the people I shouldn't miss. We move on, Vicky. You should too!!!

2009-06-26T01:08:00.004+08:00

Am I in love with someone I should not be? Can I withstand the pressure? Can I withstand the distance? Can I withstand the .. temptation?

Hah. I'm crazy. Am I actually in the state that I think I am? Am I dreaming of the impossibilities again? Am I alone in this sandcastle dream?

Reality check, Vicky. It's time to grow up! You're not THAT young anymore. Stop dreaming, start working!!!

Quarantine.

2009-06-26T01:07:00.001+08:00

Oh my goodness, oh why? I am not sick. I am as fit as a fiddle. Well, my back injury's internal and not air borne, so I am actually fit! Let me go for my classes, oh please..

I have been running around campus and beyond for 3 whole days, I even paid for my fees, attended 4 classes.. and finally when I attempted to attend my 5th class, my professor sent me home.

'You're a health hazard. You're a potential carrier of Influenza A (H1N1).' Gee. The only thing that links me with swine flu is that I am missing lechon and cooked pork does not transmit the disease if it's well done!

I am not sick!! I'm not! Let me attend my classes! My prof alerted my department chair, and she sent me home too. So I sneaked to the shopping center in UP and got online. After complaining and grumbling for an hour or less, I went back to my dorm and declared to my dorm manager 'M'm, my prof sent me home. I need to be quarantined for 10 days??!?!?!
Why wasn't I informed? I thought it was a horrible joke!! I feel so alienated!!' And my dorm manager laughed and told me that she forgot that she had to quarantine me.. and she started to wonder how to go about it since I have 2 roommates and it will be so unfair for Joy and Achang (new Japanese girl) if they had to be stuck in the room with me as well. Grounding me in a F wing 1st floor empty room that has no proper ventilation would send me to the sick zone even faster.. AND, if I got sick at the end of the quarantine period, they would quarantine me further! Oh, I feel so violated of my rights~

Yet, for harmony of IC and UP, I decided to leave for Avocado/ Las Pinas where quarantine is not enforced. I packed my things, took a nap while waiting for Joy to return, ate dinner with her, bid farewell to fellow concerned dorm mates, and.. left.

I'm back in Phily, yes I am. Yet what the heck am I doing away from where I'm supposed to be?
For WORLD PEACE perhaps, for the SAFETY and HEALTH WELL BEING of my fellow uni mates, I have to stay away, till Tuesday.

Imagine that, they forgot to quarantine me upon my arrival. I ran around and hugged at least 50 people and met a few hundreds, and nobody's sick! I'm not too!!! But.. I have to be quarantine, 3 days later. Nice.

Welcome back, Vicky, welcome HOME! Gah!!!

my contribution to IC news, though it's not even published yet~

2009-05-11T21:51:00.003+08:00

My IC life started in July 2008 even though I officially moved into IC on the 2nd week of November, 4 1/2 months later. The person I have to thank for all the wonderful beginnings would be Joy. I met her in one of my social work classes and he introduced me to many of my IC friends. I was also classmates with Bon, Rika, Asami, Yuko and Mariko but as I started hanging out with Joy more, I got closer to them. Meeting Ava during Filipino night, IC became my 2nd home. I hung out here so much the residents were like family even before I moved in.

Bon @ Kazusa Takemika

Somehow, when Bon and I realized that we both shared the same blood group (AB - the 'weird genius'es), we also realized that we shared similar interests and liked similar things; namely, cakes. We had similar Korean best friend-situations and we enjoyed just hanging out somewhere,anywhere.. chatting. I enjoyed many of my happy memories at the front of IC's bench. There, Bon and Joy were my companions. And very so often, I would 'borrow' the IC female's CR. I used that CR even more then the one of my boarding house at Pook Dagohoy!! The visitor's guestbook was also filled with my log ins. ^^

After moving to IC, Bon and I became room neighbours. Being 3 doors away from me, we were always together. I remember the first time we cooked our first meal together. The memory still radiates a warmth in my heart. As I lacked utensils then, we had to share many of hers. When I got mine, I shared everything with her too! We would listen to songs as we cut onions, taste each other's dishes, plan what to cook, chase away IC house cats, and take turns carrying our cooked
dishes to the 'bench'. And at the 'bench', we shared our deepest sorrows and latest updates. We were like inseparable sisters who found each other after a long time. When I was sick or extremely exhausted, Bon would visit my room; once with chocolate cake sent from her dad all the way from Japan with a cup of hot tea. Her presence in IC completed the picture of a family.

She was truly a sister to all of us. She made sure we ate, she made us tea, cooked for us and was always there to listen to our stories. On top of that, she was actively involved with her NGO works and was also the project director of UPICA. Without her by my side, I would never have managed the international night's coordination works. with her angelic smile, Bon's presence at almost every single potluck dinners, IC friends' hangout and goodbye send offs was the symbol of
the international friendship and the being of a true IC family.

Her send off at the airport on March 8 was a truly heart- wrenching experience for many of us. As 14 of us of 7 nationalities bid our farewells to Bon, our eyes and hearts teared watching her go. We created such a crying scene at the immigration to the extend that the officer asked Bon to say another last goodbye with us even after her passport was stamped. Our last group hug would forever remain in our memories as a
closing chapter of Bon's IC life.

Charles @ Lee Cheol Se

Through a mutual friend, Doo, Charles and I met outside the IC main door's bench. He was sitting on one side, and I, on another. As usual, he was practising English by himself and I thought that he was very much a weirdo! Upon our introduction, Charles and I became fast friends. Even though I told him many stories about my life back then in September 2008 during
our initial meetings, he could only absorb 30% of my conversation. After hanging out for a month or so, he started to understand me better - to a point of 70%!!! Charles and I hung out everyday and through these sessions, he learnt his share of English and I gained a companion. We met every single day to the extend that we were like each other's shadows. People used us to track each other's whereabouts. When a very good friend left at the end of October, Charles stood by
me as I painfully said my first 'IC goodbye'. Coincidentally at that time, Ava, Bon and Joy were all not around. It was then that I realized that though he may not always come up with the best phrases or sweetest comment, he was truly my IC best friend - for he truly realized the phrase of 'a friend in need is a friend indeed'.

With my back injury that worsened in October, Charles helped me with my daily chores - laundry, shopping, carrying my bags etc. We shopped for Christmas and Valentine day cards together, we spent numerous big celebrations with each other's company and countless dinners and outings through the 6 month duration of our friendship. Through tedious preparations for Korean night and International night, our friendship was challenged as we spent less time together. However, the success of both 'nights' with our somewhat significant contributions made us feel so proud of each other's hard work. Charles tagged along even hen I met friends from outside IC and joined my NGO office Christmas outing to Baguio as well. I do admit that in many
ways, I was very dependant on him. Yet with a new romantic relationship that he found during his stay in IC, my IC best friend did not neglect me.

After minor arguments and disagreements, I tried so hard to depart from this 'temporary' friendship that doesn't seem to have a happy ending. I knew that when he left, it would tear me apart if I continued to be so dependant on him. I would be the one who's left behind to roam the familiar places, alone again. Nevertheless, as my roommate Danee puts it, I would be so selfish to deprive him of a friendship he has so sincerely offered. And so, despite the possibility of getting hurt when he eventually had to leave, I let down my guard and erased the lines I drew
to protect myself from truly being a friend and from being emotionally attached with a person.

Charles was a people's person. He was friendly with everyone in IC. His bubbly personality contributed much to a more cheerful atmosphere in IC. As we said our goodbyes on March 7, I had to steady myself for one of the worst days of my life. And as I walk around UP campus or IC grounds without my 'shadow', my eyes find it impossible to remain dry.

Goodbyes in IC are worse than breakups. I'm serious. A break up usually ends on a bad note or the fact that you have mutually agreed to part ways and end the relationship. However, IC goodbyes are one which you part because you have to - because a party needs to go home. And as you reluctantly cook your last dish for some one's farewell party, or drink your last bottle of San Mig during your last 'barkada' outing, you hold on to beautiful memories that you have shared and promises of future reunions and visits. You feel no sore remorse or regret for your past experiences together.

And you can't let go off such enriching bitter sweet moments shared. Unlike a break up, you have no reason to ditch these memories and let go...

Yes, it is true that there is a way to protect yourself from feeling all these sadness and emotional turmoil. You could numb yourself to goodbyes, you could choose to not care so much, set boundaries and barriers.. There are so many formulas of what to do and what not to do. Nevertheless, formulas might exist but these are humanly emotions. There are no straight
cut formulas to defend one's self against the hellos and goodbyes of an IC relationship. Our relationship runs deep, we're not just friends.. we are a family.

Note from the contributor: The 2 previous IC residents were chosen to be 'highlights' of this article based on very personal encounters. However, it doesn't mean that these personal encounters may not be repeated in other relationships in IC. Pause for a moment, think for awhile... don't those shared memories sound familiar? It could be of similar experiences you have shared with your IC friend(s). And if you have no recall of such memories with another IC resident, it might be time for you to join the next IC event!!!

p.s. Kimchi brothers, Sushi sisters and to any of my friends who are leaving as well.. not featuring you in this article does not mean I love you less!!! You know I love you girls/guys ^^

this was written in March 2009 after Charles and Bon left.

2008-12-30T23:14:00.002+08:00

I'm looking at posts and pictures and memories that no longer live on. But I do, I'm still alive. I need to love myself a bit more than I thought I have always done so. Oh, help me, someone.

2008-12-30T23:07:00.002+08:00

Well, now I know how it hurts to remember, and to think, and to be reminded, to be updated, to accept, to realize, to feel, to have emotions.

Everything hurts. So how do I gracefully move on?

I can't do what Chris did. I can't just change my watch from digital to analog. My situation's more complicated than that.

Everything pings a small reminder, everything triggers the pain button.

It's time to move on yet I'm stupidly stuck behind, left behind, lagging behind. Everyone thinks I'm way ahead in this game, yet what they fail to see is that I'm so far behind in the distant, they think I've left and taken speed ahead of them.

I need to let this pain drop and start my year anew. Yet I'm still lost in stupid thoughts. How do I get new brains in 2 days?

2008-12-23T19:49:00.000+08:00

Cold days just make you long for someone to hug, don't they?

You.

2008-12-23T19:44:00.003+08:00

Today could have been a grand 7 years celebration... but now it's just another insignificant date; 2-days-before-Christmas, birthday of 5 or 6 or more friends.. just another day.

However, the memories live on. I may not get to wish you a happy 23rd, or a happy 7th year anniversary.. and I may not be able to tell you the 3 magic words, but as long as you are happy now, I am happy for you too.

God bless you. May all the good things come your way. May happiness be yours to have, and yours to keep. May smiles be always on your face, laughter and joy always part of your daily lives.

I do miss you, but life is good. Take care now ^^

Christmas note for my family - Dec 23, 08

2008-12-23T19:42:00.001+08:00

Dearest beloved family members of mine...

As the year comes to and end, as Christmas draws very much nearer than the week before, my thoughts are filled with how blessed I am to be who I am, and to have what I have, and to be loved by people around me and those faraway too. I am truly blessed to have all of you as my family members. Now, more than ever before, I thank God and thank all of you for all that we've gone through together and for accepting and loving me as I am ^^ I know I have done much crappy things, and my decisions and actions are usually a bit different from your expectations. I would also like to apologize for all my mistakes or harsh exchange of words, not just those of this year, but of previous years before as well.

And now.. for recent updates!!

Last week's Christmas parade was awesome! Our contingent represented 21 countries of residents of our International Center. We carried flags and some wore national costumes as well. I was clad in my 10 year old (or more) baju kurung. As the VP of UPICA, I had to yell and yell to coordinate the monkeys from different countries. It wasn't easy but it was quite fun. Our lantern was gorgeous, as the sky drew darker and as they lit the lantern. I felt so proud to be part of IC, more than before. To be in IC is truly a blessing from God. We paraded around the academic oval with other contingents and passed by 2 main stops, Palma Hall (the biggest class building of UPD) where a massive crowd awaited us and took lots and lots of pics!!! It was awesome. We felt so much like celebrities as we stood in front of the crowd, waving our flags!!! The 2nd stop was Quezon Hall where our lantern was judged and we, the international students of IC were formally introduced
to UPD and to the rest of the Philippines (through national TV!!!). We just waved our flags and our hands as people cheered for us. It was awesome! Seriously ^^ I was so, so happy.

That evening I went for dinner and drinks with some friend. It was nice to drink beer in a baju kurung. Never did THAT before. As you all know, my drinking capability is weak.. so my control is usually a bottle of a light beer, no worries bout that! ^^

The next day, I hung out with a group of Filipino dorm mates as well. It is important for me to know as many dormers as possible, and it was good getting to know new people! The following day, I went to take pictures of lights at the Quezon City circle.. Gorgeous lights..

I cooked for my friends on Saturday for lunch. One of the old residents, Chantal, from Netherlands, was visiting. She cooked a vegetarian dinner for us that evening.

I came over to the IMCS office on Sunday and have been here, and back at the IYCS/ IMCS home last night for a Christmas gathering. Being far away from home, Adrian (the Malaysian IMCS coordinator) made us sing carols and oldies to 'soothe our homesick hearts'.

I'll be off to the highlands tomorrow. Leaving early morning at 5 am.. It's a IMCS office trip. I'm sure it'll be fun.

I miss all of you much, a bit more as Christmas draws nearer. But I know I'm missed too.

Have a blessed celebration, my loved ones. And do take care. Hugssssssss. Biggg hugs.

Ko, Che, keep warm. I know it's cold there now. I'll keep warm here too!

And for the bunch in KL, enjoy the fun!!! ^^

Honey.. dressed in long pants, and a jacket, ready to have a frozen butt in Baguio!!!

An email to my family - Dec 17, 08

2008-12-23T19:24:00.000+08:00

Hi all.

:)
The weather's so cold nowadays. It's a bit colder than the normal air con room at night..

Been rushing like mad to finish up 2 assignments, which I have completed.. and now my holiday officially begins!

Will be participating in the U.P. Christmas Lantern Parade later. Very excited. My dorm has our own float which I helped build too. I'm so proud of myself.

Yesterday I had my dorm's Christmas Party too. For the gift exchanged, I was supposed to give something to either boy or girl that cost RM 8 (plus minus la).. so I just gave a toothbrush, toothpaste n box of floss. Haha. I know it's a peculiar gift, but my friend who got it was somewhat pleased that at least the gift is practical :)I in return got a photo frame. Well, I'm OK with frames.. but that one wasn't even worth RM 8.. how I knew? The person forgot to remove the price tag.. :P

My classmates and I had a gift exchange too. The girl whose name I picked.. she's a bit erm.. snobbish and stuff. So I just got her a gift voucher for starbucks worth that price. Haha :P And I in return, got a very nice apron and kitchen mittens and pot holder. I'm so pleased. This gift exchange thing is fun as I know it's difficult to receive presents here. I also don't have the money to return their favors if they do. Presents are a bit difficult for me to buy la.

I might be going for a trip with the IMCS friends but it'll be an all expense paid trip. :) most prob going north to the highlands. Whoa, it'll be cold!!!

Anyway, I was inducted as the VP on Dec 4 and went for a council bonding trip on Dec 7 that weekend. Sadly, I had a minor accident at the waterfalls. I was washed slightly downhill by the strong currents and slammed around the big rocks. But as you can see me happily typing here, I'm fine. I just had some cuts and scratches, and bruises.. No major probs. But I'm fine and I know not to be so silly again.

I organized my friend's 20th birthday too. She's Ava, an Indian girl.. very much like me.. bossy and demanding as well. Haha. She was so happy with the party I threw for her (I didn't throw financially, just coordinated A LOT). I turned a lousy looking room in our dorm to look nice enough for a party la. It was fun and my fellow dorm mates were impressed. Hah! :) The same evening, we went out for drinks and I gave another friend Bon, a Japanese, a surprise too. We got her cake and flowers. She turns 21 on Dec 26 but we all won't be around anymore.

I have very good friends here. Joy is the closest friend. She's only 18 but she's a sophomore and we're like best buddies as we're classmates for some subjects. Ava and Bon too are very close to me. They used to cook for me, hang out with me, and just basically be there when I got homesick. Ava's a fine arts student and Bon a sociology exchange student. Having the surprises for them were really my way of thanking them for always being there.

I was also emcee for a program that was held on Dec 6. It was in conjunction and celebration of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. We had a program where some students gathered to learn more about UDHR for half a day. :) On Dec 8, I coordinated a program at a depressed area (a village that is situated on dump site land) for 10 Singaporean students and this exposure was in relation to the violations of Human Rights as well. :)

Life has been.. okay :)

So now it's time to rest. But before I do, I will enjoy myself thoroughly during this evening's Christmas Lantern Parade.

I guess you've all received my Christmas cards for you. I miss you all terribly and horribly as the carols are endless aired at all corners of this part of the world and as the cold chilly wind blows by. Hugss!!!

Mom, thanks for the blouse. It's a bit big la (hehe, I lost weight ma..) but I love it and everyone told me it was nice. I wore it last night during the Christmas party as I was the emcee. :) Also, the fried rice I cooked (halal it was as there are Muslims in my dorm) was a hit and finished off very fast! Oh yeah, I cook well now! Haha..

That's all. Happy Christmas everyone!!! Will write again soon.

Love lots n lots
Honey in the chilly MM

p.s. It's so cold that if you don't wear a jacket at night, you'll freeze. :P

My VP intro in the 1st IC News of UPICA

2008-12-10T10:37:00.003+08:00

Salam Sejahtera, Da Jia Hao and greetings to all my family members of the International Center. First, let me introduce myself. I am Victoria Jennifer Ang Ling Tze of Sarawak (Borneo), Malaysia. But, for short, just call me Vicky. It is my pleasure to be given a chance to be part of this I.C. family. For months and months I dreamed of that, and the day I was finally accepted into I.C. was one of the happiest days experienced.

I was once just a whacked photographer who wanted to walk the world taking pictures of flowers with Nikon. Yet somehow, with the realization of life, I am now a Social Work student trying to make sense of the realities I've discovered. @@

I enjoy dreaming about the impossible, and live life trying to achieve those dreams. With hope burning in my heart, I truly believe that FREEDOM, JUSTICE, PEACE and LOVE can and will prevail. I hope my presence and contribution in this world will somehow make it a better place. ^^*

I take pleasure in traveling and was blessed to be able to have done some backpacking trips around South East Asia. I love talking, meeting new people and making friends. I also love cooking and baking for people I care for.

I like taking long walks around campus, playing badminton and am passionate about issues related to our environment, child welfare and education (both formal and informal) and other social issues as well.

I feel that 'Life is like a piece of art, it's up to you to see its beauty.' Therefore, I'm trying to make the best out of this dance we call life.. ^^~~ Let's tango!!!

Another letter to my family - Nov 28, 08

2008-12-10T10:34:00.001+08:00

Dearest All,

Heyo! Greetings again.

Here's just a bit of short info for you guys. I was appointed as the Vice President of UPICA Council, which is the University of the Philippines International Center Association's council. I rejected actually, but was somehow tricked to be in la.

Oh well, I wonder if I'm the one looking for trouble or whether trouble always has a way to find me. Thus, again, after soooooooooooooooo many times of trying to run away from these stuff, I'm still involved with these committee stuff la. Anyway, my induction is next Thursday during our IC's Korean night. :)

Also, I've started cooking lately. I've cooked somethng for my friends, as when I was poor, and without home cooked food, they fed me ;) so now I feel healthier la. Eating home cooked food. :)plsssssssssss if you guys are free to find time to write snail mails to me, it would be nice to receive something for Christmas la. :) Some kind of postcard would do? hehe.. My address is F40, International Center, University of the Philippines Diliman, Quezon City, Metro Manila, the Philippines :)

Miss you all! Take care.....

Updates from Nov 6, 08

2008-12-10T10:31:00.003+08:00

When I finally got my grades back, my average was a 1.70. I made it to the list of College Scholars. :) It's like an awards list. :) The best would of course be the University Scholars (below 1.5) but I'm sure I would need to be a super nerd to attain that, I don't think I could do it with all the bumming, heh.

I'm happy. I got 1.75 for 5 subjects and PE and 1.5 for the last subject I was awaiting for the grades.

Life, is good.

Letter to my family - Nov 4, 08

2008-12-10T10:29:00.001+08:00

Dearest loved ones back at home!!!

Greetings! I bring news of joy! Well, at least for me.. :) I've been accepted (finally, after 6 months!!!) into the International Center, the dorm for international students. :) Less cost, almost all my friends are here.. it's much safer, cleaner, more convenient... ah, the list can go on. I've dreamt of this day for so long. And now it's finally here!!!

On top of that, despite all the hassle, my alien card will finally be ready soon. Actually it is ready now, but I haven't gotten it. :) I won't be illegal anymore!! Hah! And.. I will be starting my semester 2 this Friday. :) I've got some subjects preenlisted, but am waiting for confirmation and few more subjects to be enlisted. :) Also, I got back grades for 5 subjects and my 1 PE. :) I got 1.75 for all my subjects. 1.75 is an A (85-88%). Yay!!! Only 1 more subject to go for grading, still waiting for that. Hope it will turn out well too. Been attending human rights forum and rallies and mixing around with really great people working for human rights. :) Met many new friends the past week. So life's good. And I'm happy. :)

There you, my updates! Mail me back! Hope all's good for all of you back home or around.

I love you all much.

ME!!! :)

Letter to my sisters and Livia - Oct 24, 08

2008-12-10T10:24:00.002+08:00

My goodness. Livia's pregnant. Our little baby uwakwakwak is now having her own baby. How time flies.

And speaking about time flying.. I have OFFICIALLY finished my 1st sem. Classes ended 2 weeks ago and my major exams were done.. but this week, I submitted a 30 page term paper on some prostitution thing, I wrote my autobiography and used psychological personality theories to analyze my life story andddddd I took a PE written exam.

So it's OVER. My sem 1 is OVER but my back hurts like shit man.

As u all might know, I've hurt my back often before - falling, spraining whatever. This sem it was pretty strong, what with push ups and sit ups and losing weight. haha. Unfortunately, I hurt it last week and I can't carry anything heavy now. It was sooooo painful even pain killers don't work la. So I just have to suck in the pain and let's see how it goes. Rest more too, carry less heavy stuff.. and erm.. dont do crazy exercises. :) I went for a massage so it feels slightly better. But having period now, so it sucks quite bad too.

I miss all of you. I'm fine here and I'm alive, if u know what I mean. I've been dead for so long that being alive (though life is super tough) feels good. Though with back ache, I managed to finish allllllllllll my subjects and work! :) I'm glad I have found really good friends here too.:)

Okay that's all. Miss you all.

Byes!

Letter to my family - Oct 11, 08

2008-12-10T10:06:00.002+08:00

Written at the end of Semester 1...

Believe it or not, I have finished 1 semester day of my 8 semesters course. How time flies. It's just like yesterday when I enrolled here. Things are going good. I can read faster now compared to before, I have more patience, I'm healthier, I lost 7 kgs in the past 2 months, I made new friends from all over the world, I learned to speak basic Tagalog, I'm smoking less (haha.. :P I promise I'll quit after this course. ), I got to understand my religion in a better way, realized many things in the world, learned much about politics n economics n social issues, read 8 of the world's best literature books, can write more creatively now :P, learned another perspective of the geography subject - much much more. I've also learned to be tougher, not to cry too much (I only cry when I get emails from you guys.. :P), I'm no longer depressed, I've finally finally accepted and got over daddy's passing, n I think I can walk so much more now than ever before. On a happier note too, I feel very young. haha. I also realized that for my case ah, as this is the 2nd course I'm taking though 1st degree, there's still so much in life for me to learn. You all know how I hated science subjects. Next semester, I pre enlisted for subjects like Natural Science (Basic Physics and Chemistry) and Biology. I just feel that it's time to learn this things before I grow too old to remember anything. I realized that I was really stubborn n a bit too strong headed in the past. Things that I didn't like, I will never even give it a shot. But now, I feel that if I want to be a good social worker who can work with everyone in the world despite all the differences and walks of life, I need to at least know how to talk to all these people, from the richest to the poorest, the smartest to the ahem.. not so smart. And without all the basic knowledge, I won't be able to do so. I will be like an empty vessel. And I don't want to be an empty vessel la. It's a good thing that this course has general education subjects. Last semester, I took 3 GE subjects: Geography, English World Literature and Creative Writing. As I will be given an opportunity to take 5 GE subjects from Arts and Humanitarian, Social Science and Philosophy and Maths Science and Technology... I guess I'll most prob cover almost all basic fields of occupations available. I don't see it as jack of all trades, master of none. Well, I'll be master of social work.. but knowing more wont hurt me. :) So there. I think I did quite alright for this semester. I have 3 subjects that are completed. I have to submit papers for 3 more, and take my PE exam. But other than that, it's all done. Other than my PE, I'm sure if I submit all the papers, I just need an average grade to do quite alright for all my subjects. I've tried, I've not been totally crazy and studying like mad or not at all, so I've been averagely alright. I'm sure my grades will b okay :) The learning experience was wonderful. There. That's all for now. Just wanted to share a bit of my life with you guys. Miss u all much.

p.s. I also realized I had muscles in the body in parts that I never knew existed. haha. I had advanced stretching with bands and balls for my PE class, and so I did a lot of circuit training. :)

3 months later....

2008-12-09T11:27:00.001+08:00

Am I okay? Am I really? I'm not okay, I'm not, I'm not. I'm jealous, I'm sad.. I feel left out, I want to go home. But I can't and I shouldn't and I should always bear with the consequences of my actions and decisions!!! So stop crying, bitch.

On the other hand...
Am I falling too? Am I? But he's such a good buddy. Such a wonderful person to have around. But imagine this.. a guy whom you sort of live with, does your laundry with you (as in he carries it and walks me there and collects them with or for me too), does grocery shopping and household items shopping, eats dinners and lunches and snacks and buys you food, and buys you cream to apply on your wound, watches his first ever movie with you in a foreign city he has been there for 3 months but not watched any movies, goes drinking with you, jumps on your every wimp, apologizes over and over again when he unintentionally ditches you, listens to you blab about every single bad thing in your life, lets you cry in front of him and tells you that everything will be alright coz he's there.. and the whole freaking list goes on and on and on. But I don't think I will like him.. there are elements in his life I just can't accept or tolerate. He's so bloody patriarchal.

To think, after such a long time of not blogging, this blog would actually be about him.

He means so, so much to me. Without him by my side, I feel so lost. And he feels the same too. I don't think we're in love, I think we're .. I don't know unintentionally committed and growing off each other? Gee man. I've not felt any of these feelings with anyone else? This is so weird-ly different. Is it because he's from a different culture, different upbringing? The things he tells me, they make me want to cry so bad.. Not of sadness, but of pure joy. I'm so happy with him. Just as friends. I don't want to ruin it. But I fear so, so much that I will. Sigh..

People kept on teasing us, for months they've been doing so. And I've always been so defensive. Ah, gee. I'm so dumb. I should just let things be.

But, will talking bout this make me more confused?

I miss writing, I'll do so again soon.

It's September already!!!

2008-09-08T18:00:00.002+08:00

It's been a bit long.
But here are the updates.

I've been dead tired working my ass off for my midterm exams which passed rather uneventfully. I did not fail in any subjects (at least I assume so, there are a few more subjects which I haven't been returned my test booklet, but I'm confident I won't FAIL). However, I'm not too sure how well I did, or how bad.

Anyway, it's over. Need to start preparing for the finals which will be in October. Ah, I'm so tired.

Also, I have realized that I'm so broke I HAVE to live in a dorm or else I might die of hunger soon. So I reapplied for a spot in the dorm. They'll try to squeeze me in for next sem, so was the feedback. Let's pray, hope and pray some more.

Despite all that, I went for 3 field trips, 1 for SW122 class - a field trip to Balayan, Batangas (another province down south of Luzon) to visit sugarcane planters. It was a good trip, very happy and inspiring. An eye opening situation on Agrarian Reform works in the Philippines.

The 2nd field trip was for SW140 class, visiting Serras Home for Girls at Pasay where girls here are survivors of rape, some in incest situations. The girls here are all above 13, but minors. Later in the afternoon, we visited Hospicio near Manila, a home where they cater to the needs of orphans, old folks, physically challenged and people in social crisis. The week after that I went for another field trip to visit orpahns in White Cross at Mandaluyong and the mentally challenged women at Sanctuary Center, again at Mandaluyong, just a 'not that great area' compared to White Cross.

I do have to admit that SW140 class field trips are rather depressing. But get real, that's life. We have the rosy picture painted, and we have the pale ones with streaks of grey. We should never, ever forget that with happiness exists pain too. And we shouldn't JUST focus on the happy part of life for life isn't meant to be all sweet and beautiful. It's harsh and we need to be ready for the toils that are thrown our way by the oppressors who know not what they do (or maybe they do, in that case, they don't care less).

The week after I was at Christ Youth Action's Crossroads camp which confirmed much of my promise to God to serve his people. It was a good, spiritually sound, energetic and social action based church camp at Antipolo City, Rizal. I was happy.

It was after that that I was sick. Was so sick I had to miss almost 2 days of classes. I was so sick I missed home and felt like I was going a bit nuts.

I finished a few books too, this month. Metamorphosis is required by English 12 class, but Chinese Cinderella and Falling Leaves by Adeline Yen Mah were not. I read them, cried, missed home, cried some more and vowed to fight for human rights, equal rights, gender equality and all the lot that comes with human rights.

hmmm....

Despite still being a bit sick, I went to Tagaytay for my required Geography camp. It was awesome. There were 4 classes, ours (Geog 1 - TTH (Tuesdays and Thursdays) 8.30-10 am, Prof Nantes) was the biggest, consisting of 38 students, me being the only foreigner. And guess what, I was nominated to be the team leader of Black Hole (that's our name). It was good, we bonded, played lots of games, learnt geog stuff and got closer. :) And.. we slept in tents, drank from potable faucets, jumped around trying to pluck guavas, trekked in a gorgeous river setting with awfully weird colored river water, ran like mad, performed kiasu comments on other teams and had LOTS and LOTS of fun. :)

hmmm....

Anong pa? or is it Ano pa? My Tag's still quite bad la.

And I miss la-ing, and of course spicy food, friends and family back home.. and

oh yeah.

Celebrated 1st Merdeka away from Malaysia... Didn't even sing NegaraKu once. :P

Livia and Cyril tied the knot on Sep1. But I wasn't there. So I felt horribly homesick during that day..

Dreamt that Chen was murdered and woke up feeling a bit nuts and started panicking and calling him but he couldn't hear me... but he's alright. I mailed him already.

Ah yeah, I got my student visa and successfully applied for my alien I card! After MUCH problem, MUCH payment, MUCH patience (and impatience), MUCH abuse, MUCH annoyance, and MUCH negativity of all forms, sorts and possibilities.. tapos na! (It's done)

And.. I met new friends! There are many, many but Ava from India is a prominent one. Though she's 7 years younger than me, we're so alike in many ways :) Alvi from Brunei, he moved off campus. I miss hanging out at night with him.. :( Oh anyway, I was invited to Filipino night on Aug 15 and that was when I met many new friends from different countries.

Well, I was in Avocado hanging out with Adrian and Girard (who was also there at that time) and disturbing Ha, Bonny and Jem. Met Yisel, new secretary of IMCS. Celebrated Bonny's 24th birthday and ate good, yummy curry! :)

As for love life, I'm back with Mr Mystery. And I realized I do love him after all. Very on the surface love, but I do. Things are very subtle, nothing major.. we hardly meet, and the relationship's very intellectual and stuff. It's good, it is.

Ah, news bout home. Che was back in Kuching for awhile, Jerome left for KL already, ertie's house is undergoing renovation, mommy and Jane are now alone in Kuching, the white Proton is officially sold off (I'm particularly sad about this as this IS the first car I drove around Kuching when I first got my license).. Things are changing. They are. Sigh.

It rains, it pours. It's crazy, we have typhoon on some days, horrible sun on others. Life is mad.

I miss home, I still do. I love Malaysia a bit more every single day that passes.

Argh shit, it's raining now.

I guess that's all for my updates now. Oh yeah, daddy I still miss you.

2008-08-19T17:29:00.002+08:00

I've realized certain things in the past few weeks. Despite having the midterms craze, I was having a very messy situation with my love life.

As facts are laid so clearly to show my functionality in relationships, I hardly function as a girlfriend. I screw up very easily, I hurt when I don't intend to and things are always just crazy. To make things worse, I fall in love with the wrong person over and over again.

Harsh friends have asked me to grow up, be matured.. but honestly, I don't know if I actually want to. It's fun to get into shit, it's just not fun to hurt someone else I guess.

But this time round, I'm f**ked. Situations are so impossible now, it's not that he doesn't love me or I don't love him, it's just not meant to be. How many wrongs before a final right? I shouldn't be complaining. Filipinos hate people complaining, so someone has said to me. If I can't fit in, I should just go home.

2008-08-03T15:58:00.000+08:00

I don't know what I'm doing what I'm doing and I really can't control what I want to do and what I have done, and what I will do.. but all my actions are making me doubt who I really am. Who am I?

2008-07-23T17:18:00.001+08:00

I met Hanna's father in person today. He was apologising for forgetting my kimchi. :) I met him before but he was in the car but today he was just standing in front of me and I was being all polite and formal.

And suddenly I just missed daddy so. He reminded me so, so much of him..

It's been almost 2 years and 2 months but the pain will never seem to go away.

Birthday related updates.. :)

2008-07-23T16:50:00.003+08:00

Truly blessed I am. I had lunch with Betsy at Chocolate Kiss. Ate some beef that went deliciously well with the served mashed potatoes. :) Betsy gave me a black forest cake from Seattle's Best. It was.. really good. A birthday cake! I thought I wouldn't have any this year. Proven wrong again. We talked. About a lot of things, her past, mine, her UP life, mine and views on certain issues in the Philippines. I guess hanging out with older people always lead to talks on issues - be they political, social or just erm.. issues? It was around then that CJ called and made my heart melt. I have such a sweet son. (Yay, 2 Malaysian calls already!!!)

I met up with Asami and Tomu (Japan exchange student classmates) at the International Center for Tuesday's presentation. Had to explain (more than I expected!!) economy situations in the Philippines during the American colonisation period to Tomu. His English is.. blur. :P Bon was there too, and Rika joined as well. Rhudiana (a Pinay from south) was there and we chatted and it was nice. :) Messages were rolling in, and my 'one day only fake boyfriend Christoph' messaged me and apologised for not spending the day with me as he wasn't on campus. :P Glo called, it was good to hear her voice, and Pin sent a really touching and inspiring message.

Finally getting Alvi (the Brunei guy) on the line, we confirmed our dinner plans and went to Treehouse for dinner. It was a nice dinner talking about our lives (as usual.. Alvi and I hangout to bitch about bad things in our lives and help each other throw out all the bad aura.. :P) Walking arm in arm along the dark corridor after dinner to get a jeep, Alvi sang me my birthday song. He's such a nice friend. My phone buzzed and I got a message from my prized pig baby brother. :) Jerome has forgotten my birthdays often enough (and got shit from me too, of course) to not forget this year. While we were in the jeep on the way back, Syl called from Aussie!!! Wow, an out of the continent call. :)

I didn't want the day to end. I really didn't. :P So I looked Joy up and we chatted till it was almost midnight before I headed home. While I was chatting with Joy, ertie messaged me. A very typical Chinese birthday message, I thought - with the words health and wealth. :) And the sweetest ever thing for this birthday, was to get a call I was hoping for. Boo called. I guess my day was complete then.

Till after midnight, many messages from classmates and other friends were rolling in. And before I closed my eyes to sleep, I thanked the good Lord for such wonderful people in my life and for being so blessed and to bless those who do not know their birthdays, and those who have lives so tough birthdays hold no meaning other than growing old and bearing more responsibilities. It was a good quiet moment with God.

I checked my Friendster and Facebook accounts and realised that there were even more wishes there. Too many to mention! :) Thank God for these internet networks. Kiwi gave Just the wrong number so both their messages didn't get through. Hah.

Joe and I had kimbab and salad (my birthday gift) on Tuesday evening. We were also planning for his birthday which is coming up. We talked about the situation he's facing on getting a weird girl he likes from the College of Fine Arts. :) I enjoy hanging out with Joe, I can crap so much and tell him serious things too. Hanging out with him reminds me of hanging out with Jerome and Meh.

The wishes continued until today. Hanna gave me 2 necklaces from Korea but her dad forgot to bring the kimchi which is my other birthday gift :) I also got a message from some of my classmates who think I turned 27. Imagine getting a 'Happy 27th Birthday' paper card thingy? I was like.. hmm.. is the age written wrongly or are they almost a year early?

I know (for a fact.. haha) that the birthday thing will only die down a week later so I'm happily receiving belated wishes and belated gifts! :P But the best thing about this birthday is that though I thought it would be the hardest, it turned out to be one of the most naturally unplanned super duper celebrations I had. It was perfect. There wasn't anything else I'd rather do or not do.

And of course because of that, I'm at peace with the world.. and smiling! :)

As another year creeps up

2008-07-21T10:31:00.003+08:00

I've been paranoid for the past week about today. :) July 21.

I can't recall a year when my birthday wasn't a special day for me. I can't remember not having my friends around, and not getting wishes throughout the day. And somehow when I moved here, all the insecurities started to flow. I was afraid that my best buddies back home, the chimuis and all the family members I have, will forget my birthday.

I was so much of a paranoid that I started reminding people of my birthday. I really did not want to go through a July 21 without being wished and without my friends making a little bit of a fuss for me. It's not
just the attention, please don't get me wrong.. it's more like the confirmation and security my friends offer when they remember that special day of mine.

Anyway, I had a lovely dinner at the Old Spaghetti House on Saturday with Joy from Korea, Bon and Rika from Japan, Farah from the Philippines and Christoph from America. Other than Farah, the others are all from one of my classes 'Social Welfare & the Philippine Reality'. As foreigners, we somehow find comfort to know that the other is around and experiencing the same difficulties. Occasionally, our countries (thank God we're Malaysians and Malaysians have not done colonising and buying up people's land much in the Philippines) are condemned for the behaviours of the government and the ancestors. I really admire how my friends from those other countries can cope with all the accusations (not all are false though) about their homeland. Even though the good food contributed much to our awesome evening, it was the conversations we had that were really fun and enjoyable - getting to know each other, our different cultures and talking about our happy, sad and stupid moments. I won't ever forget that evening. :)

I met up with Adrian (IMCS Asian Coordinator from Malaysia) at Trinoma yesterday. Prior to yesterday, I met one of his friends (whom he hasn't met before yesterday) Nerve, who's an activist and also an ex UP student, at a social awareness exhibition that shed much light on the current political and social issues in the Philippines. I met Nerve again yesterday and was also introduced to Golda. Golda's a really petite girl who at her young age, has already contributed much to documentary productions on social issues in the Philippines. We bumped into Richard and Audrey who're fighting for the rights of the indigenous people north of Luzon as well. :) It was a very interesting afternoon full of debates and inputs on issues that I am curious about. Richard and Audrey left after lunch but the remaining 4 of us went for Mamma Mia. Hilarious, fun and truly sweet, I would definitely recommend this movie to those who enjoy the 'new oldies'.

After the movie, Golda and Nerve parted ways from us and Adrian and I were joined by Girard. He's a seminarian who's taking a vacation from the religious life. :P I make that sound so wrong, but I guess he's just taking some time off before tying the knot with God. Nothing too wrong about THAT la. We took a jeep and met up with another Malaysian lady Teresa who trains lay leaders prior to their service in their own ministries and countries. She's fun, she's crazy and we had lots to laugh about through dinner of pizza and other side dishes. Saying more goodbyes after dinner, we went to Sarah's (a drinking place on UP campus at Krus Na Ligas) and met up with Shao Yi (a Malaysian Community Development graduate student from my college who loves drinking.. :P). Amidst the laughter and getting to know each other, we were joined by Diks, Leo, Archie and Kal. I stayed with Diks before moving out to Pook Dagohoy and Archie and Kal were my housemates. Leo visits us so often and as we spent much time together, we're close too. I was so overwhelmed with happiness to see so many friends there. Other than Diks, the rest are friends that I met since coming here. I admit I wasn't totally innocent that night la. Girard and I were joking about hooking up after knowing each other for 4 hours. I guess the group were a bit tipsy so our jokes were not too innocent but they were all for laughing purposes lang. Nerve came over with his friend but sat on a different table though. At midnight (they counted down for me), they lit lighters for me to wish on and 'blow out' and many wished me happy birthday :)

Before midnight, Glo sent me a message to 'forewarn' me that she will only call in the evening. :) Thoughtful. Maybe past history of being the first or the last and somehow not making it just makes us very careful about each other's birthday! :P Farah messaged me at midnight and 40 minutes later Nic called. Oh yay!! I got my call. The call that represents that I'm not TOTALLY forgotten back home, that was enough to keep me smiling throughout the night. Our group thinned out and I was sent home in a cab. (Adrian was a bit shocked to see Pook Dagohoy). :P Girard messaged me before I fell asleep, wishing me happy birthday again. He's so sweet. :P

And this morning when I woke up, Jet (my classmate for English classes) sent me a message too. Chia, Maan and Mommy Santiago have sent their wishes as well and I'm asked to have lunch later with Betsy. I was supposed to eat Malaysian food cooked by Shao but drinks last night is giving her a horrible hangover! :P I feel bad... My future sister in law/ classmate/ most 'kikai' girl in class, Kat sent her greetings too.

I HAD to go online to get my wishes so here I am. Mom sent me a mail that made me cry. I was just too happy to receive her mail - she sent it early in the morning after waking up before doing her morning exercise!! Jane and Jerome sent their wishes through her too, Jane even reminded her to wish me! :) That's something to cry about, right? :P I can't log on to Friendster as I'm in the library but so far on Facebook, I had wishes from Sharon, Cammy, Triz, Audrey, Melor, Angel, Ali (a Nigerian guy who was trying to court me), Wan Ling (oh my God I'm so lucky she remembered!!!!), Reese, Wani and Boo. :) Papa Kelvin messaged me just now too. :) Joy gave me my first gift of a Sound of Music original VCD. Yay, non piracy - I can bring the VCD with me to different countries without being locked up! Adrian gave me spices from Thailand as requested so that food will be more tolerable here. (I'm Malaysian, I'm pampered with thousands of dishes from many, many ethnic groups. I can be choosy about food if I want to be!!) I know I sound like I'm counting and recording and I actually am. Every year for my birthday, I write down my messages on paper before deleting them off days (or months) later. I am THAT sentimental la. :P

I am lucky and truly blessed. And though I'm far away from home, those from home still remember they love me. That's already something to be really happy about. On top of that, I have new friends wishing me and celebrating for me.

I just have to learn to take things easy. Things will turn out well, eventually. Harry's advice is echoing in my head again. Oh how I miss having him around.

I'm letting my paranoia sleep for now. Hopefully it will never wake up again. Count my blessings, count my blessings. :) That's what I should do. And thank God too.

p.s. While writing this, I got to chat with Caryn who's in Melbourne now. :) How good it is to chat.. :)

I think I'm feeling homesick.

2008-07-15T11:18:00.002+08:00

I don't like this feeling. I want to cry all the time, especially when I'm alone.

I don't feel like eating anything in particular - food's just to fill up my stomach.

I'm finding fault with people, and with things - finding situations to get pissed at, whatever it is doesn't really matter, I just want to lament.

Turning 26 is nothing to look forward to, there won't even be a cake anyway. Gawd, I want a Secret Recipe cake!

My heart's in knots, I can't think of home - I'd cry. And not thinking about home makes me dream about home and dreaming about home makes me want to cry even more. It's starting to rain more now.. maybe that's causing me to feel like crying too. And I don't like to be alone.

I think I'm feeling homesick.

Assignments and presentations on a Wednesday

2008-07-09T16:17:00.003+08:00

A good end to a day of classes. Though it's just 4.20 in the afternoon, I feel that today has been eventful enough, and a long one, in that sense.

I woke up before 5, before the light shone through my windows. I went to sleep to keep myself away from the thought of hunger and food - as it was late, I didn't want to go out to buy food and it was hard to find food as well. The next thing I knew, it was past 4 in the morning and I still had 4 story concepts to come up with.

Oh well, so after a bit of rushing, printing and walking hurriedly to class, I had my first class of the day. Creative writing. To be honest, I dislike her, the one that teaches. She finds fault at the oddest moments and when she's late, she gets pissed, at us. * sigh. But today was fun. She told us stories and the whole class was pleasant.

And when we were let out, I ran to the Toki stand and took the next Toki (for once, I just squeezed in despite it being all packed up with students) and arrived slightly late for my next class. I'm always late as the later class is held in CSWCD but the first class in Palma Hall (a walk would take at least 15 minutes). But later than I were my group mates who were supposed to present with me. And so, I had to start presenting first (this is the group presentation that I was preparing for during unhappy rambles the day before) and while I was - late group mates arrived, can't stop talking during presentation of others and the whole thing was a mess. I know it was OK but OK isn't going to get us great grades. To think this is what my money is buying me out from? Lousy crappy group mates who can't do their parts of assignments properly AND do not want to include me in it thus having me look bad as part of the group of this? Ah, crap.

I had lunch at Vinzon's Hall after submitting my passport over to OSA who's handling my 'it's-taking-forever' student visa process. The lunch line was long, the food was a bit crappy but it was cheaper than the other eating places in UP. Oh whatever.

After lunch, I had 2 hours of preparation for my Medea presentation. I had to compile notes for my group members but this group was nice. Jet, Abi and Roy (though he missed our group meeting). Jet and Abi have come up with a lot of information on Greek theater and Tragedy plays, even about Euripides who wrote Medea so I didn't mind doing the notes as my share. I had more info on Themes and Mythological Background - but since Roy wanted to do MB, I let him and settled for Themes. I stretched out with music blaring from my laptop in the middle of the Lagoon (a jungle like area in between the academic oval of UP, with lots of trees and grass) at some stone chairs and prepared the notes. I actually enjoyed the whole process very much and finished much earlier. :)

And presentation later that afternoon was fun. Jet and Abi went first and for once after a long, long time - I felt really happy to be in front presenting to the class on something I knew, something I was confident about and something I liked - the themes used for the Medea play. And my audience was entertained. :) Ah, I'm happy. Roy entertained us further providing info on Greek myth.

At least today went well. I can't have bad days everyday and thankfully, today was good.

I realised something though. I am not in exile but being far away from home does feel like exile. Exile from the people I love.

Oh well, I'm happy for now.

p.s I want to see Mr Kim. I saw him a few days ago and was extremely elated. I'm nuts.

Sore rambles

2008-07-08T19:02:00.002+08:00

Am I suppose to continue lying? I'm not happy. The excitement is dying down and all that's left are sore ramblings. I'm tired of hanging out with the kids, I'm sick of being the one to pay for group assignment costs because they're not making an effort to translate to me what they want to do, thus, I can't perform and have ended up being the one to foot the bill for games' presents and xerox copies.

I love my university. It's beautiful and I love a lot of things about it. But honestly, there's only 2 Filipinos in UP that I can have proper conversations with. The rest are all 'hi' 'bye' friends. I have international friends, though. On the surface I look happy, but deep down I'm having doubts on the whole scenario. I am doing what I want to do, but how do I get along with the bunch of children? Children who comment on other people's group work as being 'non substantial' and end up suggesting things that are almost at par as the other groups anyway.

I don't know how I'm going to make this leap to fit in. Like what Alvi said, am I supposed to self invite to join others for lunch? To tag along? Yet even if I'm there, their conversations are those that I don't want to bother with anyway.

I've often taken pride in the fact that I can get along with people of all ages. I guess I'm wrong now and it's obvious. There are some who will always be a bit too young for me to handle on an everyday basis. But the old ones are not around!!!

I'm sick and tired of the stares people give me when they find out that I'm a foreigner and the reluctance in their voice when they have to translate things to me in English. Gawd, to think of how much they adore American culture and yet refuse to utter the words in English?

I mean, yes, I understand that I have to learn the language. I am trying! But give me some time to adapt. I feel so suffocated. The more I'm forced to learn, the more I'd throw it all out. I can't join class discussions and group discussions and there are some lectures that are even hard to swallow. Sigh...

Perhaps it'll get better. It has only been a month. But one thing I know, this experience has a really high price to pay. I know it's one of a kind, and though I'm just that eccentric and all, I really do wonder how much more of this I can cope.

My first creating writing assignment..

2008-07-04T07:58:00.001+08:00

“For Identity”

I stepped into the room. An oddly chilly cubicle. It could be the air-conditioner that was causing the chill, or my nerves. Was I supposed to be prepared for this? I wasn’t sure. I started to wonder if anyone could be sure about this matter. I mean, it would be an impact that would last forever? Would it not? This would be an imprint that almost nothing could erase. I had to think this over. Is this another one of my impulsive saga? One that would leave me with much regrets during the later days? Having to think this over for 24 hours might not have been enough. A lifetime of regret seemed too much to handle, but I’ve been dreaming of today for too long already. I need to put this in action, dreaming alone cannot describe what I would feel in the next few hours or so. This is something I want, a desire that has been burning up a hole in me.

There’s no turning back now. He gestured for me to take a seat on a comfy sofa. Sofa? But won’t I get to lie down on some silk sheets in comfort? Satin, then, if silk is too expensive. But no, sofa it was and sofa I had. I tried to numb all feelings of pessimism but cold sweat trickled down my forehead. My palms were slightly damped too. Silly girl, you are ready. It was the angel in me trying to soothe my mashed up nerves yet tauntingly, the devil was suggesting otherwise. Oh shut up please. With what I’m about to do, who takes which side? This is something only I could psych myself through.

He smiles and asked if I was ready. I nodded. Words were stuck in my belly, together with the butterflies that were dancing around. Am I supposed to feel nauseous before all this? His hands were cold as he guided me to bend over. I lost contact with skin as rubber took over. It wasn’t exactly rough, not sticky too – just not skin. I closed my eyes, I tried to envision pain in its worse form. I sucked a deep breath so hard my body shuddered as though I was punched. And it happened.

The piercing through multiple layers of skin brought a sharp penetration that was both pleasurable and painful. Unable to resist, I wondered if the fact that losing two loved ones this year has driven me to this decision. Emotional pain seemed so much more superior in comparison to this physical action of hurt. Endlessly the contact of skin and blade brought a stinging in my eyes. I wasn’t crying. I’m too grown up to cry through an ordeal that I brought upon myself but pain isn’t one that I packaged to such heights with this experience. Denial of pain would cause so much more.

For an hour and a half, I endured. He wasn’t rough, he was actually very gentle and professional in his movements. I am sure that he has performed this act a million of times to be so good at it but when he told me that it was done, relief swept past and happiness settled.

It is done. The worse (or perhaps not) is over. My skin has lost its virginity. Under blood and bodily fluids lies an identity of where I am from, an impressionist design of an eggplant flower, one which my skin will house for the rest of my life.

Mr Kim

2008-07-02T19:28:00.003+08:00

I have a crush. A crush on someone that I don't know. All I know is that I saw him in the jeep a few days before going back to KL to get the docs for my student visa. He was eavesdropping on a conversation I was having with Yuko, my Japanese-exchange student-classmate. When he smiled, he actually looked kinda cute. So I sneaked a peek at his name tag and found out that his name is Kim X X. X is for not identifying what the rest was. :P

I told my classmates and we giggled about it. The IC (International Center - international dorm) girls wanted to know who he was and help me find out whether he's staying there, or not. But gee. Kim is one of the most common surnames for Koreans! :P How many Kims must we stalk before we find the right one?

Harry knows about this too. And he told me that even though I know nothing of the guy now, in the future, I will know everything. He will be my husband. Hah. The thought of that was enough to send me roaring with laughter. Oh well, that's Harry talk. He's so confident that I'll marry a Korean he told me that that's his biggest wish for me. Man...

Here's a bit about UPD.
UP Diliman is huge. 400 over hectares crammed with thousands of people - students, professors, staffs, outsiders.. oh well, you get the picture. We are serviced by the Ikots and Tokis, jeepneys that chauffeur us around campus via set routes. I met Mr Kim on a Toki, by the way.

I flew back here yesterday. Tired out, I finally made plans with Shao Yi (a penyu doing her masters in my college) to eat at the one place where they serve Indian-tasting food. Though pricey, I visit that joint to replenish my taste buds with the craving for spicy stuff. And as I was rattling on on who-knows-what, Mr Kim walked in. Coincidence? Perhaps. After dinner, I met up with Joy for her to translate Harry's note. Joy stays at IC so I paid her a visit and who walks pass the lobby? Mr Kim. (So he stays there, yipee!) And after hanging out with Joy for an hour or so, we said our goodbyes and parted ways. And guess who I met again? Mr Kim. Gawd. Coincidence??? Joy says it's fate. Love. Hah.

I hopped on to an Ikot just now to get a t-shirt (that wasn't available, they misplaced my order!!) from the Uni. Film Institute. I hate to ride the jeeps and would only do so if I'm in a hurry between classes or if I'm rushing. Scheduled for a meeting half an hour later, I had no choice but to ride on the Ikot. Passing by a stop.. oh my goodness, Mr Kim got on! Again! Sheesh man, am I unknowingly stalking the guy or is he following me around? There are just so many people on campus, and so many Ikots and Tokis! Joy insists that there's something up between the two of us. I think Mr Kim was shocked to see me too. Again!

So I've decided to do the brave thing. The next time I see him (let's hope the situation would be pleasing - not one where I'm falling flat on my face, or drenched with sweat, or worse...), I will introduce myself and ask him for his name! I need to know the Xs behind the Kim! And I don't think it'll be awkward to do so, anyways. What's more awkward is if we keep on bumping into each other as strangers. Well he might think I'm stalking him then. :P

2008-07-02T19:27:00.004+08:00

I thought they wouldn't fall but they did.
I thought I was strong enough but I'm not.

Goodbyes are difficult and being far away from the people that you love most is not an easy thing. It's okay to cry. It really is.

Wise words

2008-07-02T19:15:00.002+08:00

Life is like a circle. No matter how good or bad it is, the past has past. But we should always embrace the future with the lessons we have learned from the past. We will meet our past again and even though it is a repeat, it will be different, but perhaps better. We should not hold on too tight to the past, so much so that it will affect our present. Everything will be okay.

Harry wrote these wise words on a Jollibee serviette the morning I left for KL, the morning we said our goodbyes. It was written in poetic Korean and my classmate Joy translated it for me. I know it's not a 100% accurate, but the points are apparent enough.

I'm just so thankful to have met him. Though he's no longer around with me, his wise words remain. I miss you Harry Chang!

2008-07-02T19:09:00.002+08:00

I'm back here. Is this where I belong? My head's filled with the idea of getting a job to pay for my next few years here. I'm so exhausted. I've been walking for more than 2 hours already for today. Ironic isn't it? Somewhere else at some corner of this world, another somebody my age would be walking down the aisle, or accepting a wedding proposal... perhaps getting a 5K job. And me? I'm a freshman for an undergrad course.

But this is my dream. Isn't it?

Maybe it's the tiredness doubting my actions. Or the idea of having to sleep 2 hours per day if I take on a full time job working at night. I don't know.

But, Yahweh, I know you are near. Standing always at my side.. You guard me from the foe, and you lead me in ways everlasting.

I'm answering a call. A call I wanted to postpone. There has to be a reason why things happened the way they did. I am not here by chance. And I have to believe, that everything will be okay.

Heartbroken over a best friend...

2008-06-25T16:34:00.002+08:00

Harry left for Hong Kong early this morning. He flew from Manila and I'm still in KL. Our farewell meeting was last Friday and I spoke to him on the phone early this morning around 1.

This feeling sucks. It's a really horrible jolt, as though someone's ripping out my heart. I don't know why I'm so impacted by the whole thing.. our friendship hasn't even been for a month. But I know, and he knows, that time isn't the factor of the depth of friendship that we share.

We have given each other enough advice to last us till our next meet, perhaps but the thought of going back to Manila and him not being there is just unbearable.

I thought it couldn't happen this way, but now I know I'm wrong. At the age where I have spent more than a quarter of a century in this world, I am still able to find a best friend who feels that I'm just as important, and whom I will always treasure in my heart. Best friends are harder to find as you grow older, aye.

Harry said that as long as things are OK in KL, it's OK. But in Manila, everything will be good from now on.

I need to trust him. Who else to trust if not your best friend?

And when Harry says that nothing is impossible, then nothing is. And when he says that everything will be okay, they will be! And when he says that I have to believe that.. I sure am going to believe that, and him.

It's just temporary, this goodbye. It won't be forever.. just for a long, long time.

2008-06-25T16:33:00.000+08:00

A gentle reminder, forever on my shoulder. To you my beloved father, what else but a durian flower. :)

2008-06-17T17:50:00.002+08:00

Moving out of Dik's place was in a way liberating as I now have my own room. However, there are times like now that I feel particularly low. Harry's busy today and so there's no one to eat dinner with. I don't want to bring food home and eat, coz the washing would be a bit of a hassle for me, for now. And eating alone outside just doesn't seem fun at all. There at times when I wish that I had friends to hang out with. Maybe later, just not now? Which brings me back to the topic of Harry leaving, again. I don't know when Harry became so important, but he just did. I know that our friendship would soon face much difference with the existence of distance, but Harry's confident that the value of friendship is determined not by the amount of time spent, but by the depth of it.

I shouldn't hold on so tightly to a certain person, I know. It's just that Harry has been there through much change in my life lately. And having him around has been lots of fun. There's always so much to talk about, to laugh about. He's not just another friend.. he's a new best friend.

Anyway, I have met a number of new friends. And they're from different countries. More Koreans, some Japanese exchange students, an American Pinoy, another Bruneian.. and of course, many Pinoys and Pinays! I am sure that given the chance, we could be great friends too. But for now, I think I'll just spend the last few days with Harry while juggling my studies before going back to KL for a week plus to deal with my student visa. And after that maybe I'll give the new friends making more effort. Or perhaps I'd be so desperate to have people eating dinner with me that I'll be making more friends soon. :) Who knows what it is.. I am known to be a social butterfly, Ms Congeniality.. maybe things will be okay. But for this exact moment, I still need to look for a dinner date.

Lunches are okay eaten alone.. However I feel that dinners are like a social thing!!! Sigh...

Oh yeah, some of the jeepneys were giving free rides today. Some kind of sponsorship from Accenture. Tuesdays are the days when rides are free for some jeeps till the end of December. How cool is that? Oh well, but the free ones are usually full. :P

2008-06-17T12:29:00.002+08:00

I found a room and I'm happy with it. Just the room. Not too much the environment or anything else.. just the room and the price I'm paying for it. It's 2500 pesos a month.. that's less than RM 200. I am, currently staying on expensive grounds.. Quezon city (where UP Diliman is located) is the most crowded city in the Philippines.

I do not enjoy certain smells and sights but I'm sure I'll do alright. 4 years. I'll be here for 4 years. Well at least I have a room to go back to, now.

Also, been getting things for the room and found out that cost of living here, is just, HELL. Sigh. Expensive plastic items, household items, detergents and everything!

Sigh. I'll have to say my goodbyes to Harry on Friday night. Somehow, the idea of it just wrenches my poor heart. It's just harder to bid him farewell than to break up with Timothy. And that whole idea's a bit maddening too. One was my boyfriend and another my new best friend. Perhaps the thought of never ever seeing Harry again is just too horrifying.

Class starts soon. Gotta run. Will write again soon enough, I hope. Shit the Iliard, I'm still behind reading.

Harry is back.

2008-06-14T13:02:00.002+08:00

Harry came back from Vietnam on Monday morning and we met up in the afternoon as it was a holiday. Yay! He made it. He traveled to 4 cities in 4 countries and came back in one piece! :) Congrats Sang Hyeok. I was really worried you would be kidnapped somewhere in SouthEast Asia. but then again, you survived Metro Manila for almost 6 months, and THAT is an achievement. Ah... 'dirf', it is.

I finally visited Mall of Asia. Somehow it didn't impress me the way I thought it would. But it was alright. That evening, Harry cooked me Korean noodles. I guess he should be cooking it the real Korean way. So it was a bit more delicious than the usual Korean instant noodles I am used to tasting. :)

We met up again on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday. On Tuesday, Harry cooked his personal style of fried rice. I guess it was in a way, Korean style.. as he IS Korean, but then again the food I cook never seems to fit any categories of food in Malaysia. I guess what we're cooking is called the fusion personalised style of cooking.

It's really wonderful to hangout with him. He jokes about the craziest things, yet rationalise things the way a proper adult is supposed to. And the best thing of all is the feeling of having found your long lost best friend.

Harry has been joking about the prospects of me ending up with a Korean guy. He says that as I love KL so much.. K stands for Korean and L for Lover. Gawd, talk about corniness. I saw a guy wearing a 'I love HK' shirt and all I can think of is H for Hot and K for Korean. I'm influenced!

I hate to admit but there are times when I feel that the way my new best friend treats me seem to be so much better than how the last boyfriend treated me la. The effort he puts in for us to meet, the quality time we share by just talking about everything.. I am so blessed with great friends and Harry just adds on to the miraculous collection I have. Everywhere I go, I meet the best people (and occasionally the worst too). But it is those best people that I have helped me through, held my hand, wiped my tears, lent me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear to just hear me out, great advice and show me what true friendship means.

I am lucky in the aspect of friends and there are times when I feel that with such great friends, it is not really important for me to find another half. Perhaps I shouldn't be thinking like that, but at times, I just can't help it. I know that my friends will (and some have, actually..) one day move on as our paths drift apart, yet I believe the true friendship just doesn't die there.

As Sun and Daxing puts it (it's some Chinese idiom le), 'In this world, there is no gathering that doesn't end'. All good things come to an end, I know. Wonderful friends will have to leave you, memories stored.. footsteps separate.

I am so not looking forward to the day when I have to bid my new bestfriend goodbye. I really don't want to, but soon I'll have to.

Dilemma.

2008-06-14T12:41:00.002+08:00

Is this a test I have to undergo? Is there no way out? Am I supposed to live with this?

I really am not sure how I'm suppose to take up this task, Lord. I am no sissy and I can be tough when I am. But is this really necessary for this mission?

Am I picky? Am I too choosy? If I can't even go through with this, how am I supposed to be a good social worker?

Sigh.. I am feeling so tired and not finding my own place is actually interrupting with my concentration for reading. I still need to read 23 more chapters of Iliard.

Oh please Lord, find me a proper room? One where I can laugh, cry and most importantly STUDY in?

2008-06-13T17:59:00.002+08:00

I am tired out. I have to read so much it's as though it's payback time for not being with books for the past 8 years, or maybe erm.. less than that. Since the MSC and photography days, I've stashed my books away and started clicking away with my camera. Now I'm just so extremely tired with the idea of reading but then it could be fun.

I thought 'The Iliard' was going to kill me. I tried 2 pages and almost gave up. English literature. The only reasons why I took this subject was because I needed to fill up 1 more GE subject this semester, and that I felt that I could do well. It's English, c'mon. But it's not JUST English. It's the English subject everyone avoids. I think all the students in my class are just there because they need to fill up their GE requirements. Hah. But it's not so bad. I just need a cool and proper environment and I can be reading again. If I'm not distracted, I bet I can read for hours. I used to, and I'm sure I will again soon.

But English Lit isn't the only class with reading. Readings are required for all other classes. Even Geography and Creative Writing.

So my nose is in my books. But I want to spend more time with my new best friend before we part ways!!! Gee man. It's back to juggling social life with my studies. How interesting.

Well.. I'm a student again! A freshie, to be exact! And that means.. studies first, socialising next. Love life? Let's postpone that. As how Harry puts it when people try to intro girls to him (his relationship is a secret, it's complicated la, the whole story.. ) I'll just quote him 'I'm so busy.. I don't have time for a relationship. Besides, I'm not lonely' :) But occasionally I am. And when Harry goes back to Incheon and when I move out of Dik's.. loneliness will strike me. But I guess I just need to talk to the person next to me - my new roommate, whoever she is!

2008-06-11T13:53:00.000+08:00

I am now a UP freshie! :) Classes have started. I'm so, so happy. I am finally living the start
of my dreams!